I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

[RedMist]

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

[RedMist]

No KM. I had a good childhood. We got the slipper a couple of times from my Dad (for stealing) and our Mum died when I was young (alcoholic who did scream a lot but I was 6 when she died so it wasn't a childhood full of abuse IYSWIM). I know where you're going with your thinking but it just doesn't fit. My dad was fantastic and I was lucky with good teachers at school and all my friend's mothers used to adopt me. I was told about periods and boys about 120 times from well meaning other mums!

It's coming from within me - like a personality trait gone mad. I am snappy and short fused(ish) by nature but not to this extent. It's like my wiring has got all messed up.

[joedar]

Sounds to me like you have a lot of surpressed anger, maybe you could do a session of counselling.

This will allow you to express your feelings allowing you to cope with the little things that seem to be huge.

I always find when I am ungrounded in myself my kids play up. They sense all is not well, feel vulnerable, need to be reassured and are trying to communicate it to you( even if it is in a negative way by fighting).

I am no doctor but talking to someone might be a better option than taking AD that just supress the emotions even more?.

Hope you get it sorted soon.

[lisalisa]

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[Alambil]

You know - it could WELL BE that your wiring is messed up.

You could actually have stopped producing seratonin (the happy hormone) and are therefore "wired wrong" ... I do think ADs will help you.

I have done the exersize and diet thing - I am still not 100% "level headed" so I also need to see the GP and I also feel the same sense of "ohmigod - I'll be dependant on pills to get me through the day and that is shit" but it really isn't shit - it really is just a problem with our wiring... We wouldn't ask if we could only have physio and not the plaster-cast for a broken leg, would we?

I have had moments like you - I shout a lot at DS - especially when he blatant ignores me... it sucks, it needs to change... perhaps we can help eachother!

[onebatmother]

RedMist - I don't think you are as unusual as everyone's telling you.

Yes - it's not great, and you do need to be addressing it.

But honestly, I think a lot of us have had dreadful moments which the are ashamed of, but recovered from.

I so know that 'falling in love with my kids again' thing, and baretrees ideas sound great.

But don't panic! One step at a time I think, as with everything.

[onebatmother]

Sorry, just read that back and it sounds a bit odd.
What I meant to say was not 'oh it's fine, carry on' but 'you're not alone in losing it once in a while, when other things aren't going well for you.'

If you keep feeling like this, then I probably would go to GP.

Thinking of you.

[EdieMcredie]

Fluoxetine? I hope your GP made a thorough assessment of your mental health needs before putting you on this. Do you think you are depressed?

I agree that your post is not very helpful Soapbox.

[EdieMcredie]

Sorry my post was far too late, have just seen lots of other posts too!

[baretrees]

love policywonk's plan to "stop the madness!" and suddenly start doing star jumps. she's right though about removing oneself from the situation if you can but it's so difficult with 4 and 6. i bet the star jump thing would work. i might try it

[onebatmother]

d'you know pol, you are right about star jumps I think, and as baretrees says. I've done that in the past when I used to get panicky symptoms (over-breathing etc) and it really did work.

I predict for 2008 author pw answers live questions on MN about her new childcare book Stop the Madness Start the sTarJumps.

[OrmIrian]

Oh dear. I've been in a similar place redmist. Even down to the untidy house winding me up to screaming point. But, largely I've avoided actually hitting or hurting my DCs - not always to my eternal shame . The one thing I would say is that I have always apologised - and never let a child go to sleep upset because of something I'd done.

I would try ADs again. Perhaps a different one? They will help. They ain't perfect and I know you can feel as if you are in a glass bubblek, but they might help get you back on an even keel.

And get some time alone, away from the house and the children.

Whatever else is true, your children are not little sh*ts. They are probably stressed out and upset by the situation.

[wilbur]

I think there's some wonderful advice here (star jumps - genius) so I won't add more, bust just wanted to say I also struggle with terrible rage surges, but have been much better since I made a concerted effort to deal with PMT and other issues. I still lost it with dd last week, but that was the first time in ages (rather than once every couple of weeks ), and I was able to calm down and apologise and not have her go to bed with me angry. I'm hoping that that in itself is an improvement. Anyway, I'm sure by looking at your behaviour and taking some of the steps here, you will be able to make big changes in your family's life. And I agree that losing your own mother so young will def have had an impact on your own parenting, even if you are not aware of it.

