Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

I know toddlers need to walk and it's good for them, but I think at this stage I would still have him in a buggy- with a good 5-point harness that he couldn't undo himself. Wheel him to the park, let him out to run around in safety, then wheel him back. It would stop you having to wrestle him next to a road.

My experience of reins is that a very determined child will just fight them. No they can't run away, but they might completely refuse to walk forwards either.

Toddlers are horrible OP, it doesn't mean he won't be a lovely little boy when some sense kicks in.

So sorry for your loss. It sounds like he is picking up on something there. I still think you should see your GP about your face and his behaviour. I M sure the GP would not be surprised to find you and your toddler are both struggling to cope and would be helpful rather than judgemental.

Seriously. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed at your toddlers tantrums. Any parent will have experienced the same. In the house. Out of the house. Middle of supermarket aisle. Car park. You name it.
You’ll be getting looks of solidarity and sympathy, I promise.

Mines now 24 and a delightful chap.

I passed a mum with tantrumming toddler on the floor in Sainsbury’s a few years back. She looked at her wits end. I suggested she went further down the aisle out of direct sight, and I ‘loitered’ next to the tantrumming boy. It didn’t take long for him to come to, and realise mum was no longer next to him.

This sounds awful you poor thing, he really took it to the extreme didn't he biting your face!

But try to remember that it was all pure rage and at 2, the way they behave is all down to being unable to communicate properly in that moment. He loves you and I'm sure you are a lovely mum.

I would recommend some kind of parenting support class/ group simply because I think they can reassure us that we're doing the right things.

On a practical level, always take a pushchair or have him in reins so you can keep him safe but at arms length if this happens again, and wear your hair back for a while so he can't grab handfuls.

In the house make sure his room is safe so you can put him in there and close the door if he's hurting you.

Definitely contact your health visitor for advice. I really hope it's a quick phase that's over very soon for you.

Oh OP. I hadn’t picked up on the fact that you’d lost your daughter, and he’s lost a sister. 💐
Definitely chat with the HV or GP. I suspect his behaviour has ramped up as he’s maybe a little confused.

@parentingsucks

My DD (now 11) was very early talker, bright, articulate - and had some complete and utter violent tantrums, meltdown, scratched my face, bit etc. She’s pretty much fine now - although she does get anxious. But no violence, and lots of friends, she’s caring and considerate. She is incredibly bright and academic, particularly in English.

She needed constant input from me when she was little. It was bloody hard work. And the public embarrassment was huge. I felt unable to visit people, incredibly stressed on visits to grandparents. I think I’ve somehow learned to care as little as possible about what other people think. If they are going to judge THEY are wrong. Not me. I also had to positively dominate a situation - which takes strength and confidence (which I felt I was hugely lacking). A firm no, a physically picking up and taking DD out of the situation - putting her in a safe place (car, room, somewhere where she couldn’t bolt, I sometimes had to hold the doors handle outside the room while she kicked the door) until she calmed down, and I’d gathered myself. I found it easier then to explain why the behaviour was wrong. She absolutely needed to know that it was me calling the shots, and not her. And I had to do this with as much positivity, security, confidence and strength that I could muster. Once she started school, that significantly helped too.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My 3 year old has given me 7 months of pure hell that is only just tentatively starting to pass. I have cried in the street, ignoring kind neighbours and just sat in the car on tears. Last week I had to ring my husband to come and collect us from the doctors as he was just running and and behaving dangerously and ai then carried him like a fireman down the street with (what felt like) everyone watching. It is humiliating, but then a few people have made kind comments to me days or weeks after these events and it is a relief to not pretend everything is hunky dory and people reveal their own struggles too.
For mine, it has coincided with me being pregnant and then giving birth, so I imagine yours is going through something similar, but obviously even more sad and confusing. Similarly, myself and husband are generally quiet and calm people so definitely not exposed to anger or violence in the home. My boy also gave me bites and headbutts and hair pulls and the whole works. I am an experienced special needs and behaviour teacher too and I still totally failed to be able to manage it. I did reach out to the health visitor who was recommending a parenting course. In your situation, if there was something like this I’d take it, even if only for the solidarity of other parents. But because it seems like it has its roots in the sadness and confusion of your loss, maybe consider something like therapeutic play sessions or something similar that allows him to explore emotions in an age appropriate way. And maybe for you and your husband too. I imagine that having a devastation on this scale is extremely difficult to process when you can’t get any time or headspace because you need to keep up with your 2 yo. I had a miscarriage when mine was almost two and just didn’t have a second to process it, but with something this enormous, you need chance.
I’m so sorry because it sounds like a really rough patch. If it is any chink of hope, mine is slowly turning a corner and you sound like a lovely mum and I’m sure things will improve for you too, x

