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Completely humiliated by my toddler, I'm in bits

446 replies

parentingsucks · 15/04/2022 20:41

My toddler has a horrible temper and throws some epic tantrums, usual two year old behaviour I had always thought until the last few weeks where it's been getting worse. He's started being violent, hitting, biting during tantrums and screaming at us a lot. It's been a tough couple of weeks and today has just sent me over the edge. I'm trying to get away from him and calm down and I'm in the bath trying to relax and I can hear him screaming at my husband and I just want to cry.

We live in a small village on a new estate full of young families. Everyone is very friendly and greets each other by name. There isn't any anonymity. He was having an epic tantrum today as we were walking around the estate, sat down screaming trying to run into the road. I picked him up and started to carry him home and he grabbed both of his hands on to my hair and pulled as hard as he could. I could feel him ripping it out and I was panicking I put him down and tried to peel his hands off and he just pulled harder, I leant him back on to the grass desperately trying to get him off and he just pulled harder and sank his teeth into my cheek so hard it broke the skin on three places. I screamed, people who were outside came running over trying to help, I was crying hysterically, he was screaming shut up everybody, I was just crying harder as heard him he was so rude to so many people.

I got home and got away from him. I don't want to be around him at all he has upset me so much. I'm so shocked by what he did. I'm so mortified so many people saw. I'm so gutted that he is capable of behaving like this, I'm just devastated. I'm in tears again now writing what has happened. It just isn't normal, is it? What the fuck have I done wrong? He's two. I know he's tiny. I try and not get upset at him but I am so hurt by this. So, so hurt.

OP posts:
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Pebble55 · 16/04/2022 20:10

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oliviastwisted · 16/04/2022 20:11

You are going through a living hell with the loss of your child this year, that is every parents worst nightmare and no question your son will be picking up and struggling to regulate his own emotions in this context but you absolutely did not cause this for your family so you need to be very kind to yourself in dealing with it. You are doing the absolute best you can and you are human and have limits and with the grief you are experiencing you will be operating close to capacity at all times at the moment. This will get better over time and your son will learn more over time.

Definitely consider reigns and consider looking into some trauma informed parenting books because your son will likely need some different strategies given what he has experienced and what you have experienced.

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Flowers

Jewel52 · 16/04/2022 20:14

You can see from the response on here that most people understand toddlers can be little shits. Don’t see this as a reflection on your parenting as so much at 2 is about the frustration of not being able to communicate effectively. Read a few help books on parenting toddlers as they’ll reassure you that loads of others share your experiences and will give you strategies to deal with challenging behaviour. Good luck

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

SpidersAreShitheads · 16/04/2022 20:20

I think I have a slightly different view on this than the majority of PP. But I will preface this by saying I'm not intending to sound judgemental and it's meant with absolute kindness.

You were obviously shocked by your DC's aggression - and understandably so. But in your own words, "screaming" and "crying hysterically" to the extent that people outside came "running over" is quite an extreme reaction. It suggests that you're really struggling - and not really surprising given everything that you've been through.

It's awful when young children act aggressively and it IS really shocking. And of course it's normal to feel emotional about it - we're not robots.

I have twins who are both autistic but my DS has pretty high needs. When he was a toddler, he bit everything and due to his frustration, sensory difficulties etc, he used to lash out all of the time. I can't count the number of times I've been slapped around the face, hair pulled, head butted, and bitten. He's broken my skin many times - and it's been infected too. I really would second advice about getting it checked - human bites are nasty. I've been head butted so hard I thought he'd broken my nose and jaw (separate occasions). My DS wasn't verbal for a very long time and he couldn't process the world and his emotions. But it was so very hard to distance myself from the attacks. Last year he kicked me so hard in the stomach that I needed a CT scan and a trip to A&E - but in general he's the sweetest, kindest child you'll ever meet and he adores me.

I'm only saying all of this just to say that I really do understand what it's like. It's awful and overwhelming and just so bloody hard. There are still days when I sometimes feel like I can't take any more physical assaults (although nowadays - aged 12 yrs old - they're usually due to clumsiness rather than the rage attacks of his younger years).

You've had some really good practical advice on this thread about wrist reins and also the advice about not pulling away, but leaning in and making him immobile. Keeping my son out of roads was often the trigger point for us too.

Lots of us have had days when a toddler's/child's behaviour has driven us to tears. But your description of "screaming and crying hysterically" requiring others to "run over" and help sounds like a woman who's really at breaking point. There's absolutely no shame in that at all, especially with everything you've been through.

