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Original poster

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

519 replies

Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 00:58

18 month DS, tried to implement gentle sleep training. The problem is he refuses to sleep in his cot. He goes down OK but then wakes 2 hours later and refuses to go back in it.

Tried ‘gentle’ sleep training, me in the room with him stroking him and reassuring him.

He went absolutely berserk when I put him back down, screaming, thrashing around, I mean really hysterical screaming. Then after twenty minutes (and I was right by the cot) he vomited.

I am an absolute wreck, I am fat, my skin is grey, I am exhausted, broken, depressed, my relationship is suffering as we get no time together, we can’t think of having another child, my work is suffering. I don’t know what to do.

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Glitterspy · 29/05/2022 07:42

OP I don't have any recommendations (nothing I did worked) but I know how you feel and am sending hugs (and strong coffee). My DS was like this and I was a total zombie for 2+ years. It's caused issues in my career and also in my marriage (my "perception" that my husband was a fucking useless bastard who used to just roll over in bed and mumble "I've got work tomorrow" if I tried to wake him to help me...!) Once I was so tired I passed out holding him and got concussed from banging my head on the wall...

It will get better. DS is now 6 years old, sleeps straight away most nights when put to bed and wakes at a normal time in the morning. He's still incredibly stubborn and strong willed, has a very clever and 'manipulative' (I mean that nicely) personality (I'm sure this was what he was doing, screaming in his cot all that time - negotiating)...and very loving. We have a very strong bond now, but god I resented him at the time and it affected our bond when he was a baby.

Flowers for you. I hope you get a nice 2h+ nap today for both of you.

Calmmedownn · 29/05/2022 07:42

Teeth not time!

username35742147 · 29/05/2022 07:43

OP you have my sympathy I hope you got some sleep. We cosleep but slightly differently not sure if this is possible for you. DS wanted to be with us but, didn't want to stay in his cot (he would bang his head on the cot from rolling around so much) he was also a kicker. We actually took his cot bed mattress and our mattress and put them on the floor. That way we had a really wide bed. So he can roll on as much as he wants on his mattress without actually affecting me yet at the same time he is next to me.

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wildseas · 29/05/2022 07:43

They’re all different so this might not work but a couple of things I eventually worked out for my non sleeper was:

  • when you put them in bed with you face away from them with your back to them rather than spooning - they go back to sleep more quickly And the kicking is less painful.
  • if you’re transferring from bed back to cot put your hands on the sides of their face as you put them down and keep them there once they’re in the cot for a good few minutes to help them stay asleep.
  • Try and have one really strong « sleep cue » which you do every time they go to sleep. We used a special teddy. It really needs to be every time to work so naps, bedtime, in your bed at night, in the car after lunch.
  • lots of physical activity in the afternoon and evening helps them stay asleep for longer blocks. I switched our routines from morning trips out to afternoon ones and forced a run around activity after dinner and before bed. and I dropped daytime naps early but I know that doesn’t work for everyone
good luck! X
Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:45

strawberrybubblegum · 29/05/2022 06:38

My DD was a really awful sleeper, and I thought it would destroy me. In the end, this is what helped me:

Millpond Sleep techniques

The amazing Millpond Teach Your Child to Sleep book goes into real detail about how to make sleep training work.

Key things which I think made the difference were:

  • You can start your intervals really short. We started at 1 minute, and increased by 30 secs each time
  • But you MUST increase the interval each time. Consistency is crucial, otherwise you make things worse
  • Use your voice to calm him and tell him to lie down if he's standing up. Any physical contact is enough reward to keep him going. Hopefully he'll calm when you speak to him (it surprised me how well that actually works), but even if he doesn't then you still leave after a few minutes - even if he's still standing up (assuming he's able to lie down himself!)

But do read the whole book. It's very short, but packed with info. (I'm pretty sure it did cover what to do when your baby makes himself sick.)

Choose the right age for sleep training

Bed timing is a good book which explains the different development stages and how they affect sleep and sleep training.

Unsurprisingly, it's common to try sleep training during a sleep regression (when you get desperate) but unfortunately that's when it's hardest to make it work. And yes, 18 months is unfortunately the worst sleep regression.

We broke at 9 months (also a sleep regression) and tried sleep training then. Millpond got us through it, but it was pretty awful. BUT, when we tried again during our next 'good sleep training' window (12-16 months), it worked like a dream. And it stuck (with very occasional top-ups)

Your next window is 22-28 months. So by all means try Millpond techniques now, but see it as just getting you through the next 4 months! Then try again at 22-23 months, and hopefully you'll truly crack it and start getting proper nights of sleep.

Good luck. I really hope you manage to improve his sleep - it makes a huge difference.

See I looked at Millpond but that’s just going to be a lot of money for what I’ve already tried and just doesn’t work.

The problem is as I see it:

  1. Anything that people might think is ‘gentle’ sleep training (being in the room with him, stroking him, even being in bed with him) won’t work. He needs full body contact and if he doesn’t get it, he screams.
  2. But CIO won’t work, as he will vomit and I think even the most no nonsense parent in the world isn’t going to leave a child covered in puke.
  3. So the only option left is … no sleep?
OP posts:
Prettypennies · 29/05/2022 07:45

Not ideal but could you bring a mattress into his room and sleep on that whilst he is in the cot?

