What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

[Sleepfailires]

18 month DS, tried to implement gentle sleep training. The problem is he refuses to sleep in his cot. He goes down OK but then wakes 2 hours later and refuses to go back in it.

Tried ‘gentle’ sleep training, me in the room with him stroking him and reassuring him.

He went absolutely berserk when I put him back down, screaming, thrashing around, I mean really hysterical screaming. Then after twenty minutes (and I was right by the cot) he vomited.

I am an absolute wreck, I am fat, my skin is grey, I am exhausted, broken, depressed, my relationship is suffering as we get no time together, we can’t think of having another child, my work is suffering. I don’t know what to do.

Your last post sums it up you just can’t be like your friends. So it’s a mind set issue as much as a sleeping issue.

DS was an absolute nightmare sleeper and he was so restless and I’m a light sleeper, co sleeping was awful. He had a crib next to the bed but often ended up in our bed. He was just over six months and we did controlled crying, we had about a week of absolute hell and it was distressing for everyone but I was realising I would not be able to return to work and function. I had got through ML by napping in the day which you can’t do at work.

He is now 21 he is still a very restless sleeper, just moves around a lot. He has a brain that functions very quickly.

Hi OP!

I haven't read the entire thread but I have read all your posts. I'm really sympathising with your situation, it sounds so incredibly difficult. I agree that co-sleeping is often pushed on here as the solution to all sleep problems but I've seen quite a few threads like yours from mums who started co-sleeping as a short term solution and then got trapped in to it for years. So, yeah, screw co-sleeping.

I know it's so incredibly hard, especially as your baby is a bit older, but in your shoes I think would do full CIO, a lot of babies will get more upset and worked up by the checkins. If he vomits go in and keep the room as dark as possible, hushed tones etc while you change him and then leave again. It might be hell for a few nights, no one wants their babies crying alone at night but your current situation just isn't sustainable.

Strongly recommend the book Precious Little Sleep, more so the Facebook group rather than the book but you need the book to join the group. I've found the book as one of the few that doesn't try to dress their methods up as gental but is more honest and straight to the point. I have gotten my best advice on there and the books author will often respond to posts herself.

We aren’t new mums though @RosesAndHellebores and tbh I’d be surprised if anyone was lying. We’ve all moaned and groaned through the last 18 months together and in the last 3-6 months most have come through the other side. Except me.

@Sleepfailires well actually with one 18 month old you are still a new mum and relatively inexperienced.

You have had some good advice on this thread and it would better behove you to accept it with good grace.

A schedule check might be helpful maybe. What's his naptime/bedtime/wakeup time?

Who shit in your cornflakes!? OP has shown nothing but good grace in the face of HUGE frustration.

It better behove you to be a little less condescending and sanctimonious.

of course you don't leave him covered in sick you change things and start again - I had the same with the added issue of wouldn't stay in the cot so hot footed it over the side in a perfected swing myself and drop action, so we had to put in a bed for safety and use a high gate for the door way.

Take a step back and look at what you can change, I went from literally sat on bed next to the child pat patting the whole time to being able to withdraw to off the bed etc. I still had screaming at the gate for around a month or so but pick them up no interaction and back in bed, soothing lights, music or outloud read story on, pat pat pat, withdraw somewhat pat pat pat, withdraw more. All the time no eye contact no speaking other than basic instructions - back into bed now, lets get blankie and time for sleeping now, pat pat pat and do something in the room. Its slow and its an attachment issue but you have to make it boring for them for them to be able to self soothe and go off to sleep.

Can your partner help at all by giving you time away, bringing you a drink or food whilst you are doing this, or even alternating evenings.

Have a look at when he does sleep - what was different? Can you use that or simulate it when its bed time etc. Can you have special things they only do at bedtime. Mine loved the stories so if she got out of bed or wasn't trying to sleep I would turn them off and say you can have it back on when you are in bed lying down ready to sleep and stuck to it.

Some kids just need less sleep so try a later bedtime
Try a warm soft toy (heat in microwave etc) as this feels like company too

Keep going it really isnt for ever

Try this! It has worked a treat the past 2 nights for my boy. (Attaching pic)

@Goldie2021 - he wouldn’t understand that.

