Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

[disappearie]

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

@disappearie was he also like this after your first was born? Were you ok with it then?

I'd say you owe it to your kids to take a deep breath and tell your partner that he IBU. But you owe it to yourself.

Read the comments about the partner before OP says DH in her first reply and after. The tone changes dramatically! Anyways, not that I don't agree there is a problem and he isn't being reasonable - it was just a noticeable shift in tone - from polite remarks to name calling when people realized it was a DH.

My DH "needs" to go the gym for his "mental health". He gets up at 5.30am every morning to fit it in whilst not impacting family time.

Your husband is the problem here.

This cannot be real! You are seriously letting him opt out every evening?

Speechless

Your partner needs to not be out of the house pursuing his hobbies every night at bedtime.

💯

He fucks off out for two and a half hours five nights a week, leaving you to deal with a newborn and toddler? To control his alcohol intake that he still partakes in at the weekend. And he needs it for his ‘sanity’ while you are literally one week out from giving birth?

Honestly I am at a loss how anyone could be so bloody selfish and how anyone could accept it.

Two and a half hours yoga time every night with a toddler and a new born. He is having a laugh.

I’m sure PP have said this but you partner should be helping at this stage. It takes ages to get into a routine, especially bedtime. If that is not an option then I would get a baby wrap. Feed the baby in advance, have them in the wrap after, when they’re calm/asleep then you attempt bedtime.

Why don’t you have the rage?? He’s downward dogging it and minding his breath in a relaxing class while you are juggling two small kids and dealing with postpartum stress.

I don’t think I can get DH to adjust his plans. Yoga is 90 mins and 30 mins travel either side.

You have a husband problem. I’m all for having time for yourself, but 2,5 hours most days leaving you with 2 little ones? Not a chance!

I only have one child, so can’t give practical advice on juggling, but your husband is tacking the Mickey.

I am gobsmacked at how selfish your partner is being. That is completely and utterly out of order.

If he won't give up yoga (AND FUCKING DRINKING AT THE WEEKENDS) until your baby is more settled then you're better off without him.

So in that case, to cope with two children at bedtime I agree that sling/wrap for the baby and then bedtime for the toddler is the best way to do it. When your baby is a bit older I highly recommend a vibrating bouncy chair. I found that a lifesaver when I had three little ones.

I hope your partner recognises what a monumental twat he's being and steps up.

I like how no one wanted to criticize your partner until they were sure it was a man! Then the insults flew.
Bullshit. I posted before catching up on the whole thing (mea culpa!) - due to outrage on behalf of poor struggling OP blaming herself for the partner's selfish fuckwittedness.

If he needs it to maintain sobriety
Oh, he's fine about not maintaining sobriety at weekends.
No need to worry about his fictional sobriety.

Does he get really overstimulated by the crying?
What. The actual. Fuck?

What happens when you try to talk to him about it?
Very good question, which I hope OP feels able to answer.
Sorry OP - your thread must feel very hard to read.
But you at least know now that YOU are not the 'failure' here, don't you?

My thought too.
No alcohol is the acceptable amount for an alcoholic.
Any alcohol is a "relapse".
He's not a former alcoholic if he's still drinking.

I'm so sorry OP but as a lone parent since my second was 6 weeks old I can honestly say you will find life a lot easier without him. For starters, you can sleep in the middle of the baby and toddler in the big bed and no one will come home later expecting everyone to move so they can fit in the bed. Sleep when they sleep (at night). Do housework/cooking during naps. Get a singing night light projector if you don't have one to settle them into a sleepy routine. Get those safety sides from Argos if you're worried about babies rolling out of bed at night.

You're already doing it alone. You're just keeping space in your house/head for him while you're doing it.

Your dh may no longer be on the piss but he’s certainly taking it.
One night a week of yoga at this stage would be pushing his luck if he were my dh.
My only advice is to start saving because eventually you’ll wake up and be a single mum.
Sorry to be brutal.

Jesus Christ, so for your partner's 'sanity' you have to put a screaming toddler and baby to bed every night? Let's at least be honest that your partner is bang out of order, unsupportive and selfish. Totally unbelievable. But we hear it on here all the time.

Presuming your partner continues to be too unbelievably selfish to help you, the baby in the sling or co sleeping sound like viable options.

Oh OP this is terrible. I'm so sorry.

It also went through my mind if he is in fact at yoga. I can't imagine anyone going that frequently and that far away. The drinking is BS too.

As someone who likes to do lots of yoga (not 90 mins every bloody day!) and sometimes can't even fit in 20 mins at home due to my baby, your partner is being selfish. He needs to grow up and put you and your DC first for a while. Surely he could practice abit of yoga at home once the toddler is in bed and you're all settled with baby? But for now I would cuddle/swaddle/feed newborn while cuddling toddler. And probably kick the selfish partner out.

mate - your husband is a dickhead

OP I have a 2 year old and a 12 week old. My DP is a shift worker so I've been doing bedtime solo since about 4 weeks.

I agree with all the previous comments about your DH. But if you can't get him to change, here are my "expert" tips:

• both children don't need bathing every night, and certainly not at the same time. You've got at least 6 months before you need to worry about a routine for baby.

• have somewhere you can put the baby in every room of the house, including the bathroom. Put baby in that while you bath the toddler

• If both are screaming at the same time, consider if one issue can be sorted quickly. If it can, then do that first. If it can't then sort the toddler out first.

• get the toddler to "help" with baby. Fetching nappies, wiping with sponge, reading a story, teaching them songs, anything will do! I often bring baby into toddler's room for story time.

• if toddler needs cuddling to sleep for ages, time to try and break the habit. Maybe a new Teddy or something? I've not had this issue so can't really help I'm afraid.

• forget the housework. As long as none of you are going to die of food poisoning, it's good enough.

Above all, cut yourself some slack. It is so so hard but I'm 12 weeks in and it's already easier. Just accept that your newborn won't get the same level of attention that your first born did. It's impossible. Neither of them will remember any of this and you aren't damaging either of them by leaving one to cry for a few minutes. Sometimes needs must.

Your husband is completely out of order for insisting on 2.5 hours a day out of the house especially at the most inconvenient time with a tiny newborn. I hope the other two days a week he does bedtime at least (though I suspect not)

What about your sanity?

practical terms - do you have a sling for the baby?
how is your 2 yo with a slightly later bedtime? Could you deal with the baby’s witching hour first and then deal with the toddler?

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

You're not failing, your partner is.

Partner goes to yoga another time or does a home class. You're 1 week post partum with a toddler, you deserve all the help you can get! Although partner shouldn't be 'helping out' the should be doing equal parenting.

Yup. And obviously I don’t know them, but two hours yoga every night seems like a lot. I think they just don’t like the hard bits of parenting.

You can’t just step out all evening, every evening ‘for your sanity’ when you have a toddler and a newborn. What about YOUR sanity! I don’t know what your set up is, but unless the other parent is with them all day, or has a disability, this isn’t ok. Most parents would give a weekly class a miss for a few weeks after a birth, let alone every day!