Prettypennies · 29/05/2022 07:48

I’m in exactly the same position as you OP, I wish I sleep trained a year ago :(

Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:48

@Calmmedownn sorry yes he does have some teeth coming through. They must hurt 😞 they are huge.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:48

@Calmmedownn sorry yes he does have some teeth coming through. They must hurt 😞 they are huge.

OP posts:
kitcat15 · 29/05/2022 07:50

Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:39

@AnAfternoonWalk are you in the UK? We have literally never seen a paediatrician, and he’s never seen a GP either.

We’ll have to see. Still no clue what to do.

Have you asked for a referral to a sleep clinic……for example….at Alder Hey childrens hospital in Liverpool they offer a sleep support service….I know families who have had great results with these…..the workers actually come into your home at bedtime to support

Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:50

@Prettypennies I’m not totally sure it would have made a difference to us. My worry is autism or something, on top of having no sleep.

People keep saying to bring a mattress in or something - it makes no difference. If I’m there but not holding him, he goes utterly berserk.

OP posts:
Bednobsbroomsticks · 29/05/2022 07:51

You've answered your own question. Only thing that works is full contact. So I'm not understanding why you can't do this if you don't want to do either of the other options?

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/05/2022 07:51

Has he just started at nursery? That really
unsettled both my kids for a few months and they didn’t want me out their sight?

Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:51

That would be amazing @kitcat15 but I doubt it, even getting through to the GP here is on par with the five loaves and two fish.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 29/05/2022 07:51

So the only option left is … no sleep?

No, the only thing is creating some kind of rota with your DH so you can get at least more sleep than you are now eg you sleep early evening / night, up during the night, back to sleep early morning.

And reverse.

Yes, still crap but you'll function (a bit) better.

Then get some specialist advice. It will probably not be an immediate cure but it will help to have a plan.

You probably will be facing sleep challenges for some time, sadly, but you can make it a bit easier

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/05/2022 07:52

@Bednobsbroomsticks

cause OP made it really clear she can’t sleep like that. He wiggles and kicks and nail scratches her!

kitcat15 · 29/05/2022 07:52

Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:51

That would be amazing @kitcat15 but I doubt it, even getting through to the GP here is on par with the five loaves and two fish.

But surely you could try….you sound very defeatist

EarringsandLipstick · 29/05/2022 07:52

People keep saying to bring a mattress in or something - it makes no difference. If I’m there but not holding him, he goes utterly berserk.

But he does go back to sleep - that's when the mattress helps, to give you some immediate sleep.

Underroad · 29/05/2022 07:53

Mine was like this. He used to vomit from screaming because he wanted me to pick him up from the cot. I remember being horrified and just living with the lack of sleep for another year until he had better understanding. But now he’s 12 I look back and think “fuck that”. In retrospect, I should have got a good mattress cover, continued with the sleep training and changed his clothes and bedding without talking when he vomited. I’d have got more sleep a lot faster if I’d stuck it out.

Bednobsbroomsticks · 29/05/2022 07:53

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/05/2022 07:52

@Bednobsbroomsticks

cause OP made it really clear she can’t sleep like that. He wiggles and kicks and nail scratches her!

Yes that's what kids do1

LizzieSiddal · 29/05/2022 07:53

The only thing which worked with my 18 month old was Dh sleeping in the spare room and baby sleeping with me in the bed, it meant we all had enough room and we all got to sleep!
Whilst it’s not ideal to be sleeping separately from Dh, it’s only for a short time and imo sleep is the most important thing for you at the moment.

Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:53

No, he’s been at nursery for nine months.

@Bednobsbroomsticks i can do this, but then I don’t sleep. I managed to sleep at 3 last night, then DS woke me up at 630, and I got maybe an hour and a half before he woke. That’s not really sustainable. Or maybe it is, because it will have to be. But I can’t deny it has a deep and profound impact on my life in ways that are not positive at all.

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Original poster
Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 07:54

It’s not for a short time, @LizzieSiddal . 18 months is a year and a half, that is not a short time! And there are no signs of it stopping!

OP posts:
Narwhalsh · 29/05/2022 07:55

In the middle of the night everything feels awful and never ending-I know this feeling very well! At 18months he’s old enough to transition to his own room but he wants company-I don’t think he’s breastfeeding? In which case his dad absolutely can start playing a role, but it’s not going to change overnight because he’s used to what he’s used to. You do need to share the load. Get him more involved in the bedtime routine to get the toddler used to it. It will take a few days/week to accept the change.

Have you considered ditching the cot and go with a floor mattress? Large enough for one of you to lie down on with your toddler? This is what we ended up with. Toddler falls asleep with one of us there and we could then get up and go back to ‘our’ bed (if we hadn’t fallen asleep with them!). Bad nights we would just stay in with them but good nights we got a bit of freedom.

nothing is going on stick straight away but you do have to be consistent with your approach. And there’s no one size fits all in terms of the approach but it’s just what works for you-cosleeping vs gentle vs CIO for example. Chopping and changing won’t get anywhere. I am on DC#3 and am v sleep
deprived!!! Placebo sleep and coffee and lie in on the weekend help

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/05/2022 07:57

Sleepfailires · 29/05/2022 01:19

I can’t leave him covered in sick, though, so not sure where that leaves me. I wish I could afford a night nanny.

You get him up, change him ,soothe him and put him back. Show him that you're still there and you're not going anywhere but this is where he sleeps now. The only way to do it is to do it.

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