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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
margegunderson · 27/03/2022 21:05

Apologies if someone has already suggested this but is she showing any signs of puberty? This is the sort of thing I might expect to blow up in the run up to periods beginning. Might be hormonal.

BingBangB0ng · 27/03/2022 21:05

The idea that the only relevant question is determining who is “to blame” and who is the victim is unhelpful in a lot of contexts, but particularly when you’re talking about an 11-year-old and her mother.

Yes, there’s nothing that makes physical violence justified. But the child was violent, so what now? Surely the goal is to both make it clear it’s not acceptable and understand the strong emotions that led them to totally lose their shit. The aim is a happy home not being able to proclaim yourself a perfect victim.

I see more understanding towards parents who lose their temper and hit their kids than I do towards a child who did the same thing, which seems so off.

BoodleBug51 · 27/03/2022 21:05

Let it go for tonight, you've dealt with the immediate. What's done is done. We all react in ways that we regret with hindsight.

She needs to know that the violence will never happen again in your family home, and I'd honestly get professional help on this. Your GP may have suggestions by phone if they're contactable. Or find a private specialist counsellor. In a few years time, she's going to be physically stronger and fuelled by hormones.

You must be in shock tonight, and I hope you're going easy on yourself. Take a deep breath, and wait for DH to come home for some much needed support. And don't hand any of her tech back under any circumstances, I think she needs to earn that privilege back.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2022 21:05

I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

Of course! I talk a brilliant game of parenting on here but I have terrible days. I have also done a few parenting courses, read a lot of books and worked a lot on myself. And having a tween/toddler combo is terribly hard.

Deep breath, forgive yourself, give her the chance to make amends without shame or guilt, move on.

I agree with others that the violence is zero tolerance. Everything else,; massively more tolerance, humour and fun.

DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 21:05

A good smack to remind her who's in charge

Confused
TrippinEdBalls · 27/03/2022 21:07

There is nothing worse than a parent announce how disappointed in you they are as a child on a day that is in effect a bloody useless money making day

Personally I think being hit around the head and having your office deliberately trashed is quite a lot worse, but apparently that's a very minority view!

I'm not say that the OP handled everything perfectly, and if the DD had reacted by swearing at her or slamming a door I'd be in complete agreement that OP should look to her own behaviour. But she reacted with an assault. If she had done the same thing to any other adult besides her parent it could have had legal consequences. It's astounding to me that people want to go down this route of blaming the OP.

Innocenta · 27/03/2022 21:08

@NorthSouthcatlady

I’m concerned by the minimising by some people on this thread. If it said boyfriend / partner / fiancé / husband then the cry would be LTB. I would be raining down a world of punishment on her, starting with tidying up all the mess. She made it = she tidy it up. Followed by no phone / laptop etc. You can’t physically assault people if they say stuff you don’t like Hmm
It's absurd to suggest direct equivalence between an adult male abuser and an eleven year old girl.
ihatesoaps · 27/03/2022 21:08

@Pumperthepumper

I think you need to calm yourself down. You guilt tripped her and backed her into a corner. Do further punishments mean she didn’t push you? No. So give them back and talk to her about her reaction.
Are you being serious?!
DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 21:09

@NorthSouthcatlady

I’m concerned by the minimising by some people on this thread. If it said boyfriend / partner / fiancé / husband then the cry would be LTB. I would be raining down a world of punishment on her, starting with tidying up all the mess. She made it = she tidy it up. Followed by no phone / laptop etc. You can’t physically assault people if they say stuff you don’t like Hmm
OP's daughter is a child.
tkwal · 27/03/2022 21:09

DomesticatedZombie
So either you're teaching her that hitting others IS acceptable or that it's OK for others to hit her but she can't retaliate ?

