I'm so viscious towards my children. I feel so much venom towards them.

[RedMist]

Name change regular.

I love my kids. They make me smile and proud.

Sometimes though, they drive me nuts. Actually, a lot of the time they drive me nuts. Like I have no time for them and they are nothing but an embuggarance. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

They mither for food and sweets a lot.

They prod, poke and provoke each other.

They trash every room, indeed even little corners I've just managed to organise or tidy. We live in a shit tip, no matter how long I spend clearing up & cleaning.

My son is 6.5 My daughter is 4.5.

I've started to lash out, really visciously. Tonight, I smacked my son across his face because he;d pushed his sister when he'd walked in the room. Then I started pushing him and saying "How do you like it eh? How do you like it when a bigger person pushes you around?"

Then I sent them to bed and refused to kiss my son good night. I was still shaking with anger at him for deliberately being a little shit.

My daughter pushes my buttons as well. She snaps and snarls and is deliberately rude, to gain attention. She whines and whines until my head feels like it's exploding.

I've read the parenting books. I know the right way to discipline. I just seem to have lost the ability to do it. I'm irrational and short-fused when ever the children are around.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I went to GP and he gave me fluxatine (sp?) - basically, prozac. It zonked me out so I stopped it.

Where do I turn to next. What shall I do?

I'm married and my DH helps with the children but he's quite untidy as well - simple DIY jobs for example, always end up with every tool and all the associated crap, just left lying around, waiting for me to clear them away. So that just adds to everything.

I need answers Mumsnet, or at least a place to start resolving this.

Any advice?

[Habbibu]

Nice response, evelyn, and it's understandable that you were feeling particularly sensitive about the subject. It is a really difficult thing to discuss, and this thread really is quite amazing.

[missorinoco]

saw this thread when it started out, and have just reread it now. it is a fantastic thread. so many helpful ideas. i now have a list of tricks to try to work with.

thankyou redmist, both for starting it, and for moving it out of chat. and also to so many others for your honesty and great suggestions.

[RedMist]

I've been keeping up with this thread and I've read parts of it again, on a number of occasions. I have reverted back to my normal MN name and been happily poking around other threads again but I am really glad we got this shifted into a more permanent spot. It's bbeen lovely to hear that other parents have benefitted.

We continue to progress here, albeit with a few hitches.

I'm still waiting for my counselling to start - apparently, the waiting list is very long

In the meantime, we've been entertaining the film crew and pretending very hard to be happy, huggy, right-on parents, even when we didn't feel like anything of the sort!

My kids have pushed and pushed me on several occasions, almost as bad as the night I started this thread, but I've followed the advice given here and we've weathered each storm OK.

Back in a bit.

[VanillaPumpkin]

Well done Red Mist . Onwards and upwards. This is a great thread!

[robinredbreast]

way to go redmist kep us posted and keep up the great work

[miku]

just to say that this thread has really encouraged me, and prompted me to take some action on a situation that was beginning to get out of control, as you were, redmist,and im on a waiting list for councelling too, but i got in touch with parentline, and now get a fantastic weekly support phonecall from them, and when ive felt myself losing it, ive just rung them to calm down!
fantastic, and now feeling alot more positive.so thanks, chuck!

[HereWeGoRoundTheMulberryBag]

Message withdrawn

[miku]

lol HereWeGo! i know that voice!mine is slightly wobbly around the edges until ive heard it and calmed down!!!its for ME, that voice not the dd!!but yeh, it works, when i remember to do it. thanks for your penny dropped-itll make me think next time dd starts playing up.

[RedMist]

Hello

It's been some time since I visited this thread but I thought I'd have a read through today. I can't believe how far we, as a family, have come.

The film crew are still with us and the thinking ourselves into being lubbly jubbly parents works a treat.

The children are much calmer now-a-days, I think because we are but also, maybe they've both grown out of an awkward phase. Probably a bit of both.

I have pinpointed exactly when I'm at my lowest - it's PMT for sure. About a week and half before my period, I can feel myself 'turning'! Identifying this as my weak link has been a major break through.

Thank you all, once again, for your shared experiences, insight, common sense and encouragement.

[GeoffWode]

Well done RedMist

This thread has been helpful to me too. Thank you for starting it

[margoandjerry]

redmist I remember your brave post. Your update has really gladdened my heart today. Not because you were doing things so wrong before but because you sound so much happier. What a brilliant mum to tackle the issues you raised.

[misdee]

i avoided this thread most of the time last time, as i wasnt sure what it would contain.

lately there has been some 'redmist' moments in my household, so am going to read through this later on and see what tips i can gleam from it.

but i find i am getting irate with dh when he gets all shouty at the dd's, yet cant seem to stop myself.

[lisasimpson]

Just curious - did you manage to find anything to help with the PMT as I feel exactly the same each month! and great news that things have improved

[RedMist]

Please read it misdee - it starts off badly (my OP!) but the help and advice is amazing.

I'm trying angas castus (sp?). No massive difference yet but they say it needs 3 months to kick in! Now we know what the problem is, DH and I have devised ways to keep things calm - like he throws me out to walk around the block and he does the bath/bedroom routine for a few nights because we know it's a flash point. I know it doesn't sound much but it helps so much.

