Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

[parentingsucks]

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

@Dairymilk50 self defense? Against a toddler? No. There is no justification for violence. Yes toddlers can be quite powerful, but OP would have been trying her best not to hurt him in the midst of it all. OP showed incredible restraint, even although she feels that even screaming and crying was not the best thing to do, I think she handled it amazingly well all things considered. Now she is looking for a path forward, and advising her to give him a smack whenever he gets out of control is unacceptable.

I think you reacted exactly how most people would have. You can hear him crying but you know that he’s safe. It sounds tough.

It might be worth looking into play therapy. Are you in contact with any bereavement charities? Also as suggested by pp’s, hv and gp.

Please don’t be embarrassed. You are doing much better than you think.

I’m sorry for your loss.

@Addi321 and @Dairymilk50 are you reading op’s posts?
Self defence! Are you having a laugh? Break away may be useful (for hair holds etc) but you don’t cure violence with violence!

OP I’m so sorry about what’s happened to you. I’ve only read your posts, not the whole thread so I’m sorry if this has been said multiple times, but there really isn’t any shame in seeking help, from your GP or HV or anyone else. You’ve had something terrible happen to you and your son is at a very difficult stage - my two year old can push me to the edge and I haven’t got recent history of trauma!I think I’d be more surprised if you were coping than if you weren’t.

Am so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby girl, grief makes anything else going wrong so much more difficult to cope with.
No one will be judging you and you handled it fine. You haven't done anything wrong and he won't grow up a psychopath. Toddlers can just be like this. Sending you huge hugs and hope your face and scalp have recovered a bit.

I know this won't go down well but if I had done that to my mother my dad would have given me a hiding I wouldn't have forgotten. I knew if I misbehaved I would be punished. I didn't misbehave.

I have since lived a fairly law abiding life, not had any need to smack my kids, who are young adults, not perfect but near enough.

Actions have consequences, normally. Kids in my school got caned for misbehaviour, none of them, as far as I know, are any the worse for it.

I don't think that does sound normal for a 2 year old. It sounds very aggressive. I would definitely look into professional help. As many have said, the health visitor may be able to help or make referrals. I struggled with my toddler (though she did nowhere near anything like that) and socialservices family support were very helpful. Solihul is also a good course.

I don't have children so is this normal to behave sp aggressively at two? If not I would take him to gp. He may need an assessment. Don't be agraid to ask for help. You did nothing wrong. I would have reacted the same way.

Op when I was a toddler, I had a tantrum and bit my mum's neck like some kind of demon. However, I didn't hurt any other children at school ever or siblings or anyone else and obviously I don't hurt people as an adult. It was something associated with being a toddler, angry at a perceived injustice. I expect the other people felt sorry for you over what happened. It's doubtful anyone was sat in judgement. If they were, they are someone who leads a pretty sheltered life.

Echo many of the comments above and feel for you as we are in the twos right now too!
Just a different suggestion to throw out there but I tend to negotiate the way out of tantrums if possible. So instead of saying no try to give them an option of two other things to choose from instead so they feel like they are choosing, I think much of tantrums are because toddlers don’t feel like they get much choice in anything.
Also distraction too, like ‘omg did you just see that giant dog, dinosaur or whatever totally crazy thing’ etc to totally distract from the tantrum.

@MyMoneyIsAllSpent

I know this won't go down well but if I had done that to my mother my dad would have given me a hiding I wouldn't have forgotten. I knew if I misbehaved I would be punished. I didn't misbehave. I have since lived a fairly law abiding life, not had any need to smack my kids, who are young adults, not perfect but near enough. Actions have consequences, normally. Kids in my school got caned for misbehaviour, none of them, as far as I know, are any the worse for it.

Well, good for you, Hyacinth

[quote Dairymilk50]@TiptowThroughTheToadstools OP has been assaulted by her own 2 year old. From her own description it would of been self defence. Tbh his behaviour need taking in hand because had it of been another child.... nursery take biting seriously kids bite yes. Not to that level though where a grown woman is being attacked on the ground. Is he really that powerful at 2?[/quote]
Wow what a way to make a parent feel absolutely sh*t about their parenting!! It is absolutely unacceptable to whack a child in ‘self defence’ or any time!

And yes two year olds are that strong. I have a two year old who pinches, scratches, bites! Everything! Not all the time just when he wants his own way + tiredness etc! It is what is known as the terrible twos! Plus absolutely normal! I work hard to parent my two year old and don’t think I do anything that encourages his behaviour!

Firstly, I think you dealt with this amazingly well today.

I would really push for an urgent appointment with your GP or HV so they can see your injuries. Or at least document them with your phone. I'm going to go against the grain here a little but none of my 3 ever physically hurt me..... and believe me when I say that they were monsters at times. This sounds like very extreme behaviour, and no wonder you're in shock.

I think most of the people that saw and came over to help you have had similar days with their young children. Try not to dwell on it and start tomorrow as a fresh day. Also ask partner to ask him why he behaved like that and give you a bit of a break

I just want to say you sound like an ace mum, the fact you still go out and face the world each day after what you’ve been through is incredible and looking after a toddler all day, please please give yourself the credit you deserve.

My toddler has just started kicking when something doesn’t go his way, I find I need to defuse the situation quickly as if it goes past a certain point there’s no return, and I try to stick to these words if he’s doing anything that even could potentially hurt anyone (even if it’s not hurting me) ‘what you’re doing right now really is hurting mummy, and hurting people isn’t a nice thing to do as it could make someone cry’ I say it calmly and whilst he obviously doesn’t understand the feelings he does understand crying so he usually tends to stop pretty quickly. But like I said if he goes past a certain point it won’t work.

