Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

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I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

I don't understand why he can't do his yoga another time like a reasonable adult.

Op, I really think you need to leave this guy.

He's an alcoholic. If he's only; coping by taking 2.5 hours away from his obligations each night, he's not coping.
That will only get worse.

He's a bully and controlling and is trying to stop you taking your children even though he refuses to parent them himself.

He's only making your life harder. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Also, why did HE have children if HE never wants to do bedtime? Why does it only apply to you?

This-

Come on ,you can do this ,some women have twins .
i had 3 under 3

= not bloody helpful.

My non drinking alcoholic DH got a really good therapist and goes there once a week for an hour. He's been going for a year. Probably cheaper than all the yoga, and better in the long term. Better hours too. Maybe suggest that as an alternative.

"I feel like the bad guy now"

This is what he wants.

Other than the yoga (which is for more often than necessary when you have a newborn at home), how much is he around to help? Typical day, what does he do and how long for?

The keeping your DD is an empty threat to keep you in Your place. He doesn't look after her now and the row is because you need him to parent. He's not going to be able to do a 90min Yoga trip with a toddler.

You'd be better off without this abusive test

Don't show him this thread.

OP Please show your DH this thread.

In all my (17 years) on MN, I have never EVER come across such sanctimonious selfish bullshit. THIS is when you need him more than you ever will and he is e is not even TRYING to be a parent or a husband. What an absolute cock.

Show
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I'm in a very similar position so really do feel for you! DD is 2 and DS is almost 3 months now. The first few weeks are really tough but I can tell you it gets easier as your baby grows and toddler adjusts to their new sibling. It got a lot easier around 8 weeks especially after DS received treatment for his acid reflux. My DH stays away overnight regularly for work so it's just me and DC a lot of the time. What I found works is starting the bedtime ages before it's actually due and aiming to have DS asleep/settled in bouncy chair for when I'm due to take DD up to bed. If it doesn't go to plan, DS just comes with us and joins in to say night night. Instead of cuddles I usually stroke DD's hair and give her a big kiss as I can do that one handed, while holding mega fussy DS.

On a separate note, your DH's behavior is unacceptable. One simply does not get to have 'me' time every night at your expense. His priorities are all wrong as he should be at home helping to look after HIS OWN children. Once your baby is a bit older by all means he can resume the yoga but even then every night sounds excessive. This is assuming of course you also get an evening to yourself to do whatever you please.

Also, please do not ever call yourself a failure! Congratulations on your new baby and best of luck!!!

Your husband is a selfish prick. You get through this by putting your foot down and demanding he “helps” with his own kids

He's ignored OP, his wife, the woman who he should apparently hold above all others. He's not going to listen to a forum of 'insert derogatory term here'.

If OP shows him this thread she has lost a place to vent and seek support, validation and advice and he will most likely use it as a stick to beat her with.

Don't show him this thread.

You think he'll listen to a load of internet randoms when he won't listen to anyone else?

I came on to say that the yoga needs to stop. Reading your updates I am now saying take the kids and get out, for good. From his reaction he sounds like a dangerous narc and you need to get out.

What an utter bollo* your "d"husband is.

I knew of another husband who refused to give up his beloved sport despite being asked to by his wife's psychiatrist - his wife was suffering from severe post natal depression. 🙄

Just popping in to agree with everyone who’s already posted: your partner is a colossal waste of space. So he thinks it’s too disruptive for your daughter to go to your mum’s for a while but it’s perfectly fine for her to have her routine thrown out because you’re having to manage both children’s evenings on your own? What a selfish prat. If your feelings don’t matter to him maybe ask him how he can justify his alone time when it means your daughter has to accept losing her bedtime cuddles with mummy at precisely the time she will most need them so as not to feel
displaced by her brother.
If he really won’t change, and if the sling isn’t working out, you could try putting baby in a rocker on the floor while you do bath and bed. I sometimes did that in the early days with number two when my husband was out (for work). I also found a simple light show (waggling around one of those lamps that makes patterns on the ceiling) sometimes kept baby happy while I read the bedtime story to my three year old. But tbh it was hit and miss, and sometimes there was just a lot of screaming and I felt completely overwhelmed. It does get better. I don’t dread husband going away/being out like I used to at all. But it’s a tough stage that you’re going through and it’s incredibly selfish of your partner to decide to relax with a spot of yoga at the expense of his wife and children’s emotional health.

He sounds pretty arrogant to me. And he obviously considers himself to be 'mentally healthy' (see: Yoga).

Therefore a huge consensus of people telling him he is not some spiritual creature but a selfish nob, might actually hit home...?

What an absolute selfish dick head your partner is.

Only skim read this - but your baby is a week old .... what partner goes out to yoga 5 nights a week when you're trying to get into a routine a week after giving birth?

If he works long hours and has a stressful job then maybe he does need to wind down but 5 nights? Seriously?? And if it's taking up 3 hours each night then it doesn't sound as if he's working long hours anyway

Could he compromise and do 2/3 nights? Then maybe you could have the odd night off as well?

But tbh he sounds like a a selfish pr*ck😒

Wow 😮 There’s selfish and then there’s this! What are you getting out of this one-sided relationship!? I’m not really able to talk because I’ve still not left my abusive husband, but I’ve started counselling which is helping me formulate a plan. I hope you can find someone IRL to talk to OP. You need help to deal with your selfish, pig of a husband. Take care of yourself and your babies x

how does he intend for the toddler, even with some kind of daycare whilst he is working, there's the all important yoga!
Is he expecting the children to be settled by the time he gets home?

I was obsessed with keeping my toddler's routine was DS2 was born, there's a little under 2 years between them. DS2 would settle in a baby swing. But in hindsight, just making sure teeth were brushed and bathing in the morning would have been more sensible. Even crashing out on the sofa for now is better than managing a newborn and toddler who is still adjusting.

Your partner needs to step up. This is beyond selfish.

Wow …. My dh wasn’t that great but he’d come home from working in London all day and immediately take our new born out for walk to give me a break from her all day screaming . As far as he was concerned his “me time “ was 1/2 train work commute there and back. You need to find some strength to tackle him about his utterly prickish selfishness.

He’s absolutely having an affair for goodness sake! 2.5 hours off out every evening?! Like he needs to drive 30 mins for Yoga unless you leave pretty remotely this is a stretch. Absolute arsehole leaving you to single parent I cannot comprehend quite how selfish he actually is 🤯 he can’t stop you taking DD I’d like to see him try just go tomorrow whilst he’s at work! You need help and support and if he refuses to give you that then get it where you can.

obviously ‘show him the thread’ is dreadful ‘advice’. Whoever said that, please don’t give such bad suggestions. Showing an abuser the victims support is obviously a terrible idea. For fucks sake.

OP you don’t have to obey the deadbeat. You can discard him, and he will have to parent his offspring. Tell him of course he will be parenting his kids, he will shit himself.

Your DH must have a very flexible back. All that yoga so many times in a week. I simply dont believe hes doing yoga , I cant