[FluffyMummy123]

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[Peachy]

I agree about taking the prozac- DH's temper before Prozac was vile and yes the side effects were horrendous (far worse in his case than zonked out) BUT they usually don't last that long- few weeks at most- your relationship with your kids is there for a lifetime.

parentline is good advice

Admittinga nd seeking help IS the biggest step. Well done for that

[Hulababy]

Please get help - NOW, today.

You owe it to your children to get some help.

[sweetheart]

Redmist - just wanted to post that I have moments I'm not proud of too. I'm not depressed or over strssed and I don't need drugs or help from the GP!

My dd and I are so alike that sometimes we clash and I shout and scream and rant and rave etc etc etc (have also been known to grab - probably too hard for a child ) It makes me feel like shit and I often get upset about the way I parent. For example when I go next door and find dd cuddled on the sofa watching tv with our neighbour!

Anyway, I have tried this calming down thing - letting everything wash over me a bit more and trying to breath through those boughts of red mist and it does work! Not all the time but I'm certainly getting better and hopefully in a few months I will be able to control my outbursts.

Just wanted to let you know that there are times in all our lives when our kids can push the wrong buttons AND there are healthy ways to learn to deal with it!

[RedMist]

Worse than just a cow Cod & Dino. I'm a fucking child abuser. No way to dress it up - that's what I am. If you read what Xenia has said about smacking/leaving marks etc - and I believe she knows her stuff - then that's what I am and that's what I'm living with.

I thought and thought about this thread last night. I've read it several times over. I've pulled out the good, solid, sound advice and I've made a plan.

Lewis, if you want to walk this path with me, please feel free. Someone to hold my hand, so to speak, would be very, very helpful and encouraging.

This morning, I was just about to get ratty with the children but I stopped to try and recall what I should do - bring them to me, star jumps, walk away. Whilst I was mentally going through the list of tips from this thread, the moment passed and by the time I looked up, calm was restored .

Since the kids have been in school, I've swept through the house, concentrating on only those jobs that absolutely have to be done in order for us to function.

Now I'm writing a list of the steps I need to take -

1. Phone Parent Line
   
2. Phone doctors
   
3. Sep. list of things DH needs to do/help me with in order to reduce anxiety.
   
4. Have a small activity ready for the kids to do when they get home, so they can de-stress from the day with me, doing something they enjoy (egg cup painting!)
   
   These are my first steps. I was doubtful about posting here last night but I'm bloody glad now that I did. Ladies, just writing it down for the whole world to see, pulled me up sharp and cleared my thinking. I will sort this. My kids are fab and clever and funny and loving. Shame they copped for me as a mother but I'm not an evil bad person. Just temporarily fucked up at present. BUT I HAVE A PLAN!

[moljam]

my ds suggested that mummy and daddy have star charts same as him and his sisterwe have different things to do/or behaviours to aviod and if we get enough stars at end of week we get treat.mines usually a bubble bath!

[dividedselfridgesxmaswindow]

I was a bit like this. My life was out of control, and so my parening and my children's behaviour was too. We're coming out of it too.

i took antidepressants, and whilst I do not believe I suffered with depression exactly (neither does my therapist), they have helped me to be calmer and rational and experience less of that, ummm, red mist I guess!

When I lived with xdp and he was hospitalised with severe mental health problems, he poutreach nurse spoke to me about the huge stress I flet regarding mess and lack of control in my home. She said 'do you ever think that maybe the need for control over your home psace is representative of the loss of control over all other areas of your life?' I have to agree, after much consideration of her question. and, whilst I'll always be a stickler for order and a degree of tidiness I now realise that sometimes it's about other things.

I hate Prozac too but I put up with the side effects to come vaguely out the other side and weaned myself off just before xmas. I did stop outright around October and went masssively downhill. Just to warn you.

Hope my ramble might mean soem nthing to you. Have you ever done a parenting course so at least you have some solid strategies to try and fall back on where possible?

[FluffyMummy123]

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[Hulababy]

That is great to hear RedMist - good luck.