Honestly nobody is judging you, and if they are, then they’re idiots. Nobody can fully control a 2 year old having a full meltdown. Be kind to yourself xx

I am sorry to read everything you have written, all of which is nothing any parent should have to go through!

but please know it's ok to ask for help! it's ok to not be coping as you or other people expect.

you are all going through something very unexpected and tragic and I hope you all find your own peace in this situation... go to the gp and be open and honest about your feelings and concerns they will not judge you for your situation or how you are dealing with it but if they can they will help you and your family... I understand the need to look strong and together and to show everyone you can deal with things, but sometimes sharing the burden is better than holding on, no one it going to judge you harshly for having a bad day.

in relation to your son, I just keep trying different ways we all go through this in different ways, it does feel a little extreme but if you are emotionally depleted it could feel things are 100% times worse and there is no end. I haven't been through want you have but I relate to your comment on not wanting to ever be seen as not coping.
Go to the gp
you mention your son has good communication - ask him when he is in good mood why he gets angry or why he hits momma, he may have more answers than you think!

and my last and final point momma - look after yourself, give yourself a break, what ever you think I can bet your doing and amazing job!

I didn’t read all the replies but just want to say, I also have a toddler like this. He hurts me and I scream out loud. He’s so violent sometimes and I don’t understand why. I’ve said out loud that I hate him (not to him) then I see he is learning to be gentle and stop biting and scratching and I see that I have to just hold on a bit longer. He’s learning xxxx

Wee ones can't process or explain emotions like us. A wee call to gp and health visitor, that is what they are there for. I think at his age they can offer play therapy which may help. He's grieving too, as you all are, compassion for yourself is needed from you.

Oh you poor thing 😞 you are absolutely NOT ALONE, my nearly two and half year old can be a right violent little bugger! I had a shoe thrown at my head earlier, I screamed at him and then we both ended up in tears cuddling in bed.
It doesn't help that thir teeth are like little triangular shark teeth, they pierce skin and hurt so much!
Stay strong mumma, you got this. Do not worry about embarrassment, I bet half the people that came and helped you (hurray for them BTW, there is hope for humanity!), went through similar with their little ones.

Sending you some strength and love, you are doing fine and you will make it through this terrible stage ❤️

@BoodleBug51

Firstly, I think you dealt with this amazingly well today.

I would really push for an urgent appointment with your GP or HV so they can see your injuries. Or at least document them with your phone. I'm going to go against the grain here a little but none of my 3 ever physically hurt me..... and believe me when I say that they were monsters at times. This sounds like very extreme behaviour, and no wonder you're in shock.

Don't panic the OP. The book 'teeth are not for biting' wasn't written for no reason, it's a bestseller!

@MyMoneyIsAllSpent

I know this won't go down well but if I had done that to my mother my dad would have given me a hiding I wouldn't have forgotten. I knew if I misbehaved I would be punished. I didn't misbehave. I have since lived a fairly law abiding life, not had any need to smack my kids, who are young adults, not perfect but near enough. Actions have consequences, normally. Kids in my school got caned for misbehaviour, none of them, as far as I know, are any the worse for it.

There you go OP, just batter your bereaved 2 year old and all your problems will be solved

@Addi321

Stop pussyfooting around and take control of a 2 year old simple as

Have you ever even met a 2 year old?

It may actually all work out ok you know. He found your boundary when he bit you and pulled your hair and has said he's sorry since. You carry on being sad, disappointed in him and hurt for as long as you like this bank holiday weekend whilst dads around to shoulder the load. He was a very naughty boy. Any sign of problems with the bite you must go and get it checked. I'm so sorry to read of your loss, this may well be part of the cause of his epic tantrums, expressing anger and sadness he's unable to articulate. Hopefully this is a one off and he knows he went too far today. Never a bad idea to have reins or the backpack thing if he's liable to run off whilst out and about, that was the one thing absolutely non negotiable when mine were young and I would have smacked them if they'd disobeyed me on that because it was dangerous and they clearly believed me when I told them what would happen if they didn't do as they were told on that one (mine are adults now so a different time). I never had to carry out the threat. With reins, then you wouldn't have to pick him up and risk a repeat of today.

As for being humiliated by him and what happened, well I wouldn't worry too much about that. Parenting has its highs and lows, most parents can recall a horrific day or two when their kids really showed them up. Most would be sympathising with you and remembering the time one of theirs did something similar, rather than judging you.

My ‘kids’ are now 23 and 21. Kids don’t have a filter at two .. they lash out if fed up, shout and scream if annoyed etc. They grow out of it.

Your ego is hurt that’s all. Because you’ve took it as a personal insult that you must be a bad parent etc. as you couldn’t control your child in that moment.

Cut yourself some slack please. If I could go back in time the one thing I’d change is not feeling so upset and worried about trying to be perfect all the time. The moments seem like forever but honestly they go by in a flash.

@MyMoneyIsAllSpent

I know this won't go down well but if I had done that to my mother my dad would have given me a hiding I wouldn't have forgotten. I knew if I misbehaved I would be punished. I didn't misbehave. I have since lived a fairly law abiding life, not had any need to smack my kids, who are young adults, not perfect but near enough. Actions have consequences, normally. Kids in my school got caned for misbehaviour, none of them, as far as I know, are any the worse for it.

Your dad would have given you, aged 2, a hiding? Sorry to hear about your shitty traumatic childhood.