Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

So sorry about your daughter - and about this really tough day.

You sound to have been amazing. You were really hurt and embarrrassed and worried but didn't take any of it out on him.

As you can see above - he isn't evil or even bad-tempered - he is just 2. He has adult sized emotions in a tiny body and no way to explain or express himself when he is getting upset.

He won't grow into a monster.
This is temporary.

I've always wondered if you get rewarded later for all you go through with toddlers. I had a terrible 2yo who grew up to be a sweet teen and then a lovely adult.
I had a sweet 2yo who grew into a truely terrible teen and is now a lovely adult.

Be kind to yourself. That is a really tough experience you have been through.

My Aunt only bit once, after she had been bitten. Not saying I agree she should have done it but she did. Child nor Aunt bit anyone again.

My toddler used to be the same. The one thing I stuck to is, he apologies! I don’t do anything for him & he doesn’t get to play or interact with anyone until he apologies if he refuses. He goes to bed. He usually cracked before he got upstairs. But remember, you can remove him & yourself from the situation. Preferably him. If you leave he thinks he’s won. Put the boy to bed until he apologies to you. I really feel for you as it’s so hard

That's dreadful.

@caringcarer

My Aunt only bit once, after she had been bitten. Not saying I agree she should have done it but she did. Child nor Aunt bit anyone again.

I’m so sorry but this is hilarious. I once bit my auntie & she bit me back are you talking about me

@parentingsucks

My face is very sore, but again I worry about going to a gp and having to explain what happened and it look like I'm not coping after what has happened. I will keep an eye on it. My head is still throbbing too. He did a number on me.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack.

You've all had a horrible year and you are doing the best you can under very distressing circumstances.

It sounds to me like your toddler is aware of more than you thing he is, and being a toddler this is the only way he can manifest his feelings.

I think you need to stop worrying about whether people think you are coping or not (one of my DC was awful and we did everything to get help.) and go and see the GP and HV.

Have you had any counselling for your grief? And I actually think some play therapy would be good for your DS so he could process his feelings.

OP I just wanted to say, I am so sorry to read your posts. I hope you are ok 💐

I just wanted to comment on what you said about not contacting the HV/GP as they might think you aren't coping. They honestly won't think that, in fact they will think the opposite. They will honestly be glad to help and support you.

@Bigchicken

If it was you, I just want to say I’ve never admired anyone more.
That mum calmly stood in line, calmly checked out and didn’t leave the store the entire time her child was screaming & yelling.
After she checked out, she parked the trolley at the front of the store and let that child continue. As we walked by on our way out, I squeezed her arm — but I didn’t look at her or even acknowledge them; no one did.
She was magnificent. I don’t know how she did it.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss and sorry that you are now struggling with your DS. It’s horrendous what he has done but he’s just a little boy struggling with his emotions.

I second asking your GP for help, for yourself and for your DS. I think you both need help such as counselling, to process what has happened and to get through it.

So difficult for you. I'd suggest GP or HV or even a children's centre ours is run by action for children and they're a wealth of knowledge and support.

I don't recommend this, my friends child was a biter and she was dispairing, one she bit her child back. We were all a bit shock, but the child never bit again. It must be that lack of realisation that it hurts, but on the the other hand the child is frustrated, and so need to be shown how to manage/regulate those feelings. I Def don't condone biting back, but the outcome wasn't what I expected!

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. That’s impossibly hard for you to understand, let alone your little boy. You may need some antibiotics as he broke the skin on your face when he bit you, and you probably weren’t able to first aid very quickly. I wouldn’t be surprised if your child needs to see a therapist for play therapy. You’re right that his behaviour is OTT. I’m very proud of the way you’re handling him, but he does need help and so do you.

Don't worry about HV thinking you're not coping. They're there for this reason! They want for you and your child to be happy and healthy and will support you.

You need reins for him. I had both of mine in them at that age. It enables you to control them so much better. They can scream all they like but they’re not running in the road.
DS 1 (now a very normal 21 year old) pulled my hair very hard when he was three because he didn’t want to go in the car seat. I pulled him out of the car and smacked his bum several times. The hair pulling stopped but it’s not my finest moment and I never smacked him again.

