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Original poster

Abusive ex demanding to be put on babies birth certificate

131 replies

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 20:44

Please can someone shared some light on my tricky situation.

my ex and I were together for 3 years and in that time he was emotionally abusive, controlling, cohersive. He has threatened to take the child.

I was advised by health visitors and gp to not put father on the birth certificate due to the abuse.

however he is now demanding to be put on, refusing financial support for the child unless I do so and threatening to take me to court.

i have not withheld contact.. in fact I have done as much as I possibly can to facilitate it but he’s got a bee in his bonnet about the birth certificate.

i am happy for him and baby to have a relationship, I do not however want to put him on that birth certificate because he will use that to control me.

for example he will play with contact. Refuse to bring her home. He will demand things like certain schools, just to be a pain. He would most definitely refuse any holidays with her.

does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 09/05/2022 10:40

So he's not self emoyed, that's good. CMS will go off his tax code so will be calculated including bonuses. Being bankrupt will not matter. Its a legal (and moral) obligation.

He's going to take you to court anyway so you may as well receive what your owed.

Cavagirl · 09/05/2022 10:40

If he is so convinced the court will award 50/50, and that's what he wants, why isn't he already taking you to court to get it? Ask yourself that.

As PP said, he's using threats about your worst fears to control you. He doesn't care about DD, he cares about the power being her father allows him over you, and he enjoys wielding that power to manipulate and control you.

Please contact Women's Aid OP. You need help to see this as the continued abuse that it is.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 10:43

@Cavagirl I will contact woman's aid.

However I am skeptical as to what they can do. I have been in contact with EDAN lincs who have said because I'm not in the relationship I am not at immediate risk

Is womens aid different to this?

OP posts:
myceliumama · 09/05/2022 10:53

Right. You need to STOP allowing him contact with your child. If he does take you to court, the fact that you are abused but still choose to spend time with him will suggest that he isn't actually THAT bad and as contact is already established, may as well keep it going. Or worse, they know he is abusive and yet you have failed to protect your child by encouraging him to be around your baby. Failure to protect them etc. so STOP accommodating him. If he turns up, call the police. Download a call recorder to record any abusive phone calls. Tell the police he has told you he still has intimate photographs of you and you believe he will be sharing these to get back at you. Report EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT. That is the only way to get rid of him and you need the proof for if he suddenly tries to take you to court.

I know it's hard. I've been there myself. Please stop telling yourself that this man brings ANYTHING of benefit to your and you child's life. He doesn't. Her only wants to cause damage and trauma and control you via her. If you allow it, he will destroy her. Please report everything, no matter how small, to the police. You need them on your side.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 11:19

@myceliumama
Hi, so he didn't actually contact me for 3 months because I told him he was making me ill with his behaviour. This is his excuse for no contact and no payment.

If he takes me to court as it stands I have no proof as I didn't record historical abuse.

If I go to the police they are going to go question him. And this is then going to escalate things. He thinks at the moment that I am still just little scared me and I'm not getting any advice.

I really think if he was to take me to court now as it stands it looks very much like my word against his x

OP posts:
myceliumama · 09/05/2022 11:21

This is exactly why you NEED to report everything. Otherwise you risk your baby going to live with him 50% of the time! You need the police in your side. You need to covertly record everything you can of him threatening you or being abusive.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 11:25

@myceliumama
How do I report to the police without them going to see him and making him aware that I have reported it?

Can I tell the police I am reporting it to build a case or is that not how it works??

OP posts:
BobLemon · 09/05/2022 11:41

Can other posters please clarify if it’s even possible to apply for CMS if the father isn’t actually on the birth certificate?

OP, regarding speaking to the police, you need to give yourself a bit of a shake. If he “escalates” then you just call the police again! If he applies to court, then so fucking what? I’m sure in your earlier posts you said professionals had given you advice that he’d only get supervised custody. But you continue to repeat a concern he’ll get 50/50. Do you see that your concern is a little irrational? “But he’s very clever” you may say. Well, luckily, so are the many people involved in the protection of children. You just need to help those people by finding a way to be calm and rational and provide them with all the evidence they could need in assessing what is best for your DD - including police reports re abuse.

frazzledasarock · 09/05/2022 12:06

BobLemon · 09/05/2022 11:41

Can other posters please clarify if it’s even possible to apply for CMS if the father isn’t actually on the birth certificate?

OP, regarding speaking to the police, you need to give yourself a bit of a shake. If he “escalates” then you just call the police again! If he applies to court, then so fucking what? I’m sure in your earlier posts you said professionals had given you advice that he’d only get supervised custody. But you continue to repeat a concern he’ll get 50/50. Do you see that your concern is a little irrational? “But he’s very clever” you may say. Well, luckily, so are the many people involved in the protection of children. You just need to help those people by finding a way to be calm and rational and provide them with all the evidence they could need in assessing what is best for your DD - including police reports re abuse.

He doesn’t need to be on the birth certificate to claim cms.

he could challenge it then he’ll need to pay for a paternity test to prove he isn’t the father.

JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 12:23

You mentioned at the end of one of your posts earlier this morning that he's hurt your older child in the past. What do you mean by this.

You said the police haven't been involved to date but you have an IDVA, how did you get her support?

JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 12:28

EDAN's stated mission is to support all those suffering domestic abuse so I can only imagine they couldn't help you because they've not got enough funding and are therefore currently prioritising those living with perpetrators.

Women's Aid national or local helpline will always give advice over the phone and may be able to do more. I think doing the Freedom Programme would really help you as well.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 12:33

@JanglyBeads
My exs older child from a previous relationship has hurt my older child in the past. Been mean/nasty. Just general child things. But it wasn't ever reprimanded from my ex. His older child could never do any wrong. The child even had more say over things than I. So I would be concerned that the green eyed monster to would come out.

