DS2 (7yo) punched a teacher in the face

[OnTheGoAlways]

I don't know what to do, and I wondered if someone had been through anything like this and come out the other side.

DS has had emotional/behavioural issues since about 3, he hit nursery staff even then. He has tourettes (we have been on the CAHMS waiting list for a very long time after badgering the GP for some help, he's been ticking for 4 years), and he has anxiety.

When he's at home, 90% of the time he is lovely, funny, well mannered, thoughtful, articulate. He bickers with DS1 (11) quite alot but DS1 is very starts things off after a day of being embarrassed by DS2 behaviour at school (DS1 in final year at primary and DS2 often runs at him and his friends). My life is just spent mediating.

I have been called into the school 3 times this week. Yesterday DS2 punched several teachers including one in the face. I am horrified and ashamed.I work FT and had to leave 2 important meetings to go to school. When I arrived yesterday DS2 was under a chair blanket fort, in a dark room, with the HT and a learning assistant. The school office had phoned and said I needed to get down right away as things were really bad. For the rest of the week DS2 is being taught alone in this room, and will have different break times.

How can I solve this and make things better? Where do I start? I WFH 1 day a week and he comes home for lunch then. Things are home are calm and predictable. I feel like I'm heading for a break down.

I don't know the SEN system in Scotland, but If it is possible for parents to start the EHCP (equivalent) process of without waiting for the school I would suggest you do it. Certainly in England you would have more than sufficient grounds.

Ok your doing amazing.no lie.im bowled over your still standing.
This sounds horrificly overwhelming for both of you.
How is work,do they have understanding of mental health etc, could they be supportive if you had a meeting?it sounds like you've got so much pouring In on you luv,your going to drown if you just don't get some room to breathe and see through the fog.
Do your write.have you time to journal.sounss silly in the scheme of things but sometimes a few minutes to pen out the worries when your a lone adult can really help.like a convo of support with a friend? You need to offload share some of this burden.
Your son must be really scared.he can't announce his feelings he doesn't understandvthem so he's just bursting instead.
But you both deserve the right support so keep advocating for it.u often have to fight for this stuff which is unfair in itself.
Do u have an rl supports?
A child doesn't act this way if there is not something wrong.a child isn't made bad.and it sounds like he's doing it on occasions when he's out of control or can't communicate his emotions fears and pain.not just being a ywotty bad boy to hurt or disturb others.
Regarding his sibling.try to keep explaining to him too.that his bro just needs help reacting and needs a possibly different approach to how to understand and deal with things but your all going to work as a team so you can all feel safe.

Yes, l agree one good parent is enough, often better than two in an unhealthy relationship.
I second having a look on Not Fine At School website, many parents struggling with similar issues.
I ended up researching my sons issues myself, as no help forthcoming and l felt l had to be proactive. He is now homeschooled, Fortunately he was old enough for me to leave him whilst l went out to work and he's completely turned things around.
I would definately push all you can for help, leave no stone unturned, sometimes help can be found in the unlikliest of places.

'I think this school is actually doing okay. Building the boy a blanket fort was an excellent idea. A safe space where he could hide and calm himself. That's a pretty faultless and empathetic response to a highly stressed child. And they are responding quickly and in a multi agency way to get him the help he needs.

Frankly, NO mainstream school is set up to succeed with this type of child. With the best will in the world, they just can't. They don't have the facilities, the space, the staff, the funding. So those criticising then for failing your son, should have a bit of empathy for them, as well as for OP and the poor kid.'

Totally and utterly agree. Sounds like the school is doing rather well - this 'they are FAILING him' bullshit is actually bloody infuriating.

THIS ^^ with bells on

Move schools. Find a school who actually knows how to deal with your child's specific needs. A kinder school

Are you actually for real?

Try reading OPs 10:27 post. They sound like they are putting a lot of effort into this.

School are FAILING him. Start there.

Oh get off your high horse. The school sound like they are trying this. But and this might come as a surprise to you they do not have endless staff ready to help every single child all the time.

In the instance of punching a teacher in the face the FIRST action of the school will be to ensure that both child, other school pupils and teachers do not get hurt.

@saraclara Thank you so much for your wonderful posts on this thread.

OP I have no advice. It sounds like you have lots of ideas to explore and hopefully eventually get the help your ds needs. I really hope your ex stops being a twat.

Just one post from the OP showing any sympathy for a woman who has been punched in the face while doing her job would be nice.
(I have a neurodivergent dc so am definitely not unsympathetic, but think this need to work both ways).

From her OP:

"Yesterday DS2 punched several teachers including one in the face. I am horrified and ashamed"

It's not OP who is being judgmental about the school and its staff. It's random posters who have no idea how difficult it is for the teacher to look after and teach 30 children while still managing the DS's needs and keeping everyone safe

Thank you - I didn't really see that as concern for the teacher though.
But anyway, you're right it's other posters who have made this the teacher's fault.
I'm not sure I could come back to work if that happened to me.

