I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

[RedMist]

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

I was answering Grinningsoul's post. I have actually been pretty measured in my responses to the OP, in my view.

What on earth are you on about, Lisalisa, I haven't said a word about abuse!?

colditz, I think lisalisa got you mixed up with soapbox.

Lisalisa put it much better than me, soapbox.

Lisa - I think it was me that mentioned abuse in my 23.15 post.

It was in the context that you have mentioned though - the OP clearly sees what she is doing isn't appropriate but needs help to change.

Arggh - way too many crossed posts

Damn it - I'm shaking!

I just went down stairs and spoke to DH. I told him the house is making me anxious. He has some at home time this week and has agreed to give the gaff 'a good seeing to'. I feel like I took a baby step!

It is abuse GS. I know it is on every level. Screaming at a child is abuse. Giving them a good wallop and deliberately pushing him - abuse/bullying/insert term of your choice but it boils down to the same thing - WRONG WRONG WRONG.

I'll phone Parentline in the morning and I'll go back to the GP re: the prozac like you (and others) have said GS.

Colditz, I know it. I really know it. The side effects weren't mild though. i was practically on my back for half the day and I had no enthusiasm, not vitality for anything and that's scary as well. Maybe like SL said, there is a different AD which might work better for me - address the chemical imbalance in me - what ever is causing it.

Lisa - thank you. I'll give the sanctuary a go and I'll try bringing them to me at stress points, instead of screaching at them. I'll let you know how it's going.

raging temper = raging depression with me. Take the tablets. They helped me entirely. I don't even know if I would be here today without them.

oh my gosh
you are in a downward spiral and hating yourself
but hating yourself will not make you a better mum

i've almost had an embolism at times trying to deal with things

i have only one recommendation and that is this (if you can -- maybe pipe dream)

for two weeks

close your eyes to the mess in all but one room
when the children come home from school spend your entire time with them playing (yawn but do it) and reading

every weekend day take them out playing (not shopping/to the dump/whatever chores are there)

you will laugh together again and fall in love with them again it's damned true however bad things are

sorry but at this stage i would say fuck the housework
you are not going to be on your deathbed saying "i wish i did more housework" you are going to be saying "i wish I had more fun with the kids

i mean seriously, fuck everything else except falling in love with your children again
i am not mad and soppy but PRIORITIES!
i wish you the best x and stop hating yourself

Good posts lisalisa

PW's points are v good.
And lisalisa, brill post: yes, this thinking yourself into it has def worked for me.

But what do you do in those moments when you are so furious that you can't pretend to be your Nice Twin Sister?

How long did you take the tablets for though? Because I found that after 3 weeks, all the side effects were gone and I started to feel much more human.

RedMist - well done on taking the first steps to sorting this out.

I hope for yours and your family's sake that you get the appropriate treatment as soon as possible.

You sound more positive already It's always better once you have taken that first step. You said it in your second sentence "I love my kids." Of course you do - and that's why you can do this - for them. Wishing you every bit of luck in making it better and beginning to enjoy being a Mum again.

baretrees

Colditz, three months, times two lots. Both sets of time - zonked.

Falling in love with my kids again - that's it. That;s the place I want to be again.

Hmmm. There are different antidepressents though - go and tell the doctor you NEED to try something else, and that you want to go on the waiting list for councelling, if they do it in your area.

I never though councelling would help my irrational rages, but it did.

'But what do you do in those moments when you are so furious that you can't pretend to be your Nice Twin Sister?'

LOL

I think you have to just run the fuck away, don't you? Leave them to destroy the house/each other and go SOMEWHERE ELSE until you can calm down. I have been known to lock myself in the conservatory or go out into the back garden and shut the door so they can't follow me - it wouldn't win me any prizes for parenting but it's better than pushing them about or screaming, I guess.

Maybe would be even more effective if one went out into the garden and ran around it ten times, or did ten push-ups or star jumps or something - would dissipate the adrenalin and have the bonus of making your kids so surprised that they forget to behave badly?

If the prozac zonked you out, ask to try another AD, see if they can offer counselling too.
I tried 3 different AD's before I found 1 that didn't zonk me out or make me throw up.

what do you do when you have used up all the available time being calm, understanding, distracting etc and now you are really late, they are hitting/spitting at you, and you don't have time left to get away from them? i often find myself having to set off in the car feeling like my head is going to splatter all over the inside of the windscreen....

Message withdrawn

i don't want to be irresponsible but does it have to be ADs? The running will help maybe a change of diet but just some time off the bloody treadmill of crap can turn your life around. Just a couple of good days and it starts a virtuous circle of confidence, and if you can do it without ADs you get an extra boost of confidence from that maybe?
I hope I'm not being irresponsible. I have no experience of ADs so really can't offer advice in this area. I am not critical, just thinking of different approaches.

Lisa - just keep a second set of cups in the bathroom upstairs - that way you don't need to keep traipsing up and down the stairs. As they get older they can help themselves to a drink too