I genuinely think that most normal people wouldn't think anything bad of you for your sons behaviour or your reaction. Most people would just feel sorry for you.
I'd speak to your GP and maybe look to getting some help, maybe try homestart? There is nothing wrong with asking for advice with dealing with a child's behaviour.

Good luck.

Please see someone for the bite OP. Glad you’re going to call the HV.

Take care of yourself. Sending love

OP, if I’d seen that all I would have thought is “god, poor woman. Toddlers can be an absolute nightmare. I hope she’s okay and having a better day.” Please don’t think anyone is judging you and screaming if someone bites you that hard is a totally normal reaction.

Please let go of worrying what everyone thinks - I'm sure this feels massive for you, but it really won't to anyone else and if they think anything about it, as others have said, it's likely that there's just sympathy. They're mostly going to remember, if anything, that you had a bit of a shock and were hurt, not 'parenting sucks' toddler is horrible'. It's great that it sounds like people were helpful and kind.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby - go easy on yourself. As people said this doesn't mean anything for the future of your toddler's behaviour.

My eldest had mega tantrums. My DH would try to jolly them out of it and try to reason with them. The tantrum rate increased. I lowered the boom on both of them. Tantrums were simply ignored at home. "We said, "Oh, you're having a tantrum". We just let them kick away on the floor while we did something else. It gets really tiring kicking and screaming when nobody is paying any attention. If we were out, we'd just let them scream. The frequency of tantrums dropped remarkably.

Have a look at Raising Lions by Joe Newman . On YouTube and the book. Life changing for me .. some of the advice he gives is aimed at SEN children but actually it's amazing for anyone -it's so simple and so effective Sorry you are having such a tough time.

Honestly, toddlers are a nightmare!

I have a two year old and every day is a battle.

Not much advice but any decent person with kids would only be thinking they know exactly what you're going though (some might even wish to return to the terrible twos 😁)

Sending you

So sorry for your loss. Children pick up on a lot more than you realise and they can't process what has happened or rationalise their behaviour. It definitely sounds like he's experiencing trauma - he won't understand why his parents are sad and could be wondering what's happened, has he done something? Does he talk about the baby? Do you talk to anyone? I definitely think some sort of play therapy could help a lot and perhaps you could have a look at some articles on "therapeutic parenting". Most importantly don't be hard on yourself for finding it difficult to cope and reach out to those around you to help. x

I wish we all didn't feel so judged and embarrassed when our DC throw tantrums in public, I never feel anything but empathy for other parents in that situation (and I think most people are the same) but I know that's not how it feels when it's happening to you.

You've had good advice on the thread so I've nothing useful to add but please give yourself a break, you have enough to contend with without beating yourself up on top

Oh you poor thing, I don't have any advice other than to say people do understand how tricky 2 year olds can be, your neighbours won't be judging you poorly. I am sure they will be sympathising with you or they wouldn't have come to help you would they?

One of our daughters was dreadful at 2, not so much in terms of lashing out but refusing to move, refusing to get in or out of cars, one time she asked me for something in a supermarket and her reaction to my no was to pull everything off of the shelf as quickly as possible. I remember that feeling of humiliation when strangers tried to help me with her and the shelves.

But, the stage passed snd within a few months she became the girl she is now lovely and well behaved. So don't worry people do understand, as one of the posters has said we have all been around on seen tantrums. I hope it passes quickly for you, it might be worth getting some advice on how to break your sons grip just so that you don't get hurt. Someone on here might have advice for that.

Sometimes toddlers are the cutest little angels to walk the earth and sometimes they're, for want of a better word, total arseholes. Don't worry. Everyone knows this. You don't need to be embarrassed. I'd suggest you master the art of holding a tantrumming toddler face-forwards with their back against your tummy when they're furious, that way he can't claw out your eyes or rip out your hair. That's what I do when my daughter is having an arsehole moment 😂

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You can get through this.