When do you stop putting your children first?

[Pentiumgold]

We live in a very expensive area and can no longer afford to. Dh hoping to retire shortly due to ill health (has had 2 major cancer episodes in past 10 year's).
My youngest dd will start 6th form this year and eldest 2 dd's are at uni.
Dh and I want to relocate to cheaper area to reduce financial stress and have better quality of life.
However youngest appears to be really traumatised by this idea, saying we are being selfish moving her away from school and friends etc and saying we are really stressing her out as she's just about to start GCSEs.
I'm really not sure what to do, is it unreasonable of us to move her??

It would be best to stay where you are until A levels are over.
But if you can’t, you can’t. It’s a lesson in life for her.

Your sale is near completion but it sounds as though you don't have anywhere to move to or a plan about what you are going to do. Very risky, no wonder she is stressed.

Surely part of your problem is that you are going to have to move near a school/college so are restricting where you can move? Seems absolutely mad to me. Realistically you've got 2 years from now, is it impossible for you to stay put for that time? Do you work? Could you get a job to ease the financial stress? Alternatively I would try and rent where you are.

I would not move when my kids are that age and settled with friends/school unless I absolutely had to

i would not do it, but then I read responses like : “Show her a war is going on in Ukraine” and other harsh responses (so if a war is happening in the world, teens can’t be worried about anything?! 😮) and I think I live on a different planet

to me kids come first always

but if money/health dictates a move, you have to move

you could not wait 2 years?

We still put our DS’ first. They are 20 & 19! We made a very big move last year, relocation 3+hrs away from where we lived before and a huge downsize. DS1 was very much against moving. 15mths on he is settled, happy and had found a lovely girlfriend. We are all really pleased we moved, it was something we wanted to do for a long time, but we did wait till our eldest had left college. Your DD will cope, it’s the unknown which is hard to handle, I know DS1 has always struggled with change.

Good luck

You say she is doing her GCSEs now, which means she would do AS year either at 6th form at her school from Sept. Many kids change school or leave school for college at precisely that point. Both my DDs did (their school had 6th form and we were expecting they would stay on, but then decided to close the 6th form). So they changed and went to a 6th form college. Bit further to travel every day (about 8 stops on the Tube in London, as opposed to being able to walk to school) but worked out well, both got into university and have done well. I would say this is a fine time to move.

My parents (Dad's choice) moved me hundreds of miles and changed schools during both my O and A levels. It really wasn't great.
I can sympathise hugely with your DD but given you've already sold your house it's a bit pointless asking the question. You've already made your decision.
I daresay it will work out long term but she's not going to be happy with you for some time. If she settles well in your new area all will be fine, if she doesn't, this will be remembered forever as being because she was uprooted.
Saying that, I hope it works out for you all.

She has no say, don't cater to her as she is being spoilt

Do you HAVE To move now.

Moving right now in her GCSE's with a sale near completion and no plan isnt not only not putting them first it is not thinking of her at all.

Ideally waiting until she is through her A levels would have been the right time - where on earth is she going to go for sixth form.

You seem to be going through with a plan that actually you have no idea how it is going to work.

Moving to an area where you have figured out sixth forms, looked into it etc is fine. This whole we need to do this without a plan isnt.

So is this because you cant afford to stay - if so be honest with her

Or because you want to reduce stress. If so I would say moving now with all the things you need to take into account isnt going to work.

Enabling her to complete her education at 18 is the number one priority unless you are in danger of losing the house

A slightly different perspective. I was hoping toove this year as DD2 changes to a 6th form college. It would have needed a change of job, which did not happen. Likely we'll now move in 2 years. This seems worse to me. I'd like DD to feel like where we move to is home and this would have worked better if she'd been able to establish new friends at a new 6th go. My DH's moved when he was 18 and as he didn't go to uni at that age, it was difficult for him socially.

I think many teens change around age 16-18 and their friendships expand. I'm sure once you've moved your DD will be absolutely fine. But I can see how the current uncertainty is stressful for her.

If your house sale has almost completed then it is a done deal regardless of what your daughter thinks. Probably the worst time of year to be doing this in terms of her life ,but , if you need to move you need to move. Is the 6th form she will go to nice ? Is there an open evening/taster day ?

It's not the worst time of year to move at all if you can hang on until she has finished her GCSE exams, which presumable finish in the next few weeks, surely? Then move over the summer and start AS year in new school/6th form collage, where many/most other students will also be new. I don't see the issue wrt education.

Friendships, sports clubs etc are another thing of course. But my DD's (actually my DSDs) both moved country at the age of 12 and started secondary school in an entirely new educational system, where they knew no-one. They were absolutely fine, built friendships, played sports, joined clubs, did DoE etc etc...

How does what's going on in another country make her suddenly want to leave her life behind?

Have you told her why you need to move about your DH?

I would move regardless. Your DH obviously needs to retire and some times you just have to put yourselves first espically when it's health concern.

I would hold off if I could but she would need to understand the financial implications.
If you can just about scrape by, once her gcse's are over, she could get a job to cover her own spending like going out/ fares/ clothes.

Never. Sounds melodramatic but that's how it is. I've had such fabulous and yes, blessed, life and I want my children to experience the same.
When I decided to have them, I accepted the responsibility to always do and give them the best I can, this promise to myself will not change regardless of the age of my DC.

I think it’s unreasonable unless you absolutely have no other choice. You’re leaving it pretty late to find a sixth form now. Unless it’s impossible I’d wait until she’s 18 and the move, you can just look at what suits you two then aswell. You could suggest she gets a job and pays a small amount of rent? And the other 2 pay in the holidays if they want to have a room available for them?

Show her what's going on in Ukraine that might get some perspective for her.

Oh dear, what's with this newly liked thing to 'show how the poorer than us are doing'? 🤦‍♀️

I find this middle class 'look at the poor people' thing very crass.

They don't need to be pitied or used by privileged people to 'teach their stroppy teenagers' a lesson.

How does what's going on in another country make her suddenly want to leave her life behind?

I agree. It doesn't make her feelings any less valid. It's the same as being told to finish your plate of food 'cos starving children in Africa

I think if financially you need to move you need to move but it is difficult for her about to start her exams and she gets this, and personally I’d have avoided it if possible, but you can’t, so I think you need to explain to her that financial hardship drove the decision timing and not just you decided to throw her under the bus.

As for OP, you need to have a grown-up talk with your DC and explain the economic reasons for the move, best done after GCSEs.
With the best will in the world, if you can't afford to live in your current house, you have to move.

Show her what's going on in Ukraine that might get some perspective for her.

Absolutely do not do this. Other people’s tragedies are not weapons you should use to silence people with legitimate but inconvenient feelings 🤨

My parents moved when I was 16, I went to a fantastic 6th form college, made loads of friends and it was really positive. If you have to move you have to move, do you have a 6th form lined up?

Show her what's going on in Ukraine is today's don't you know there are starving children in Africa.

Do you know where you’re moving to? Has the decision been made along with your DDs 6th firm plans?
I can understand that it would be very unsettling for her if she doesn’t know where you are moving her to or what her sixth form options are. on top of doing her GCSEs. I assume you’re not moving till after the exams themselves?
It sounds like you need to sell/move but you can still do that while putting your DDs needs for completing her education as a priority for the next two years.