I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

[RedMist]

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

[Miaou]

Not read the whole thread - but two points to make: RedMist, did you try any different ADs when you had the second lot? Dh suffers from chronic depression and Fluoxetine was absolutely no good for him at all. He went back to the GPs and was prescribed Citalopram which has been very successful. I would say that it takes 3-5 weeks to settle down - if at the end of that time you are not seeing a positive benefit, then go back again. There are lots of different types of ADs out there.

And the other point re. the film crew/parenting programme - I do that!! My RL friends think I'm barmy but it really, really works for me !

[Minum]

Redmist - sorry I havent read all the posts. I've been there with anger and its horrible, you have my sympathy.

I really would encourage you to go running, as you suggested, its made so much difference to me, real time for myself, and I'm much happier and more relaxed. And thats given me the energy to sort the house out, so I feel in control, and am lots nicer to be around.

[oregonianabroad]

I'm not sure about AD's though, I was in a very similar situation a few months back. I started an evening class; read Unconditional Parenting & started a thread about it, which helped-- like you, I needed to know I wasn't the only one who struggled; and I've just gone back to work 2 days a week, which helps organise my week more, making me feel more secure.

I also note that you lost your mum from alcoholism. mine left at 14, and is an alcoholic and addicted to perscription meds, including a cocktail of ADs, which is one reason I would only resort to them as a very last option.

I sometimes find that this is the source of my anger. It's complicated but, it's like I am angry at her for not loving me as much as i love my kids. Then i get mad at them for not appreciating how much energy i am expending being the perfect mother. then i demonstrate how imperfect i am. does this make any kind of sense???

[talulasmum]

redmist;

i am so sorry you have got into this situation
i have never smacked my children, (and i have four) not because they don't drive me nuts, (because they do,) and not because i love my kids anymore than you love yours.

i dont smack my kids because i know what its like. my mother smacked me alot when i was little, for really silly things, i just think she couldn't cope sometimes. but it scared me. and i couldn't understand why the one person in the world that should love me, didn't? of course she did love me, but at the time thats how it feels.
plus, if you get into the cycle of smacking
your kids, what happens if they do something
a bit worse than the day before? do they get smacked a bit harder? you know what your doing is wrong, so thats a positive step.
i really hope you manage to get help for this. lots of love. x

[sweetgrapes]

I used to get angry with my kids too. And it's a slippery slope - the first time I hit her she and I were both shocked - but it comes easier the next time.

You need to do something about it right NOW - before you do it again.

For me - it really helps that I get up an hour earlier than everyone else and cook dinner (yes - at 5:30 in the morning) - lunch is very simple and breakfast is toast and eggs. There - that's all out of the way - now I don't worry about it and am much more at ease with my kids and can play with them and paint and stuff...

and if I am playing with them I can make sure they are not trashing the house - you know - get out one thing play with it and put it back then get something else...

And when dh comes home I go for a swim after the kids are asleep a couple of times a week - maybe more if I can.

I found it was really important to feel on top of things - otherwise I was upset and angry with myself for not keeping things straight and got more short tempered with the kids.

For the housework I follow the flylady...

See the flying thread in good housekeeping.

[Twiglett]

Redmist

Good for you

there is lots of very good advice on this thread

unfortunately there's also the standard MN condemnation of those who love to hear their own voices and can't swallow it down to answer a cry for help .. that rather infuriates me

focus on the good on the thread, and in life, eliminate the negative

and know that you are not alone .. we all have flashpoints, there are many coping with tools here .. and I am going to write them down for me too

[Flllightattendant]

ONE thing I REALLY emphasise and forgot to do...

DON@T have chocolate or caffeine in any form. That is SO much of a trigger for me.

I don't drink but I imagine it has a similar effect - things feel so much worse, I snap easily, all that - chocloate should be banned in my house. But I am working on that...

[orangina]

What an amazing thread. I too have moments of complete rage, often triggered by dd's fairly ordinary toddler behaviour (she is 2.9). I have never hit her, but I have found that I have wanted to, and had to take a big step back. I do MUCH too much shouting though, which I hate, and I know dd hates it too . I have found lots of great advice here, and will follow this thread with interest. Your plan sounds excellent Redmist, I really hope it all goes well for you....

[SueBaroo]

Completely agree with the Twigster.

[sweetheart]

Redmist - because of your courage and honesty people who have similar feelings can ready all this good advice.

I have been trying to stay calm with my dd over the last few months and although I was doing pretty well alone I have picked up some more excellent tips from this thread and I'm sure other people have too.

Now I just need to find a way to make dh relise he sometimes has these "red mist" moments!

[expatinscotland]

Well, I don't have anger problems, but I do have depression characterised by a lot of anxiety which makes me irritable, so I can see where you are coming from.

I do take Prozac. If it didn't work for me, I would go back and try something else because I owe it to my kids to be there for them the best I can.

BUT, medication is only one part of the equation, at least for me and I'd venture for both.

It's sort of like weight control - it's best managed with a combination of exercise AND diet..

By all means see the GP about yoru issues, but even if/when you're prescribed medication you must be proactive about managing your issues through your own behaviours.

I can't stress daily exercise enough, no matter how hard the time is to manage. EVERY SINGLE day get moving!
It will change your mood and your life.

Ditto some dietary changes.

It's lame, I used to be able to drink caffeine till the cows came home, but if I touch it after about 3PM I'm irritable and can't get to sleep.

