What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

[Sleepfailires]

18 month DS, tried to implement gentle sleep training. The problem is he refuses to sleep in his cot. He goes down OK but then wakes 2 hours later and refuses to go back in it.

Tried ‘gentle’ sleep training, me in the room with him stroking him and reassuring him.

He went absolutely berserk when I put him back down, screaming, thrashing around, I mean really hysterical screaming. Then after twenty minutes (and I was right by the cot) he vomited.

I am an absolute wreck, I am fat, my skin is grey, I am exhausted, broken, depressed, my relationship is suffering as we get no time together, we can’t think of having another child, my work is suffering. I don’t know what to do.

One thing I did do when I hit 18 months of no sleep was buy a toddler bed and put it next to my double bed. We spent a few days playing on it, so it was a familiar piece of furniture.

I would submit to the full body contact until she was properly asleep, then I'd roll her - slowly, and with my whole body still touching her (I must have looked ridiculous) so she was on the toddler bed, lying on her side. Then I put one of those lavender bean bag things (the ones meant for period pain!) against her back - so it felt like I was still cuddling her.

Given her age, size and strength I wasn’t concerned about any safety issues.

I still couldn’t leave the room - I had no evenings for fuck knows how many years - but at least I wasn’t being touched (I’m also Autistic, diagnosed last year, which explains why it was extra Hell-ish!) and I could lie in bed.

Took a few weeks and only made a small difference as she would wake up within 2-3 hours screeching again but those first few hours of sleep without being touched made a big difference.

I had crap sleepers - DS1 nearly broke me and even now (at 9) will sleep less than anyone in the house.

The first and absolutely most essential thing is for you to get a minimum of sleep. The tag team advice is for a reason. Go to bed early, arrange a lie in; even go away for an evening. I understand that defeatist exhaustion and trying to do anything else whilst battling it feels like you are climbing a mountain.

The second thing is to watch the teeth. You've had a lot of good suggestions about sleep training/help - and I am sure you will pick the best one - but none of it will work whilst he is in pain. Sorry. Keeping the Calpol out and the teething granules and get as much sleep as you can.

It's awful, DS1 was waking ten times a night when I was around that age. Eventually I did pay for a sleep trainer and her methods worked - basically she told me to go in every two minutes which obviously took hours but did temporarily help him to sleep - but then we travelled/stayed in other places/had another baby and it all went wrong again. The only way I got through it was to cosleep. When he was smaller I did this by sleeping a lot further down the bed from him, rolled up in a blanket with him in a Gro Bag so he wouldn't wriggle so much. We got through, not sure how. The two of them still sleep with me now! I am no longer panicked about it but I remember trawling these very boards looking for answers as you are doing. All I can say is muddle through, it will pass.

my DD (now 19!) was like this. She wouldn't even go down for two hours. I ended up sleeping beside her in her room on the floor. Sometimes holding her hand. After I left her abusive father and was ''free'' to sleep in her room in the single bed beside her, she became a bit less emotionally clingy.

He’s been in my bed for months @LizzieSiddal . He’s horrendous.

Then why do you keep mentioning him sleeping in his cot?

I'm leaving the thread now, I know you’re very sleep deprived but some of the things your posting are contradictory and confusing.

Lizzie, you don’t seem to be understanding at all that last night I was trying to implement gentle (ha) sleep training even though I’ve said so countless times.

OP I had two crap sleepers and one who did vomit when put down to cry it out.

Eventually with DS we realised he just didn't need much sleep. He would go down at 8 but wake at midnight for 4/5 hours and nothing, nothing would get him back to sleep. However when we went with the flow and put him to bed at 10.30 he would sleep through until about 5.30/6. We were all better off with 7 solod hours than the previous scenario.

By the time we had dd, we had put a single bed in the nursery and that was a huge help. She needed a bit more sleep than ds, but no more than 9 hours but was a waker, screamer and clingon and at 18 months still needed a bottle to get back and could night tantrum to vomit if left to settle.

May I add they are mid/late 20s now and it was not recommended then for the cot to be in with parents.

A couple of things I'd suggest.

1. Teeth - teething hurts; I didn't realise how much until at 8ish ds had third molars coming in and the reduces him to sobbing in the corner of the sofa. The child who didn't cry when he broke his ankle. Therefore a dose of carpal might not hurt.

1. Have ears checked - they can hurt as well.

1. Does he have a nightlight. Mine always needed it and music to soothe back down again.

1. It may be worth moving him to a big bed with a guard rail. DS was happier when we did that aged 2.

1. Fresh air and exercise - mine needed to be physically worn out in the daytime, rather like unusually exuberant labrador puppies.

