Can I move our children away?

[CrazyCatLady00]

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

@ChocolateHippo

Choosing to put your child in nursery 8-6 5 days a week isn't the same as having them removed from you for 37 weeks of the year. It's ridiculous to even compare the two.

Well people should, to avoid damaging their children.

Don't be silly 🙄

Even if you consider the possibility, without a crystal ball, you don't know what a future breakdown might look like or how each party will behave.

You can avoid damaging your DC by doing your best for them, and that's all we can do.

And all parties in a marriage should consider their earning potential and access to funds, but that's about it.

He can always have them full-time and pay for childcare like other people do. Then it's up to him how much he sees them (and how much he leaves them with a nanny).

Yes, I agree. In his position that is what I'd do.

Are you going to answer my question? Would you be happy to see your children that little?

You're agreeing with me. I'm not saying she should have known this would happen, im saying she should have considered the financials.

I don't think this is the best for her children, somehow.

@Tinyleopard

I do agree that moving away may not be best for her DC, as the dad does see them regularly.

I also agree ensuring you have access to money & ideally, work, is sensible for women (in particular)

Where I'm disagreeing with you is your suggestion that you can look ahead and see what a breakdown might look like & how you can protect against it.

As terrible as my H was, I genuinely assumed he would have an interest in our DC & put them first. He has turned out to be a shocking, negligent father & I have had to sacrifice a lot to try & make things work for my DC. I couldn't have seen that or planned for it.

Similarly, recession hit while I was having DC, I went from a very good, well paid to taking contract roles at lower salaries - still lucky to have them but I lost that security which meant the break up was harder.

I couldn't have foreseen these or planned for them. People can only do their best, and not anticipating a break up is not being naive or leading to damage to the children, as per hoot suggestion.

@Tinyleopard. No, but I do a job which allows me to do school and nursery pick-ups (using wraparound care once or twice a week). Like many parents, I've taken a pay cut to ensure that my job fits with my caring responsibilities and I've had to turn down work travel etc. due to lack of childcare. The first thing I ask myself when offered an exciting project or work trip away which is going to involve irregular hours is "How can I cover this with childcare?" If spending time with your children and being there for them is the most important thing in your life, then you make decisions to facilitate that and ensure that you are an equal parent.

I wouldn't feel bad for moving that far away but then mime's dad only sees them EOW and half holidays. EOW is still fine to do 2 hours away.

It’s not an ideal situation obviously. But tiny, you’re completely and utterly ignoring the OPs very much less than ideal situation at the moment. She can’t work and has no social life and feels very lonely. Her ex pays her maintenance but regularly threatens to disrupt that. Which must be terrifying when it’s probably half her income. He’s still controlling her life
even though they are divorced. Her children are too old for most standard childcare setups but her eldest has needs that mean he/she requires more adult supervision and input that most 13year olds. That kind of help is very difficult to find. PPs suggestions like ´get an au pair’ are hilariously naive. Au pairs do not give you unlimited help for 350pounds a month. You have to pay them 350pounds spending money. They also need feeding, housing, there may be associated costs like insurance and phone contracts. They are also extremely thin on the ground post Brexit and covid. And most Au Pairs won’t have any training or experience which might be handy when you’re supposed to be looking after a 13yr old with additional needs. Without knowing more about those needs, it’s impossible to know just how much of an ask it might be for an inexperienced 18yr old au pair to deal with, but OP will know exactly how realistic this is.
In a few years OP will lose maintenance and probably a lot of the benefits she currently is entitled to, as her children grow up and become independent or age out of the system. She may feel she needs to be able to work to improve her financial situation for the future. It’s not like her ex will be supporting her once she’s finished bringing up their children.
So yes, she’s moving to improve her life, finances and her children’s life during the time they live with her, at the expense of frequency of contact with their dad. She has no intention of trying to sever that contact or that relationship. Her ex has known about this move for a year and has not come up with any alternatives. He’s understandably unhappy about seeing his children less often (although not necessarily for less time overall) but not enough to try to do anything about it other than swing from supportive to unsupportive and threatening court. He might go to court over this, but I think he probably won’t. If he was serious about doing it, he probably would have done it already.

Ah right, so again you think because of his job he deserves it. I see.

So it wouldn't be okay for you, but for a man with a job you don't like (that was jointly decided within the marriage) tough shit get your kids taken away and it's fine.

Dear me.

I'm not ignoring it. I'm sure it's shit for her, but her children are more important.

I’ve not read the entire thread, it’s gone as these threads always do.

I can’t agree that it’s selfish of a single mother to be desperate for more support for her and her two children, one of whom she acts as a carer for, and to want to move nearer to her family. I just can’t.

The pilot father works irregular hours and is away from home for much of the time. Would he consider, in the best interests of his children to relocate his own base to be nearer the new home of his children?

I don’t see that that is any more of an unreasonable request, seeing as he works away a lot and does not have set times to see his children, than expecting a single mother to stay somewhere where she has no support, for his convenience?

@Tinyleopard . Like I said, nothing wrong with being a pilot. It's not a question of 'not liking' the job.

But if you're away for work for large chunks of time, then you can't really be an equal parent and it comes across as a bit insincere to bleat about having your kids 'taken away' when it's your career choices which have led to you not really being involved in their day-to-day lives.