I have contacted the police to request a Claire Law check. This was advised by my health visitor. I was also told to contact EDAN lincs. I have been given some tasks to do. But I do not now need to maintain regular contact with them. As I am no longer in the relationship therefore am not at immediate risk.

I contact the police a couple of times when I was concerned he was outside my house... but they informed they would need contact him.

I can feel replies are questioning me and my reasons. But I truly am just trying to navigate my way through an absolute shit storm.

OP posts:
myceliumama · 09/05/2022 12:38

Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 11:25

@myceliumama
How do I report to the police without them going to see him and making him aware that I have reported it?

Can I tell the police I am reporting it to build a case or is that not how it works??

You go to the police and you let them do their job. They SHOULD be going to see him. They should be telling him to stay away from you. Right now he has ALL the power as he knows you can't stand up to him. So he bullied you knowing you won't fight back. This is literally what the police exist for. They redress the balance and act on your behalf. If he doesn't comply they will arrest and possibly charge him. And they SHOULD. You Really must report him. Him having prostatic images of you and using the threat of releasing them to control you is coercion and that is ILEGAL. Him saying you must put him on the birth certificate OR ELSE is illegal. The police SHOULD visit him.

I know it's hard. It terrifies me standing up to my ex when he beat me black and blue and even made me sleep in the garden without a blanket the night before I gave birth. But I stood strong and while her initially tried to bully me even more when I went to the police, I kept reporting and reporting. Then he went to prison and I'm delighted to say I haven't seen sight nor sound of him in 20 years. My children didn't need him, nor that toxic abusive behaviour that actually would have destroyed them. My poor daughter didn't survive it unscathed though. He left when she was 3 but she still developed a personality disorder from being expressed to His horrendous treatment of me. Is going to affect her entire life, she's 23 now and struggles with everything. I can't even imagine how she would have turned out of I hadn't had the strength to stand up to him.

doyouwantachuffedybadge · 09/05/2022 12:42

BobLemon · 09/05/2022 11:41

Can other posters please clarify if it’s even possible to apply for CMS if the father isn’t actually on the birth certificate?

OP, regarding speaking to the police, you need to give yourself a bit of a shake. If he “escalates” then you just call the police again! If he applies to court, then so fucking what? I’m sure in your earlier posts you said professionals had given you advice that he’d only get supervised custody. But you continue to repeat a concern he’ll get 50/50. Do you see that your concern is a little irrational? “But he’s very clever” you may say. Well, luckily, so are the many people involved in the protection of children. You just need to help those people by finding a way to be calm and rational and provide them with all the evidence they could need in assessing what is best for your DD - including police reports re abuse.

Yes - my ex rang up CMS and told them he had other kids and paid their mothers privately. He didnt need to provide proof and so they reduced the CMS he pays to our child. You dont need proof.

JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 12:42

I don't think anyone's doubting you, more like trying to explain why pandering to him will never really work. It's like paying blackmailers, they always just demand more because they've been successful once.

Many of us know how you'll be feeling though, having experienced similar ourselves.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 12:49

@JanglyBeads
I understand what you are explaining however because I haven't recorded historical abuse if he get hauled in by the police he is just going to go straight to court with the 'she's making it up to prevent me seeing the baby' which is exactly what he's said.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 13:55

OK, but most courts will see straight through that line. And a Cafcass worker would come and interview you, they wouldn't just take his word.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 14:00

@JanglyBeads
I am going to contact womens aid and I will ring the drs as well.

I just do not have the energy or the mental capabilities to deal with it right now.

Do you understand what involvement cafcass has and how this part works?

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 15:19

Cafcass produce a report for any case in the courts when there are questions raised about potential harm to a child.

The judge has to take their report into account.

They will speak to both parents and possibly schools etc.

SunshineCake · 09/05/2022 18:22

This is not a man who should be anywhere near a child. If he was a friend you wouldn't see him again. Sharing genes doesn't mean anything good when that person is an abuser.

Write everything down, tonight when the baby is asleep, of all his threats, abuse, refusal to pay money, not showing up for contact etc.

Register for maintenance. That is your child's money not yours it isn't for you to refuse it or not claim. The baby is pay per view. He had to pay whether he sees the child or not.

Now you are a mother you don't have the luxury of being scared of anything. You have a duty to keep her safe, show her how to be strong and stand up for what is right.

You can make all the changes needed. You have to decide whether you want too. It won't be easy but it won't be harder than what you are going through now and at least there will be positives. There is nothing positive now while you are letting him scare you.

JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 18:43

Not really fair to call being scared a "luxury", @SunshineCake .

Fleur405 · 09/05/2022 18:51

I would definitely not add him voluntarily. Let him take you to court if he wishes - yes the court will probably order his name to be put on the birth certificate but they can also decide whether to give parental rights and make a residency order, taking into consideration your submissions Re his abusive behaviour. Perhaps see if you can find a legal aid family lawyer who will give you a free initial consultation - yes you’ve had advice from healthcare professionals but I think it’s important you understand the legal position.

SunshineCake · 09/05/2022 19:26

I knew someone would complain about me saying luxury but the child isn't getting a say. The mother does have the luxury of being able to make her own choices.

JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 20:13

An abused woman may not feel up to making some choices though. It's not as simple as it sounds.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 20:18

@JanglyBeads
Thank you.

I am REALLY struggling with separating reality from what I see. I know I don't want to continue living my life scared of what he's going to do next but... I should hopefully be moving house soon and he will not know where I am.

I need to give myself some breathing space and just keep him at bay for now! I am struggling mentally and emotionally with this situations and I can't see the wood for the trees at the moment

OP posts:
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