Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Abusive ex demanding to be put on babies birth certificate

131 replies

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 20:44

Please can someone shared some light on my tricky situation.

my ex and I were together for 3 years and in that time he was emotionally abusive, controlling, cohersive. He has threatened to take the child.

I was advised by health visitors and gp to not put father on the birth certificate due to the abuse.

however he is now demanding to be put on, refusing financial support for the child unless I do so and threatening to take me to court.

i have not withheld contact.. in fact I have done as much as I possibly can to facilitate it but he’s got a bee in his bonnet about the birth certificate.

i am happy for him and baby to have a relationship, I do not however want to put him on that birth certificate because he will use that to control me.

for example he will play with contact. Refuse to bring her home. He will demand things like certain schools, just to be a pain. He would most definitely refuse any holidays with her.

does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 08/05/2022 20:46

Let him take you to court. Unfortunately they could end up forcing his name to be added but you can cross that bridge when you come to it

ShaneTwane · 08/05/2022 20:47

Sorry no advice op, but if he does go to court they will put him on the birth certificate so it's something you should be aware of.

AlternativePerspective · 08/05/2022 20:47

The reality is that if he goes to court he is likely to be put on the birth certificate and gain parental responsibility.

People make a big deal of not putting the father on the birth certificate, but in truth all it does is delay the inevitable if the parent in question is prepared to fight for parental responsibility.

Theunamedcat · 08/05/2022 20:50

Leave never let him see her again no financial support but no stress either

Just dissappear

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:03

I have read that is possible for him to be put on the BC but not be given PR?

I am happy for him to have his access to baby, but I do not want him to be able too continue controlling me.

Will he be able to take the baby and not return her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:05

@Theunamedcat
Believe me I have thought of this my life would be so much easier.

But how do you even do this? Surely if he went to court he would find me that way?

I am currently in the process of moving as he drives past my house frequently and turns up as he pleases

OP posts:
bellac11 · 08/05/2022 21:07

The court will give him PR anyway.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 08/05/2022 21:08

You can bargain imo. He goes on but baby has your surname.. No issues with travel later on.
Or contact Cms. They assume parentage unless he agrees to dna testing which he pays for if he is the df... All adds up ££. Or agree he can see dc on x days and he gives you x££.. You apply for residency so no issues with him legally keeping her after any contact..

AnyFucker · 08/05/2022 21:10

Take advice from the professionals. Do NOT put his name on the BC. He will still be liable for child support without it.

And do not facilitate a relationship with him and baby. Would you foist him on your worst enemy ? Think about it.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:11

@Summerholidayorcovidagain

Hi could please help explain this a little further?

I do not intend to initiate court proceedings, I would like to be prepared with my options.. and knowledge of he does go down this route.

I was told by several professionals I was to not put him on the BC.

Baby is registered. She has my surname, and it will stay that way.

My concerns are purely that he will take her and not return her. He has threatened this many many times.

What can I do in this situation to prevent that from happening?

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:13

Ok, so this was a revelation my partner discovered when his ex contacted the Child maintenance and didn't put him on the birth certificate. It apparently doesn't matter- if he agrees that he is the father and cares for child they will instruct him to pay- if he refuses you can get the payment throughout direct pay which takes it out of his wage before he gets it. He has no leg to stand on. If he won't pay get them to direct pay. It makes zero difference if he is on or off the birth certificate.

bellac11 · 08/05/2022 21:13

This is why you need residency, to show that the child should live with you. There might be a contact arrangement but if that is all set out with the court then he has to return her at the times in the order, although courts dont like to be prescriptive they will expect that parents work this out for themselves.

Honaloulou · 08/05/2022 21:13

You can bargain imo. He goes on but baby has your surname

Please don’t use the surname as a bargaining chip. It shouldn’t be even close to a discussion - your baby must have your name for a tonne of practical and moral reasons.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/05/2022 21:14

I would just use delay tactics for now.

Keep records of any threats to keep child, refusing to return. Will he go to court or just shout about i? You can apply for a residency order if he takes you to court but he will get pr it is not easy to avoid if he wants to fight for it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/05/2022 21:14

My concerns are purely that he will take her and not return her. He has threatened this many many times

Then he cannot have access to her. Claim the CMS. He can go to court for access and it'll be clear from what he has said to you that he cannot have unsupervised visitation.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:15

@AnyFucker

I am sorry I don't quite understand what you been by foist him?

I am trying to allow and facilitate contact with baby for a few reasons 1. For her sake. 2. To prevent him taking me to court and getting something daft like 50/50 custody where most of her time with him will be spent with his parents or childcare just so he can be spiteful and keep her from me. 3. So that he can't use her to hurt, play with contact times.

She is currently 5 months old he's not paid for her ar all, I didn't hear from him for 3 months. & now he is making demands and threats

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:19

I was in a similar position to you. I got a prohibited steps order, which was a court order to say that she lives with me as a primary residence until she's 18. Be warned this could lead to a court battle mine did. I was granted the order but then he wanted a child arrangement order which specified contact. He was eventually awarded indirect contact via letters through my solicitor. He never chose to do this and is out of our lives.

