Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

Just wanted to send you a big hug - that sounds really horrible and I think you handled that remarkably better than lots of people would have on here. I hope you’re ok and you and DH can sit down and talk calmly about what happened so you can get both some help with this

My nephew was like this when he was younger, I watched him assault my sister on multiple occasions, really brutal, having a tantrum and while she was trying to safeguard him from hurting him self, clocking her right in the face with a die-cast toy train. I have never seen anything like it. It turned out my nephew is autistic and since his diagnosis he has had a lot of support and medical intervention.

You did amazingly well, so don't give yourself a harder time than you're already having. Don't be mortified, people will just be concerned for you. I hope your cheek is OK and this phase ends soon for you, but I'd definitely speak to your GP

Sending hugs

You sound like a lovely mum. A very upsetting day for you all. This will pass. You are doing ok xx

You handled it well. I’d probably have slapped his backside hard and ended up with social work at the door. Don’t stress about it. If anyone is talking about it in your village it will be with empathy not judgment

So sorry for your loss.

It seems your all having a really hard time. Definitely don’t be hard on yourself you’re doing all your can. Toddlers can be hard work, I remember my dd screaming in the trolley the entire way around sainsburys while doing my weekly shop. I would definitely speak to your hv or gp I’m sure they will be able to help and perhaps when he’s a little older if he’s still struggling he may benefit from some play therapy. A family friend utilised this service for their children following loss and found it very beneficial.

Sending hugs and hoping things improve soon. Hang on in there, being a mum is the hardest job in the world

I’ve not read all the replies but I wanted to say that I feel for you and know what this is like. My youngest had the most hideous tantrums where he would bite, hit, pull hair and when it was really bad he would scratch and hurt himself. Tantrums could last 45 minutes. He even got dh phone and scratched it along the floor. I honestly felt like I had given birth to the devil. I asked for help when it got really bad and it took 4 months before the HV actually called me back and then she was useless. I have never felt so alone or so awful as a parent during this time. At one point I had to put him outside and close the door to protect everyone in the family. The good news is we got through it and I believe he has some slight autism and ocd behaviours, but he is intelligent and doing brilliantly at school. Hardly any friends but more normal now, apart from a few social delays.

I tried the bear hugs which can be very helpful and work sometimes (stand behind them and hug strongly so they feel the support), I tried everything and ended up in tears most of the time. It is not your fault but the way their brain works. They are out of control and don’t understand how to gain control again. Try to do a diary of when your child has a tantrum and if they were hungry, tired, over stimulated, or too much noice? Sensory overload or under load? Then you can try to sort the situation before the tantrum happens.

Please please pm me for a chat if u need to, you will get through this I promise!! Good luck!

darling, Sorry to hear this. I have been you and I was distraught like you. If I could offer one bit of advice that I wish I knew then, what I know now...forward 18 yrs and you, ur husband and he will all be laughing at this awful story. He won't believe it about himself!....Is so painful now,but does pass. No need to care what anyone else thinks. They have all been there, even if behind closed doors. I send you love. My son is 25 now and was just a little pickle for a few yrs.x Fing awful at the time.

Op, anyone who’s been a parent will just be remembering back to their own kids tantrums seeing your DS, it’s no reflection of you as his mum . Double check he’s not tired when these tantrums happen as likely to be an underlaying cause ie under the weather, tired, out of routine or reacting to things that may be going on for adults no matter how well we think we hide our emotional states from kids sometimes they have highly tuned antennas .. being a parent is tough and the best thing you can do is make sure you get lots of time to yourself to restore your energy xx
Ps my dc was a terror at this age .. he’s lovely now x

I absolutely feel for you. We were lucky in that none of our DC really had tantrums, but I can completely empathise with those that did. Eldest DD became a biter at about 2y when at a childminders and it was beginning to be a real problem. She bit me once or twice as well. The final straw came when she bit her ‘boyfriend’ at the childminders - hard, on his cheek. Childminder stepped in and bit her on the arm, and explained to me when I picked her up what she’d done and why. This was over 20 years ago and maybe things were different - we weren’t living in the UK. Anyway, I was surprised but more embarrassed by the huge bruise on the little boys face😞 Good news was that DD found out how much it hurt and never bit again. She clearly had no idea what she was doing or how much it hurt. And although she was quite easy to reason with, I think she was doing it out of frustration - she just didn’t have the words to explain what she wanted.