It is grim I know. Mine both had recurrent ear infections and that didn't help.

If it's any consolation op they were and are strong willed and it has served them well as they have grown up.

DH used to give me Saturday morning lie ins and he had Sunday mornings.

There are no rules that say one HAS to have any more than one child, and if one is hard work, Two is infinitely worse.
Of course you can’t leave a child covered in sick, that’s just ludicrous- Just change the bedding- with as little interaction as possible.

“I’ll scream and I’ll scream until I’m sick” so far is a one off?
Don’t react to the vomiting just clean it up-
If he begins to realise vomiting from getting into a bate can get a reaction , he might do it again.

Supernanny - Jo Frost had some good tips on this ( You Tube)

You could also try our weird but effective approach with our youngest which was the only thing that worked. They both co slept but with the youngest looking back it must've been a mix of reflux and whatever else, so he slept for quite a while in a small kids bath with comfy lining that we made ourselves, literally in between me and my DH in our bed, where he could be propped up a bit all night. He was basically the same height as me so felt like he was with me but it was basically safest and stopped the thrashing around, dealt with the reflux or whatever it was and we all slept. He was so much calmer and slept so much better. Then as he got a bit older we regularly co slept I've never told anyone we went to that length but hey we all slept!! And I'm so happy we did...sleep is everything. We have time for romance now lol.

My son didn't let me get more than 3 hours (4 very occasionally) very broken sleep in every 24 hours for the first 6 months. This was despite trying everything and having a very supportive partner.

I then reluctantly tried sleep training (leaving him to cry for intervals) which did work a bit for a bit. I feel immense guilt but I was broken and desperate. Every time he got a cold, teeth etc it all went out the window anyway so not sure it was worth it.

It got to the stage that I was so stressed that even if he was asleep I couldn't sleep as the stress hormones and anxiety and pressure to sleep were so high. At around 2 years old he started to sleep a bit better so we could get some actual sleep (never quite enough though!).

He continues to struggle to get to sleep now (he is 10 now), turned out he has ADHD, sensory processing difficulties and restless legs.... Some people just struggle to sleep and nothing in any of the books was actually going to help! He does now sleep ok for most of the night once asleep (although up early 🙄).

I went on to have more and survived 9 years in total of fairly poor sleep. Acceptance and a mantra of 'this too shall pass' got me through. The extreme anxiety and stress of no.1 was never repeated to that extent...the constant search for a solution was so stressful- once I gave up trying to fix it it was easier! Even the worse sleepers eventually start sleeping better... just don't compare to their peers.

Honestly it's shit but have faith you will get through this.

No real advice I am afraid just sympathies. My 1st child was an awful sleeper when she was little, both in terms of getting her to sleep and then staying that way. Was hard going, I remember going into work once having not slept at all the previous night. The good news is you will get through it and once mine was past that stage she has always slept fine (still doesn't like going to bed but once she is there she is fine!) Just try to go easy on each other as it so hard and draining when you are both sleep deprived.

Hi, it sounds like you are having a rough time. Hope you are okay.

I haven't read all of your posts but my baby was similar. Here's what worked-
Moved him to a single floor bed (double mattress because that's what we had) at 15 months. Waited until he was completely flat out then rolled away and went to my own bed. My son never spent a single night in a cot because the act of putting him down woke him. At least I got to lie down as standing or even sitting is hard when you are sleep deprived.

This wasn't planned but he had excema and GP were appalling so we moved to a new practice. They checked him over and turns out he had a ear infection. It took 7 months and an ENT appointment to get rid of it.

His sleep was still pretty poor so we did a 'sleep pattern reset' through an online sleep consultant because I wanted a structured plan to follow. We used Sleep revolution with Georgina. It was about £50 but used no CIO whatsoever which suited us perfectly.

Our son is 2 and still wakes once or sometimes twice every night but it's totally manageable now whereas it wasn't before. Waking in the night throughout toddlerhood is developmentally normal and is nothing you've done wrong. I work in the field of child development/attachment but I still need to remind myself of that at times!

Jesus fucking christ on wheel barrow

This happened to me. I was literally on my knees with sleep deprivation and could see no way out. What I did below worked because it stopped the vicious circle. You've got to be very strong minded to see it through, but I got to the stage where I had no choice.

