Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

If you can leave him on the floor/ground to crack on. Dontxtalk or look at him. If you have to pick him up then don't give him access to your hair/face. Tuck him under your arm like a bloody clutch bag. If my child tried to hurt my face as I held them the were put down very swiftly and surprisingly 👀and I moved away.

@parentingsucks

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

@parentingsucks we had an horrendous time just last weekend on a mini golf course in front of lots of people. He was screaming and crying because he couldn’t play on the holes we were playing on previously because it was someone else’s turn! So when I carried him away to calm him down and distract him, he pulled my hair and bit me on the cheek! I screamed in front of everyone, highly embarrassed, his dad came to help but in the process he scratched at him and pulled out chunks of skin!

I'm so sorry this happened, toddler tantrums can be stressful. I've really no advice tbh. U could maybe get him reigns for when yous go out, if he has a tantrum just leave him on the ground to cry, scream or whatever but hold the reigns so he can't run off.

I hope ur OK x

@Marvellousmadness no need to be so mean!

I agree with the testing as OP's son clearly has very extreme tantrums, but how can she 'check herself' and 'control' her reaction?
I have a child with severe autism. Very sensory too and there was a phase of biting, usually in overwhelming situations.

Intellectually I know it wasn't aggressive, or even deliberate, but it destroyed me. I felt (and was) physically attacked and it was also bloody painful!
It would make me sob. On an emotional level your child doing that to you feels so... wrong.

OP I hope you are feeling calmer and are looking after yourself.

Ooh remember when my DS bit my cheek at that age I was so shocked and horrified I cried too. I was scared for the future! Like what kind of child have i brought into the world! Worrying over morning obviously, he's an absolutely lovely boy now but his tantrums were fierce.

It took a while for me to realise my son just couldn't take the same level of stimulation as the other children his age at that time. I'm not sure why exactly but it seems to be just the way he is. He would get so tired during trips out, I'd keep him out longer than he was capable for because I'd be with my sister and nephews (his cousins of similar age) and think they're having fun and playing so he should be fine...he often wasn't and it would result in a meltdown.

So I'm not sure what your usual sort of activity schedule is but try cutting it a bit shorter, cutting trips out altogether every few days maybe, more down time too. And maybe that will help him to feel a bit less overwhelmed by the big scary world around him.

Teeth are not for biting is a great book too.

And please don't worry about your neighbours. We have all been there

Oh op, hugs for you. My now 6 year old is as good as gold but I remember when he was about 26 months him pulling my hair out as he didn’t want to leave soft play. I remember a stranger offering to help me out - I was mortified. I accepted the help though! Also didn’t go back to soft play for a couple of years as was so awful. He still throws strops but he’s grand. One day you’ll both laugh at it. I promise!

A person is likely to scream if they are bitten to the extent the skin is broken.

Some PP have suggested, more tactfully than you, that there may be issues and to involve the GP or HV. There is no need to make the OP feel worse.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please try not to worry too much about the tantrums. My DD is the same, even down to the hair pulling. She grabbed two fistfuls of my hair once when we were trying to leave a packed beer garden. She didn't want to get in her pram so grabbed my hair & pulled while screaming as loud as she could. I was trying my hardest to prise her fingers open while not reacting. I have never felt so mortified, trying to untangle a feral toddler from your hair while you feel everyone's eyes on you is horrendous.

I can look back and laugh now. It will get better

Really sorry you're going through this op. I'm sure your neighbours are sympathetic, those who are not don't matter. I have a son who is a handful too (think handful is putting it mildly tbh), in public too and most people are wonderful and understanding. Totally normal reaction to cry too.

Recently I was walking my son into school (he's a bit older than yours) in floods of tears as he had tested me that morning, refusing to get dressed, lashing out at me, lying on the floor and refusing to walk. God knows who saw me blubbering, I was trying not to make eye contact and I know some of the teachers did see it (they already knew the struggles we've been having, wasn't a one off). I was really embarrassed at first we but are only human 💕

Maybe worth speaking to GP or Hv, they might be able to sign post you to some support. They won't judge you 💕

How is his development otherwise? How is his speech etch I only ask as sometimes frustration due to struggling to talk and other things can come out as aggression.

I hope things improve for you and your family op! I know first hand how draining raising a difficult or defiant child can be!

Honestly OP, absolutely nobody would be judging you or your child, we've all been there. My autistic 5 year old still frequently sits down, refuses to walk and screams if I try to move him. Hair pulling is also a recent thing (tho not in temper, he seems to think they are like reins to direct me to where he wants to go)..this WILL pass. Get him on reins and allow yourself loads of time to go places if possible, so if he tantrums, fine, just let him tantrum. He'll get bored eventually..
My cousin was so awful at 2 my aunt ended up yelling at him in the street. Someone stopped to criticise her & my aunt said "well if you think you can handle him - you take him!!!" And (briefly) stormed off! Said cousin is now a highly successful, calm, lovely individual without an aggressive bone in his body. This isn't a sign your son is going to grow into a horror.
This too will pass. Until then, have an unmumsnetty hug.

