Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

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I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

so he gets yoga for his sanity while you go insane every night. sounds fair!

I think it has all been said. How about showing him this thread? If he can't understand the degree of selfishness you need to act. Sorry. I have DC with the same age gap as you and was often forced to deal with them alone as DH had to travel for work, so I know how hard it is. I wouldn't have accepted it by choice, though.

Working on the assumption he is just on a steep learning curve
Are you reading a different thread? Because everyone else is working on the assumption he’s an abusive wanker.

This 🙄

Op, I had similar to this a few months ago and it was a nightmare (not with anyone going to yoga mind you!)
how I managed was getting the newborn down first. Mine was a colicky baby so it didn’t always work out, but what I did was used the buggy to rock them asleep or the baby bouncer when she was bad for reflux at the start while I had wind down time with the toddler (colouring with white noise playing to also help settle baby or playing with stickers, basically quiet play without much potential to turn boisterous. When the new baby went asleep I could settle the toddler. Sometimes the baby didn’t want to play ball so I kept the toddler up, just had to be done. She is 2.5 now and the baby is 10 months and everything is so much easier now by miles, I don’t think it’s right your partner is getting all this me time, he needs to help more and suck it up you are still recovering from the birth aswell. I think he is very selfish. You deserve better than that.

Well done for supporting your husband's relaxation sessions. Clearly it's important to prioritise his wellbeing🙄

Am I the only person not believing this guy is actually going to Yoga!?
I'd bet he's actually secretly out drinking somewhere.

Tell him to fuck off with his 'sanity' argument while he dumps one of the toughest times of days on you to do solo day in and day out. YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH.

I'm sorry you've married an asshole, but you need to veto the yoga at the time of day right now or tell him to get to fuck.

Lots of good advice here, I just want to say OP I am so sorry that that man, instead of protecting you and helping you to enjoy your children, is fighting with you when you most need quiet and peace.

No advertisement for his yoga teacher, that is for sure.

Yep, this.

YADNBU bedtime is always the hardest part of the day with babies/small children, even worse with a very new baby. Your husband needs to put his family first for a few weeks and ease back on his yoga. He's being very selfish. I can't imagine your sanity's that great at the moment with him buggering off to do his own thing 5 nights a week and leaving you to deal with the bedtime shit show.

So he has to go to Yoga with the threat that he might start drinking more if he doesn't.
He stops you going to your parents with the threat that he will somehow force you to leave DD behind.
Does he try and control everything you do with threats?

This man doesn’t even have to go without his ‘vital’ yoga - he could be a parent and make bedtime a joint effort, and then do his yoga later on, once the toddler is asleep, and he’s made sure his wife and baby have got what they need whilst he does so.

This is what he’d be offering to do - or at worst agreeing to do - in this situation. Instead he is clearly demonstrating what a nasty, lazy, selfish knob he is.

If he is truly unwell and struggling with problematic drinking and so needs to do yoga 5 days a week, he needs to speak to his employer to find a way to reduce his hours/ask for special accommodation to get the support that he needs (e.g. counselling, yoga during the day, etc.). It shouldn't be a burden that is falling entirely on you.

When ours were that little, I did the baby and dh did the older one for bedtime. On the rare occasion that dh wasn't home, I fed baby or wore in a sling while doing bedtime with older one.

Why can’t he just do yoga at home or choose a different time for going to a class? Why does he have to leave the house for bedtime 5 days a week?! It’s not like he’s doing a team sport where he needs to do it with others there.

This. You’ve got a newborn baby and a toddler. Why on earth does he think it’s acceptable to fuck off to his hobby every night at this stage? He should still be on paternity leave to enable him to support you.

I don't understand why you're trying so hard to tackle the issue with the children, when the clear issue is that your husband/partner whatever, is a grade A wanker.
He stops yoga or he fucks off. There is your solution.
I also highly doubt he's at yoga tbh.

Daily yoga during crazy busy bedtime?? He sounds like a total knob.

I had the exact situation of doing bedtime with a newborn and 2 year whilst my DH was working late. It’s tough, but I snuggled my toddler down for a story whilst bf the baby, then the older one would cuddle with blankets and a pillow whilst I settled the baby to sleep. Then I scooped the 2 year up and took them to their own bedroom.

You have a DH problem. Don’t have any more children with this selfish ass!!

So wait, he's going to keep your 2 year old for several weeks because you aren't allowed to take her with you if you want to go to your parents. How is he going to make it to yoga every night then?

On a practical level when my husband was a phenomenal twat and my kids were similar ages I survived by the following:

Wearing the newborn in a sling everywhere.

Dumping newborn in bouncy chair thing when I had to dash to stop the toddler eating dirt/spiders/batteries etc

Bottle feeding - had to, couldn't have dedicated the time to it and dealt with dashing autistic DC. Bottles meant I could feed, burp and put baby down. Done in five mins. Sounds mercenary but obviously I had lovely and less rushed quiet bottle feeding times with DBaby during the evenings/night, but daytime? Forget it. DBaby is 3 now and absolutely brilliant.

Sacking off nightly baths. Water wipe bath for baby. Bath when grimy for tot.

Telly. CBeebies bedtime hour starts at 6ish and I would aim to have them both in their pyjamas with milk by the end of the bedtime story. That gave me an hour, and Iggle Piggle helped a lot!

Hiring in help. The week I mentioned before where my DH took a completely non essential job away for a week because he had no idea what priorities were I hired myself a new moth doula. She was like my mum. She made me tea and said stuff like 'You go brush your teeth, then we will go to Tesco'. She visited for two hours once a day for that week and she saved my arse.

I meant to say dedicate the time to breastfeeding, not it. It sounds a bit cold. I did BF my baby for the first week but then alcoholic DH went back to work and I was back in charge of everything again.

Quite honestly your partner needs to stop him yoga for YOURS and your children’s sanity. Tell him you have an important doctors appointment at bedtime and let him see how it is. You NEED his support. Anyone who wouldn’t step up at this time is quite frankly utterly selfish

I didn't hire a moth for a doula either. I am tired today.

DH is doing bedtime tonight tho

Ummm I think the yoga can wait until you guys are in a better routine, shouldn’t really need to be said!

I used to go to yoga many evenings when I had a newborn… I brought the baby with me! DH did the toddlers’ bedtime while I was out. Unless your DH is willing to bring a kid with him to his class, then this is really not on. But you know that. I’m very sorry that you’re in this situation. Your DH honestly sounds more challenging than two young kids.