DS2 (7yo) punched a teacher in the face

[OnTheGoAlways]

I don't know what to do, and I wondered if someone had been through anything like this and come out the other side.

DS has had emotional/behavioural issues since about 3, he hit nursery staff even then. He has tourettes (we have been on the CAHMS waiting list for a very long time after badgering the GP for some help, he's been ticking for 4 years), and he has anxiety.

When he's at home, 90% of the time he is lovely, funny, well mannered, thoughtful, articulate. He bickers with DS1 (11) quite alot but DS1 is very starts things off after a day of being embarrassed by DS2 behaviour at school (DS1 in final year at primary and DS2 often runs at him and his friends). My life is just spent mediating.

I have been called into the school 3 times this week. Yesterday DS2 punched several teachers including one in the face. I am horrified and ashamed.I work FT and had to leave 2 important meetings to go to school. When I arrived yesterday DS2 was under a chair blanket fort, in a dark room, with the HT and a learning assistant. The school office had phoned and said I needed to get down right away as things were really bad. For the rest of the week DS2 is being taught alone in this room, and will have different break times.

How can I solve this and make things better? Where do I start? I WFH 1 day a week and he comes home for lunch then. Things are home are calm and predictable. I feel like I'm heading for a break down.

What a supportive post to mainstream teachers! As well as this child and his needs, the teacher may have another child(ren) with complex needs, ongoing friendship issues between children, children who aren’t progressing well enough and need extra help - the list is endless! It’s a juggling act and unsustainable for the teacher, however this is what the SLT are paid to help with so continue to ask for help.

Oh OP I am sorry that sounds so shit and difficult.

I can't help with any advice, just my experience.

My Ds1 was difficult since birth. We had 3 horrendous years from 6 til 9 when he was diagnosed (ADHD and dyspraxia).

I too felt like it was a life sentence. My world turned upside down and I couldn't imagine how things would turn out.

18 months later and things are a lot easier despite no help put in place at school.

Then there's DS2. Always been easier than Ds1 but still tricky. We noticed that he had some ADHD traits but they really ramped up when he hit 7 (7-8 is a peak age of symptoms apparently).

We got him assessed (we're not in the UK, its a different system) and he too has ADHD and dyspraxia.

We are currently in a trough with him - its bloody difficult all day every day. My only light at the end of the tunnel is that when DS1 hit 10 he got easier...only 2 years left for DS2 then ...

Im fully expecting more difficult times ahead but Ive seen from Ds1 that it really does go up and down.

Best of luck and you are a brilliant mum, don't forget that. It isnt your fault and it isnt DSes fault.

Have you spoken with your employer about all this? They do have a duty of care to you, and may be able to make some temporary adjustments which will make it easier for you.
It sounds like you are doing everything you need to for your DS, but make sure you look after yourself too.
Finally, I know other posters have mentioned it already, but do look into PDA - www.pdasociety.org.uk/

@OnTheGoAlways , I was thinking potential PDA from the bit here where you said he struggles with expectation on him "It seems to be when there is any expectation upon him, it could be time or task or direction...or it could be if someone disturbs him...today for example he hit the other child several times because they poured glitter on his painting...and I can see in my mind how thay would have gone." A lot of what you've written could be my Autistic 7 year old except the explosive behaviour and hitting is mostly at home.

You might find Ross Greene's book the explosive child useful to reduce the overwhelm your DS is dealing with. There's also an FB group, The B team and the unofficial group the explosive child discussion group. The out of sync child by Carol Kanzowitz might be helpful as it sounds like sensory issues at play too.

You mentioned anxiety, I don't know if this has already been suggested but hitting out, the red mist of anger can happen when a child's overwhelmed by anxiety. Anxiety often presents as anger. If you're open to the idea it might be worth asking your GP about trialing anxiety medication to see if it helps. Reducing the anxiety he's feeling might help him cope a bit better. I'd also be looking for a new GP, one that dismisses ASD because the child makes eye contact really isn't going to help you to get your DS the support and diagnosis he needs.

My advice is to ask the GP to put in a letter, about suspected ASD and CAMHS waiting list. You may have to pay. Ask school if they can prepare a summary. You've also got the ASC letter. Use all that to apply for Child Disability for DS2.

It's not going to fix everything, but if things are precarious with your current employer it can increase any universal credits, and also lower the work requirements as a carer etc.

Put in an email to school advising what GP and CAMHS have said and ask about the social story. If the request to come in on sports day was verbal, I'd include that somewhere in the email too. Not as a criticism but purely to record it. A paper trail is really important when trying to secure support.

Also ask for a reply in writing, as you are under some work pressure atm.

This thread makes me want to cry because of people's attitudes. 'The school are failing' etc. Stop blaming the school!!!
A teacher was hit in the face. I am a teacher who will be teaching a violent child in September. I love teaching but I am scared for myself and my TAs. No one should be attacked in their job. On top of managing 29 other children!!

