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Parenting

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Original poster

When do you stop putting your children first?

147 replies

Pentiumgold · 12/05/2022 05:49

We live in a very expensive area and can no longer afford to. Dh hoping to retire shortly due to ill health (has had 2 major cancer episodes in past 10 year's).
My youngest dd will start 6th form this year and eldest 2 dd's are at uni.
Dh and I want to relocate to cheaper area to reduce financial stress and have better quality of life.
However youngest appears to be really traumatised by this idea, saying we are being selfish moving her away from school and friends etc and saying we are really stressing her out as she's just about to start GCSEs.
I'm really not sure what to do, is it unreasonable of us to move her??

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collieresponder88 · 12/05/2022 05:51

Show her what's going on in Ukraine that might get some perspective for her. You are the parents you make the decisions if you can no longer afford to live there then you have no choice. Unless the kids are going to pay the bills of course !

RedWingBoots · 12/05/2022 06:02

If you can't afford to live where you live then you have to move.

Also if you move now your daughter has a chance of making some new friends in 6th form that she will have for the rest of her life.

If you move after she goes to uni then she won't know anyone in the area when she comes back from uni holidays so apart from Christmas she simply won't come back as your new house won't be her home.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/05/2022 06:06

I would maybe drop the discussion for a month until her gcse are over, she may be super stressed so the idea of any major change may be overwhelming at this time

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fallfallfall · 12/05/2022 06:07

Your and your dh are the adults, you need to explain the reasons in a way she understands.

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/05/2022 06:08

If you can't afford to live there, then moving isn't putting yourselves first, it's just not putting your daughter first in the way she would like. You can't always put children's wishes first, particularly when you're talking about family finances. They can't make those decisions.

RedWingBoots · 12/05/2022 06:10

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 12/05/2022 06:06

I would maybe drop the discussion for a month until her gcse are over, she may be super stressed so the idea of any major change may be overwhelming at this time

Problem will be that the house needs to be prepared then go up for sale so they can move in time for their daughter to start 6th form.

So they will be doing stuff around her e.g. have estate agents visiting which she will freak out about even if they aren't talking to her.

Coffeeholix · 12/05/2022 06:12

If your dd is about to start sixth form it’s better to move now than find you’re in an even worse situation next year and try and move mid a-levels.

Mumwantingtogetitright · 12/05/2022 06:12

Depends how bad things are tbh. As the parent of a year 12, I wouldn't dream of moving dd if I didn't absolutely have to. I'd stick it out for a couple more years and move when she went to uni. Honestly speaking, it would be massively disruptive to dd's life to move her away from her school, her friends, her boyfriend, her PT job, her hobbies etc at this stage and I would only consider it as a very last resort as it would almost certainly have a significant impact on her mental health and on our relationship.

However, if your DH is seriously unwell and you can't both keep working, or if the current situation is likely to affect his recovery, then you may not have a choice, and she will just have to accept it. At the end of the day, I'm sure that she still wants both of her parents around for as long as possible.

The important thing to recognise is that, while it may be necessary and she'll just have to suck it up, it will quite probably feel like the end of the world to her. That might not make any difference to what you have to do, but don't dismiss the way she feels about it. Most teens would probably regard it as a tragedy of the highest order, unless they're already really unhappy and would welcome the fresh start.

manysummersago · 12/05/2022 06:15

That’s hard.

The situation in Ukraine may be harder but it doesn’t mean her situation is a barrel of laughs, does it?

warofthemonstertrucks · 12/05/2022 06:17

Could you downsize but in the same area?

Other than that as opposed have said-it is what it is-but try to keep her out of stuff with estate agents etc-have them round when she isn't in-and leave the discussion until after her exams

transformandriseup · 12/05/2022 06:19

How far are you moving? Maybe explain that in a couple of years her and her friends may be going to university and then driving so she can still keep in touch. Moving away from where you grew up is always daunting what ever the reason but I think moving half way through secondary would have been worse.

transformandriseup · 12/05/2022 06:22

Sorry I don't think that's fair, her DDs feelings of being forced to move away are valid and are completely separate to the conflict in Ukraine.

