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Original poster

Can I move our children away?

327 replies

CrazyCatLady00 · 09/05/2022 17:06

My kids dad keeps threatening court action as I’m moving our DC 2.5hrs away. He says he can stop me?

im moving to be near family so I will have that support and be able to give our DC a better life. I’ve always said that I’d never stop him seeing them but he is saying that I will break his bond with the DC, even though I’ve said he can have them all school holidays.

He works over 24/7 so weekends are not always an option.

OP posts:
doingitforthegirls · 11/05/2022 09:00

An ok 11 and 13....

So why do you need childcare? You don't need it surely - before and after school maybe but most kids that age don't go to one. Plus you said you'd be sending the kids to their dads for the holidays?

Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 09:00

@ChocolateHippo ”And she won't be fucking it over - he isn't even around that much due to his career and 2.5 hours is hardly the ends of the earth. If he wants to maintain a close relationship with his children, he'll find ways to do it. If he's not bothered, then that will eventually come through.

Requiring the OP to stay in a place where she's miserable and she has no support to enable her to work outside the house if she wants to and improve her economic situation is 100% treating her as a service human being. Her life is very, very confined and lonely at the moment while he's flying off all over the world.

exactly this ☝️

funny thing is, he’s currently buying a house near to where he is now, when actually he could live an hour closer to where we are moving to and still be within access to his work.

OP posts:
ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 09:02

Just as he doesn't owe it to you to support you financially now you're no longer together, @CrazyCatLady00 , you don't owe it to him to support him indefinitely by arranging your life around his.

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Original poster
CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 09:03

@doingitforthegirls i need childcare as my eldest is autistic and has global delay syndrome so although he is 13, his mentality is a lot younger. If I stayed where I am and tried to get work I would need care for holidays as I have no support network where I currently am.

OP posts:
Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:07

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 09:00

@ChocolateHippo ”And she won't be fucking it over - he isn't even around that much due to his career and 2.5 hours is hardly the ends of the earth. If he wants to maintain a close relationship with his children, he'll find ways to do it. If he's not bothered, then that will eventually come through.

Requiring the OP to stay in a place where she's miserable and she has no support to enable her to work outside the house if she wants to and improve her economic situation is 100% treating her as a service human being. Her life is very, very confined and lonely at the moment while he's flying off all over the world.

exactly this ☝️

funny thing is, he’s currently buying a house near to where he is now, when actually he could live an hour closer to where we are moving to and still be within access to his work.

But why should he have to move to a different area to suit you?

If you feel you owe him nothing, surely he owes you nothing either.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:09

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 08:22

Well if he's not paying maintenance and op is paying him I suspect he will easily afford a nanny.

To be on call 24/7 for £750 per month? Not covering living expenses, food, kids' clothes, school expenses, activities etc. 😂

If you find someone who will do this, please give me their details!!!

I didn't say with £750 a month, but without paying that he's half way there isn't he? Op can find a job and pay maintenance às well, that'll help.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:10

CrazyCatLady00 · 11/05/2022 08:56

@Tinyleopard ”Again though, I'd be very surprised if op had children with him and didn't know that from the very outset. She decided to still do it, she knew there would be consequences if they split and she still did it. I have limited sympathy”

funnily enough when you’re very happily married and both want to start a family I didn’t really think “oh but what happens if we split? Best not get pregnant then”

what a stupid statement @Tinyleopard 🙄

Surely you considered it? I am equally very happy but considered it because why the hell wouldn't you?! It's entirely possible. Most people do!

Tamzo85 · 11/05/2022 09:12

Yes he can try and frankly what you are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong. There’s a big difference between seeing you dad a couple of times a week or in the school holidays. You are negatively affect their relationship with their father and his with them and you feel perfectly entitled to do so.
Disgraceful.

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 09:14

@Tinyleopard . £1500 per month (and the OP probably isn't going to get a job earning £100k so she won't be paying £750) isn't going to scratch the surface of a 24/7 nanny.

£1500 per week maybe. Plus you've still got to pay all the kids' expenses.

CM really is a bargain compared to buying in childcare commercially.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:15

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 09:14

@Tinyleopard . £1500 per month (and the OP probably isn't going to get a job earning £100k so she won't be paying £750) isn't going to scratch the surface of a 24/7 nanny.

£1500 per week maybe. Plus you've still got to pay all the kids' expenses.

CM really is a bargain compared to buying in childcare commercially.

He wouldn't need 24 hour childcare. If he's available all the school hols would he.

And no, she wouldn't pay that much but she'd pay something presumably.

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 09:19

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:15

He wouldn't need 24 hour childcare. If he's available all the school hols would he.

And no, she wouldn't pay that much but she'd pay something presumably.

Show quote history

He's never going to get as cheap a deal as he gets at the moment with the OP (and all food/kids' expenses included) and yet he still complains about paying.