The gov need to step up and provide specialist provision for these children.

I've only been retired for four years, but help for these children and their parents seems to have vanished in that time. My specialist school took children like OP's from the age of five. They'd come to us straight from nursery. Now it seems that there's virtually no chance of them even getting to see anyone for a diagnosis for years, never mind being referred for a specialist place, even if they're picked up early.

I hate this govt with every fibre of my being, for what they've done to the NHS and education.

My heart goes out to you, OP. I have huge sympathy for everyone in this situation, but you have a huge burden here. I hope you're in touch with any voluntary organisations local to you who might be able to support you.

@missbunnyrabbit I haven't seen much criticism of his teachers, but as a soon to be teacher of potentially violent child, have you had any additional training? I am pretty sure this didn't happen at my DS's school, and this did look like a failing by the school (not individual teachers - the school has a responsibility to you as well). Academically, my DS is a mainstream pupil, and I don't think there is much provision for children like this. My local authority autism team are brilliant, but they won't see you until there's a diagnosis. Also they are very stretched.
It's clear that support has dwindled along with funding, in both schools and children's mental health services, over the last decade.

Could you inform CAMHS that ds is at serious risk of permanent exclusion? This may bump him up the list a little. Or might it be worth writing to your MP? We've done this at various times when struggling to get a diagnosis/ehcp/funding for specialist placement. It's shit, as many of the families waiting will be in similar desperate situations to yourself, but it can really speed up the process.

Alternatively, there is a charity called Caudwell Children which funds 80% cost of asd assessment for households earning below £45k. Might be worth looking into. I believe they aim to complete assessment/diagnosis within 3 months of accepting the referral.

As pp have said, if you haven't already, you need to speak to your employer. Try and work together to keep your job, even if that's reduced hours in the short term. Also definitely apply for the child disability payment. I really feel for you, it's extremely difficult and many parents have to give up work in these situations. It's obviously much more difficult for you as a single parent 💐

That sounds really dreadful as your job is now in question.
Is there any possibility that you could:
pursue a private diagnosis
get a special school place
get the Scottish equivalent of an EHCP

I am sorry if this doesn't help. I do not know the system in Scotland. In England I found IPSEA very helpful if you can get through. I am not sure whether they can also advise on Scotland as it seems the law might be different.

Hi, I have been reading replies. I think its a really good idea to get things in writing, and contact LA. I thought about contacting SW, and was going to yesterday, but I feel so overwhelmed, I just freeze. Instead we've been to the cinema and a big day out today. I don't want to think about it.

I private rent, and my LL told me she is selling this year. We've been here nearly 8 years and everything inside the house is mine. My Grandmother almost died and had her leg amputated. This year has been the most difficult yet. And then for all this to also reach crisis, I honestly feel like I'm drowning.

Of course my sons education is no MORE important than anyone else's, but his education is JUST AS important as everyone else's. I really feel if he had 121 support he would be great. Academically he's in 'top' group for reading.

I feel my only option just now is for DS1 (11 years old) to collect DS2 and then I leave work at 5, so they'd be alone for about 45/60 minutes (some days I get run away early and work at night too).

I can't afford to cut my hours, we're already struggling, I end up eating a lot of weetabix for dinners as it is. I don't know what other option I have. I really don't know if I should tell work. Its full of married middle class woman and being a single parent does get brought up.

I can see you have a lot on your plate, and can appreciate you feeling overwhelmed. That's why you need to ask for help. SW, school, LL, work, may all be able to do something practical to help. You can't run away from this.
I don't think it's fair to burden DS1 with after school care, however brief. It may just add to the friction between them. Do you have any local support - friends, family, etc, who could help?
Finally, I've already said that work has a duty of care to you. You need to let them know about the difficulties you are facing, both practical, and financial. And, speaking as a married, middle class woman, you may find they are more sympathetic than you are giving them credit for! They are in a position to give practical help. You won't know until you ask.

I feel my only option just now is for DS1 (11 years old) to collect DS2 and then I leave work at 5, so they'd be alone for about 45/60 minutes

I really don't think that is a realistic option, unfortunately, and I would be very very surprised if the school allowed it. Given that you say how much they bicker and that DS1 is embarrassed about DS2s behaviour in the OP, leaving them unsupervised sounds a recipe for disaster.

Hello again,

Youre right, DS1 cannot provide childcare for me, I was being irrational. I have been signed off for a couple of weeks, I'm going to tell work what is happening and see what they say. Last week I had a meeting with HT and I couldn't stop crying, then back to work, then GP for DS2 who told me she believes his tics are repetitive behaviours and linked to ASD...I Still genuinely believed he would be diagnosed with Tourettes.

DS2 is doing much better at school since I have been off, I take him in, sit with him until a member of staff collects him for a check in, then I've been picking him up before 15 minutes before end of the school day.