@RosesAndHellebores - when people say ‘new mums’ I assume they mean people (well, women) who have just become mothers, we haven’t. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, the point is I’m pretty confident no one is lying.

There are a tiny minority of people who have been posting here who want an argument, I don’t, so leave it.

@Sleepfailires you have given the answers to this. Ears and Eczema. It was the recurrent ear infections and low level pain that causes most issues when ours were small. DS was grommetted at 15 months; DD at 20. The health visitors contended that ears would self resolve by 7 and only ever needed referral if speech was affected. Both dc were referred to ent and grommetted. It improved everyone's quality of life.

I couldn't do sleep training for those emotional reasons either, but something that did help DS2 who is probably the worst sleeper out of the three of them was delaying my response, but in a way that he felt reassured it was still coming.

I'll try to explain because I know that sounds confusing. I'd had an attempt to try the delaying before and it didn't work because DC just wanted to be picked up and comforted in their usual way and would be irate at me doing something different. So when I tried it for the second time I had a digital watch and I just set myself a goal of 5 minutes. I went into the room, walked towards the cot really slowly, picked DC up, jiggled and talked a bit, walked a longer route to my usual chair, stalled a bit on opening my clothes etc and when it got to the 5 min mark I let him latch on. I did everything the same as I normally would, just adding a few seconds to each stage. I would have kept that up until he was totally used to it before adding time.

I know that's not quite what you're doing so may not work as such but if you set him up in a bed or on a floor mattress and delayed the time until you actually laid down next to him, that might have the same effect.

It helped me because I could observe that his crying before I got there was happening anyway, I didn't feel as though I had abandoned him, I didn't feel as though he was in deep despair, I felt it was manageable. I possibly could have transitioned to actual sleep training after this if it didn't help but it actually helped a lot - DC got used to the "getting ready to feed" status and would generally calm down before I had actually fed him.

Agree Sarah OS advice basically pointless. It's a lot of guilt mongering and you can sum it up as "suck it up until they're 3!" Bizarrely she has just released a book about how to defeat the mum guilt monster not buying books that have unhelpful advice is probably worth starting with.

I'll see if I can find anything from Lyndsey as she's more making gradual changes, which seems to make more sense to me.

i would wholly accept that if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s always been like this, before the ear infections and before eczema.

This is a whole-family problem, OP. Babies are emotionally and psychologically bonded to both parents, and if there's trouble at home, this will come out in the child.

Thanks @BertieBotts , he isn’t breast fed but just wants to be picked up and held immediately.

It does worry me … one of my friends has only just been able to go back to work because of terrible sleep and her youngest is 4.

Right thanks @LaingsAcidTab

You’re being so harsh on yourself. Please don’t be, it’s very clear from your posts you’re really trying just at your wits end and would like some consistent sleep so you can feel somewhat like a human.

my daughter used to do the screaming and working herself up thing to the point of vomit, you need to get a rubber sheet or 2 so bed doesn’t get wet. DP would clean out her bed and I would wash her. Into PJ’s, calm her down and back into bed she would go and I would leave. It feels shitty keeping on putting them back when they are clearly distressed but I found it was the only way. And calpol!!! They can’t tell us what’s wrong, but I would assume when she was getting extremely worked up it was teeth/ear paid and it seemed to calm her.

Good luck OP!

We had the same where our daughter got herself so upset that she was sick in her bed, but we persevered with the sleep training and it did work out in the end. She is strong willed. She is great at going to sleep and staying asleep now. There is hope.

Have you tried this book as well? "The Rabbit Who Wants to Fall Asleep". Apparently it's based on hypnotism. My friend has had great success with her daughter staying asleep all night with it.

The bed is worth a go, I felt like the physical barrier of the cot was enough to make him go mental without the physical barrier it helped. I think though every situation/child is so different but I know how you feel x

Just do the natural thing and sleep with him. Eventually he'll want his own bed / room but until then it'll be easier all round if you co-sleep. I'm talking from bitter experience.

Oh god, you have taken me back to those horrific nights when I thought I'd actually either die from lack of sleep or become completely deranged from it.