Tamzo85 · 11/05/2022 09:20

@CrazyCatLady00

You keep saying “he pays me what he owes” in cm and “not a penny more”. Why are you expecting more? Why would you deserve more?

Im not sure how your marriage ended and if you were the injured party and he wanted the split, but that would at least explain the bitterness and feeling like you can move away (although for your kids sake you shouldn’t). If not then your attitude is really puzzling.

TropicalPotatoes · 11/05/2022 09:21

MolliciousIntent · 09/05/2022 18:49

I actually think it's pretty shit of you to move your children so far away from a parent who wants to be involved with them, who currently sees them multiple times a week. They deserve a good relationship with their father and whatever you say, if they only get to see him every 6 weeks or less, the relationship will suffer. I'm assuming you're not prepared to drive them back to see him every week?

How will you explain this to your kids when they're adults and ask why you chose to stop them seeing their dad? It was more important to me to be close to my family than for you to be close to your father?

My mother did this to us when we were children, she made our lives worse to make hers better and it took til we were adults to regain that closeness with our dad, even though we saw him every holiday. I haven't forgiven her, and neither has my sibling.

This!

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:24

He's not getting a good deal at all, £750 a month (and then an increase!) To have his kids taken away?

Would you personally be happy with that?

I wouldn't.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:26

Can any of you honestly say you'd be happy with seeing your children that little?

I'd rather be skint and have my kids at home. Most people would.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 11/05/2022 09:30

Tiny leopard, he would need overnight childcare for all the nights he is not home. Which will be frequent but unpredictable because he’s a pilot.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 11/05/2022 09:32

750pounds a month to have his children’s every need taken care of apart from during fun time with dad on holidays. Does that sound better?

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 09:33

but considered it because why the hell wouldn't you?! It's entirely possible. Most people do!

Actually Tiny I'd suggest you are in the minority.

Most people don't think about the possibility their relationship might break down & their partner behave badly, when they are happy & having children.

The warning signs for my abusive ex were always there. Yet I choose - unconsciously or not - not to see them.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:33

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 11/05/2022 09:32

750pounds a month to have his children’s every need taken care of apart from during fun time with dad on holidays. Does that sound better?

No it doesn't, it doesn't change the fact he barely gets to see them. It's not okay, stop trying to make it ok by equating it to chidkvar.e

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 11/05/2022 09:36

At there ages he’d probably have to put them both in boarding school (including over weekends when he is working) to be able to be primary carer and keep his career. 2 sets of boarding school feed would make a huge dent in his salary. And the boarding schools won’t be just round the corner from his house either. And it may be very complicated/impossible to find a place suitable for his eldest with additional needs to consider. The courts might consider that them staying with mum 2.5 hours away and having plenty of time with Dad in school holidays is a better plan.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:36

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 09:33

but considered it because why the hell wouldn't you?! It's entirely possible. Most people do!

Actually Tiny I'd suggest you are in the minority.

Most people don't think about the possibility their relationship might break down & their partner behave badly, when they are happy & having children.

The warning signs for my abusive ex were always there. Yet I choose - unconsciously or not - not to see them.

Well people should, to avoid damaging their children.

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 09:37

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:24

He's not getting a good deal at all, £750 a month (and then an increase!) To have his kids taken away?

Would you personally be happy with that?

I wouldn't.

Would you apply this analysis to all parents needing childcare?

"Oh, £1200 per month is rubbish for a full-time nursery place because the nursery are taking your children away from you while you have to work, you poor thing! They should be paying YOU to have your child".

Childcare is a service. If parents can't provide it themselves, they have to pay someone else to do it.

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:38

Nobody has answered my question. Would you be happy with seeing your children that little?

ChocolateHippo · 11/05/2022 09:39

Tinyleopard · 11/05/2022 09:33

No it doesn't, it doesn't change the fact he barely gets to see them. It's not okay, stop trying to make it ok by equating it to chidkvar.e

Show quote history

He can always change jobs and see them more.

EarringsandLipstick · 11/05/2022 09:39

@CrazyCatLady00

I can absolutely see why you might make that decision.

It is really tough for you in your current position.

However, as he does currently see the DC regularly, I think it's an unfair move. The relationship will be affected by only seeing them at certain times without the kind of regular access they have now.

I have an awful useless ex who spends his time manipulating me & the DC. out of my 3 DC only one now sees him properly, 1 not at all, the other sporadically.

When we first split, they were v young. I had no support. I had finished a contract & wasn't working. Moving might have been a big help - but I decided against it as I wanted them to have some kind of relationship with him.

It's hard but being a parent means prioritising the kids. I know because of your eldest needs, working is hard but I would do everything you can to improve your situation where you currently live.

If you really want to move, pet Gais discuss via mediation to reach an agreement.