When do you stop putting your children first?

[Pentiumgold]

We live in a very expensive area and can no longer afford to. Dh hoping to retire shortly due to ill health (has had 2 major cancer episodes in past 10 year's).
My youngest dd will start 6th form this year and eldest 2 dd's are at uni.
Dh and I want to relocate to cheaper area to reduce financial stress and have better quality of life.
However youngest appears to be really traumatised by this idea, saying we are being selfish moving her away from school and friends etc and saying we are really stressing her out as she's just about to start GCSEs.
I'm really not sure what to do, is it unreasonable of us to move her??

You never stop putting your children first.

I think it would be best if you could wait until she's 18 but if you can't, after gcses is good. You have a very small window now though to sort something before sept.

Choosing to move school for sixth form is totally different to having no choice
having to move school because your parents are bankrupt and there is literally no other option is totally different to it being a choice. Deep down kids know the difference

We moved, not because of financial reasons though. It was driven by my daughter so she was obviously on board with the decision, and it was timed so we completed a week after her last GCSE.
However, she almost had a break down with stress about over it all. So please do not mitigate your daughters feelings. Despite her old school friends making an effort, she has consciously decided to leave them behind and not maintain any ongoing relationship.
She is happy now with the move, but it was a HUGE deal staring s new place for sixth form, where the vast majority of girls have been together for years.
If you must move then you must, but hopefully the actual move will be after her exams! And surely applications for sixth forms have closed? What plans do you have for her schooling next year? If she knew where she was going that would hall a lot.

My parents moved while I was doing my GCSEs it was awful and really stressful although I stayed at the same school I did find it really tough.

If there was any way on earth I could avoid it, I would not make any major moves until my youngest child had finished school. GCSEs and A Levels are stressful enough for them, without having to make new friends and join social groups which have probably endured through secondary school, not to mention losing the support of their own long-standing friendship group. If there’s no other way, then fair enough, but I would always tend to put my dc first if I could, especially while they’re still at home.

Plus you have quite a narrow window ahead for applying to a different 6th form, not everywhere is the same either. You will already be too late for some colleges with an intake for this coming September.
You have missed all open days..

Totally agree. This idea that taking your child's feelings into account is somehow spoiling them and denying them the opportunity to develop "resilience".

Kids don't develop resilience from being told to pull themselves together and suck up whatever it is that is upsetting them. They develop resilience from feeling secure and loved, and confident that their feelings matter.

It is astonishing to me that so many parents on this board think that the child should have no input into this decision whatsoever, despite the massive impact that it will have on their lives. Yes, of course, it is ultimately the parents' decision and it's different if there is genuinely no choice, but that doesn't seem to be the case here as the OP is asking about whose needs should come first.

It is really no wonder that so many teens have such awful relationships with their parents.

Well said @Mumwantingtogetitright.

True but not so for 6th form schools where additional funding is given for every extra child.

Buy if you read my posts I make it clear we will not move during her exams!!! They start on Tuesday so that is not actually possible

This is not so much not putting your children first and not actually factoring in her at all and/or operating on blind hope.

Sixth forms have deadlines at the end of May - has she got a place right now somewhere? And do you actually have a plan beyond it will be fine they get extra funding so they have to accept her (which isnt necessarily true).

Of course you dont have to centred your decisions around her - you do need to properly consider her needs and her future and how this impacts her.

Have you actually properly done your homework and worked out how moving will work with her future?

True but not so for 6th form schools where additional funding is given for every extra child.

But there reaches a point where they can't physically accept any more pupils. DD's school 6th form was quite small for a 6th form, and it was oversubscribed. They simply couldn't accept everyone who wanted to go there.

Has your DD got a place at a 6th form in the area you want to move to?

How can you be sure that you will actually move between GCSEs and the start of 6th form?

Hang on, so you haven’t actually got a school place for her to move to?

Every school gets funding for each extra child. It doesn’t mean they can fit them all in. No wonder she’s upset. You’ve no plan for a hugely important two years in her life.

@Pentiumgold

When are you actually moving?
It will be within a month of your DDs exams (finish rather than start?).
Yes I think that's incredibly selfish.
It's just my opinion so you don't have to take any heed of it.
But yes I do think this decision will have an impact on your DDs perception and relationship with her parents - particularly if she does not like her new school/college and fails to find her feet and new friends there.
It's very 70's/80's style parenting - not sure if that's a good thing speaking as a child of the 80's!

That is if she has a place in college to go to - given that you havent found anywhere exactly how are you assuming this is going to happen. And if it does that she will get the courses that she wants

And have you explained the reasoning behind this - and why it has to be now rather than in 2 years time

This seems badly thought out and unorganised and hasnt at all taken into account the timing for your DD.

Yes it does seem unreasonable and selfish to do all of this without proper planning and explanation and any thought as to exactly how this is going to work for you. Your plans seem to revolve just around you and your DH rather than taking her into account.

You have a small window of 2-3 months to move and you dont seem to have an idea as to where. Why have you allowed your sale to move to near completion without any of this in place

It comes down to whether you can get an equivalent sixth form place in the new area. The moving away from friends isn't ideal for teenagers but a lot do drift from their friends when they go to uni anyway.

If this move does disrupt her studies I think that could cause long term resentment. Have you researched what options there are in this area? I don't know how it works with compulsory education to 18, would she have to take whatever place was available even if it's not the right sort of study?

Well the situation is far from ideal from your DD's POV, but I don't see that you have a choice OP. Your DH is going to have to retire due to ill health and you cannot afford to continue living where you do when this happens. It's tough for all of you - I doubt you and your DH particularly want to leave your home either, but it's just one of those shit things that can happen in life and it's not like your DD is going to be homeless. If you're planning on moving this summer so she can start a new school in Sept where she can do her A levels, then I think you're doing the best you can

I'd do everything on my power not to move until after 6th form.

@RampantIvy If you read the OP's posts their child is currently doing GCSEs. The OP's child will start A levels in September and the move will be timed for then.

Plenty of house sellers with children don't actually move until end of June or until July because of the academic year.

Btw I know adults who were army kids. They were sent to boarding school to avoid having to move around. (I actually know people due to a variety of different circumstances who were sent to boarding school.)

I think you put them first until they're 18. That's what you signed up to. The fact that your daughter has nowhere to go to do her a levels is really crap

@RedWingBoots I have read, and perfectly understood the OP. Having bought and sold several houses I know that house moves often don't go to plan, and the OP doesn't seem to have a plan B. Starting in a new 6th form is absolutely fine. After all, many schools don't have a 6th form so all the students who want to continue studying go to 6th form college.

I get the impression that the OK hasn't thought this far a head and assumed that her daughter can get in anywhere they move to, and has not made any applications.

IMO a 6th form college would be a better option than a school 6th form because everyone will be new and there will be lots of opportunities to make new friends. Joining a school 6th form can be tricky because friendship groups are already established. Sadly, a number of students who joined DD's 6th form left shortly after because it was very cliquey.

But disingenuous fhere op, you made the decision and acted in her exam year causing her stress and upset.

I agree with your principle but I don’t think the cut off is. 18. I would like to think I personally would never do something for me that is detrimental and would have a negative, and potentially for life , impact on my child. In any situation her welfare is always going to be a key consideration on the decisions we take as a family.

I also feel awful for this girl. To face this upheaval in her exam year could cause her to not perform as well, impacting everything from here, a level, uni, career, and she’s got so much uncertainty now

as the poem said, nothing fucks you up like your mum and dad.