When do you stop putting your children first?

[Pentiumgold]

We live in a very expensive area and can no longer afford to. Dh hoping to retire shortly due to ill health (has had 2 major cancer episodes in past 10 year's).
My youngest dd will start 6th form this year and eldest 2 dd's are at uni.
Dh and I want to relocate to cheaper area to reduce financial stress and have better quality of life.
However youngest appears to be really traumatised by this idea, saying we are being selfish moving her away from school and friends etc and saying we are really stressing her out as she's just about to start GCSEs.
I'm really not sure what to do, is it unreasonable of us to move her??

I have family who were in your situation.

They purchased elsewhere so they didn't lose on the housing market and rented it out, then rented a two bed small let for a few years close to where the original school was. They had to move let twice for various reasons but the child's education was unaffected.

Could this be an option? She won't get to live in her original family home but it's a close second. She'd still have the stability of a familiar school and her friends around her.

She needs to toughen up, life isn't always going to be this cushy for her unfortunately. Letting her dictate is not doing her any favours in the long term. Focus on building up her resilience towards the move and the new place. My parents moved us kids all abroad pretty much out of the blue because they were 'fed up' with the uk. There was never a real good reason for it when I look back on it now. It was utterly selfish but we all survived and lived well! I forgave them. Plus you have a good reason, your H's health!

Perfectly put.

Do you also tell people with depression and anxiety to pull themselves together @cigarettesNalcohol?

Have you actually experienced the anxiety a teenager feels during GCSEs, with a house move in the offing? You seem to have had an empathy bypass.

speakout
I wouldn't move at this stage.
This was a crucial time in my kid's education.
Unless you are in a dire situation I would hold off another year”

this^. We had to move and it messed our eldest up for some time. If you can, please wait.

as for A levels, lots of children move to Sixth Form college then anyway so far less impact.

Never. Why you are asking now when you are so far down the line with having a buyer etc.?
of course she’s right that you don’t do anything major during the exams, it’s not fair on her. Of course you don’t stop living during their exams just trying to make teen’s life less stressful and things still can happened. We don’t know how desperate you are to move, maybe it’s a real life threatening situation with serious health issues and lots of debts (hope not)
My Gran (Dad’s Mum) died when I was about to start A level exams, My Dad went to the funeral on his own, Mum stayed at home with me. It wasn’t ideal but there was some travel involved so they decided it’s better that way.

Truthfully, I think that is a horrible age to move, and I would have held on for another two years if there was any choice in the matter. However if you couldn't afford to stay then it's not a choice or a question of putting your child first, it's just something you had to do.

She doesn't have to feel good about it, or pretend that she does, but she is old enough to understand "We do not have enough money to stay here for another two years."

Your Daughter will survive. Children of the Armed Forces personnel do it all the time. Let her sit he exams then put the house up for sale. Remind her that Father isn't in the best of health and the whole world does not revolve around her.

I would say it's a pretty unusual decision to relocate/move during your DD exam year - particularly within a month of her exams.

I'm pretty sure you could have made it work for her and I would feel resentful towards parents who did that to me.

I think that the big focus has to be on nailing where you are moving to, and lining up her education. It is tricky but realistically you need to be at the point of finding a house now if it's likely to get done this summer. We put our house on the market 1st May to move for September. 4 in chain, we moved 17th August with a lot of pressure from us and the ones below us to move for that date. I would assume that you need to sort out 6th form as well in the next few weeks.
Accept that it is hard on her because it us. Like you, we had gaps in ages and just had to pick the best time, also balancing our needs as well.

But it will still be hard on her. I think you underestimate just how tough being ripped away from everything you know at 16 is. The armed forces analogy is as helpful as the war in Ukraine TBH.

They absolutely cannot move after A level courses have started because each post 16 provider will use a different exam board and/or approach the syllabus in a different order. I believe that at this age a lot of DC of armed forces parents go to boarding school.

Unless you are seriously struggling to pay the bills, I would have stayed for another 18 months/two years to see her through school and into university.
It is very unfair to move mid GCSEs op.
Worse still during A levels.

In your position, I would pull out of the move and focus on her revision. So much rides on this for her. I can't imagine losing my friends at this point either, you are being very unreasonable unless things are so bad you can not afford your bills.

You question when do you stop putting children first. I am thinking around 21-25 year bracket when they enter actual adulthood and can support themselves. Young people are still developing up until that point, and sometimes need a lot of parental support. I still expect to be there for my children throughout their lives.

She needs to toughen up, life isn't always going to be this cushy for her

I can't stand this attitude towards children and teens. The school of hard knocks and parenting to match just so she doesn't feel too comfortable or secure or love at any point. Why give her a happy secure childhood when you can bash in some 'resilience training'? It is such a damaging way to raise children.

Rampantivy They absolutely can move, more than one child has had to do it and managed. Has for it being hard on her, how hard do you think it is on her poor Father ? Or doesn't the rest of the family count ? She will so know how bloody hard life can be if the house is repossessed or there is no food or electricity in the house because her parents have no money. Life is not fair and cannot revolve around a selfish teen.

