Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

[disappearie]

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

Fuck that. Your partner is massively taking the piss. Tell him you need two hours a day alone for sanity. Leave the kids with him.

Seriously, he could do online yoga at a convenient time and be a grown up.

My approach to parenting might be a little different.

I always ensured there was a bed comfortable for an adult to sleep on in each child's room.

My son went from a cot into a comfy double bed. Once my second baby arrived I could put her in her carry cot next to me on his bed and all cuddle down together for story time. I could feed my baby and cuddle my son. The baby would doze and he'd get all my attention.

This was my first thought too.

I did this too and it works. Everyone gets some sleep.

Massive massive DH problem. I am willing to bet my hat this is just the tip of the iceberg. No he cannot just check out of parenting all evening every evening for good. He will either have to reduce his sessions (2/3 times a week is ample) or do them at a different time. His mental health is not the only one that counts, he needs to compromise.

But he won't, I dare say. Because from the very little you've said, it is crystal clear he is a fucker.

I really hope this is one of those threads recently that gets everyone raging and talking and then the OP disappears and it gets deleted as a fake.

If it’s not, then I want to give you a hug and punch your DP in the face!

You deserve better.

You are doing so well OP. Your DH sounds like a selfish dick. He does not need to go to yoga every night. He can either go twice a week or do it from home once the kids are in bed. He needs to compromise.

Your DH's behaviour is completely unacceptable. He has to give up the yoga or tell him to take one of the children with him? Get angry with him. Tell him you need an evening hobby too.

If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve had a belly full of selfish, twatish partners myself I wouldn’t believe so many exist on MN, but unfortunately I do. How bloody dare he swan off to yoga every night and leave you to deal with all this. I hope you can come to some sort of middle ground so you don’t have to do this by yourself every night. Sorry to use such an ‘unwoke’ phrase but he needs to ‘man’ up and to hang with his me time indeed 😡

Wow. I honestly think your husband has to step up and cut down the yoga. If I have it right the class is 90 mins and plus travel he goes out for 2.5hours 5 nights a week!! Different if he was working but this is time out for him. Do you get any time for u?
You said Yoga helps him as he used to have a drink problem but he is still drinking at the weekends so can’t have been a massive issue that requires 7.5 hours of yoga a week.
He drops some sessions and those nights you go out for 2.5 hours and let him do it.

He has got to be fucking kidding.

OP - he needs to STOP GOING TO YOGA. No. No, No, No, No. He chose to have a baby. Can you fuck off to yoga every night? No of course you cannot! You have two tiny children. You should not be left all three of you crying because he is trying to live the wellness life of a responsibility free singleton. He needs to step up. Either he finds a late night yoga after bedtime. Or he finds an earlier one in the morning. Or he does his yoga at home / in the park / in the garden after the kids are in bed. He gets to go once a week, and that's generous.

Seriously OP he is taking the absolute piss. As if he's sat there doing his little poses to relaxing music while his wife, toddler and newborn cry at home because they need him.

Wow! No! He gives up yoga until the newborn is in a more settled routine.

90 min class and 30min travel each way?

OP, you need to stop this right now!

Op is one week after giving birth. Not that long ago she’d have still been in hospital. No idea of her physical state eg cs, unable to lift toddler etc. Presumably he’s on paternity leave.

I had three babies in two years and five months. Bedtimes were difficult as dad was a GP in a two man practice so never got home till after 8. The baby was on the breast....whilst stories were read to the two toddlers......it wasnt ideal...but it never is with small kids ...the baby was always happy latched on and stopped fussing.

Thanks everyone for coming back with comments. I ended up confronting DH about it and we ended up having a bloody massive row. He told me I was being verbally abusive and I really felt this way (he added that he doesn’t think I do) then he wonders why we even have children.

I told him I might head to my parents for a few weeks and he said he wouldn’t let me take DD - the toddler away and I could only go with the baby. He said it would be too disruptive for her.

I really really don’t want to split up the children and I really don’t want to go to my parents, I don’t get on with my mum that well And don’t love my DD to be around them too much.

He said I was fine with it today, and let him
go, so I told him I had changed my mind and he can’t go now.

I feel like the bad guy now, he doesn’t see how its unreasonable to even consider leaving me alone. I want to leave to get support but I feel like I can’t now, I really don’t want to split up my babies, I can already tell he is going to make it bloody difficult if I had to.

And too add sorry he’s not on paternity leave. He took a few days carer’s leave when I was in hospital but that stopped on Monday.

No you are their mother and you take them both. Any issues he can call the police and you will be allowed to take them end of. He needs to sort out his life this is not what parenting and a relationship are about.

Did he explain how he would care for the toddler and still manage to go out for yoga every weeknight, @disappearie ?

He doesn't see how its unreasonable for him to be out for 2.5 hours, 5 nights a week? What?!

@Solonge
I had three babies in two years and five months. Bedtimes were difficult as dad was a GP in a two man practice so never got home till after 8. The baby was on the breast....whilst stories were read to the two toddlers......it wasnt ideal...but it never is with small kids ...the baby was always happy latched on and stopped fussing

Was it? Oh that's nice. The OP's baby isn't, it's screaming its face off for hours of an evening. Some babies are like that. So neither helpful nor relevant. Also your DH working for a living and helping others is hardly the same as the OP's DH fucking off to get bendy every evening is it?

So if he won't let you take dd and keeps her with him, how is he going to go to yoga???? It's just a threat, he's not thought that kne through.

Also, yeah how's he going to do his yoga if he's looking after the toddler alone?

He is gaslighting you and deflecting his utterly selfish behaviour to make it your fault.

He is totally in the wrong here. I'm sorry that this is happening. Was he on board with the idea of another baby?

You poor thing. He is an abusive arsehole. He’s just proved it. You are NOT the bad guy, he is.

I hope some more experienced ladies will come along with practical advice for getting your ducks in a row etc, but as you are only 1 week post-partum you may just need to buy some time.

In the short term, can he/you afford to pay for help? Just to get you through this next bit.

As for separating your kids, how is he going to go to yoga every night if he’s in sole charge of a toddler??? He’s talking out of his arse, trying to frighten you. Ignore it, it will never happen.

Please please get some real life support and consider your future. Is this really how you want your life to be? I’m so sorry. 💐

If you feel unable to leave to get support from ur mum then leave when he’s at yoga. Let him come to your mums for u because you are her baby and I’m pretty sure she will give him some harsh words!