But logically, the OP is posting on behalf of herself and her son to seek advice.... about her son. The absence of a comment about the teacher does not mean the OP is devoid of sympathy for her - this post is not about that - it's about knowing how to help her son. It is other posters who have chosen to make the teacher part of the conversation, mentioning this only serves to pile more guilt onto the OP. I guarantee she has felt enough guilt in this situation without anyone's help. I guarantee that she cares about what happens to the teachers. But just to clarify - the OP is not asking for perspectives on that she is asking for advice to help her son.

If the OPs post was specifically about the teacher then you might have a point. But it is not. She's trying to understand how to help her son.

Goodnightrain the OP has posted around a dozen times on this thread, it is my opinion that just one of these posts could have contained sympathy for the staff member.
I'm not going to post again as I don't want an argument.

(Not saying you were arguing!)

You sound like a great mum and you are trying your best to help your child. Breathe. Sometimes things reach a crunch point before they get better.

I agree with others, get an urgent appt to the GP, ask the school what do THEY intend to do to help support your child's anxiety. They have a responsibility to support him and if his anxiety is so bad, it is triggering violence, then they are failing in their role. Can you/they identify the triggers for the violence? This would be the first step. He may have been overwhelmed by demands. School places many demands on children and once they reach the ages of 7-8 these significantly ramp up, and often this is the point where children with undiagnosed needs start to crack. Push and push for referrals for ASN via GP and via school. Don't let them imply your child is just 'naughty' - children rarely start punching for no reason. This is a cry for help. Give your boy a cuddle and chat to him about school and what he finds difficult. Reassure him that you are on his side.
Once you have secured assessments and possible diagnoses then life will become easier for you and your son.

OP just a thought - we have unpaid parental leave in England, is that a thing in Scotland too? (Apologies for my ignorance). Obvs it’s unpaid but the great thing about it is you can take it for any reason. If it exists for you might it help you tread water and keep your FT hours and pay?

The staff member isn't here to express sympathy to. The OP is beside herself, and she's done nothing wrong. She's supporting the school, and its her witless ex that's putting a spanner in the works.

I'm prepared to bet a week's pension that she's expressed a load of sympathy to the teacher in person, and apologised many times over (even though it's not her fault)

I taught children like her DS in a special school, and used to dread telling parents when their child had hurt me or one of my team (which I had no choice but to do) and without exception they'd be mortified and desperately apologetic. I felt awful for them.

Sadly it often has to hit crisis for the school or GP to put a child forward for assessment. He needs a formal diagnosis so that he has an EHCP, which in turn will open the door to funding and therefor a much better educational set up for him.

OP is in Scotland so EHCPs don’t apply, it is CSPs. A diagnosis is necessary for either a CSP or EHCP.

OP I have been in a very similar situation with my dc. He is also 7. His behaviour started much earlier - when he started school. It hit crisis point last year when he threw a heavy object at his TA. Fortunately it missed, but that's not the point. He has a diagnosis now, but it has still taken from November to now to get our LA to agree to fund a specialist placement starting September. In the meantime, he has been on a reduced timetable and spent his time in school out of the classroom with 1 or even 2:1 support. I'm in England so don't have specific advice for you, other than to say start looking at alternative provision in your area so that you have an idea of what is available and can start to make a short list of places that might be suitable. And push. For diagnosis, support, for your equivalent of ehcp.

It's a long, hard road wherever you are I suspect. School sound very supportive, but as pp have said, ultimately it sounds as though this is the wrong environment for him.

I had to give up my job due to the reduced timetable. I could have refused, but this would have resulted in permanent exclusion and I still wouldn't have been able to work. Apply for any benefits you may be entitled to. In England, DLA can be applied for without diagnosis as it goes on need. I think Scotland's child disability may be similar. There is a good group on fb called DLA for children, where I have seen posts from Scottish posters too.

As I said, I can't be much help on the practical side of things, I just wanted you to know you're not alone. It sure feels lonely when you're going through it I know.