They absolutely can move,

But not in the middle of A levels. It's such a bad idea for the reasons I have already pointed out.

I agree with you @Swayingpalmtrees. I don't subscribe to the school of hard knocks parenting style that the parents lacking in empathy on here have, not do I wrap my perfectly capable, independent university student DD up in cotton wool.

She did well at GCSEs and A levels because of stability at home and school.

Interestingly, everyone I know who moved around a lot and went to a lot of schools really resented the constant moves and struggled to make and keep friends at school.

Having re-read your post It’s unclear whether you mean she’s about to start gcse exams or the gcse course (ie in year 9 currently). I think that makes quite a difference. If you’re nearing completion and GCSEs don’t finish until end of June you would be moving during her exams? And you must have a plan about where you’re going to if you’re at that stage? Is there a school lined up?

It is clear. She says her youngest is about to start sixth form this year.

@YellowDots yes I see now thanks. I read it correctly the first time but then doubted that anyone would plan to physically complete on a house and move during the exam period! Honestly poor kid it’s not selfish to be upset. If someone came on and said their partner wanted to physically move house whilst they were taking major exams against their wishes I don’t think they’d be called selfish.
Generally, I think children should come first until
they’re 18 and are functioning as adults in the next stage of their life. Yes they may well still need support but generally ok to start making decisions based on your own future then. Seeing them through childhood is kind of what you sign up for

I can see both sides of the argument. To be honest if she is settled in her current school and it's a good one, I would probably have tried to stay where you are for another 2 years unless it was completely unavoidable, but she will almost certainly cope ok. It isn't a great time for a teenager to be moving, and the upheaval of a move so close to the exams isn't ideal, but if you can't afford to stay, you can't afford to stay, and there are many factors to consider.
My parents moved at the same stage of my life, but it was specifically to get me into a better 6th form and even though I was all in favourof the move it was quite hard initially as my new school had studied different boards to my old one and of course friendship groups were already established. But after the first couple of months it was like I had always been there.
It is not that unusual to change schools for sixth form these days and there will probably be other new starters at the new school so it probably won't be as traumatic as she imagines.
I presume you have a new school in mind? All the 6th form offers in our area have already been made, though there will no doubt be some movement after GCSE results. I imagine there will be some kind of induction days once the GCSEs finishes so hopefully she'll meet some new friends then and maybe be able to meet up with them over the summer. If she does any sports or hobbies it might be worth trying to get her to join a club as soon as you move so that she has friends in the area before school restarts and doesn't feel completely isolated over the break.
It's obviously a difficult situation for you and I am sure you have very good reasons for moving at this specific time, but it will also be traumatic for your DD who has already had to deal with her father's illness at what is a difficult age, plus the additional stress and uncertainties that Covid has brought to this cohort of students. I think some of the comments on this thread have been rather harsh as your DD's concerns aren't unreasonable and she is still very young.She may be nearly an adult (and probably thinks she already is!)but most of us are far from mature at 15/16 and she's got a lot to cope with at present by the sounds of things.
It sounds like the move is a done deal so the best thing now is probably to focus on supporting her through the exams and figuring out how to make the transition into the new area and school as smooth as possible.

She's not moving around a lot.

She is moving at the end of GCSEs so she does A levels in a new area.

Plenty of people I know including myself plus people I'm still friends with moved during that period and/or simply ended up in a different 6th form to all their school friends.

I actually know people who were forced to change from private to state school due to their parents business going under during a recession. That was worse for them as they moved homes and lost the lifestyle they grew up with.

That was in response to the post about army children moving around a lot @RedWingBoots.

Loads of young people go to a different provider for 6th form, and going to a 6th form college provides excellent opportunities to make new friends. My point was that moving a 16 year old completely away from everything she knows at a crucial time in her education is going to be difficult. It has to be done before A level courses start or after A level exams, not during.

I suspect that posters who think it is feasible don't have DC at this stage in life. Post 16 education doesn't follow the same syllabus at the same time, so transferring half way through year 12 won't work.

Awful timing…

Key question -how far away are you moving? Is commuting to her existing 6th form college possible?

She is doing GCSEs, from the OP, so would only be starting 6th form in Sept. Perfectly normal and common to move from educational establishment to another at that juncture. As long as you are not moving house in the middle of her actually writing her GCSE exams, this is not a big deal education-wise.

It's not about putting your children first or not. If the family needs to move they need to move. You are not taking her out of education or to some awful place. As I have said upthread, my DSDs both moved from one country to another at 12, into a totally different educational system, never mind a different school. They had never studied some of the subjects in their lives. British history was entirely foreign to them, as was a lot of British culture. They survived, made new friends, got used to living in a new country, thrived, got excellent GCSE results and went on to university. I don't feel that we were ever "not putting them first".

Can you hang on for 2 years? I would do that if you can.

if you can’t, well then you can’t. But I think it’s pretty tough on your youngest if you choose to do it before she finishes school and there’s an actual choice being made.

I know things are never that simple though