When do you stop putting your children first?

[Pentiumgold]

We live in a very expensive area and can no longer afford to. Dh hoping to retire shortly due to ill health (has had 2 major cancer episodes in past 10 year's).
My youngest dd will start 6th form this year and eldest 2 dd's are at uni.
Dh and I want to relocate to cheaper area to reduce financial stress and have better quality of life.
However youngest appears to be really traumatised by this idea, saying we are being selfish moving her away from school and friends etc and saying we are really stressing her out as she's just about to start GCSEs.
I'm really not sure what to do, is it unreasonable of us to move her??

The family is a unit, not a cluster of individuals who trade off their separate interests. Therefore I would argue that by prioritising the health and financial stability of the family you are putting the children first.

If you are certain this has to happen now, I think you simply have to say that whilst you understand that your DD is frustrated about the need for this move, it is needed because your long term stability is important for everyone.

You could sell up and buy a house in a cheaper area, rent that out and then rent somewhere smaller in the more expensive area until she leaves for uni maybe?
It's a difficult one
How far are you thinking of moving? Would she have to change schools? If she can stay at that school then I can't see why she's traumatised

It's a bit late to be asking then, isn't it? You've made your mind up and anyone saying you should put her needs first is just going to make you feel worse about something you're going to do anyway. Or were you hoping everyone would say it's fine?

it will have a massive impact on her life I find this a bit over the top.

It depends whether the old area is visitable (is that a word?) or not from the new house.

Can you rent somewhere small while she finishes 6th form?

Move. My parents did. I didn't like it at the time but it was incredibly beneficial to me - it made me grow up and be a bit more independent. Good grounding for uni and onwards.

I'd try to find a local rental as a compromise and then buy in a different area but rent the new house out until you are ready to move.

Her GCSEs will be over in what - six weeks? You can do the pre work and then bring it back up when she's through that.

How far away are you moving?

If she's a typical teenager then the world revolves around her and her wishes so now would be a good time for her to see the situation from her parents' perspective. Having said that, timing is crucial and I'd try really hard to keep her from having a wobble until after her exams. Would you be able to shield her from the day-to-day practicalities of planning to uproot her while getting her to accept that it's a given? Research 6th form colleges in the new area and find something you think ticks a lot of boxes, look into public transport to see if she can be more independent and stay in touch with existing friendship groups, promise endless sleepovers and a non-stop taxi service so she knows her feelings are being considered. If you've decided there's no way you can defer the move then start the process now.

Please make sure you either move straight after GCSEs and before A levels or after A levels. You simply cannot move your youngest mid A level course.

Is the option to rent to remain in the area until she leaves school a possibility? I totally understand how upset she is. And making comparisons to what is happening in Ukraine is not fair and irrelevant.

Never

Show her what's going on in Ukraine that might get some perspective for her

Maybe I'm odd, but my aspirations for my DC were a bit higher than "better off than in the middle of a war zone full of rapists". I wanted them to be happy.

Do you apply the same principles to yourself? "Broken your leg in 6 places? Be grateful it wasn't amputated. Lost a child? What are you worrying about? Women in low income countries often lose several children."

There is always someone in the world worse off than you: that doesn't mean that the DD's feelings are not valid.

At 16, her friends are her world, OP. Most 16 year olds would be absolutely devastated to have to move at this age - it's just when you're on the cusp of one of the loveliest phases of life - exploring young adulthood with your friends. I would be very, very reluctant to move her at this age. OTOH, it's also not fair on your DH to put his health at risk. Can't you downsize to somewhere cheaper for 2 years, then move? You sound as if you're a bit over the whole parenting thing, but that's not fair on your DD - it's not her fault that she's the youngest of three.

Moving right in the middle of her GCSE's obviously isn't great, and will likely have an impact on her results. You have made up your mind already and of course you have good reason for wanting to move but I wouldn't be dismissing your daughters concerns either. Moving is one of the biggest stressors in life. Obviously if you genuinley cannot afford to live there and there is nowhere else in the area then you have no choice, but I do also sympathise with your daughter in this situation.

