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Original poster

Abusive ex demanding to be put on babies birth certificate

131 replies

Curiousmum1298 · 08/05/2022 20:44

Please can someone shared some light on my tricky situation.

my ex and I were together for 3 years and in that time he was emotionally abusive, controlling, cohersive. He has threatened to take the child.

I was advised by health visitors and gp to not put father on the birth certificate due to the abuse.

however he is now demanding to be put on, refusing financial support for the child unless I do so and threatening to take me to court.

i have not withheld contact.. in fact I have done as much as I possibly can to facilitate it but he’s got a bee in his bonnet about the birth certificate.

i am happy for him and baby to have a relationship, I do not however want to put him on that birth certificate because he will use that to control me.

for example he will play with contact. Refuse to bring her home. He will demand things like certain schools, just to be a pain. He would most definitely refuse any holidays with her.

does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
Eddiesferret · 08/05/2022 23:06

There are certain inaccuracies in some of this advice OP.

Whilst he is not on the BC he does not have any parental rights. He has no legal rights over the child... however;
It is not expensive (£233) for him to make an application to the court to do this. Once this is achieved he can make an application for a child arrangement order to apply for court ordered contact.

So those advising no BC as a means to keep him away are right and wrong. To a determined father it is a temporary delay in getting PR . Once achieved he is recognised as an EQUAL PARENT.

I normally advise people to apply for a Child Arrangement Order themselves but in your position you absolutely need to get a good family lawyer experienced in coercive and controlling relationships. You don't want to make it easy for him by adding to the BC but you need to be ready with a pre-emotive strike if/when he does apply.

As a victim of DV you should be entitled to legal aid - so be proactive. Get that lawyer and be prepared to make sure that you get residence court ordered.

As for the ridiculous advice that having him on the BC but keeping your surname means you can go abroad without hassle .. this is an Urban myth, dangerous and not true !

If another parent - whatever the name has NOT given specific permission in writing to take the child abroad you can be arrested for child abduction. You will get a gazillion anecdotes in here telling you that they have been doing this for years and never had a problem. That is like saying you always park on a double yellow but so far have never had a ticket. It's against the law. Do not risk it if he gets PR . He sounds like the sought if person who would alert the authorities.
Do get it written into your order that you are permitted to take abroad without his permission for 28 days. It's commonly in the order but sometimes gets missed.

Get prepared with good legal advice. It will make you much less stressed by the situation and make you feel more in control rather than reacting to his bullying and bullshit.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 23:21

How can you say this man is a good father?!
My apologies, he obviously isn't a good man.
I meant as OP was sure he wouldn't be unkind or abusive towards a child.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 23:24

fucking hell emerald. Stop giving advice! It is terrible! He would be entitled to go on the bc if they were married when they child was born. They werent, so he only goes on if the mother puts him on, and professionals have advised her not to, or he goes to court.
He can apply through the court for parental rights.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 08/05/2022 23:26

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 23:24

fucking hell emerald. Stop giving advice! It is terrible! He would be entitled to go on the bc if they were married when they child was born. They werent, so he only goes on if the mother puts him on, and professionals have advised her not to, or he goes to court.
He can apply through the court for parental rights.

Yes. I said that at the end of my post. But he isnt entitled to be put on the bc by the unmarried mother though.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 23:29

Yes. I said that at the end of my post. But he isnt entitled to be put on the bc by the unmarried mother though.

He'll be an equal parent and entitled to decisions.

I'd cut him off now OP let him take you to court.

^So those advising no BC as a means to keep him away are right and wrong. To a determined father it is a temporary delay in getting PR . Once achieved he is recognised as an EQUAL PARENT.^

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 23:30

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/05/2022 23:21

How can you say this man is a good father?!
My apologies, he obviously isn't a good man.
I meant as OP was sure he wouldn't be unkind or abusive towards a child.

She was probably sure at one point he wouldn't abuse her but he did.

Abusive partners are not good fathers. Ever. If you abuse the mother of a child you are directly impacting that child's life negatively.

