DS2 (7yo) punched a teacher in the face

[OnTheGoAlways]

I don't know what to do, and I wondered if someone had been through anything like this and come out the other side.

DS has had emotional/behavioural issues since about 3, he hit nursery staff even then. He has tourettes (we have been on the CAHMS waiting list for a very long time after badgering the GP for some help, he's been ticking for 4 years), and he has anxiety.

When he's at home, 90% of the time he is lovely, funny, well mannered, thoughtful, articulate. He bickers with DS1 (11) quite alot but DS1 is very starts things off after a day of being embarrassed by DS2 behaviour at school (DS1 in final year at primary and DS2 often runs at him and his friends). My life is just spent mediating.

I have been called into the school 3 times this week. Yesterday DS2 punched several teachers including one in the face. I am horrified and ashamed.I work FT and had to leave 2 important meetings to go to school. When I arrived yesterday DS2 was under a chair blanket fort, in a dark room, with the HT and a learning assistant. The school office had phoned and said I needed to get down right away as things were really bad. For the rest of the week DS2 is being taught alone in this room, and will have different break times.

How can I solve this and make things better? Where do I start? I WFH 1 day a week and he comes home for lunch then. Things are home are calm and predictable. I feel like I'm heading for a break down.

I'm sorry, I didn't say all that to add worries, I said it as I wish I wasn't as cooperative and fought them earlier instead of trusting them, they talked a good game. I wish I pulled my son out of that school earlier. It wasn't until I blew up that they got him a place in a unit within a day! They will push you and push you until you push back.

It makes me so angry when I hear of other children going through this, the education system massively failed my son, as well as the over inflated egos who manipulated me (and a headteacher threatened shen I said I was going to the education board) and who believed their skills were far greater than they were. Your average teacher neither has the skills, knowledge or even the support themselves to cope.

I completely get that it's the systems fault, and there are some amazing teachers out there, but some really aren't that amazing either and will let a situation get chronic to save themselves.

I'm now that parent for my son, I wish I spoke up sooner, and I'm sorry to say that this incident wasn't the worst in a whole 4 years of hell. My son still talks in a bad way about himself, he had suicidal ideation and still has occasionally. It's taking a long time to build him back up again, and this is with the help of his unit and some absolutely amazing teachers, he'sa different and mostly happy boy now, albeit with still a lot of work to go. I sound against teachers, I'm really not and I'm so sorry if I sounded like I was scaremongering @loafintheoven and @OnTheGoAlways

Are you sure you’re going to lose your job? Or is it just you’re so overwhelmed you’re over thinking things?

maybe DS should go and stay with your ex for a bit. Give you and your other DS a break. You sound at breaking point

You are not a shit mother. You are doing an amazing, incredible job in very difficult and painful circumstances. This is not your fault.

(It's not his, either, it's just one of those really difficult things.)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You (all) will be OK. Hugs from across the Internet

@OnTheGoAlways just hoping your ok today?

Are you ok OP?

Hi,
Just wondering how you’re getting on? Your last message sounded so despondent. I hope you’re getting some help with your son and have managed to have a bit of a break somehow.

Let us know how you are.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. Things WILL get better! It might not be soon but they will. You are the only person who can be a consistent loving parent for your DS. Please keep going. Just take it one day at a time. I think it's awful that school said you should work PT. You need to pay the bills and eat, feel free to push back on that. Such an idealistic comment.

Your entire family has been utterly failed by the system. Your son clearly needs an individual aid at school who can shadow him, block violence for now, eventually learn his triggers and de-escalate in advance.

it will get better once he has proper support. You have to remember that wonderful kid you were seeing at home is still in there. He is just trying to navigate a world that is not built for him and doesn’t understand people like him.

OP

I'm sorry I can't give any practical advice I just wanted to say you are doing a great job.

You don't know how good a job you are doing at the moment because life is throwing shit at you.

I have nothing useful to add, but just wanted to send you some solidarity OP. My ND and ASC 6 yo spent yesterday lobbing wooden bricks at a TA and I’ve got a meeting with the HT first thing today (hence wide awake!)

Cheesy af but this too shall pass. X

I'm sorry, I don't have useful practical advice to offer, but please don't believe that you are a shit mother, you are so far from this, you are a wonderful mum. You've worked so hard and done so well for your family and I'm really sorry that everything is so difficult and relentless. Will you please also seek some help for yourself from your gp?

@Deguster - hope your HT meeting went OK. Mine once emptied a whole (full height) bookcase of brand new books thrown across the classroom. Awful at the time, but I can now look back with relief at how far he's come.
OP - really hope you're OK. I've been watching the thread hoping you'll post that things are a bit better. We're all willing you on!

Hello, thank you so much to everyone that has posted again. @Deguster I really hope you're doing okay, I know that horrible sinking feeling all too well.

Things haven't really improved, although DS is staying in the classroom for longer periods, he isn't doing any work, he often sits on his chrome book. We had parents evening last week and decided to do a phone call instead of going into school as DS has no work to show. The teacher said she is just working on having him in the room, but hes sitting at the front still, still excluded in some ways. The school had a Halloween party and we didn't go because I was too ashamed as the parents who were messaging me were there. We have been late every morning because i dont want to see any parents. DS1 is still avoidant and resentful of DS2.
Social work have been round but I've not heard from them since. I phoned to ask about the multi team meeting but was told SW and school kept missing each other.