Also, some of your follow-up comments suggest that you think your child understands what they're doing. As others have said, at their age, they won't have the cognitive ability to understand consequences just yet. Your child is lashing out but not deliberately at YOU - it absolutely could just be those awful toddler years, it could be due to the loss, or there might be some SEN there. You mention your 2yr old shouting "just shut up everybody" - that sounds like auditory sensory distress, potentially.

Has your DC had their 2 yr check yet?

Your GP really isn't going to judge you but I really think you could do with seeing them. You can get your bites checked, have a conversation about your DC and have a talk about how you're feeling in yourself. Of course there's no magic wand to make everything better, but you've been through so, so much and if this happens again (which it probably will if your DC is going through this phase or SEN) you need to be in a position where you don't end up at rock bottom.

I can't tell you the times I've sat and cried my eyes out in the GP surgery. A few weeks ago I even told them on the phone that I didn't know how long I could keep on doing this. It can be bloody hard to keep going when you're struggling. Your GP is there to help you, not judge you - and you absolutely deserve some support. There's no shame at all in that. I promise you they will have seen many mums feeling overwhelmed and not coping, even without all the trauma you've experienced.

RantyAunty · 16/04/2022 20:21

Nobody is judging you. We've all been there at one time or another.

Agree with getting some reins or using the buggy if you're going to be out for a long time.

Some ideas are putting them down if you can
Pulling your hair, push their hands into your head so they can't pull back hard. Then you can squeeze the palm or wrist until they let go.
Biting, a sharp quick pinch should be enough to distract them enough to stop.

nutbrownhare15 · 16/04/2022 20:21

Haven't read the whole thread but just came on to say my 3 year old will try to bite or hurt me when overrwhelmed. It is normal. I have to try to hold her in such a way that she can't get to me and it's tough as she's wriggly. I do think it's normal behaviour as emotions are flooding through their brains and we look like the enemy. Excellent resources on coping with tantrums are Sarah Ockwell Smith, How to Talk so little kids will listen (book) and ahaparenting.com

Addi321 · 16/04/2022 20:25

Stop pussyfooting around and take control of a 2 year old simple as

Ifeelsuchafool · 16/04/2022 20:27

Speak to your health visitor or GP as soon as possible. Sorry but this sounds out of the ordinary, even for a child in the throws of the "terrible twos". I have three children, all now adult. My FB was like this, and now, aged 30, has a diagnosis of BPD. My other two had what I would term, "normal terrible twos" tantrums; not on the same scale at all. Above all, be gentle on yourself, don't blame yourself for one moment. You are doing your best and your best is good enough. It is time for specialist help. Flowers

LaDamaDeElche · 16/04/2022 20:29

Your reaction was completely normal, but for your average tantrum, this is on the extreme level. If it's a one off, then ok, but if this is the normal temper tantrum, you should see your HV or GP.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/04/2022 20:30

@Addi321

Stop pussyfooting around and take control of a 2 year old simple as

You need to read OP’s posts.

Actually she has

ZedMammy · 16/04/2022 20:33

@veggiemonster

To be honest it sounds as if you’ve handled the situation amazingly and I’m not sure there was anything you could’ve done differently. If someone of any age was pulling my hair out I’d probably be screaming too.

I agree that talking to the HV or GP might be useful.

You poor thing my thoughts are with you this sounds so hard xx

This. Keep your chin up Momma xxx
Dairymilk50 · 16/04/2022 20:34

@nutbrownhare15

Haven't read the whole thread but just came on to say my 3 year old will try to bite or hurt me when overrwhelmed. It is normal. I have to try to hold her in such a way that she can't get to me and it's tough as she's wriggly. I do think it's normal behaviour as emotions are flooding through their brains and we look like the enemy. Excellent resources on coping with tantrums are Sarah Ockwell Smith, How to Talk so little kids will listen (book) and ahaparenting.com
I know many don't want to cause OP further distress it is not normal. Hair pulling to that level and biting your mums cheek. I know mumsnet is anti smacking but my child would of got a smack long before it got to that stage!

