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Original poster

Abusive ex demanding to be put on babies birth certificate

131 replies

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 20:44

Please can someone shared some light on my tricky situation.

my ex and I were together for 3 years and in that time he was emotionally abusive, controlling, cohersive. He has threatened to take the child.

I was advised by health visitors and gp to not put father on the birth certificate due to the abuse.

however he is now demanding to be put on, refusing financial support for the child unless I do so and threatening to take me to court.

i have not withheld contact.. in fact I have done as much as I possibly can to facilitate it but he’s got a bee in his bonnet about the birth certificate.

i am happy for him and baby to have a relationship, I do not however want to put him on that birth certificate because he will use that to control me.

for example he will play with contact. Refuse to bring her home. He will demand things like certain schools, just to be a pain. He would most definitely refuse any holidays with her.

does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:32

@Googlecanthelpme

Hi thank you for this.

Baby is already here, I spent nine month pregnant very poorly in and out of hospital I begged him for help and support and it was completely refused.

I begged him to at least communicate with me near the end of pregnancy so he could be at the birth he still refused this. He was not at the birth and I got verbal abuse off of him hours after giving birth because I had the audacity to give birth before I was due, I didn't keep him up to date while in labour (I messaged when I was sure she was on her way and as soon as she was here) I was manipulated after she was born he wanted to collect her from the hospital. He demanded to be in my home the days after I had given birth and he constantly disputed my parenting of baby. He wanted me to leave her to cry herself to sleep at 5 days old!

He does threaten and control with a mixture of being very kind and nice. But it is short lived

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:33

They won't do a DNA test- paternity will only be questioned if either side questions it! Again I had this experience when in one court session he exploded and said'she might not be mine' it stopped all proceedings. He then decided she was his, so it continued. The courts never suggested testing throughout this.

Lou98 · 08/05/2022 21:34

@Littlepaws18 ah I never realised that, I thought if there was a dispute over the BC it was always done. Apologies OP!

Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:37

Though actually him not being on the bc might raise questions about parental responsibility. The court may not accept a prohibited steps order because they might not consider him to have PR if he isn't on the birth certificate. I would check this out legally.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:37

@Littlepaws18
I have been so worried about provoking him I haven't reported a lot to the police.

I reported a few things and they said it was likely they would pay him a visit... I did not want to risk this. As I am very worried he will escalate it because he knows I'm seeking advice etc!

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 08/05/2022 21:37

Do not put him on! Simple as that, if you do your fucked.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:39

@MissMaple82

I have the birth certificate he is NOT on it but he is bullying me into putting him on it threatening to take me to court and get custody etc x

OP posts:
bellac11 · 08/05/2022 21:40

Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:37

Though actually him not being on the bc might raise questions about parental responsibility. The court may not accept a prohibited steps order because they might not consider him to have PR if he isn't on the birth certificate. I would check this out legally.

He doesnt have PR if he isnt on the birth cert, unless a court has awarded him this outside of that process

But any court will give him PR during these proceedings (if there are any) and if he wants it

SunshineCake1 · 08/05/2022 21:42

He won't get custody. I suggest you write down absolutely everything he has done to you as evidence but he won't try for anything that is going to cost money and needs effort.

Littlepaws18 · 08/05/2022 21:43

Oh also I put my ex on the bc and it has caused nothing but heartache.

She doesn't have my surname, yet she has no knowledge of her father or where her name came from. I'm not allowed to change this without his permission until she is 18. He hasn't been in her life for 6 years. This means all her GCSE and ALevel certificates will be in this name. When she was a toddler she was so distressed about her name she refused to have a surname.

Also I can't take her out of the country for more than 28 days, each time I go I have to get the court papers notarised.

He technically has a say on her schooling and religion. He refused to let me baptise her.

He could at any point take me to court to try to over turn the original judgement ( though this is slim as he hasn't done what the court requested)

If I die he has PR no one else does. So she could be ripped from her brothers and sisters and family.