And yes, there are worse things going on in the world but honestly if you broke your leg would you expect the doctor to tell you to stop whinging because the patient next door has had theirs amputated?

I agree that the family is a unit and not a cluster of individuals, and that the health and wellbeing of each family member is important for the happiness of the family as a whole.

However, that includes the health and wellbeing of the kids. I believe in the saying that, as a parent, you are only ever as happy as your unhappiest child. And if your dc's mental health really suffers as a result of the move, that will impact on everyone.

Friends are at the centre of most teenagers' lives at that age. They are everything, and the idea of being moved away is inevitably going to be very challenging. That's not to say that they won't cope if there is no other option. The vast majority will adapt if they have to, and while they may hate it, it won't do them any harm to get used to the idea that change is a part of life. However, there will be a significant minority who really struggle and don't adapt, and you can't always tell who they are.

My dd is pretty confident and resilient, and she adapts well to change. I think she would be fine if we moved away... she makes friends easily etc. However, I know that she would be utterly devastated now if we moved her away from the friends and life that she loves. She would accept it if there was no choice for financial/health reasons, of course - she is old enough to understand. But it would be immensely distressing for her nonetheless, and I certainly wouldn't ever take that decision lightly.

How far are you moving? Is it a town away or a county away?
Does she know anyone or anything about the new area?
Can she visit her old area easily?
Have you discussed which school or college she might attend?
How far along are your plans?

We moved when our youngest (of four) finished GCSE’s exactly like you plan to but for different reasons. We knew where we were going so could get a sixth form place etc lined up. It was fine. We moved in June after his exams had finished to a place a bit over an hour away. He went back a few times to stay with friends over the summer and they visited us too but once he started sixth form he soon made new friends and that pretty much fizzled out as people were busy. A couple of years and he was off to uni in London, one of the friends he made in sixth form is living in the same street as him now and he is still in touch with old friends from where we used to live.
It’s the time before they swept up with life at their new sixth form that is tricky. If you can facilitate visits it does help. It sounds like you need to move so the decision is really already made. All you can do is be as positive as you can and ease the transition as much as possible.

So you have told her, right before her GCSEs, that a move is possible, but you haven't told her that it's definite? That's the worst of all worlds - you have upset her when she's already stressed, but she will also feel betrayed when she realises the move was already a done deal.

I hope for all your sakes that she settles into the new school well, because I doubt your relationship will ever recover if it doesn't.

Not a hugely fair thing to have told her before her exams. If it’s necessary it’s necessary but you could have waited a few weeks.

If you’re near completion are you actually going to be moving during her exams!?

God l would have hated that as a teen - think it is an awful time to move it and comparing it Ukraine is ridiculous. It's like saying l've got a headache and someone else saying well someone you don't know has got a brain tumour so stop moaning.
Her feelings are very valid.
No way you can just downsize op?

I would just tell her it’s happening, she’ll get over it. Everything is a massive drama to a teenager. Upsetting her temporarily cannot be made a priority over your finances.

Wish l had read this before commenting- my thoughts exactly.

I suspect the posters in the "she will just have to suck it up" camp probably haven't been in this situation. I appreciate that this is a difficult situation, but riding roughshod over your daughter's concerns is pretty heartless and could be quite damaging.

15/16 is a funny age, I guess she can’t see that in a couple years she will be off to uni or looking for work, she won’t be as dependant on you and will be moving away from friends anyway. I think moving now is the right thing to do, she can start a new 6 form, make new friends, all good practice for when she goes to uni?

My dd’s are just finishing GCSE and A levels and I have thought about moving, luckily both my DD’s are moving on next year, one going to uni and the other going to college so it’s probably the perfect time to move.

Everything is a massive drama to a teenager

So you would be fine with someone telling you that you have to leave your home, friends and workplace, and have no say in the matter?