Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

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I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

I haven’t read the whole thread but - your partner does not need to go to yoga. Having a two year old and a newborn is very hard. My kids are older now but two years apart. The first year of having two was survival! Yoga needs to stop - at least not every day anyway, maybe once or twice a week.

Yoga = pub

He does a 90 minute yoga class every night? That is insane.

What a selfish pick, can't believe you have two babies so small and he is doing that. It's absolutely outrageous.

I also doubt that he’s actually doing Yoga.

I can’t imagine he’s drinking though seeing as he’s driving and obviously the OP would be able to smell alcohol on him or recognise drunken behaviours in him.

So ruling out drinking means theres probably only one other possibility with regards to why he’s away from home 2.5 hours of an evening five times a week….

I would grab your children - both of them - and get away from this arsehole.

Yes it might be time to go….

Your DH can't make you leave your toddler behind ... he'd have to give up his own working hours to watch her, no?

Just quietly pack them up and take them to your mum's when he's at work tomorrow. When he realises you've left, tell him you're reevaluating your entire relationship because of his selfish, twattish behaviour. Seriously.

If you really felt that way he wonders why you even have children? That sounds to me as though he doesn't believe you, of course you’re talking rubbish and if you really feel like that way, then everything is your fault / problem.

Right now, you are not working as a team. He doesn’t have your back. You may think he did by reducing the drinking and going to yoga. However it would appear he’s just temporarily replaced one addiction for another, albeit healthier one, neither of which are conducive to parenting very young children. Then the 2 days he cannot do his more healthy addiction, he reverts to the first.

I hope you find your strength both emotionally and physically. The thing he said about not taking your dd with you if you go and stay with your mum is horrible. You are the primary caregiver right now. He’s at work. You’re not going to leave her with a man, who cannot moderate his drinking levels.

Your children are not pawns and you are not a domestic appliance.

You have my sympathies op; I have twins and know this dilemma. I have to say, my dp didnt go out at bedtime until they were about 4/5 months old, until I had managed to find a system that worked, and even then, very rarely. You would not in my opinion be unreasonable at all to ask him to be present at bedtime for the time being if you are finding it hard; its very difficult!

Just what I was wondering. Funny how he could suddenly be available for one of them if you & baby weren't there🤔

Back in my day?! I’m 33 years old! It was a couple of years ago! 😂
And firstly the OP does care about other peoples experiences as she asked for advice about how to do bedtime with more than one child.
And secondly I didn’t make an excuse - I said it was poor behaviour for him. Totally bizarre really. That aside, I was just commenting that bedtime isn’t that hard if you have a pre planned timetable 🤷‍♀️

Yes with a normal start time, leaving at 8am. How do you mean “is it sustainable?”Like is it stressful? Plenty of (primarily London based) jobs - law, financial services - have these type of hours. I guess it’s stressful in a way but if you work in these type of areas there’s never been anything different.

Has he ever done bath/bedtime by himself with the two?
Perhaps this weekend you could hand over the reins and see how he goes! If he walks in your shoes for a couple of days then he might start to see why he is being unfair on you.

So, he wont miss some yoga when you ask, but he said you can go to your mums but must leave toddler with him? Then he'll NEVER go to yoga looking after toddler? Weird.
I'd let him have his evening yoga and you have several hours out to yourself every saturday and sunday, all day, leave him with the kids and then ask him how easy he finds it alone?

Oh and he cant stop you taking both the kids to your parents for a few weeks if thats what you feel you want to do. Just leave- when he's at yoga.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum yes your experience is an interesting one.
But did you get that the OP situation might different than your own too?

Like her toddler/baby might be more unsettled than yours (eg with reflux that would be diagnosed let alone tested at 1 week old)
Like your DH might have actually taken his two weeks paternity leave when the OP’s didnt
Like you had no issue with just buying a sling but finances might be very tight for the OP so just buying a sling Wo knowing if it will be working for her isn’t (fwiw it took me a few goes to find one I could wear with no back pain for example)
Like the Op might be struggling with the start of PND when you had no issue at all at that level.
Like it’s not the same at all to deal with someone not been there because they don’t want to and don’t care about you and your struggles vs someone who isn’t there but is doing their best.

Its all well and good to say ‘I’ve done so there is no reason that the Op can’t’ until you remember that (as they say) you might have been in a similar storm but you surely weren’t in the same boat.

Btw that’s the difference between saying ‘Try a sling, it could help’ and ‘if I’ve done it then so could you. It’s not that hard’.

one is offering an advice and maybe experience. The other is judgemental.

You definitely have a dh problem. You aren’t asking him to give it up forever - just this transition period.

I bet you do everything else for the house and kids too!

Brilliantly said

Does he work from home?

OP Are you all right?

Bit of weird night…. post the fight I obviously passed out due to exhaustion and when we got up this morning not much talking. He didn’t go to Yoga tonight due to the putting down of the foot, and he’s now doing the toddler bedtime and she is giving him absolute grief… just the same as she was with me last night. He looks like he’s been through a war.

Anyway, this morning he suggested we get my parents up in a few weeks to mind the children while we go to a gig and have a night away. Then back to very little talking.

I think he’s pretty hurt as I did say some things… like that he can’t call me a hero for birthing his son to everyone and then treat me like this in private. I told him he’s capitalising on the “happy dad and family guy” image at work but is too big of a pussy to ask his employer for two weeks off. And that even his dad who is the embodiment of Victorian Fatherhood took time off when his kids were born.

Bit harsh?

and now he’s off to buy wine… brilliant

sorry should have mentioned I’m in UK expat living in Sydney hence the weird timing of the posts.

I don't think you were harsh. I think you've made him realise he's being a selfish twat and if he talks to you he's got to admit you're right, so he's trying to make amends.

Quite mild I would say

Op I'd bring your kids to visit your mum. Then have a serious think what you want to do in the future.

I don't know the rules but there can be issues getting kids out of Australia if the other parent says no.
Get out the country and breathe.