I went to the GP last week, she said she wouldn't give me any SSRIs because it won't improve the situation. She advised that we look at moving and taking DS2 to a different school. She said the situation is unsustainable. I have been referred for psychological therapy.

Honestly, it just feels utterly traumatic. We are isolated from the very small community we live in, financial stress, dissociative, no consistent support network (and I'm too ashamed to make friends). I still wonder if DS2 should move in with his Dad, I think about it as a form of escape.

I've got an interview for a promotion at work next week, but I should never have gone for it because I can't possibly do it, and I feel like the interview is a sympathy move as the team are nice people. I just feel like I've put them in an awkward position.

OP I would insist he lives with his Dad. Let him deal with this. It’ll get his head out of denial when is his job on the line, his quality of life going down the shit pan, him who is being isolated from everyone around him. He has equal parental responsibility and it seems he’s doing fuck all. There is no shame in this, and you have to balance your elder child’s needs too.

@OnTheGoAlways I'm so glad you're still hanging in, but sorry to hear things aren't really improving.

I'm also in a small village, so I know how isolating this can feel. My DS eventually ended up at a school in the next village 5-ish miles away, and was much happier and calmer. I could then start facing people again, and I found there was more kindness and sympathy available in my village, that I hadn't been able to see because of the shame.

If the GP is suggesting moving house, then surely a better starting point would be to look for a better school placement first (preferably via a managed move). I also think, as long as it's safe, that DS2 should spend more time regularly staying with his dad, even if it's just to give you a bit of breathing space, and proper time with DS1.

As far as your work is concerned, good on you for seeking promotion! Be realistic about your commitments, and open about them with the interview panel.

Finally, do push with your local authority. They are ultimately responsible for providing education for your DS, and what he has at the moment clearly isn't working.

Good luck!

Sorry, me again. i had a phone call from the local police station tonight, a member of the public (a parent from school) raised a complaint against DS. The officer (who was lovely actually) said that they had to follow it through as it involved a child. He had spoken to the school and felt the school and I were doing all we could. So, DS has a vulnerable person referral, which actually may speed up the CAHMS referral, so may actually help us.

No one has spoken to me, no one has given me a chance to explain, they just went to the police about a 7 year old. We live in a small village, we didn't go to the Halloween party and we won't go to the Christmas light switch on and school Christmas party. Just completely excluded.

My mum wants us to move into the city into my Nannas flat as she can no longer use the stairs to access it. Its a good area with good school catchment. But DS1 heard my mum say it to me and was crying so I spent time comforting and reassuring him.

Hope everyone else is doing okay.

Do you think the move could help?
If dc1 sees it as a move for all of you to make you all better would that help.instead of thinking it's for his db.maybe take just ds1 there to scope it out?

@40andlols yes, because it’s all down to the school when the child is punching teachers. How dare they calm the parent 🙃

I would seriously consider the move, village schools aren't always a good setting for children with difficulties like your DS2. And a city probably has more services DS2 might benefit from accessing.

It's bound to feel unsettling for DS2 but long term it sounds like it would be for the best.

@OnTheGoAlways I'm so sorry you've still got other parents stirring things up. This is effectively bullying (them bullying you). They have successfully excluded you from their "gang". It's probably a couple of alphas, leading the charge, but no-one is standing up to them. If you haven't already told the school about it, you should. You've got enough on your plate without them sticking their oar in. What were they expecting the police to do, for goodness' sake?
Have you had your multi-agency meeting yet?
It seems that DS1 is the only one who has anything to lose by a move to the city. Talk to him about it - the pros and the cons. He may just be very worried about losing his friends. Would he be able to keep in touch?

I will speak to the school tomorrow about it, they know already but I'd like to hear their side I guess.

I am willing to drive DS1 to his current school and keep him at his football club if we move.

Yes, it's the exclusion which upsets me, it feels very unfair and stuck in the past, but I'm trying to put myself in their position. I understand the upset, but cannot imagine going to the police for a 7 year old.

Hi there, I have been in your situation with my son who is now 21. I won't go into details but Life has been a nightmare for both of us. Unfortunately as you are discovering no-one ( apart from people with no power to really advance your situation ) is going to offer to help. It may sound harsh but will save you years of wasted time, effort etc but to help your boy and stop yourself from having a nervous breakdown you Must do all the work yourself. Your son Must go to a specialist school a.s.a.p. Don't wait around for others to decide, pay for a thorough assessment and get whatever is the necessary requirement in Scotland to get a diagnosis. You probably will have to see several different people/ agencies etc. Go places and bang on doors and insist on being seen. Take names and notes and follow up everything that is said in black and white. If you have a telephone conversation put it in black and white. Immediately send a letter/ e-mail thanking them for the phone call/ meeting etc and reiterate what was said. Keep copies of everything. Try to find a group or advice centre that deal specifically with children with difficulties. You don't have to be diagnosed-just go and other parents may have advice on how to proceed. Please don't sit back and wait (like I did) whilst good meaning people/agencies tell you to wait quietly and they will get back to you. Good luck, be strong and keep at it. You will succeed!

How's it going @OnTheGoAlways? Hope you're getting some breathing space over Christmas.

There we’re lots of children with behavioural problems like this at a previous primary school I worked in with no diagnosis , don’t feel like it’s just you and don’t be ashamed - the system is awful and slow to get diagnosed- just keep trying with the GP , has an expert observed your child in school?