I agree with @Addi321

TiptowThroughTheToadstools · 16/04/2022 20:38

@Addi321

Stop pussyfooting around and take control of a 2 year old simple as
Wtaf Hmm
TiptowThroughTheToadstools · 16/04/2022 20:40

Its illegal to smack in Scotland, not sure about England/Wales/Ireland, but physical violence is not the answer and terrible advice!

jade9390 · 16/04/2022 20:40

You cannot help screaming and crying when that is happening. Please stop seeing it as humiliating or your fault. People came over to help and understand.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/04/2022 20:44

@Dairymilk50

“nutbrownhare15
Haven't read the whole thread but just came on to say my 3 year old will try to bite or hurt me when overrwhelmed. It is normal. I have to try to hold her in such a way that she can't get to me and it's tough as she's wriggly. I do think it's normal behaviour as emotions are flooding through their brains and we look like the enemy. Excellent resources on coping with tantrums are Sarah Ockwell Smith, How to Talk so little kids will listen (book) and ahaparenting.com”

I know many don't want to cause OP further distress it is not normal. Hair pulling to that level and biting your mums cheek. I know mumsnet is anti smacking but my child would of got a smack long before it got to that stage!

I agree with @Addi321**

DairyMilk and Addi - you need to read the OPs posts and back off, please.

The last thing the child needs is a smack. The last thing OP needs are comments like these which are not only wrong but also out of place.

Dairymilk50 · 16/04/2022 20:45

@TiptowThroughTheToadstools OP has been assaulted by her own 2 year old. From her own description it would of been self defence. Tbh his behaviour need taking in hand because had it of been another child.... nursery take biting seriously kids bite yes. Not to that level though where a grown woman is being attacked on the ground. Is he really that powerful at 2?

alreadytaken · 16/04/2022 20:48

It's called the terrible twos for a reason. The average parent responds to that with thank god my kid is no longer at that stage or do you remember the epic tantrums our child had. Hair pulling is pretty common, biting a stage children often go through. Your gp will have seen worse and so will your health visitor.

There are teenage trolls using this site - please dont assume the unhelpful responses are actually from other parents.

Some good advice about pulling them closer so the hair pulling hurts less and about reins. We'd hold our child upsides down sometimes, (that means they cant reach your hair) or tickle them, difficult for them to tantrum if they are being tickled.

You've had a bad year, the professionals are not going to judge you for finding physical attacks painful.

FlimFlamJimJams · 16/04/2022 20:50

I'd have thought screaming and crying was exactly the right reaction - because you're showing him the consequences of his actions.

Faevern · 16/04/2022 20:56

Great post @SpidersAreShitheads

Sounds like sensory overload escalated the situation.

A one off tantrum on that level could be terrible twos but if he is repeatedly at this level (and you said he’s still shouting at DH) I would definitely monitoring him closer with support from HV and early help.

Flowers
Ridingoutthewaves · 16/04/2022 20:57

So sorry you have had such a difficult day and sorry for your loss. You sound like you’re coping fine, try not to worry about your GP judging you for not coping if you need some medical care for the bite, asking for help is ok, you have been through a lot.

Lemonsandlemonade · 16/04/2022 20:59

Hi OP firstly hope you’re doing ok today and so sorry for your loss.

Your son has been through a lot loosing a sibling is hard. Even at that young age.

With regards to your son have you heard of Winston’s Wish? They may be able offer advise with him coping with the passing of his sister.

I would contact your health visitor if you have one. Say you’re concerned about his behaviour. Nobody will judge you.

Round my parts there are parenting sessions (now on zoom) called Incredibly Years training if there is one in your area do the course it’s amazing and May help.

Sending hugs.

TequilaStories · 16/04/2022 21:02

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I really hope you have had access to counselling to help you get through this desperately sad and stressful time.

Toddlers can be complete nightmares, no normal person will be judging you. The amount of time mine would be screaming and banging their heads on the the ground couldn’t be counted. My nephew would bite and chase everyone. He threw books at my MIL head when she was driving. They are perfectly lovely young adults now.

Wouldn’t hurt to have a GP check him over just in case there is a bit more to it, that’s nothing to worry about, only so you can get some extra help if you need it.

Haysfam · 16/04/2022 21:05

At 2, my son used to bite the hair off my head and it blinkin hurt! He did grow out of it and is now a delightful 6 year old! Twos are tough. Hang in there. Getting some support from the docs or the health visitor would be a good idea. You are doing nothing wrong. Hugs

FlossyChick · 16/04/2022 21:06

I am really sorry to hear about your daughter. You have had a huge loss and trauma- would it be possible to get some therapy/talking therapy for this- to help with processing this? Your son would probably benefit from this too.
There could be underlying SEND needs - can you explore this with the HV?
Also- as a personal anecdote- one of my children was a VERY difficult toddler- violent, unreasonable, just all round tricky- it was draining - especially when my other children were hurt. She has turned into a very nice young woman- the toddler years were just grim:(

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