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Original poster

Abusive ex demanding to be put on babies birth certificate

131 replies

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 20:44

Please can someone shared some light on my tricky situation.

my ex and I were together for 3 years and in that time he was emotionally abusive, controlling, cohersive. He has threatened to take the child.

I was advised by health visitors and gp to not put father on the birth certificate due to the abuse.

however he is now demanding to be put on, refusing financial support for the child unless I do so and threatening to take me to court.

i have not withheld contact.. in fact I have done as much as I possibly can to facilitate it but he’s got a bee in his bonnet about the birth certificate.

i am happy for him and baby to have a relationship, I do not however want to put him on that birth certificate because he will use that to control me.

for example he will play with contact. Refuse to bring her home. He will demand things like certain schools, just to be a pain. He would most definitely refuse any holidays with her.

does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:11

@JanglyBeads

Hi I am really trying my best to do this.

He makes me so ill. The 3 months he didn't speak to me I had energy, people around me started to say I was almost back to being the old me.

In the last 2 weeks, I struggle to stay awake past 8pm. My home is a bombsite because I don't have the energy to do it. (Thank god for my mum she's been round today and done everything)

I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:15

@Ginger1982
By 'help' he means paying yes, he also means agreeing to see her when it's convenient for me... for example he sees her currently every other Friday during school hours (I have an older child, that I want him no where near now).

I can manage without his money and would happily do so if he was out of our lives but I just feel like he's got me over a barrel!

He'll get everything he wants!

He has declared himself bankrupt and he told me this was so 'I wouldn't be able to get my greedy hands on a penny'

He also has said he'll take me to court and have her 50/50 so that he wouldn't have to pay for hee

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 08/05/2022 22:15

Ok.. this man doesn't help you.

You do not need him look up grey rock..

How often is he having contact. Can you meet him in public.

Do not give nore than is reasonable as harder to withdraw.

You need to start logging things with Hv and police if appropriate.

ystaberia · 08/05/2022 22:16

Let him take you to court.

Keep evidence of any threats or abuse.

Stop facilitating contact directly yourself.

Ginger1982 · 08/05/2022 22:17

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:15

@Ginger1982
By 'help' he means paying yes, he also means agreeing to see her when it's convenient for me... for example he sees her currently every other Friday during school hours (I have an older child, that I want him no where near now).

I can manage without his money and would happily do so if he was out of our lives but I just feel like he's got me over a barrel!

He'll get everything he wants!

He has declared himself bankrupt and he told me this was so 'I wouldn't be able to get my greedy hands on a penny'

He also has said he'll take me to court and have her 50/50 so that he wouldn't have to pay for hee

So have someone else take her to the contact. Stop engaging with him. The 'nice as pie' in messages will soon crack if it's the only way he can get access to you.

JanglyBeads · 08/05/2022 22:20

Does he have any other children? A new partner? Family support?

JanglyBeads · 08/05/2022 22:21

I'd tell yr GP about yr sleep etc so it's on record.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:21

@Starlightstarbright1

Hi - he was originally coming to my home 8/9pm as we both have other children. However this was getting to much for me I was tired with having a newborn and older child.

Baby was starting to go to bed between 7-8pm and I said it was no longer going to be appropriate... this was a MASSIVE kick off.

We finally agreed that it would be some Fridays dependant on when he could get time off work. I heard nothing from him after this until the morning of a Friday by which he announced that he would be at mine. I had made my postnatal drs appointment because he hadn't be in contact heavy abuse over the phone started and then I didn't hear from him for three months

He ambushed me outside my house 2 weeks waiting for when he knew I would be getting home from taking my other child to school. Stating it's a free country. He also admitted to driving out of his way to drive past mine to check. I live on a dead end road he has no need to drive anywhere near hear. Made jokes about seeing me in my undies through the windows!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:23

@JanglyBeads

Yes he has full custody of another child as that child's mum left to live with her new partner. However the parenting of this child is in question as he has weeks off school for no real reason.. basically does what he likes when he likes and is left with my ex's parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:25

@JanglyBeads
He lives with his parents and I am unsure about a new partner.

However the way he was talking to me on Friday I would be surprised if he has a girlfriend. It was highly inappropriate.

He made it very clear he still has intimate photos of me

OP posts:
YellaUmbrella · 08/05/2022 22:28

You need to take proper legal advice regarding contact arrangements.
It's possible, depending on the circumstances, to get contact at a supervised centre.

endofthelinefinally · 08/05/2022 22:28

Resign yourself to the fact that he will do everything possible to avoid paying any child support. Accept it and plan to manage without. It isn't fair or morally right, but he will use it to control and abuse you. Think of it as dropping your end of the rope.
Keep documenting everything and reporting to your HV. They will advise you what you should and should not be doing.
You should also contact Women's Aid.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:32

@endofthelinefinally

I will contact HV and womens aid tomorrow!