It's emotional abuse by proxy essentially.

JanglyBeads · 08/05/2022 23:32

He is already being a bad father by abusing the baby's mother and not paying maintenance. Things do no bode well for what kind of parent he'd be if he had unsupervised access.

The bet hope is that he'll get bored and go after someone else.

Ponderingwindow · 08/05/2022 23:37

not Putting him on the birth certificate is just a delaying tactic and a hoop for him to jump through. It’s absolutely trivial for him to get himself added. He easily could have done it by now. The fact that he hasn’t shows that what he really wants is to make your life difficult.

at some point, he may get himself added. If he is a danger to his child at that point, you need to be prepared to provide evidence to the court. For now, save every email and text. Document every visit, the good and the bad. Try to be neutral as hard as it is.. Keep records of every financial transaction. Nothing may come of any of it, but it is better to have it than not.

ChoiceMummy · 09/05/2022 07:27

I've only read your posts @Curiousmum1298

Firstly, make a claim for child maintenance, he may as well contribute regardless his conduct won't change.

Secondly, legal aid with no proof of dv, is hard to achieve and if you intend to return to work after maternity you'd then most likely not be eligible and have to owe money. You don't need legal representation for court. If you want advice mackenzie friends maybe useful.

Thirdly , uprooting a 9yo to a different school who then has to move again in 2 years is unfair imo and pointless. As well as making you look unreasonable unless you intend on maintaining contact?

Fourth, if you've been abused and remain so, why aren't you using a third party for contact? If so concerned, you now need a paper trail. So my suggestion would be that you email only, don't answer blocked numbers or his calls. Email stating your concerns regarding his verbal abuse during contact. That it's inappropriate and feel a third party is needed, so he needs to arrange and pay for a contact centre. This isn't unreasonable. However, he'll see it as so. A court may well say this is OK for drop off and collection eventually.

Fifth, given he has no ss involvement re his other child, he's unlikely to not he awarded or and not put on bc. For that he'd really have had to have done something of some magnitude and even then would still be added to the bc by court order.
He'd be awarded contact if not deemed a risk, which it doesn't sound as though he is to baby. The hv sadly is well intentioned, but not by the sounds of it familiar with the potential outcomes of court, which if not he went to court without them finding any reason for him not to be around his child unsupervised as not a risk, then he'd get contact that would build to overnights by 18 months most likely.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 08:00

@ChoiceMummy

If I make a claim for CM he will definitely take me to court to get as much time with her so that paying me isn't needed.

I have a DA worker who will provide me with a letter to receive legal... that being said I will not be going back to work anyway. My MH is in a good spot again since the relationship but I know I am not ready to take that challenge on yet.

I am moving house... but I will not be moving away from my eldest child's school my intentions are to unsettle my other child as little as possible.

There was lots of advice here thank you, I have wanted to facilitate contact, because she is a BF baby, and that being said she had zero routine during the day... i am unable to predict when she might demand feeding. When we met on Friday it was manageable I just kept saying 'I've heard you and it's definitely something to think about' to which didn't cause a kick off. However I do know this will not last for long.

I thought that to use a contact centre it would have to go through court... if I suggest contact centre I know he will just drag me through court... and going back to the BF thing I don't know how a contact centre would work.

I believe that there must be some services involved in the older child, however he would not tell me if this was the case. The older child has definitely suffered some emotional issues due to his mum and dads marriage breakdown. However around 8-9months his school attendance was less than 50% and in the 3 months I have not spoken to my ex his older child has had 6 weeks off school all at once with a week half term in there as well.

He's not a direct risk to her no, his parenting skills are lacking but he would be a great 'Disney dad' as I call it. However I do have concerns that he would use her to hurt me... not bring her home.. I don't think he would be able to deal with her on his own, at the moment his paitence and knowledge of babies is minimal. Some of things he thinks would be okay are concerning.

The older sibling is also a concern to her safety which is why I am keeping contact with only myself and dad. He has hurt my older child in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 09:09

@ChoiceMummy
I should add he is willing to pay for her so long as I ask him for money when it's needed and/or show him receipts.

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 09/05/2022 09:33

OP I think you need to get your head straight about what you're doing and why.

Are you facilitating contact because you honestly believe it's in your daughter's best interests to have him (not "a dad" - him) in her life as his father?

Or are you facilitating contact because you're scared of what he will do if you don't?

If it's the latter, that's not contact for her best interests. That's contact as a result of his continued abuse of you. You've left the relationship (which is a huge step!) but you don't have to be in a relationship for him to continue to abuse you. The contact is his way of doing that.

Please contact Women's Aid, as a first step. You need help to understand that placating him, trying "not to poke the bear" is what he's trained you to do, and while this might seem sensible to you, given all you've been through with him, actually it's not a solution. There will always be more demands, more appeasement needed. You need proper advice as to the best way forward for DD in the long term, not the best way forward to minimise the risk of him kicking off in the short term.

Good luck!

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 09:47

@Cavagirl
Hi thank you for your comment.

I worry that provoking him will just result in worse to come, he often tells me it's my word against his!

He tells me he drives past my home.. but never in messages for proof. I am aware of what he is doing but I do worry he has a point when it comes to my word against his!!

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/05/2022 10:01

I should add he is willing to pay for her so long as I ask him for money when it's needed and/or show him receipts.

Oh my he's a prize twat.

OP don't be worried about provoking him, he is already in full controlling bully mode, he is controlling you now.

I know it's hard to find strength when you're overwhelmed but bullying is the master of manipulation, it's the threats that keep the victim in their grip.

I'd let the fucker bring me to court, like most things we worry about, they never happen.

Surround yourself with your lovely family, next time he starts tell him you'll be communicating by text only.

Mentally fight him.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 10:03

@EmeraldShamrock1
Yes he is definitely trying to control me,

He does make it sound very kind and nice when he says, as he states this is best because sometimes she may need more than others and so this way he can give more as and when.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 09/05/2022 10:03

Record him.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 10:04

@EmeraldShamrock1
Please can you explain what you mean by mentally fight him?

I have told him I won't have phone call conversations.

But he is free to talk when we meet for contact and while he keeps calm with low tones (we are in public) he still chooses his words very carefully, almost making me doubt that he is doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 09/05/2022 10:06

You have been given the advice if he pursues court but why have you not applied to CMS for maintenance. Your daughter is not pay per view and he certainly doesn't get to demand receipts.

He does not need to be on the birth certificate in order to claim.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 10:08

@CombatBarbie I have avoided CMS as he has said if I do he'll take me to court..
he has also declared himself bankrupt so that he doesn't or has an excuse to not pay

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 09/05/2022 10:22

What is his working situation?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/05/2022 10:30

Please can you explain what you mean by mentally fight him?

See him for the hopeless bully he is, take back control and decide he is not going to be making an decisions in your life anymore.

Fight fire with fire, he won't be expecting it.

No more visitation until it is set up correctly through appropriate channels, apply for CMS too, you may not get any but he'll see your taking control.

At the moment he is pulling your strings.

You cannot control the situation by appeasing him, he'll apply for parental rights anyway once you stop, or he won't be bothered and you'll be free.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 10:31

@EmeraldShamrock1
I can hope he'll give up... but I don't think he will, My fear is him being able to take her and he won't give her back.

If I stop him from seeing her and fight him the chances of him doing that increases x

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/05/2022 10:35

I have avoided CMS as he has said if I do he'll take me to court.
Bastard is using your fears to control you.

Original poster
Curiousmum1298 · 09/05/2022 10:37

@CombatBarbie
He is a car salesman now, his yearly income is low but he receives a lot of commission 3000-6000 every quarter.

He was previously in the army, has been out around 18 months.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 09/05/2022 10:38

but I don't think he will, My fear is him being able to take her and he won't give her back.
It's awful. I think his obsession is with you, by stopping communication and making it awkward for him by using contact centre he'll lose interest if his main aim is gone.

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