Who do I choose? Screaming newborn or screaming toddler at bedtime?

[disappearie]

I have a 1 week old son and a 2 year old daughter. My partner goes to yoga at night so I’m in charge of bedtime for both. Have been having a go at it for the last two nights and I’m in tears each night because I’m failing.

My newborn is incredibly unsettled in the evenings which is completely normal. My toddler has been on a great schedule which I have worked so hard on.

Last night I gave up on putting her to bed because I didn’t want to let my newborn scream. Tonight I let the newborn fuss while I did the toddler and because I had to try and do her bedtime quickly, she is now screaming out for cuddles.

I can’t handle both screaming but clearly I need to pick one. I feel so horrible for letting the newborn fuss and cry, and for letting my newborn cry emotionally for cuddles.

Who do I prioritise? I honestly feel like such a failure.

People posting things like "I don't know what you're complaining about, I was a single mum with triplets and a puppy and two jobs, and I only have one arm" - good for you. You probably walked barefoot in the snow to school too, uphill both ways.
The OP isn't in a situation where she needs to be struggling with this - she is in a 2-parent home with a partner who is presumably on paternity leave, who is CHOOSING to leave her alone and stressed to the point of tears, while he swans off to his hobby for hours every single day.
Her situation is not comparable to yours.

OP. I'm really sorry.

Please contact Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

You don't have to do this alone.

Yoga... is that what they are calling it these days?

I think your partner needs to prioritise your sanity!
Your newborn is so new and your toddler is probably feeling like their world has just been shaken up, it shouldn’t be just you trying to deal with all of this.

OK your last message just confirmed he is indeed as suspected an abusive twat. Gaslighting, empty threats, the works.

He cannot 'not let' you take your DD wherever you choose. You are her mother. And he has no intention of keeping her anyway as then he couldn't go to fucking yoga could he? Call his bluff and go to your parents' with BOTH kids. Maybe you don't get on that well with your mum but you don't get on with this prick either and she might at least be vaguely helpful.

Also what is he talking about, 'if you really feel this way why did you have children'? You had children WITH HIM, presumably on the expectation he wanted to be a fucking parent. The shitbag. It's not like you bought a puppy without telling him and are now asking him to take it walkies. These are his children, who have two parents. Your baby is ONE WEEK OLD. Als, 'which he doesn't think you do'? Who the FUCK is he to tell you how you do or don't feel?

He is showing you who he is. It's shit he's doing it now, when you are most vulnerable so recently postpartum. Shit but not at all surprising as capitalising on vulnerability is exactly what abusers do. I hope like anything you have a job to go back to. Divorce this nasty bastard and then at least he'll have to look after his children when he has contact.

He doesn’t see how it's unreasonable to even consider leaving me alone.

Then you walk out and leave him to singlehandedly deal with bedtime this evening, OP.

That might wake the bendy fucker up.

I want to make this so very, very clear to you, if I can:

You are NOT a failure.

No woman can be expected to raise two children completely alone with no support and help. You're recovering from pregnancy and birth. You need someone to help look after you as well as the children.

It sounds to me like you may be in a coercive/controlling relationship. At least, it doesn't sound like a healthy one. I cannot imagine a man fucking off for 2/5 hours every night, it's just unacceptable that he'd even consider that okay.

I hope you can reach out and get support from your family, friends, HV, organisations. There are people out there willing and able to help. Bon courage.

Pointing out that he is abusing you is not being "verbally abusive" to him the fecking shitbag. Please contact womensaid OP. Also you can definitely take both children with you OP. X

All of this.

Classic DARVO

Just leave whilst he's out at work or at yoga with both children. He is not entitled to stop you, they are your children and he has no means of looking after them.

Frankly, I simply don't believe the yoga story. No-one needs to do yoga classes five nights a week for years on end to stop themselves drinking. Find out where your local AA meets and send him there.

He is so wildly unreasonable I can't even...

Show him this thread

I'd definitely cut out the man baby to begin with. Your kids will grow up thinking this is what a relationship is, Mum does everything while Dad undermines her and helpfully goes off to "yoga" every night when the going gets tough. In light of your updates, I'm hoping "yoga" isn't code for the pub.