I’d go with other suggestions as regarding reins - we had one of the little rucksack type affairs for youngest DD and she loved it. I used to call it “stealth reins” and it also came in handy when she was on her scooter - I could use it to pull her up hills and stop her flying off on a downhill. She felt more grown-up wearing it so it was never a fight putting it on.

Really lovely that your DH is sharing the load with you. Have a good cry but don’t be embarrassed. Tantrums are horrible to be at the end of and no-one who has ever had a child will judge you.

I hope you feel better soon - I’m sure your little boy will soon understand what he’s done, and he’ll calm down as he learns to express himself with words rather than actions. It looks like everyone on MN is on your side and you’re not doing anything wrong xxx

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It is awful.
My oldest was a prolific hairpuller at that age and I too snapped once when he had both hands full of my hair as I held him, he then proceeded to headbutt me in the face. Omg the pain! I too screamed my head off as it hurt so much. Its just an instant reaction.
I went and had all my hair cut short the following day and learnt to put him in the stroller if he was having a rage. He eventually grew out of it. I found out what the sign language (makaton) for ouch/hurt was and everytime he hurt himself I used the sign/words ouch. If he hurt me or someone else I did the same sign/words ouch. I think he finally put the two together.
I hope you can weather the storm of having an angry boy. Most issues we had were over frustration over communication issues.

Sounds so tough. I've had to deal with many an epic embarrassing tantrum. We still do as although DS is 11 he's ADHD and autistic so often doesn't behave as people would expect. I've spent 11 years of feeling judged and often feeling out of control as a parent so I hear you mamma. It's tough.
When my boy was around that age we had some support from a Family Support Worker. Your HV should be able to suggest what support is available in your area. You could also try Home Start they support families in lots of ways including Family Support Workers, volunteer mentors and groups. Take whatever is on offer while you navigate this tricky stage. Keep trying to have time for yourself whenever you can. I also find my sanctuary in the bath!
Sending very best wishes xx

Sending you love op please cut yourself some slack, you've been through so much. I promise the toddler terror gets easier x

@2reefsin30knots

I know toddlers need to walk and it's good for them, but I think at this stage I would still have him in a buggy- with a good 5-point harness that he couldn't undo himself. Wheel him to the park, let him out to run around in safety, then wheel him back. It would stop you having to wrestle him next to a road.

My experience of reins is that a very determined child will just fight them. No they can't run away, but they might completely refuse to walk forwards either.

Toddlers are horrible OP, it doesn't mean he won't be a lovely little boy when some sense kicks in.

Another vote for a pram too. Toddlers get over tired and can't express this to you.

I would look at practical ways to prevent it getting so out of hand. Reins are a way forward. He is very strong willed so I think you just need to not reward it in any way. If you can see it brewing and distract him, even if it is with the promise of ice cream, do it. Once it's in full swing though. Silence. Take him home. Leave him to calm down. Don't make yourself of anyone a target.

And don't worry too much it's likely normal toddler behaviour for him and he'll outgrow it.

Second taking a buggy!

Poor you it’s horrible. talk to your Doctor or Health Visifor .Does he go to nursery or playgroup and does he behave like this .Also keep a food diary some children react to certain foods my nephew had bad behaviour due to apples !! Don’t blame yourself or your husband what about grandparents help !!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. My youngest daughter behaved this way. I couldn't go anywhere with her, see would throw herself on the floor and just scream and flay herself about when see couldn't get her own way, stab her brother hard with forks and draw blood, threaten to kill me, so much so I had to hide the knives away after I found her coming towards me with a carving knife raised a over her head telling me she hated me so much she was going to stab me to death! She used to bite chunks out of us, kick, throw things and destroy stuff when she was angry, which was most of the day. I had a new kitchen fitted years ago, she took a knife and carved chunks from every door and scratched them deeply with a screwdriver. When I asked why she had done it, she said because she hated it and it was boring. This all started from about 18 months old, so don't think you're a bad mum who can't cope, or have done something to make this happen, you havent. Doc said my daughter would grow out of it, she never did, and although she doesn't have tantrums, bite kick scratch and throw things or try to kill us like she used to, she's now 39, and is still a nasty piece of work. She's disowned me because I won't put up with her shite now. She got married 9 years ago and moved out, thank god. I will never have her back home, I would rather skint myself out and help her with rent than have her under my roof again. My grand daughter from my son is autistic and displays many of the same characteristics she did. Don't let them fob you off, go to the docs and also see your HV. Don't let them tell you he will grow out of it and make you think its your fault, it's not. Write everything down so you can just give them a note to read instead of getting upset and blurting things out they can't understand. Who cares if it's 6 pages long, they are there to help. Put everything you can think of about his behaviour, how it's making you feel how it effects the family and what you have tried so far. If they don't listen to you, ask to be referred to a pediatrician at the hospital and let them look into his behaviour