It’s fine to take the buggy everywhere for a while OP. Strap him in when he’s tantrumming or refusing to move or running into the road. Spend lots of time in local parks that are fenced so he can run around properly and use the buggy to contain him everywhere else that’s necessary. If he’s behaving fine, dump any bags in the buggy and he can old on to the side and walk with you.
Do go see the gp about the bite. You don’t want it to get infected and potentially scar. GP will have seen it before, everyone was 2years old once and some 2yr olds are biters!
Don’t worry about screaming and shouting. Your child is still learning empathy. This incident will help that along, horrible as it was. How was he afterwards, did he cry because mummy was crying too? You can get cards and puzzles about emotions, with different facial expressions on them. It might help if he can learn to recognize and name basic emotions and typical facial expressions in himself and others - I’d start with ´happy’ ´sad’ ´angry’ and ´scared’. Then you can tell him ´it hurts mummy when you pull my hair. That makes me sad’.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. 2yr olds sometimes do this and it hurts and it’s scary.

You need your DH on board and discuss strategies together. You’ve had an incredibly tough year, and you must feel no shame in seeking support. I now have DS who is 3. Very different to DD, not yet talking. I’ve decided here to seek early support with his speech - and they’ve been absolutely brilliant. I think a few years ago - I possibly might have felt a sense of failure that he isn’t talking, and blamed myself rather than getting outside support. Clearly not true, and getting support has helped him, and helped me tremendously. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have a very bright child who is going to do amazing things one day. Ask for help, there is no shame. And I think I really had to find my confidence - to deal with tantrums assertively, positively - and have a ‘battle plan’ in place (agreed with DP) - so I knew exactly what to do when DD kicked off. You will need to take charge of the situation - but do it with love/confidence and knowing that you are a great mum and you have an amazing little boy.

And my god she needed constant input. So toys/games/books out everywhere, a messy house - nursery rhymes/stories constantly playing on car journeys. I couldn’t go for a meal out without a constant supply of activity books/pens. I had to sing to her ALL the time. I honestly don’t know how I survived those first few years. She was on overdrive from the moment she got up til bedtime. I guess she was learning, learning, learning and needed as much input from me as possible. It HAS paid off - but it was bloody hard work.

That sounds awful OP. You did everything you could. It does sound like extreme behaviour from your child however. I would speak to your GP about it. He may be on the spectrum.

I’ve just read about your loss. I’m very sorry. His behaviour could well be connected. You both need support. Your GP is the best port of call

@parentingsucks

My face is very sore, but again I worry about going to a gp and having to explain what happened and it look like I'm not coping after what has happened. I will keep an eye on it. My head is still throbbing too. He did a number on me.

Hi OP, you seem to think the GP would have no experience of this. You are not alone. This happens more frequently than any of us would care to think. Your neighbours will be worried about you.

Your child has serious behavioural issues - they may be grief related. See if you can fund a counsellor for him to work with.

You also need help. He might be 2 but a mad 2yo can do damage to an adult. Are there defence classes you could take? I kniw it sounds extremely but knowing hiw to stop an attack is important.

Being really really clear with him about his behaviour is also important.

Ref your neighbours, thank them for the help. If they don't know tell them about your daughters death. It will help them understand your sons behaviour and they'll be kind to you all.

Bless you, take care xxx

Oh my love. I am so sorry for your loss. Of course this is all connected.please talk to your gp about counselling and therapy for all of you.
I lost my eldest child 5 years ago and we are all still reeling and struggling. My dc are much older, but the trauma is huge, whatever the age.