I’ve not read the full thread but I was in a very similar situation with my son at that age. It’s an awful feeling and of course you feel terrible for the teacher. My son ended up being diagnosed with asd. We didn’t apply for an ehcp initially as we were told we couldn’t without diagnosis and not knowing any better I just trusted the system at that time, it took approx 18 months to get the diagnosis and school then applied for an ehcp straight away as by that time we were really desperate and guess what we were turned down for assessment anyway, the reason being it was a new diagnosis and the la wanted to see if things improved now he had a diagnosis (without actually changing anything else how they thought things would magically improve I have no clue). We appealed to tribunal, eventually got an ehcp with 32.5hours 1-1, took school another 3 months to recruit, we were now 2 and a half years on from initial problems and things had escalated even further so wasn’t working out still. Applied for specialist school, massive fight for that thst took another year, now been in specialist for 3 years and was best thing we ever did. I’m not saying your son needs specialist yet but left unsupported things will just keep escalating and getting worse. In one way the school are at least keeping him there, my sons school would want him collecting at drop of a hat which now looking back I see it solved their immediate problem, when I eventually refused to do there was more incentive on their side to try and get solutions in place. I’m not sure of the Scottish system but my advice based on English would be as follows

1. see if there are any local parents groups for asd/adhd. Even if your child ends up not getting diagnosed with either you’ll find parents in these groups who have been through similar to you and know the local system inside out. Also a great source of support as difficult for typical parents to understand your situation.

2. you do not have to go running when a school calls. You may want to decide this on a case by case basis but knowing you don’t have to drop everything takes a lot of the pressure of. Even if a school is formally excluding there has to be some notice.

3. if school are sending home insist that’s it’s an official exclusion and that you get paperwork. This will help you in long run as evidence school not meeting needs. School may try and make it look like they are doing you a favour by not excluding so it doesn’t go on his record but it also goes on a schools record at the la so that is more likely to be the reason if they don’t want to formally exclude.

4. apply for ehcp/ statement or whatever Scottish equiv is ASAP. You may be turned down and have a long fight but you will be getting the ball rolling. If you wait two years you will prob still have a long fight but be two years further on

Good luck, I will be thinking of you.

I suppose we can't do anything without a counselor

Op is Scottish so ehcps don’t apply but even in England a diagnosis doesn’t mean you automatically get an ehcp and not having a diagnosis doesn’t mean you can’t get an ehcp.

i was advised badly by school senco back when my son first had issues, I was told that la didn’t give ehcps without a diagnosis- which is half true as they do often turn down assessment based on their being no diagnosis.

so we struggled through 18 months waiting for diagnosis, then applied straight away for ehcp as things had escalated further and we were really desperate by then. Guess what we were turned down anyway as it was a new diagnosis and la wanted to see if things magically improved now he had a diagnosis. Of course we appealed and won but that all took further time. LA’s will always find a reason to turn down funding support so its better to get the ball rolling ASAP with a request

I would also add that a diagnosis doesn’t open doors. I remember back when my son was diagnosed, it had taken so long and we’d really been struggling with school and once he was diagnosed I felt such relieve that he’d now finally get support little did I know it was the start of another big fight.

Such helpful replies again, thank you very much.

I'm going to phone GP again and ask for urgent appointment, request a neurological referral and CAHMS supplement. I'm going to see if I can talk to HT today and request we just plough on with referrals and take no notice of Ex, much in the same way I requested a CAHMS Referral through GP (after quite a few appointments), I needed no input from ex then. How can he stop referrals when he only sees DS at the weekend and has very very little communication with school.

I apologise every time something happens, I will continue to apologise to the school and I completely acknowledge that no teacher or any staff should go to work and get hurt. I have a good relationship with the school and the teachers and office staff and I'm always there when they want me. I think the PP advise about lack of paper trail is a really good point and I'm going to bring this up, not to go against the school, just so when professionals are involved they can see it.

Of course I have sympathy for the teachers that my son have hurt, I'm sure all of us would...but the reason for my post was to see how I can help and to help me feel less alone. In another selfish way, I am embarrassed as the other parents will know about DS, we are a relatively small country school, and DS has hit other children.

Summer holidays are coming up soon, I want to get at least something set up. I feel awful at the thought of summer holidays. I was student nursing up until February for 1.5 years, I had to stop as my Mother couldn't help with childcare out of hours anymore. I deferred, I would have been finished for the summer by now, I could have been around.

Anyway, just thinking out loud. Going to phone around today and try and get things in place. Thank you so much everyone. Its really awful that the common theme is having to fight for referrals/diagnosis/support

Back again with another installment of "what am I going to do now?"...I spoke to GP and CAHMS. GP said it sounds like autistic traits but there is nothing they can do to influence DSs place on CAHMS wait list. Said CAHMS handle tic disorders.

CAHMS confirmed DS is on the neuro-developmental waiting list...there are 148 children ahead of DS after already being on the list for nearly 1.5 years. There is no supplementary referral system.

DS has been back in the classroom this week but has spent alot of time outside classroom, so still not really engaging with curriculum. I was asked to come to sports day to manage DS, or keep him at home. School said they would create social story for DS, but this hasn't happened.

Picked DS up from ASC today...manager came out with a letter, told me that from Monday DS can be in ASC no later than 1 hour. They are apparently having lots of parent complaints about my DS.

So, I have no childcare, we are rural, ASC was the only childcare other than 1 childminder who is full.

This is like a dream.