If you drink, try ditching it for a month and see how it affects your moods.

Good luck!

[expatinscotland]

If you can't get out of the house, even putting on the iPod or headphones and dancing around for 10 straight minutes, a few times a day, will have a profound effect on your mood after just a few weeks - give it time, it's not instantaneous!

If I haven't slept much - common as I suffer from insomnia - I stick to Yoga for Stress Relief and Yoga for Meditation, two videos from YogaJournal/Giaam that are cheap and easy to get hold of and easy to do.

Also, have you noticed your anger is worse in winter?

You may have SAD.

[orangina]

My anger is definitely worse in winter and I'm sure I get SAD. Am now using light lamp thing and glugging st johns wort when I remember...

[oregonianabroad]

expat is right about the winter, especially if you live in the north or in scotland, as (apparently) there is so little sun up here it is hard for us to store up enough vitamin d to keep us happy throughout the winter months (or some such thing, I'm better at spouting out science than getting it right). regardless, sounds like a good excuse to book a short break in the sun -- maybe as something to look forward to and plan with the kids, and as a reward for yourself if you are getting on with your list.

obviously, not all of us can afford a winter holiday in the sun, myself included, but if this is an option for you, it could help! and if it's too expensive, a treat day to the seaside or a local farm might be just the thing to help you fall back in love with the kids again.

[oregonianabroad]

where did you get the light lamp thingie, orangina?

[marina]

Good luck redmist
I suffer from episodes of clenched fists and muttering in the kitchen of a very untidy house, so there have been loads of good tips here for me too (love Paloma's idea of being filmed)
I hope you get lots of good support in RL too, and that you can make those changes
I am doing a lot of lists and little chunks at the mo, to make our home less chaotic and more harmonious as others say, lists and oases can help regain control

[expatinscotland]

i got one of those lamps off Ebay, orangina, and it's already helped me!

even dd1 goes in front of it with me.

there is very little light here and so it is quite an adjustment.

but the good news, redmist, is that you know you have a problem and you want to do something about it!

it's not easy, sometimes it's a daily struggle for days or months on end, but it's worth it and you're not alone.

[RedMist]

Wow, loads of posts to read. Will do so shortly. In the meantime, just to let you know, the egg cup painting went OK. So far, so good.

Bloody film crew (complete with Kirsty) are helping but I even had them in the bog with me!

[niceglasses]

RedMist I wanted to say Well Done to you too. Lots of good posts on here and I wouldn't have much to add except to say I've been there, done it, still do it. Need to find a way out too. Came off ADs in the summer more by accident but maybe need to reconsider.

Its a pattern I hate and I know it from my own mother too - that flash of temper, that look of fear in the kids. Awful, but I completely know what you mean. I feel kinda disengaged from my kids and reading all these ideas of things to do just puts me to shame. I think I have completely forgotten how to connect with them/interact with them. More ideas pls! I think I have lost my way with parenting somehow in amongst all the other things.......

I'll be reading this with interest and wishing you all the best.

[PalomaPicasso]

Hey! You don't all think I'm nuts for having a fantasy film crew in the house! Who would have thought?!!

I'm getting quite fond of them. Kirsty always wears the same outfit though. I'm getting bored of her red shoes

[RedMist]

Thank you niceglasses. I feel like I put some sort of stake in the ground with my opening post last night. It's difficult to explain but once it was 'out there', and when so many people responded with ideas which I could use and with so many people cheering me on, it felt like a corner had been turned some how.

The fact that so many other people have had similar bouts of feeling as I do (although most have not allowed it to tip over in quite the same spectacular and evil fashion) just takes some of the pressure off me, which in turns, seems to have cleared the fog and allowed me to believe that I can get through this.

I have gone with the film crew idea/imagine being the earth mother type and it's got me through this evening OK. I also told the children that tonight, I was NOT going to shout and asked them if they would help me. They readily agreed.

Tomorrow, I plan on sorting the bedroom out so that it's my calm down zone or as Lisa called it - my sanctuary.

I'm seeing the GP next week and Parentline were more than helpful. Interestingly, most of what the lady said sort of matched what was being said to me on here. She's sending some stuff out to me as well.

I'm glad other people have drawn good things from this thread. It's somehow turned a very negative thing into something positive, IYSWIM?

I need to re-read this thread now and catch up with what has been said this afternoon.

Thank you to everyone who's posted. I shall keep coming back to the thread for the time being, kind of like a diary or journal, because it helps. I'll change back to my normal posting name when I feel like me again!

[baretrees]

that is so heartening! go you

i've just skimmed some of the posts since i posted and i agree they are so full of good ideas

getting up an hour earlier (my life would be perfect if I could do that)

film crew in the house

star jumps at stress moments

don't get this from parenting books eh?

onward and upward

[FrannyandZooey]

I don't think the cleaning is at the heart of this

I think on going counselling would help you to find out more about what is really going on

and to develop coping mechanisms when the mist comes

agree about battling depression and rage - exercise, going out with friends, all very useful

do you drink? don't

[Wisteria]

Ignore all the negative posts you have had - you slapped your son around the face, pushed him and felt insane anger towards him - not putting our cigarettes on his arm, punching him or starving him.

What you did is a characteristic of the overstressed Mother - wrong but understandable and you are not on your own.

You're really brave coming on and being so honest and I liked lisalisa's advice.

Have a room which is always tidy and enlist the children's help in keeping it this way if this is your anger's major trigger and ask dh to help you as well.