I think Women's Aid might be able to help you see the wood for the trees. He's not your boss, and behaving like he is your boss is abusive. It might help to tell your midwife too - she can probably suggest other sources of help. You don't have to stay in this situation. You can leave with both your kids. If you're worried he'll be violent, you can leave first and tell him you've left afterwards. You don't have to go to your mum - especially if she's also abusive. Women's Aid should be able to help you think this stuff through.

So dad uses yoga as a crutch to avoid drinking but drinks at the weekend anyway? Sounds like he’s got it all worked out.

no wonder he blew up in your face, he’s annoyed that you’re trying to rock the boat with this sweet deal he’s got going, he can’t have it all his own way, he needs to compromise and work with you to get this to work, in the interim you need more support while baby is so young and with the toddler - he can’t throw “why do we even have kids” in your face; that’s the most unhelpful sentence he could say, as if you can just go; oh ok let’s give them up then.

newborns are hard work; even with the best support and routines in the world, I would be telling him that he either meets you in the middle - are there later classes he can attend? Attend every other day? Or you’re going to your parents for support and taking both the kids. You are giving him options he needs to work with you on them.

bedtimes can be fixable with a sling and cuddles - tell toddler how much baby loves to join in for a book, make it part of a new routine. Encourage toddler to “read” to you, cuddles with all 3 of you, get her to “help” you with the baby, that way she’s still getting the attention from you without feeling like you have to pick who to tend to.

He goes to yoga 5 nights a week? He is prioritising himself and his response is a disgrace. Let him focus on himself and contact your parents and tell them you need their support and take your DC to them. I have no doubt he has no interest in looking after your 2 yr old, its just his way of trying to exert control and ensure you dont leave. How could he possibly go to yoga with a 2 yr old in tow...

focus on you and your DC and go to your parents and get RL support

Did you ask him why he had kids if he wants to fuck off to yoga every night after work and never see them?

Go to your mum's and take the toddler. You've just given birth, you need support. And he's not going to stop you if he's at work... who will look after the toddler?

This sounds like a bigger issue than bedtime.

There's a small group of men at the yoga studio I go to like this - all in recovery but they've just replaced booze and drugs with down dog. If he's doing it to stop drinking but is still drinking then he needs to get to AA or some therapy because the yoga ain't working.

short term - baby in sling, do the quick version of bedtime and get out of there. Don't wash his yoga kits.
Long term - ducks in a row and get out of there

2.5 hours a week at bedtime when you have two tiny kids a week post partum? Absolute abusive arsehole. Tell him fine. He can keep the toddler. Her bedtime is 7pm and he will need to take 2 weeks off as you will need at least that at your mums that to recover from being treated like a fucking servant hours after giving birth. He won't want that.

Tell him it isn't verbal abuse to tell an abusive arsehole they are an abusive arsehole, then show him this thread. He knows fine well he's a piece of shit, he's just expecting you to bow down and shut up. It's probably not even yoga. He might as well go full stop. What's the point of him?

A week is no time for your toddler. She might not adjust immediately but a slight change in routine will be okay. A book together, feed the baby together, and hopefully she will go down. Time to plan how you will all adjust once your waste of space 'D'H is out of the picture, because let's face it, he's neither really a father or a husband now, is he?

I always prioritised the toddler when I had this scenario. (18 month gap). The older one cells pushed out; the baby won't remember. (It was only ever 15 minutes or so).

Hadn't read the whole thread and obviously your partner is a dick.

Oh @disappearie I feel for you. You had a baby a matter of days ago and your DH is not stepping up. If he won't help you when you need him to do desperately, then when will he!?
It's bloody hard juggling to begin with. I'm 4 months in and still need DH to help with one of them in the evenings.

What's his bright idea for you leaving DD at home whilst you go to your parents if he's pissing off to yoga??

No advice sadly, just sympathy and hope you can get him to see why he needs to help you.

DH needs his head knocked around. Hard. Tell him to step up.

he wouldn’t let me take DD - the toddler away and I could only go with the baby. He said it would be too disruptive for her.

So is he going to stop yoga to care for her?

I recommend a stretchy wrap, and a divorce.

Bathtime together, then pop the newborn in the sling and rock standing up if they don't like you sitting, while reading a book to the toddler and getting them settled down. Then feed baby and work on settling them.

Your H is a nasty selfish shit bag, I'm so sorry op.