Lock his door.
Camera/monitor and watch him all night to make sure he's okay.
You must ignore him getting up/trying to get out.
Turn off power so he can't put the light on.
Eventually he will be so exhausted he will have to stop fighting it and SLEEP.

Selling, that’s interesting as both excema and ear infections have been issues here.

Seriously??

All of the advice that is like ''if you do x for long enough, the result will be Y'' that wouldn't have worked on my DC. Behaviour charts didn't work either, they made my son angrier. He wasn't the one with the sleeping issues as a baby but he did show me that you have to tune out the judgment. My son turned out to have demand avoidance, a specific trait on the autism spectrum although his autism is otherwise very mild, being manipulated (as he saw it) with traditional reward charts infuriated him. The best way was to fake total insouciance, ok, be cold, ok, be hungry, ok, go to school without your books. And then let him figure out for himself that maybe it was easier to take his coat, have a drink now rather than be thirsty later. He had to figure this out the hard way.

Not every child is a blank slate who with the right ''coding'' (parenting) will perform the task expected.

@Sleepfailires I was where you are a couple of months ago OP. My dd was 18 months and went down easy enough but would wake up in the night and I would spend Hours trying to get her back down.

We truly didn't believe anything would help and that we just had a really bad sleeper. But it's improved massively. You may laugh at this suggestion and believe me, we didn't think it would work either but leaving a 360 style cup of water in her cot worked miracles. We'd wake up in the night to get crying and get that sense of dread, then we'd hear her sip and all would go quiet! Me and my husband would lay there in disbelief after months of nothing working!! Even if you don't think it will help, it's worth a try. My daughter is 20 months now and is sleeping through for now from 7:30 ish to around 5:30. I never thought it would happen so hold on hope.

I know right 🙄With the best will in the world I don't think any number of classes can prepare you for the realities that come with having a child. Plus they are all different so there is no one size fits all method.

I am massively sympathetic, sleep deprivation is torture. I know you said no to the Next to Me, but something along those lines might be a solution - you can slide him along when he’s asleep and back when he wakes up. I’d also echo getting a GP to check his ears and eczema, one of mine was prescribed an anti-histamine around that age and it helped a lot.

And I know this is shit and doesn’t help but it will pass. It’s a stage and it’s rubbish, but it’s not forever

If he goes to sleep with you in the room and wakes to find you are not there, then he may be distressed and cry. He needs to learn to fall asleep without you in the room so that when he wakes he stands a better chance of settling himself.

If he's not using a sleeping bag /gro bag then get him one. They are cosy and make walking and kicking much harder.

Prepare him for a new sleep routine, bath, milk, teeth, cuddles and story and light out. Leave a book with him so he can look at it if he wakes. Tell him you are just in the next room and he's safe.

Talk him through the new process and explain it simply and clearly. Explain it during the day, when bedtime is a long way off. Little kids understand a lot more than you think. Be calm, be gentle.

If and when he wakes, don't go to him, just stand/sit in the doorway so he can see you, and let him cry. Don't talk or engage in conversation. If he vomits, quietly change him, no discussion, and put him back in his cot.

He may scream for ages, but he will eventually settle. He will.

Sleep deprivation is so hard and I wish you well.

1. When is his last meal for the day
2. Does he have bedtime milk, how much and when
3. If he's tiny, have you tried rocking/bouncing him back to sleep
4. Does he have a dummy or comforter or fave soft toy he can take to bed with him
5. When does he nap in the day and for how long?
6. What is his day like/activity levels/types of activities/amount of fresh air

Please tag me in your answer

Have you tried the odd night in a local hotel? You get a solid nights sleep once a week in a Premier Inn or similar, comfortable and not too expensive. Your dh takes over at home and you go back for the day shift. My dd tried this, she did two consecutive nights, put baby to bed then left and her dh did the rest. She went home for breakfast each day. The third night baby woke after 4 hours and dsil went in. The fourth night baby slept through.

I was here when DD was 18 months OP,I just gave up and had her in bed with me. I stopped trying. She is 2 now, and somewhere between 20 and 22 months it just got better. She suddenly was willing to sleep in a cot. It’s still not perfect but she actually likes the cot. Hang in there it will get better!

Oh op I have remembered another thing. In one of your posts you said everything was going swimmingly with all the parents/babies from your baby group.

I remember a mum from one of mine telling me when our babies were about 8 weeks old that she she gave hers a ten minute feed at 11 and again at 3 and apart from that he slept 7.30-7. I turned the corner and wept all the way home.

When mine started school everyone had awful stories. New mums lie op ime.