I am just really struggling, I am so drained and it physically and emotionally!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 22:32

I don't think you'll have a choice if he brings you to court.

Abuse aside every child should have the correct details on their birth cert.

Why are you allowing the relationship with an abusive man giving him contact but no legal rights.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:37

@EmeraldShamrock1
I am trying to do what is right by the child.

I am trying to protect her by making sure I am there always. But allowing her to have a father in her life.

His abuse is towards me and while he would use her to hurt me. I don't think he would hurt her!

Him having legal rights would allow him to control me.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/05/2022 22:39

Are you tied to the area because of your other child's father or because of your own family? I would be so fucking tempted to emigrate if I was in this situation.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 22:41

@HollowTalk
Unfortunately I am I only have my mum dad and sister and I couldn't live without them.

OP posts:
hellrabbitishere · 08/05/2022 22:43

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:24

@frazzledasarock
Hi - thank you for this.

I am trying to not poke the bear, is it possible to delay this for now if I can keep him at bay?

i dont see the point in delaying it , id face court , i had 3 years of my abusive ex threatening to take me to court for custody i was terrified of it , when he finally threw his toys out the pram and did it , it was oddly a relief , and no where near as bad as id feared , he did not get custody or even 50/50 ,, he was given exactly what the caffcass officer recommended which was eow including a fri night ,
i look back and wish id got it over with sooner and i wouldnt have spent 3 years getting aggressive text messages and abusive phone calls, you have been given some good advice on here and you have the support of your health visitor and others , court will be fair to you and they look at the best interests of the child

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 22:44

I am trying to do what is right by the child.
By not putting his name down? If she knows her father and spends time with him, he should be entitled to have his name on his DC birth certificate.
Any judge will see that.

I am trying to protect her by making sure I am there always. But allowing her to have a father in her life.
It doesn't make sense.

His abuse is towards me and while he would use her to hurt me. I don't think he would hurt her!
Abusive men cannot help themselves.

Him having legal rights would allow him to control me.
It would not, he be involved in big decisions though he is her Father and a decent one to her.

I'd stop visitation and go through the courts, the relationship will be more damaging than the name on a birth cert.

Did your older child witness the abuse?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 22:54

Honestly cutting him off, no longer appeasing him will be a relief.

Let him take you to court over the birth certificate and insist on supervision visits he'll soon waddle off.

He is a weak bully.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 08/05/2022 22:59

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 22:44

I am trying to do what is right by the child.
By not putting his name down? If she knows her father and spends time with him, he should be entitled to have his name on his DC birth certificate.
Any judge will see that.

I am trying to protect her by making sure I am there always. But allowing her to have a father in her life.
It doesn't make sense.

His abuse is towards me and while he would use her to hurt me. I don't think he would hurt her!
Abusive men cannot help themselves.

Him having legal rights would allow him to control me.
It would not, he be involved in big decisions though he is her Father and a decent one to her.

I'd stop visitation and go through the courts, the relationship will be more damaging than the name on a birth cert.

Did your older child witness the abuse?

fucking hell emerald. Stop giving advice! It is terrible! He would be entitled to go on the bc if they were married when they child was born. They werent, so he only goes on if the mother puts him on, and professionals have advised her not to, or he goes to court.

he is not a good father because HE IS ABUSING THE MOTHER!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 23:01

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 21:15

@AnyFucker

I am sorry I don't quite understand what you been by foist him?

I am trying to allow and facilitate contact with baby for a few reasons 1. For her sake. 2. To prevent him taking me to court and getting something daft like 50/50 custody where most of her time with him will be spent with his parents or childcare just so he can be spiteful and keep her from me. 3. So that he can't use her to hurt, play with contact times.

She is currently 5 months old he's not paid for her ar all, I didn't hear from him for 3 months. & now he is making demands and threats

For her sake? No no no OP. This isn't in her best interests as you say:

my ex and I were together for 3 years and in that time he was emotionally abusive, controlling, cohersive. He has threatened to take the child.

An absent father is far, FAR preferential to an abusive one.

One who will use her as a tool to punish and control you.

Theunamedcat · 08/05/2022 23:01

You want your daughter to.have contact with an abusive man for her sake? Just think about that for a moment on what planet does it make sense to allow contact with an abuser you think he will only hurt you? Your wrong by abusing you he is hurting her and if he gets her and keeps her you will have a hell of a time getting her back if you can get her back

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 23:05

@EmeraldShamrock1

How can you say this man is a good father?!

JanglyBeads · 08/05/2022 23:06

OP I can hear that you are doing your best. I know what it's like. Have you had any counselling? Can you ask about some more, you've got so much to face.

Have you done the Freedom programme? It's brilliant.

Have the police been involved in the past? If he's threatening to publish intimate pics of you, report him. Any threats of any kind, report them. They will all help build a picture for any judge.

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