Mine would sleep for 20-45 minutes a stretch. And no matter how long he slept for, he seemed to manage to wake me at the worst point in my sleep cycle, so I was discombobulated.

He was late to talk too, which didn't help with him being able to tell me what the problem was.

We tried all of the methods and like yours, he'd just end up vomiting.

As soon as he was old enough to talk he told me me about baby jail. Basically he hated the sides on the cot. Not that he spent any significant time in the damn cot.

He is 9 now and can tell me how much he hated the cot. He also runs really warm in bed. He has a 4tog duvet and even that's too warm for him, even in the depth of winter. He now has a selection of sheets and blankets to help him get the temperature right.

With hindsight, I wish I'd have slept way more at other times. Weekends, early evening, whenever there was another adult about to have the baby/toddler. Because tackling anything when you feel like you do when your sleep is shot is almost impossible. Even smiling was a monumental effort in those days. I had to have a photo taken for a new driving license. I look like a ghost.

I also learned that there wasn't much that would change the situation, but perhaps I'd have taken the cot sides off much earlier, tried lightweight blankets, and shit like white noise earlier.

But, most of all, I should have talked to my friends and family. If I now know there's a non sleeping baby in the family, I offer to have that baby over night and accept that I won't get any sleep for one night while the parents get a good solid sleep. Have you got anybody like that who'd have the baby from say 6pm to 10am. If I did it on a Friday, I'd just sleep the next day, something you guys don't have the luxury of.

I totally feel your pain. Hoping something gives sooner rather than later.

My boy is 12 months, he doesn’t understand the story either but her voice is so soothing. It’s kind of like baby meditation. Worth a try.

...OP has already explained why that they're already doing this and it doesn't work for them.

I haven’t RTfT, but I wanted to sympathise. A baby that sleeps so poorly is sooooo hard. Mine was similar and I tried every thing. EVERYTHING! Do whatever you need to get through. Tell your partner he supports you, or else, whatever support means for you. Most children do find
sleep improves (not mine) so just deal with the now a beat you can.

This was true for us. I have other children who slept, for context. Co sleeping or even sleeping in same room just didn't work for our one.
Accept that it's going to be rough for a while. There will be tears from both of you. But you have to power through. There is no other way. Put baby down, leave the room. Go in at intervals if you have to. Seeing you will probably make him worse though. Accept that he will be awake for hours and he will get hysterical. Have spare bedsheets at the ready. Have dh warned that he might need to take over or give you time to sleep in morning.
And don't keep bringing him into bed, you're still not getting sleep and it's creating a bad habit.
Good luck
And you are not a shite mother, you are amazing for surviving this, it's so tough.

I absolutely fell your pain @Sleepfailires we had very similar with dd from her being about 7 months old til she was 6. There were some medical reasons but mostly she was scared of the dark and the silence.

I have no idea of you have tried these thing but am suggesting just in case...

So we found the following helped...

Grolight bulb on low all night - casts a blue light so not stimulating but was enough that is wasn't pitch black. At nearly 9 she still can't sleep with a low level light on.

Soft music or story cds on repeat. Counter intuitive I know but I struggle to sleep without background noise (god bless documentary channels on sky) so we tried similar with her. If she woke she heard the familiar voice of the story or music and wouldn't panic so would settle much quicker. I was recommend a book on .b called something g like the rabbit who wanted to sleep. Get the audio version of it...it worked wonders!

I also found changing her routine at bed time helped.

Bath time used to stimulate her rather than relax so we moved it to the morning instead of before bed.

Our bed time routine is still the same now. So we watch something on TV that isn't overly stimulating so as a little one it was cbeebies bedtime, we would curl up under a blanket and have snuggles and then I would make her walk to bed to develop the separation. Tuck her in, she would pick the song or story (she was sort of verbal at 18 months but niys are often later) we would out it on and then I would leave. Not go far but leave the room. Only go in if she was inconsolable. Like your ds she would then and still will jow vomit of she gets too upset.

It took a few weeks but eventually she would settle mostly reliably.

Consistency is the key. The same routine every day. Even if it doesn't work keep doing it. Don't change it for something else for a good month to 6 weeks.

And you are not a shit mum. You are tired overwrought and desperate to help your boy and yourself.

Stay strong!!!