I have an interview next week (applied for over a month ago) for a more senior post which pays over 10k more per annum than current post and is one I had been looking out for for a while, but its FT and HT suggested FT may not be viable for us.

Glad things better, at least for now.

Re: job, tell them you can do it part time/school hours only? They can only say no and sometimes 'full time' is more of a reflex than a considered position.

How's it going @OnTheGoAlways ? Hope you're coping OK.

Hello, I'm back. I think I just need a space to write down what has been happening.

DS was excluded today, at the moment he is not allowed back to school until Friday morning (we're in Scotland so Friday is a half day)

The letter states "physical assault of teacher".

He was in his second week of being taught in a separate part of the school with a few other troubled/neuro-divergent pupils, the first week went well, but today DS 7 and another pupil who I think is 8/9 went tearing around the school, including going back to DS7 classroom and hitting his teacher.

The school then emailed parents (including me) that an incident had occurred as a "friend was not able to regulate" and "your child may need to discuss this with you tonight"

Then the class group chat started to discuss it and how "its disgusting"

I changed job so I could WFH everyday. I took DS out of after school club. I collect him at lunch twice a week.

I'm in danger of losing my job. I am so alone and shameful.

I've just had a message from a parent telling me they are escalating to the school board.

I phone CAHMS, I've phoned Social work, I've pushed for referrals to play therapy and education psychology.

I don't know what else to do.

My pp should actually say ”A diagnosis isn’t necessary for either a CSP or EHCP.” rather than is.

Have you applied for a CSP?

In the short term for your job have you asked for parental leave? Its unpaid and is only a very short term solution but it may take the very immediate pressure off slightly.

CoastalWave
THIS ^^ with bells on.
Move schools. Find a school who actually knows how to deal with your child's specific needs. A kinder school. That's what my child asked for. I found one. He's a different child now. I just wish I hadn't messed about with that school for 3+ years feeling like a failing parent.
In the meantime, make sure you take someone to meetings with you. Ideally someone from Sendilass (or similar service from your council) - basically someone to make sure you are asking the right questions and that the school are doing the right things.

Finding a new mainstream school for child who has just punched several teachers will not be an easy option. In fact it will be impossible. Blaming the school is not always the right way to go. The school is not necessarily unkind.

OP I have just read your update and a few posts about your job. I don't know the system in Scotland but I think you need to look at how to access special education for your ds. Even for children with asd, actively seeking out teachers to hit is unusual. If your child was in an environment where his behaviour could be managed, you would be able to work. This sounds awful for you.

I dodon'think the school are unkind, I don't think they have always done right by us, but I do recognise that they are under funded and under resourced. No one deserves to go into work and be hit. I am mortified.

DS1 (12) has asked to go and stay with my Mother this week as he's so upset. So he's staying there for the next 2 nights.

Of course I could have been a better Mother, I wish our circumstances were different. I don't drink or take drugs, I'm calm and attentive, I work, I have a Masters education, I take them to clubs, i read to him. For 6 years I've been asking for help, and I've been shunned and ignored.

I know this is a bit woah me.

I can see why the school has attempted the set up, but specialist settings have the right environment, experience and take into account how the pupils are likely to react to each other. It can be very difficult to manage. I can totally understand why your son made a beeline to his old classroom, and I wouldn't assume he did so with the intention of hurting anyone.

As LargeLego has said, a CSP is really the route out of this. Do keep on at the other services too.

I'm sorry to hear about DS7's exclusion. That's tough. Don't blame yourself - you're doing your best in a difficult situation. We could all be better mothers. (Especially the inconsiderate ones on your group chat.)
For my DS, exclusion (in his case, eventually permanent) was the start of a journey to a mainstream school which was better able to look after him, and cater to his needs. It also expedited his ASD diagnosis.
I would ask the school what support they have sought from the local authority. I'm not familiar with the Scottish system, but I'm sure there will be central SEN resources available. It's not enough just to exclude - they should be looking for ways to support DS7 when he returns.
Have you got anyone supporting you? If not, ”woah me" away - this is your safe space!

I just don't know what to do.

DS2 is not allowed any screens or devices and is to stay in his room. DS1 is staying at his Nanna's for the next two nights.

Social work didn't call me back yesterday, but really they can't do anything. We were refered to Home Link support and Team Around A Child, but I haven't heard anything. CAHMS don't have any clinician appointments until Monday next week.

I'm going to phone to school this morning, I just want to know more about what happened, how DS2 and the other boy were able to run around the school when they were meant to have 2 or 3 teachers or learning assistants with them. The boy DS2 was with is the boy the school were actively separating DS2 from only a few weeks ago.

I can work from home this week, but I don't even want to work, I feel horrendous.

I just Don't know what to do, I want to take action but there isn't anything I can do.

I don't know whether DS should go and live with his Dad. I've done so much, but now DS1 is getting more and more affected, my job is in trouble, I went part time so we have less money.

I'm fucking exhausted