Aaah OP I hope you have been able to take some reassurance from this thread and are able to dismiss the judgemental or catastrophic replies that appear to be in the minority.
What happened to you was bloody awful and I’m not surprised you’re in bits and so sad. It was traumatic. It’s certainly an event and one that left you injured but still within normal perimeters for toddler behaviour. Maybe you take a few days to process your feelings and thoughts about what happened before making a move to prevent another incident from occurring. Your rationale will undoubtedly be clouded by worry and emotion atm. Let the dust settle.
Lots of love to you…keep an eye on that cheek. X

Firstly hope you're ok. Don't feel bad there is no shame in not being able to cope with a toddlers tantrums a HV will have heard it all before and please go get your face checked.

My sister kicked a glass door in when he was little putting one of our relatives in a&e. She was allergic to colourings.

Was there lots going on around him at the time? I wonder if he is suffering with over stimulation.

@sponge19 you sound such a delightful person clearly with perfect children who never put a foot out of place. Sadly the other 99.9% of us mere mortals are human with normal toddlers with tantrums. So put your unhelpfulness somewhere else other than knocking a mum having a tough time.

I don't have much advice but wanted you to know you're not alone. I also have a 2 year old, he bites, hits, throws everything. He's broken a gaming monitor and also a 55 inch TV from throwing. I have another 2 children who were never like this! He will break their glasses, hit them, pull their hair, scream. I really feel for you, I'm sure you're trying everything you can to stop the bad behaviour- it's very hard. 💐

Have had this and yes it's so hard. After consultations we found out what the problem was and now understand and can predict/deal with the reason behind the behaviour, not always perfectly! Not saying your child has any issues but please go forward and talk to your doctor. We didn't have a clue then when diagnosed it was crystal clear! Best of luck to you, I can empathise as went through it all. On one side the looks of shock and other very sympathetic. X

Hey, I remember my kid biting me so hard she broke the skin through my coat. What I did was speak to my health visitor and she was such a help. We all go through this so don't think any of the parents are thinking anything but understanding

@tearinghairout

Something someone said upthread sbout food rang a bell with me... once when DS was little we went out for the day with my DM. He was good as gold. In the afternoon we went for tea at a cafe and DS had orange squash. As we left he was uncontrollable, as if a switch had been flipped. He was screaming and didn't know what to do with himself. I realised he must be allergic to a food colouring in the squash. Turns out he had several allergies (which he grew out of).

I remember these being in the news. Those colourings are required to come with a warning now thank goodness. And they aren't in most drinks aimed at young children any more.

I feel for you I went through the exact same with my eldest and currently going through it with my second it is so tough I know how horrible it is but let me tell you something you are doing NOTHING wrong aggressive temper tantrums are so common in alot of toddlers you are doing an AMAZING job being a mum can be so tough I can't make your neighbors unsee what they did but when my neighbours see it I don't care I just try and restrain him and calm him down I don't care what other people think when they see that and I believe that people shouldn't care about it either tantrums are normal we can't turn them off on our kids but let me tell you you will look back on this in a few years and the child you have it would all of been worth it.
Your doing great we know it's hard now but it will get better keep your head high walking down your road

Get him tested?This is not "terrible two behaviour. This is extreme

However:
get your attitude/reaction in check op.
When you hysterically scream and cry when a 2yo is having a fit, that is just going to exacerbate the situation.

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm sure that the GP or health visitor would be supportive rather than concerned about your coping. They will see much much worse in terms of parenting honestly. Your parenting sounds absolutely normal and fine. Perhaps family therapy would be helpful to process the enormous loss you must all be feeling.

It would be worth getting a tetanus booster if you haven't had one in the last ten years (if you had a DTAP/whooping cough jab when pregnant then you're covered) as well as being aware of the potential infection risk from bites.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Nobody is judging you. My daughter was a complete nightmare and is now a very pleasant 17 year old. Xx

Wish I could give you a big hug. Same dampened to me recently. My 2 year old threw a tantrum at playgroup b3vayse she didn't want to share a toy. Started hitting her head on the floor and when I picked her up she dug her teeth right into my arm. I just had to put her down on a chair and ignore her. I sat on the chair next to her and tried not to sob. Another mum with a little one the same age told me her little one was the same and tried to comfort me as she could see I was really embarrassed. It's totally normal 2 Yr old behaviour. And I've know learnt that when she tantrums I just ignore it and it quickly stops. If I try to comfort her it get 100 x worse. Try get some you time for sure. I've just put mine into nursery 1 day a week to catch a breath x