My husband wants to adopt her but can't without his permission.

Do not put him on the bc! It's hell.

JanglyBeads · 08/05/2022 21:45

Do you still have the same HV who advised you to not put him on BC?

Do you think he will actually go to court or might it be just a threat? Could he afford a solicitor/might he get legal aid?

Do you still have your IDVA?

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:45

@SunshineCake1
I was under the impression he had every potential of getting custody if he took me to court

Also, I have already done her BC and he is not on it, the threats are to take to court to be added

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:49

I was advised by more than one HV and I am still technically assigned to one HV.

I don't know, he has messed with my head so badly that I do not trust my judgement where he is concerned... He has a way of manipulating me without me even realising it.
He won't get legal aid I don't think... although he has declared himself bankrupt... but he works?

I have been assessed and I am able to contact them, they have given me some tasks to do but I do not need to have regular meetings. They are still there if I need them they have said.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 08/05/2022 21:50

Do you think it's in her best interests to have contact with him?

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:53

@Ginger1982

I feel like I have to try, as I am under the impression that court will enforce contact?

I feel like it would be better for her if I was able to keep it out of court?

I thought if I at least tried then if it ever does go to court it will be seen that I tried

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 08/05/2022 21:56

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:11

@Summerholidayorcovidagain

Hi could please help explain this a little further?

I do not intend to initiate court proceedings, I would like to be prepared with my options.. and knowledge of he does go down this route.

I was told by several professionals I was to not put him on the BC.

Baby is registered. She has my surname, and it will stay that way.

My concerns are purely that he will take her and not return her. He has threatened this many many times.

What can I do in this situation to prevent that from happening?

Quite frankly id do the same as a pp suggested. Id disappear. He is dangerous.

Ginger1982 · 08/05/2022 21:56

A court will only enforce contact if it is in the child's best interests. Obviously you know your situation best and whether he is all talk.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:57

@Ginger1982
When would it be deemed to not be in the child's best interest?

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:58

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

I wouldn't have the first clue about how to disappear.. I have been told if I do that he will be able to find me through court anyway

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 08/05/2022 21:58

Keep a diary. Inform your HV of everything he says and does. HV's are trained and responsible for safeguarding you and your child. They will document everything and will provide supporting statements to a court or case conference.
He cannot force you to speak on the phone. Text or email only. If he threatens you or your child inform your HV and the police.
He has no intention of having a positive relationship with your child. He is using her as a route to facilitate abuse and control of you. There is nothing positive or beneficial to your child in having contact with an abusive, controlling man.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:01

@endofthelinefinally how do I prove this?

Currently if he takes me to court he is likely to get everything he is asking for?

I have some historical messages but he didn't contact me for over 3 months and not the bullying about BC started during a visit recently.

He makes my mind go foggy and I don't know what to say or do I just delay until I get away from him.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 08/05/2022 22:04

I know it's hard but try not to base any of your decisions on aiming to to provoke him:to keep him from kicking off.

He'll kick off anyway if he decides to, no matter what you do. You need to just do the best possible things for your lovely daughter. So that means getting the best advice, and acting on it.

Ginger1982 · 08/05/2022 22:06

Can someone else facilitate the contact so you don't have to see him? Refuse to deal with him by phone, everything by an email address that you only use for him and can therefore keep evidence from? Change your number?

Any contact has to be positive for the child. If he's simply using her as a method of control, if he is continually abusive towards you, then that isn't in her interests.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:09

@Ginger1982
How do I prove this? He is as nice as pie over message.

But it starts over meetings or over the phone.

I have already refused phone calls to which he said 'I will not help you if you do not have a phone conversation'

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 08/05/2022 22:11

So stop giving him the platform. Don't meet him, don't speak to him on the phone. He's loving this! Tell him you want to communicate by email only. By 'help' does he mean financial? Do you need it? Make a CMS application and let them handle it.

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