In the nicest way I don't think this is normal that your 2 year old has over powered to the point that your on floor either that or you need to be a lot firmer did you tell him off firmly OP? I would of been utterly shocked... tantrums don't bother me and I don't turn my nose up. It sounds horrendous though! You should see your GP bites can quickly esculate to a nasty infection.

Does he go to nursery?

That sounds so horrible for you.
Have a look at Hand in Hand Parenting, it’s a really radicle way of side stepping power games and dealing with behaviour.
Worked miracles in my family

@parentingsucks my DD is coming up to 2 and we live in an apartment I’m certain people would think we were awful parents the way she kicks off sometimes but as most of the posts have said people do know what a child is like.
Also stop being so hard on yourself managing a child through a hard age is hard enough let alone when you have lost a child and him a sister. I’m not an expert but maybe it’s his way of trying to process such a hard emotion when he is too small to understand. I would definitely speak to a professional.
I’m sorry for your lose and I’m sorry your Having a hard time sending love

My daughter was truly awful as a toddler. I once hid in my kitchen and wept before going back to the company we had and pretending everything was fine. But it was a phase and she grew into a lovely kind child and adult as will your son

A little girl we knew from playgroup did this to her dad. She was also screaming that she wanted her mummy. People thought she was being abducted. I happened along and confirmed he was her dad taking her home from playgroup but the poor man was mortified.

The last I heard she was at Oxford doing really well.

Two year olds can be absolute nightmares. I had two monsters and two who sailed through the terrible twos with barely a stamped foot let alone a fullblown tantrum. I don't know why children do it but most of them seem to.

Honestly almost everyone will understand and idiots who don't understand don't matter. Enjoy your bath, my mum used to tell me, "This too will pass" which is a comfort and then she'd say, "And then they start something else." Not quite so comforting.

Good luck.

I just wanted to say two things. Firstly, I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I can only imagine what you are going through. Secondly, no one who is worth your worry will judge you. There may be a reason beyond his being 2, there may not be. Anyone with kids has experienced a feeling of embarrassment but you sound to have dealt with it all as well as possible. Give yourself a break, you are doing ok.

Especially don’t worry about being judged by the GP - I suggest you make an appointment and you can get checked out and maybe mention your concerns at the same time.

I'm so sorry you went through that, my 2 year old constantly tried to scratch my eyes out, she'd be having an absolute screaming tantrum and then lunge for my eyes, I constantly had scratches all over my face and I was so embarrassed and broken, all I could do was cross her arms across her chest and quickly pull her into me, she would struggle but eventually calm down. I've no idea if it was the right thing to do but it was all I could do to keep us both safe.

The only thing I can say is it will get better, I know those sound like empty patronising words right now, but you are not alone, as others have said try and take some time for you. I really hope this ends soon for you

I understand how you feel, being a parent is so so hard. I remember my son would let us strap him in a car seat, I took him for a hair cut one day and I couldn't get him home because he would let me strap him in the car seat. I was shouting trying to shove to into the sitting position, he was screaming blue murder and his body was so stiff he wouldn't bend to sit. After over an hour I just shut him in the car, sat on the pavement and cried my eyes out. I know it is hard now but honestly does get easier. The HV gave me some triple P leaflets, there's also a course they can send you on. Hang in there xx