You need to seek legal advice, ensure all abuse is recorded by the police. When I went to the police that's when I was offered support- an IDVA she was amazing put me in touch with a solicitor told me exactly what I needed to do practically.

It's not an easy route and I didn't qualify for legal aid but it was worth every penny.

Do not put him on the birth certificate, seek legal advice, get a prohibited steps order.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:20

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz
I am not allowing unsupervised contact, we currently meet in a public busy place as I have been advised by my DA support worker.

I have a question do I need to be able to prove that this has been said. He is very clever when things get heated or not going his way he demands phone calls which he'll ring on withheld or leave it until we are in person where he will then try to bully me.

In a message he has out that he will not 'help' unless I am willing to 'meet him half way' half way is not what he wants his idea of half way is simply me rolling over and putting him on BC

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 08/05/2022 21:21

Get a prohibited steps order that will legally prevent him from removing her from your care. Otherwise you’ll always be scared he’ll take her as he’s threatening to.

apply to CMS for child maintenance it doesn’t matter if he’s on the birth certificate or not they will go after him for the money. He has no choice.

I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate or give your baby his surname.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:22

@Littlepaws18
I know it is hard to say... however what access is he likely to get if he does take me to court?

I have been advised by health visitors that he will be given supervised contact.

I have been told I can receive legal aid due to the domestic abuse!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:24

@frazzledasarock
Hi - thank you for this.

I am trying to not poke the bear, is it possible to delay this for now if I can keep him at bay?

OP posts:
Googlecanthelpme · 08/05/2022 21:26

OP there is not a fuck chance in hell I would put his name on the BC.

Hes been abusive and continues to try and bully and control you - he doesn’t deserve to be named on it.

don’t be bullied into having him in the hospital or anything to do with the birth, don’t name him on the bc.

He can be added later and contact can be agreed formally - just stop communicating with him as much as you possibly can.

Let him take you to court for access, no worries. It is actually in your interest to go to court, an official contact order is essential when dealing with abusive men. You CANNOT have informal agreements when the relationship is not amicable between co parents. Don’t let the thought of “court” scare you. It’s actually there to ensure the safety and well-being of the child only. If you think you can manage this all informally without an agreed court order then you need to have a serious rethink. These men will continue to bully and intimidate to get their own
way. A court order can offer some protection against that - not totally but it’s a hell of a lot better than having that arsehole making demands as and when he feels like it.

By the way, keep all the evidence of his abusive texts and messages and a log of unwanted contact - like driving past your house. If this escalates then start reporting it.

and yes he will threaten to take away any financial support, but he’s gonna do that regardless. Do something he doesn’t like - he’ll stop paying. Meet a new man - he’ll stop paying. He will use it as a whipping tool. If there is any way you can survive without financial assistance from him then I’d urge you to do it.

Bottom line - whatever you choose to do, concerning access please get a formal contact order via the courts. It will be in your best interests.

Lou98 · 08/05/2022 21:28

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:03

I have read that is possible for him to be put on the BC but not be given PR?

I am happy for him to have his access to baby, but I do not want him to be able too continue controlling me.

Will he be able to take the baby and not return her?

If he takes it to court, he will likely do a DNA test to prove that he is the baby's Dad and they will put him on the BC and give PR. That's if he actually takes it to court though, rather than it just being a threat.

Keep screenshots of everything he sends you wrt keeping baby and not giving her back etc.

If he does take it to court and get PR then you should go to court to apply for residency. It sounds like you have a support from different professionals so that will all go in your favour.

He won't get 50/50 custody of a 5 month old baby, especially not with your history.
If there is a court order in place he can't just take her and not give her back as he would be in breach of a court order so if he does go as far as to take you to court over the BC it really is in your best interest to then go to court over custody.

It's a hard situation OP and sorry you're going through it. The best thing you can do right now is wait and see if he does actually follow through with taking it to court.
As others have said, you can still claim CM through CMS. He would have to prove that he wasn't the Dad to get out of paying

Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:30

I can't comment on your situation because I don't know it, but remember the courts are child centred- they will not put your child in place of harm.

If you have documented evidence of his abuse towards you both, have professionals who state he should not have unsupervised access and he also currently doesn't see her unsupervised then the chances of him getting contact unsupervised are slim. Also her age is a factor- courts are very unlikely to offer any form of over night access when they are that young.

My situation on paper wasn't that terrible he hit me a few times and was emotionally abusive. However the reality was far different, I had no doubt he would harm us at some point. I was told by my solicitor to expect supervised access. But the judge was able to piece together the threat from police reports and CAFCASS.

It was two years of hell- but it's essential. Without it he can almost do as he pleases. My case might be different to yours but I absolutely advise that you get legal advice- the advice is normally free.

bowlingalleyblues · 08/05/2022 21:31

Don’t voluntarily agree to putting him on the BC. If he continues to harass you and bully you, you may need to stop the direct contact. With the support of your DV worker you need to be logging everything, if he’s driving past your house that sounds worrying. Use the legal aid available to you to get advice here to protect yourself and your child. If he’s not wanting to provide support then it sounds likely he’s more concerned with victimising you than being a parent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread