Abusive ex demanding to be put on babies birth certificate

[Curiousmum1298]

Please can someone shared some light on my tricky situation.

my ex and I were together for 3 years and in that time he was emotionally abusive, controlling, cohersive. He has threatened to take the child.

I was advised by health visitors and gp to not put father on the birth certificate due to the abuse.

however he is now demanding to be put on, refusing financial support for the child unless I do so and threatening to take me to court.

i have not withheld contact.. in fact I have done as much as I possibly can to facilitate it but he’s got a bee in his bonnet about the birth certificate.

i am happy for him and baby to have a relationship, I do not however want to put him on that birth certificate because he will use that to control me.

for example he will play with contact. Refuse to bring her home. He will demand things like certain schools, just to be a pain. He would most definitely refuse any holidays with her.

does anyone have any advice?

I know it isn't simple but the life she is living now isn't simple and it will not change unless she musters up some strength to make different choices.

OP I sought legal advice when I was pregnant with my youngest as my husband and walked out on me and became very emotionally abusive and threatening. He threatens to take the baby off me as soon as he was born and used every trick in the abuser book to scare me 😢
I spoke to a solicitor who said he careful about what you allow because of you allow X amount of contact but then in court say you don't trust dad etc then they will wonder why you allowed this on the first place and your judgement could be questioned.
My advice would be to speak to women's aid. They are amazing and they will support you throughout it all. I spoke to them and all of sudden everything felt less scary.
I had to put dad on BC as we were married and in hindsight it was the right thing for me to do but in your situation I would follow the HV advise personally!

When you're down in the depths it tends to help more if someone comes alongside you (either literally or metaphorically) and takes you to get some help.

Apart from anything else, the OP has a very young baby, an older child, and is planning to move.

I spoke to a solicitor who said he careful about what you allow because of you allow X amount of contact but then in court say you don't trust dad etc then they will wonder why you allowed this on the first place and your judgement could be questioned.

You really need to try to understand this OP - you look like you aren't too worried about him if you're allowing access. Now we know it's never as simple as that but the courts need to see that you are not proactively facilitating non mandated contact between him and the child.

From their POV, you haven't just allowed him contact, you've been the driving force:

in fact I have done as much as I possibly can to facilitate it

So your efforts on that front need to stop right away as they are undermining the outcome that is best for your child should this go to court.

@youvegottenminuteslynn @Wednesdayafternoon
Hi both - thank you for your input let me clarify things a little

I allowed my ex to see her at my home in the beginning until he got to much and caused a massive row because I was too tired to have him in my home late in the evenings. I then didn't hear from him for 3 months and I sought advice from gp and health visitor about how it was most safe.

I didn't initiate any contact but I've tried to not deny it. He currently sees her every other week for a couple of hours at most at a coffee shop. This has only happened once, he did start to demand the birth certificate etc. so my thoughts are if he does this again I will stop meeting with him because even tho I've tried different steps he's still being horrible.

I will also contact womens aid, I know I need to

So hopefully things won't go down the Court road for you, hopefully everything will just settle out and his demands are just empty threats. I really hope that's how it works out for you. When I spoke to a solicitor they basically said that it can be difficult for an absent dad to get the contact they want, but it is even more difficult for you to reduce what you already offer. So I would just be very careful and think a lot about why you don't want him on the birth certificate and if that impacts what you're allowing him now because the last thing I would want to you would be for you to go down a Court road and then be backed into a corner because you've tried to do the right thing.
I understand why you don't want him on the certificate, it gives him parental rights and a sense of power over child that he clearly isn't caring for. Like I said in my last post I don't think I would put him on the certificate especially If Hv and go have also suggested that you don't, but I would just have a think about what you're doing now and if it is actually right if that makes sense!