Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

[disappearie]

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

Is this real? Where did you find this man? What happened to you to make you think being treated like this is acceptable. He’s happy to watch the woman he supposedly loves drive herself insane because he want to fuck off to yoga five night a week? This man does not care about you. He is a absolute piece of shit.

This was my first thought. Have you checked the yoga schedule of this place that he is allegedly going to, OP? Are there these classes on every single night? And why can't he take a break for a few weeks/do yoga at home/not be a selfish shit?

You don't have a baby problem, you have a selfish piece of shit partner problem.
Tell him needs to fucking man up, stay home and support the mother of his children and forget his yoga for a while.

I never cease to be amazed by the pathetic excuses for men some women on here tolerate.

This.

Yoga isn't a priority just now, get your partner to step up.

She doesn't need to do it though.

Her children have two parents who are available at bedtime, not one. So they can each have a parent to help settle them.

She doesn't need to "get on with it" while her partner relaxes at yoga.

Whilst the solidarity on the thread is great, I have to say all the “no one would expect you to manage a toddler and newborns bedtime” and “doing bedtime for two is a nightmare” slightly OTT tbh!! I honestly in real life don’t know many families where both parents have to be involved in bedtime!!! Mostly because at least one parent works and lots of people aren’t home till 7.30/8 and simply because it doesn’t need two grown adults to handle a couple of children!
You just need a plan of action.
That said, your husband is being very selfish swanning off to yoga for 2 hours a night. That’s just odd behaviour from a dad of young children.

Surely your husband can either find another class in the area, or if not then he can do a home/remote class? I do a remote class, they're really quite good. What he's doing seems totally unnecessary and selfish tbh. Every single day??? It's quite a jaunt away too isn't it?

I know lots of women manage this type of thing alone, but you don't have to so why should you?!

I haven't RTFT but the problem in your home isn't the (perfectly normal) behaviour of your two children, and it definitely, DEFINITELY isn't your ability as a mum. It's your DP. Why are you the only parent asking "how do I appropriately prioritise my children?" while your DP asks "how can I make sure my hobby is still prioritised?"
If he really HAS to do daily yoga, he needs to do it at another time of day. First thing in the morning, before work?
He is 100% the problem here.

I second the advice to use a sling or stretchy wrap. Sit with the toddler while she goes to sleep, with the baby in a sling. If you're able to transfer the baby out of the sling into the bed after that without him waking, do that, otherwise just keep him in the sling until his first wake (obviously only if you can stay awake until then).

It can indeed be done. But there is no reason why the OP SHOULD do it when there are two available parents.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum every night til 8pm?

Is that with a 'normal' starting time like 8 or 9am?
If so, how is that sustainable?

Does he really need to be working that late? Is he actually working, or shirking?
Seems mightily convenient - to create 3 children, & never have to do their bedtime routines ...

Absolutely ridiculous, why are you putting up with this? Of course he doesn’t get to leave you to do both bedtimes EVERY NIGHT… for 2.5 HOURS?! I don’t buy it - he is opting out of parenting entirely.

FWIW I have a 3 year old and 9 month old. I like yoga and used to go regularly (1-2 nights a week, not 5) but haven’t been in the evening since DC2 was born as bedtime currently takes both of us. I will get back into it soon but have been able to go in the day time whilst on mat leave, DH managed to get back to the gym some evenings from DC2 being around 3-4 months.

"Back in my day, bla bla bla bla bla"
No one cares about your experience.
This is the OP's thread.
Stop making excuses for shit men.

He's doing yoga to remain sober - but he's still drinking

He needs yoga for his sanity - where the fuck is YOUR yoga, for YOUR sanity? You have a week old baby, yoga isn't a priority here. Especially when he can't actually use it as a reason to not drink. See above.

Sorry but he needs to pull his head out of his arse and step the fuck up. And you need to stop being a doormat and doing it all - you'll end up burning out and resenting him and his fucking 'sanity keeping yoga'. I resent him and I don't have a week old baby and a toddler, plus a selfish arsehole of a man to deal with.

Peanutbutter like so many things it all depends on what kind of baby/child you have. Just because you may have found it easy doesn’t mean others do.

And yes if one parent is working then it’s different (although most can manage to get home for bedtime for a few weeks) but here there is no need for OP to struggle alone.

I clicked into this post, thinking maybe the DH was at work each evening. But no, he is off to yoga - every single night?!

What a great excuse to get out of parenting! I agree with others - you have a DH problem here.

I honestly in real life don’t know many families where both parents have to be involved in bedtime!!! Mostly because at least one parent works and lots of people aren’t home till 7.30/8 and simply because it doesn’t need two grown adults to handle a couple of children!

At one week postpartum? 🤔Many partners are still on paternity leave at that point (and using that time to, y'know, be a parent). One week after giving birth I was still an emotional mess, very sore, bleeding heavily. I needed DH's support both practically and emotionally.
Maybe after a few weeks or months when you've managed to get your head around your new situation and established some kind of pattern then it no longer needs two grown adults, but implying that the OP should be able to "handle a couple of children" on her own is really cold IMO.

There are plenty of virtual yoga classes he could do after the kids go down. Alternately - get a night nurse and have him pay for it. For YOUR sanity.

Sorry your partner is doing YOGA while you are doing this?!?! Fuck me! Get him to stop the bloody evening yoga while you have two young kids needing bedtimes. I mean - what is he thinking?

This is a good example of him setting you up as default parent so you don't expect him to take on any additional responsibility going forward, even with two children. He's conditioning you from the outset.

I'm late and I haven't RTWT, but did it escape your husband's notice that you gave birth a week ago? He needs to put a pin the yoga for the time being. If he takes a 90 minute class 5 nights a week, he can surely start doing it at home for a while. He can find a video on YouTube.

Was literally waiting for someone to say the obvious.

I wouldn’t be happy with my DH going to Yoga for 2.5 hours at bedtime once a week if I had a one week old baby and a toddler, never mind five times a week.

Tell him to stay home. These are his children, not just yours.

“For his sanity”…. What about yours?

Unbelievable.

This.

This 🖕🏽 x1000

I don’t think I can get DH to adjust his plans. Yoga is 90 mins and 30 mins travel either side

Just hear to echo many others. Your H is a selfish, selfish cunt.