Is his speech and hearing good?
Young children who can't communicate properly sometimes react by screaming and throwing temper tantrums in frustration

I really feel for you- my daughter was sometimes like this when 2, apart from biting or pulling hair, she has since been diagnosed on autistic spectrum as we got better on distracting her and work out what stress her out. He might have sensory issues and the ‘tantrum’ might be a meltdown ( inability to cope with given situations, noises, smells etc) which is quite different.
I’d have this further investigated and be quite pushy about it - waiting lists are long and people try any excuse to bounce them back - we had to pay for private assessment and diagnosis and speech therapy for a year ( she had a speech understanding delay) before any NHS help came . Look after yourself

Oh god. You have my sympathies. I would definitely speak to your GP about this behaviour especially if it isn’t just a one off. In the meantime, I would suggest you watch some ‘Team Teach’ videos on YouTube. I’m a primary school teacher and have had team teach training, which is where you learn the different techniques to restrain a child, without injuring them or yourself. We were shown a technique for hair grabbing. Don’t try and pull away. Hold their hand in place and if you can, peel their fingers away. I hope it helps.

Any chance your child is mirroring your own anger?

Sorry, its sounds you are having some very difficult time. Hope you can get help.

It’s possibly outdated now, but Raising Boys by Steve Biddulf had a great section on toddler tantrums. First child was a horrible tantrum thrower. Read the book by the time had second one. He was much easier to deal with. Can’t actually remember the advice, which isn’t helpful to you. But maybe worth a look. Wishing you good vibes for it all.

It sounds like you handled this really well. My 3 year old used to scream and hit me when he was 2, made me cry many times. Hes lovely now. About to head into the terrible twos with my second now. You have my sympathy and empathy. You did nothing wrong. You just had a bad day. Every parent has them. Wine and chocolate help hugely

I'm so sorry for all you young mums posting on here. Being a mum nowadays sounds such hard work. I had a 2 year old who bit my bottom really hard when I was on the phone and I whirled round and gave her a small smack on her nappy clad bottom. I rarely smacked so she was very shocked. However, that was the last time she bit anyone.....And thinking about it, if an adult was having hysterics, what does one do now? I know what I was taught....

I feel for you and I hope you’re ok. I wish I knew why 2 year olds sometimes do this- some more violently than others. My own daughter (now 7) alarmingly hurt herself and others at 2- I’ll never forget her slapping me round the face whilst I was carrying her in an airport. I handed her to DH as my tears started - I felt like a terrible Mum at the time- asking myself what had I done so wrong for my daughter to display such aggression!? She also used to bite and slap my hands as I pushed her in the trolley at supermarkets.
I hope it might offer some comfort (even a tiny bit!) in my telling you that my daughter has grown into an exceptionally kind, sensitive and ultra loving girl.
She can’t believe the things she used to do!
I’m sure your son will be the same- please remind yourself you’re awesome, doing the best you can, and that two year olds are very much their own person- my second daughter was completely different- my parenting didn’t change, I put it totally down to personality- so please don’t be hard on yourself. Take time out for you as much as possible, hand over to DH when you’re feeling overwhelmed or feel like little one might be about to have a moment if at all possible. Most often than not we are on our own and can’t just hand our child over to someone else to help us but never be worried about showing your emotions to your child when they behave like this. They will learn in time that this is not the right way to behave! Also, try your best to let go of what other people may/may not think. Those who’ve had children will completely understand and in the end, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks! Easier said than done but I live by this. If I didn’t I would be a total mess by now! 🤪 sending love

OP don't worry about the future. As a toddler, my DS went through a phase of grabbing fistfuls of my hair and pulling hard with a calm, psychopathic look on his face. Punching other toddlers, knocking kids over like skittles in nursery and epic tantrums.
He just came in and gave me a lovely hug, told me he loves me, and did the washing up without complaining at age 14. It's tough when they're little. X

Don't be so hard on yourself. I walloped mine so hard he fell over when he bit me. I didn't mean to, it was just the shock of being bitten so hard, he made me bleed.

He just grabbed my arm and bit me and I screamed and tried to shake him off but he wouldn't let go and then suddenly he did and with my arm still flailing I basically backhanded him across the face and he fell on his bum.

I felt awful but tbh I'm glad it happened because he never did it again. I said sorry and that it was an accident but that if he hurt people then they would hurt him back whether they meant to or not.

People don't expect to get bitten and when it happens your first instinct is to throw him off. It's a reflex like blinking when something comes at your face.

You need to talk to your doctor or health visitor about his behaviour. He sounds a lot like my son who has autism. I’m not saying your son has autism but there may be some other problem that is causing your son to behave like this. He’s not necessarily being naughty but it could be the only way he knows to communicate somethings not right. Please seek help for him.

Ah what a difficult day. Very upsetting for you. Sending solidarity… it happens to us all (with the exception of the occasional perfect parent in the comments here )

Would like to add that none of my (rarely).smacked children have grown up to be violent and show no.sign of trauma so their violent, abusive upbringing (🙄) obviously had no detrimental effect on them at all. But it meant that I didn't have half as hard a time of parenting as some of you have. (Now waiting.for.the inevitable pile on!)

I also disagree that its wrong to cry or scream when he hurts you. He should see that and understand that he is hurting mummy. He needs to learn that he can't use you as a target for his rage because it hurts you and that you don't want to be with him if he hurts you. Its something all toddlers have to learn, that mummy isn't bulletproof.

Try the Instagram account: Biglittlefeelings it is geared towards understanding, empathising and helping toddlers to understand their big feelings and how to manage them. It's been invaluable for me as a parent. His impulse control and empathy are developing and currently he has pretty much zero control over them, so don't worry, it isn't personal. Just lots of big feelings from a toddler who doesn't understand what they are or how to articulate them. Sending love.