When he hasn't been here and I know I'm getting wound up, I tell the children I'm turning in to 'shouty mummy', so I'm just popping in to the garden for a minute to let the fresh air cool me down! They get it! They wave to me whilst I'm out there and they know that they need to modify their behaviour to compensate for mine - it's like a partnership with my children!

[VanillaPumpkin]

Oh lovely update RedMist! Well done you. You sound so in control.
This was/is a fab thread. I remember reading it (though not sure if I commented ....) and gained some really good ideas from it.
My dh does bath and bedtime every night (unless he is away) and it makes a huge difference to me. I have peaceful washing up time while he copes with the end of the day stuff upstairs. He has the patience that I may well have run out of by then .
How far you have come!!!!

[blushingpinkmist]

Redmist have just come across this thread, haven't read it all, but it is like reading about myself! I too have recently realised that I turn into a she-devil towards the children a week or so before my period. Somebody recommended Vit B6, which I have just started taking this month, but I will also try the agnus castus (sp?) thing too. DH and I have massive rows about my anger and my lack of ability to control it. I really like your idea about telling the children you're turning into "shouty mummy" and need to calm down. DS1 has taken to telling me to stop shouting which makes me feel dreadful. What really upsets me is that shouting goes against everything I believe in as a parent, so I always hate myself for it afterwards. I too have changed my name for this thread as I am so embarrassed at my behaviour

[navyeyelasH]

Hi I just wanted to say that I am a child carer in Bristol and if any parents are feeling swamped like the OP Redmist was (well done for getting it all back together! Must have been very hard you you should be so very proud of yourself!) please feel free to get in contact. I can provide 2-4 hours of free childcare a week for you to unwind a little and am in Bristol area. Wont solve everything but will be a good start.

www.hayleyevans.co.uk

All the best MN'rs xxxxx

[Loriycs]

Hi there,Hope youve managed to get some help, how are things going. i recognize the angry symptoms from when i has PND. Its awful. I knew i was like it but couldnt help it. My DH went through hell. I was put on antidepressants too, began with an F, not sure if its the same ones you were prescribed, but they made me worse and after a few weeks on them i experienced awful thoughts towards my family. I would literally try to shake them from my mind.Eventually i realised it was the medication causing the thoughts and not the depression. I stopped taking them and went back to GP. She then prscribed citalopram which has ben a godsend. Im calm and rational on it, never have been spaced out or sleepy, no side effects in fact to report. Remember that theres no shame in needing medication and also that not all anti depressants work in the same for everyone. Hope youve found something that suits you. Keep us posted. We here to support.

[Pusich]

Hello

Thank you Redmist. I found this post after I did a google search for "PMT,smacked my toddler". I was so desperate to see if I was alone or not. I am so thankful you were brave enough to post.
I have smacked in anger and if I am honest I will probably end up doing it again at some point _ I can't fix myself overnight and re-programme learned behaviour so quickly BUT while I am seeking help and acting on much of the advice you have recieved ( all aspects - counselling, making my day more manageable, identifying triggers etc etc) I am finding that being kinder to myself and breaking the cycle of guilt is helping hugely.Guilt actually has been fuelling my anger - it's an awful cycle to be in so today as soon as I calmed down I talked and held my child close and said sorry. We agreed that mummy had been naughty and we talked about how it makes us feel when someone shouts and hurts us and we made friends and then I let it go and we both moved on and ended up having a good day and he went to bed happy.
I try and put it all into perspective and when I balance out all the good things that are happening in our family and the good parenting that is happening too, I forgive myself for those occasional nightmare moments when I am just human,just a tired, stressed mum wanting to be perfect and failing. It breaks my heart but I have to find a way forward and guilt isn't it.

Being open about all of this and targeting unhealthy,unsafe anger is something that will make my little family stronger, and wiser and more in touch with the truth of human emotions.It's not making excuses for it or trying to make myself feel better.It is just the right, positive, honest thing to do.
Anyway, you are not alone - and neither am I.
Huge smile on my face. Thank you.

[Moogatron]

Are you on the pill? Sometimes this can make you more ragey than normal? Radio 4 recently broadcast a programme where the NHS is realising that anger is a mental health issue. Go for counselling. My grandmother was a very angry person when she had children. Its horrible for all concerned. Perhaps youi have PND but didn't realise it?

[RedMist]

Just been re-reading some of the posts on this thread and catching up with posts that have appeared since I last looked.

Everything here is much calmer. It's been a bit tense over the last few months with family troubles (which I've posted about under my regular name) and work issues with DH etc, however, the film crew are still with us .

There was one tip on here which was basically, imagine yourself as a beautiful, lentil weaving, Ma Walton type mother and after a while, you start to become the imagined mother! Well, OK, so Ma Walton I am not BUT there are things I do now which stemmed from this exercise/tip and now I do them or think them without giving it any thought.

The biggest relief was getting one room at a time sorted and organised. Rather than trying to do everything in one go and then it all getting on top of me, each week, I chose one room and bottomed it. So each room gets messed up but I and DH can do a very fast tidy up - we BOTH operate better when we feel organised and in control of our surroundings. I don't mean a perfect house (perfect houses with children in them I find quite spooky to be honest!) but what I would call 'straight' - IYKWIM.

[HaveChangedNameForThis]

Red Mist thank you so much for the update