But why should he have to relocate at massive cost to him, to negate the negative impact on his children caused by her move, when she could simply not move and cause no negative impact ?

It's like she owes him nothing but he should jump and ask how high.

You are being really selfish , he is not a deadbeat dad he is pilot he can’t help not being able to have them at regular weekends. He sees then once or twice a week and you want to destroy that bond. Plenty of single parents live away from family. Put your dc first happy children = happy mum.

But again, that was clearly a joint decision. Op was happy for him to be uninvolved but presumably fund their life. I don't think that's a good enough reason to take the kids away. He does see them regularly, he doesn't seem uninvolved at all.

It's unfair to say well tough shit you don't get to see them, when actually he's funded everyone's life for years. It wouldn't have been ok for him to quit and look after them full time as op didn't work, and likely doesn't have as much earning power as him. It's not even slightly realistic so I'm not sure he deserves punishment for that.

You can't have it both ways, can you?

His career choice probably had a lot to do with the fact that he needed to pay for an entire household. If he didn't, maybe he wouldn't work as much, Christ, wouldn't we all work less if we didn't need to?

Would you allow it if it was other way around? If he applies for a prohibitive steps order theres every chance he’ll get it unless you can clearly prove that it is in your children’s best interest not just because you want to be closer to family. I personally think making a unilateral decision as big as this is entirely selfish

I cannot agree she is being selfish.

She's a struggling single mum.

Moving away may not be ideal. It may be necessary tho.

I think trying to mediate an agreement is what's important.

@Tinyleopard

Your posts are very odd.

He's hardly Dad of the Year material. He pays £750 pcm maintenance which might be better than some, but low for a pilot (at Captain level).

He won't pay for a single other thing.

While he sees them regularly, he doesn't do much else on terms of being a parent. (Similar to my ex)

This idea that he cannot be expected to change his job is nonsense. Many people have to make changes to their jobs & lifestyle after separation.

I still feel the OP shouldn't unilaterally make this decision but do not think she is wrong to consider it.

It's not odd to think that this isn't in the children's best interest.

He pays what he's been told to pay through CMS. If you don't think that's enough maybe you should let them know.

I'm sure if he changed his job and paid half the maintenance that wouldn't be ok either?

I don't think she's wrong to consider anything, but I personally feel this is unfair on her children, and on their father.

But again, that was clearly a joint decision.

I find this idea that peoples' lives shouldn't change after separation very odd. Presumably, it was a 'joint decision' that the OP shouldn't work and should care for the children? Yet none of us expect her ex to continue funding her after separation.

If it was a 'joint decision' that he would be a pilot (and therefore the OP has to support this forevermore), surely it was also a joint decision that he would support her financially and he should continue doing this even after separation?

Or does it only go one way?

I don't know what you're trying to get at?

She was happy for him to be work and her to look after the children. She was happy for him to pay the bills.

Now she thinks that should mean he doesn't see his children (which clearly he did when they lived together)

No, I don't think he should fund her, but equally I don't think she should remove his children for most of the year.

I'm not saying lives shouldn't change, I'm saying it's not a bloody surprise he works when he always has.

I'm saying he shouldn't get to force him into moving / not seeing his kids / having to change his job because she isn't happy. Which is what this is.

Of course he doesn’t deserve to have his kids taken away. OP is not trying to punish her ex here. She’s trying to improve her life and her children´s lives during the time they live with her.

Perhaps OPs ex should not have had children knowing that as a pilot he would be reliant on her to be primary parent and take care of their children if/when they split up. Perhaps all pilots should be required to quit when they have a baby because clearly it’s incompatible with family life in the event of a divorce?

Life is not always ideal. Situations are not always fair. I have no idea why you seem to have unlimited sympathy for OPs ex and zero for her? You’re also imagining that OPs ex wants to have the kids fulltime and pay for childcare to cover his job. OP does not believe that’s the case. Obviously for the ex, the status quo is the best option. But it’s also fairly likely he would prefer the move + increased time with his kids during school holidays to having the kids fulltime and needing to organize and pay for care for all the time he is working.

OPs original question was, can he block her move via the courts? The answer is, no, he can only stop the children from going. So it’s really her choice as to whether she should continue to be miserable and totally financially dependent on her ex and have her kids see their dad frequently but only when it suits him, or whether she should improve her life prospects and have the kids see their dad less frequently but for sustained blocks of pre-planned quality time.

I do have sympathy for her. I'd have sympathy for her if she was facing having her children taken away, hence I do for him. I feel sorry most for her children, whom most of you seem to be ignoring.

Life isn't ideal, but I think it's worse than "not ideal" to not see your children for 8 weeks at a time. She might not be trying to punish him, but she is punishing him, and her own children, by doing this.

He clearly doesnt prefer the move if he's threatening court?

He pays something like 10-15% of his monthly net income (based on very modest assumption of a Captain salary) towards his children, they do not spend much time with them (‘once or twice a week’) so he has no further outgoings for them, he dips in an out of their lives due to his job (works away at times), and still we’re telling a single working mother, who acts as a carer for one of the children, that she is selfish for wanting to be nearer to her family for some support, as she currently has none?

Fuck that noise.