When do you stop putting your children first?

[Pentiumgold]

We live in a very expensive area and can no longer afford to. Dh hoping to retire shortly due to ill health (has had 2 major cancer episodes in past 10 year's).
My youngest dd will start 6th form this year and eldest 2 dd's are at uni.
Dh and I want to relocate to cheaper area to reduce financial stress and have better quality of life.
However youngest appears to be really traumatised by this idea, saying we are being selfish moving her away from school and friends etc and saying we are really stressing her out as she's just about to start GCSEs.
I'm really not sure what to do, is it unreasonable of us to move her??

I think the first post really misrepresents the situation. Have you really pretty much sold the house without even looking at where she might go to school? All of this sounds completely back to front. Have you found a house to move to?

It's nothing to do with whether you should put her first- it sounds as if you haven't given her any consideration at all. What a mess. I'm not surprised she's upset.

Of course it’s unreasonable to move your school age child at this stage!

You start and put yourself equal when your kids are out of school/uni and established enough in their lives that you can do so. And yes, I do have adult kids.

But many many children move from a school to a 6th form college "at this stage". Mine certainly did. It is not exactly an uncommon scenario, not all schools have a 6th form.

I think the uncommon scenario is selling your house and telling your daughter she's moving schools without her having a new school to go to.

I know, but the point is that it is a done deal without taking the DD into consideration, and there have been no applications to anywhere for post 16 education, so the DD has no idea where she will be in September. There doesn't seem to have been any forward planning.

@Pentiumgold have you actually got somewhere to move to?

Absolutely. There is a world of difference between moving for 6th form because your school doesn't have one, or because you prefer somewhere else, and this situation which now sounds completely unmanaged.
GCSE written papers start next week and it sounds like this poor girl is going into her exams with no idea where she is going to be living in a few months or where she will be going to school. On top of all the normal stresses of this age, Covid, and her father's illness she probably feels she has no control over anything that is about to happen, which is a terrible position to put her in.
The OP seems to be studiously ignoring the question about whether another school has been found and her comment about 6th forms getting funding for every pupil seems to imply that she thinks she can just rock up at any school she likes the look of for 6th form. I don't know whether the funding thing is correct, but I do know that certainly where I live, 6th forms take finite numbers of pupils and the good ones are heavily oversubscribed, have already held interviews and made offers.
I was sympathetic to the OP at first, but not so much now. Having to move at a suboptimal time for your child's schooling is one thing if you discuss it properly with them and work put how best to minimise the disruption, but putting a child (and she is still a child) into this kind of uncertain situation right before the most important exams of her life so far is, in my opinion, something that should only happen in some kind of completely unexpected crisis.
Not putting your teenager "first" all the time is probably wise, but this sounds more like not considering them at all. I'd be angry and upset if I was the girl too and I hope it doesn't impact too much on her exam results.
I hope we've all misunderstood and that a new school has actually been planned.

It sounds like the OP thinks it's going to be a simple case of starting the DD at a sixth form in the new area. I mean I hope for this 16 year olds sake it is all sorted easily but it doesn't sound like much research or even thought has gone into this part of moving.

It has, lots of research

Yes got houses to view this weekend and dd now appreciates this

Buying a house takes 3 months at best if everything goes well. If you’re renting it could be quicker but you really haven’t given your DD much thought have you.

Deep breathe, read my original post, all I do is have the worry about balancing husband's ill health with her well being

So if you are viewing houses you have nowhere to move to. I think it’s a very bad time for a child to move, especially if she doesn’t even know where she’s going.

You can't move a young person to another 6th form once they have started A levels. Every post 16 provider does the syllabus differently and often they use different exam boards. If you can't move until December, for example, what will happen then?

I have been in that situation twice as a child, and twice as a teen. We were fine, it also made us more adaptable.

In families, you need to put the needs of the group first, not just the kids. I would even go as far as saying that the welfare of the adults is more important as they keep the boat afloat and the children safe.

The OP’s partner has had two big health issues recently, there is a need to move to keep the financial welfare of the family safe, that takes precedence over what the child wants.

Not every teenager is as emotionally resilient as you @GetThatHelmetOn. The "it happened to me and I was fine" anecdotes are personal and don't apply to everyone else.

It appears that this move has been sprung on the OP's daughter and very little thought has been given to where she will continue her education. This happened to a friend of mine at school when her parents moved away. Luckily she stated with an aunt until she completed her A levels.

Given that the OP has had two DC go through the further education system I'm surprised that she doesn't seem to understand how it works.

@RampantIvy I believe my siblings and I are resilient just because my parents choose not to cripple us with excessive protection. They were not selfish decisions and our life, both as a family and individuals, was much better for that, despite the challenges we all faced at the beginning.

Resilience is not something you are born with, it comes with facing challenges and surviving them. I am sure that if my parents had chosen to shield us from everything and over protect us, we would not have grown up to be emotionally resilient at all.

There is a middle way @GetThatHelmetOn. Considering your DC when planning a house move is absolutely not the same as "crippling them with excessive protection". That is a rather ridiculous and melodramatic statement IMO.

There are hundreds of threads on mumsnet from women who suffer from social anxiety and lack of mental resilience. Are you suggesting that their parents were over protective and crippled them with excessive protection as well?

Or perhaps you might consider that there are outside agencies beyond their control that might have caused this - abuse, trauma, bullying etc. This happens to children as well as adults.

And are you suggesting that anyone who isn't blessed with mental resilience is thrown to the wolves @GetThatHelmetOn?

The OP’s partner has had two big health issues recently, there is a need to move to keep the financial welfare of the family safe, that takes precedence over what the child wants.

This.

Thank you @grapevines, that is exactly the point I was trying to make.

@rampantivy, what a silly interpretation of my post… probably not to the wolves to start with but start by buying them a dog.

Is that what the OP actually says though. She just says that her DH has had battles with cancer over the last 10 years and was hoping to retire soon. She also suggests that actually the original plan was to downsize in the area.

Plus the majority of posters are pointing out that the issue isnt that they are doing it is that there is no plan - just a we will move and a 6th form place will magically appear.

@GetThatHelmetOn I imagine though that every time you moved your education was thought off and a place was found each time. And I agree you shouldnt shield your children but involving them in the decision making process would help

Thank you @Quartz2208. You have articulated that better than I did.