WindyKnickers · 12/05/2022 06:26

Making a positive decision as to how to best manage finances for the family is putting your children first. Staying somewhere you can't afford is not in your children's best interests. Your teenager doesn't want to move away from their friends, which is ununderstable. You just need to navigate this with them and help it be less of a blow. Will you be moving to the other end if the country or will there still be scope for them to see their friends once they learn to drive?

Catshaveiteasy · 12/05/2022 06:28

Do you need to move a long way to find something less expensive? I live in London so a few miles would make a massive difference but still mean my child could get to her college.

If it's a complete change of area, I can understand your child's feelings. Can it wait a couple of years? OTOH if it has to happen, moving before they start 6th form is a good idea.

Unless you sell, then rent for a couple of years, then re-buy something much cheaper (assuming you own your place).

GetThatHelmetOn · 12/05/2022 06:36

It depends really, I would have done my utmost not to move my child BUT if I absolutely couldn’t afford to live life as we were used to, he would have needed to suck it up.

It is something that we parents often forget, learning to deal with change as part of facing difficulties are very formative experiences and an important part of a child’s education.

OverByYer · 12/05/2022 06:38

How far do you need to move? Could she go to sixth form where you are and travel?

FrecklesMalone · 12/05/2022 06:43

If I could suck it up for 2 years I would. Telling her now was not a great move wait a few weeks for exams to end.

User56785 · 12/05/2022 06:46

collieresponder88 · 12/05/2022 05:51

That's ridiculous. If your child was killed on the way to school this morning would you just say 'oh well, at least all my family weren't killed'

If you were raped would you say 'could have been worse, I wasn't gang raped'.

Crazykefir · 12/05/2022 06:49

How soon do you need to move. Can you wait till after 6th form?

speakout · 12/05/2022 06:50

I wouldn't move at this stage.
This was a crucial time in my kid's education.
Unless you are in a dire situation I would hold off another year.

savoycabbage · 12/05/2022 06:53

speakout · 12/05/2022 06:50

I wouldn't move at this stage.
This was a crucial time in my kid's education.
Unless you are in a dire situation I would hold off another year.

And move when she's doing her A levels?

Original poster

Pentiumgold · 12/05/2022 06:53

Thanks for all your replies, we have actually already got a buyer and our sale is near completion which she obviously knows about.
Original plan was to downsize locally but there is literally nothing, we are making offers up to 10k over asking price but getting beaten by people moving from London who can easily offer up to 35k no problem. We live in Dorset.

OP posts:

Haus1234 · 12/05/2022 06:54

Can you wait 2 years and then move or is that not viable? If it’s not then it’s not, but I’d it is then that is the better option for your DD and she is still a child really.

Ylvamoon · 12/05/2022 06:58

It's a difficult one.

If you are ok financially for the next 2 years (as in survival) I would stay put and let her do 6th Form at her current school.

However if it isn't viable, then you really haven't got a choice.

In this case I'd sit her down with the simple facts and explain how the move will keep her the little things she has like her phone, certain foods, pocket money.

It's also not uncommon for teens to move to different 6th form... but that might not be necessary depending on where you move to.

BishyBarnyBee · 12/05/2022 06:59

If you have to, you have to. In general, I'd say it's a crucial period in her life and you should probably put her first for another two years. She will probably find it hard to put down roots in that time and it will have a massive impact on her life. 2 years is not long in an adult's life but is eternity to a teen. If you can muddle through another two years and retire then, it would be much better for her.

The fact you're asking implies you have a choice. And if you have a choice, I think she's too young for you to put your needs first. If you have no choice, she will survive and it may be perfectly fine. But there is a risk it may screw up her A levels and affect your relationship with her.

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