BingBangB0ng · 27/03/2022 21:09

@NorthSouthcatlady

I’m concerned by the minimising by some people on this thread. If it said boyfriend / partner / fiancé / husband then the cry would be LTB. I would be raining down a world of punishment on her, starting with tidying up all the mess. She made it = she tidy it up. Followed by no phone / laptop etc. You can’t physically assault people if they say stuff you don’t like Hmm
If my husband treated me like my toddler he’d be in prison. So what? How is this a helpful comparison?

An 11-year-old isn’t a toddler but they’re not ad a daily either, and the power dynamic between a parent and child leans heavily towards the adult. It’s still explicitly legal for the adult to physically assault the child in England.

sharksarecool · 27/03/2022 21:09

@pumperthepumper
Are you secretly the OPs daughter?
You sound ridiculous, like a petulant child.

Since you have such strong feelings about how to parent an 11 year old, perhaps you could share your credentials: are you over 25? Or even over 18? What experience do you have of parenting 11 year olds? Experience of working with children/families?

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Try to avoid engaging with her and let DH deal with it when he gets back

Hairyfairy01 · 27/03/2022 21:09

I cannot believe that people are blaming the OP here! No matter what she did or didn't do, a nearly 12 year old should not be reacting this way. I'm so sorry that she did OP. I have no idea what I would do to be honest but I guess contacting the school for advice could be a first resort? Pastoral care has vastly improved in recent years.

DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 21:09

@tkwal

DomesticatedZombie So either you're teaching her that hitting others IS acceptable or that it's OK for others to hit her but she can't retaliate ?
Eh?
BingBangB0ng · 27/03/2022 21:10

@TrippinEdBalls

There is nothing worse than a parent announce how disappointed in you they are as a child on a day that is in effect a bloody useless money making day

Personally I think being hit around the head and having your office deliberately trashed is quite a lot worse, but apparently that's a very minority view!

I'm not say that the OP handled everything perfectly, and if the DD had reacted by swearing at her or slamming a door I'd be in complete agreement that OP should look to her own behaviour. But she reacted with an assault. If she had done the same thing to any other adult besides her parent it could have had legal consequences. It's astounding to me that people want to go down this route of blaming the OP.

She should look to her own behaviour and the daughter’s reaction wasn’t acceptable and wouldn’t be in any circumstance.

The latter part doesn’t make the former less true.

speakout · 27/03/2022 21:12

I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day.

Big mistake.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 21:12

@TrippinEdBalls

There is nothing worse than a parent announce how disappointed in you they are as a child on a day that is in effect a bloody useless money making day

Personally I think being hit around the head and having your office deliberately trashed is quite a lot worse, but apparently that's a very minority view!

I'm not say that the OP handled everything perfectly, and if the DD had reacted by swearing at her or slamming a door I'd be in complete agreement that OP should look to her own behaviour. But she reacted with an assault. If she had done the same thing to any other adult besides her parent it could have had legal consequences. It's astounding to me that people want to go down this route of blaming the OP.

An angry child lashsing out physically, not a lot of difference in the moment between slamming the door, screaming in mums face, hitting mum and trashing her office

So the root is the same, how it came out is the difference, it doesnt indicate its a more serious root just because the outcome was more dangerous

She was furious with her mum, her mum was the target and it wouldnt surprise me if when she was teasing and hurting her brother that was also aimed at mum too

Thats why the whole family dynamic needs looking at

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 27/03/2022 21:14

Losing your temper as she did is exhilarating and feels powerful for a few short moments. She’ll be feeling rubbish now. You’re doing the right thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2022 21:14

If it said boyfriend / partner / fiancé / husband then the cry would be LTB.

Well of course. Because they are; a) adult and therefore fully responsible for their own actions, b) have other places they can live, c) aren't being currently parented by the OP.

Typically younger children (barring adoption etc.) are entirely the result of the parents' genes and the parents' parenting. You can't just pretend their behaviour comes from nowhere. You have power here, you have agency.

Katya213 · 27/03/2022 21:15

If that was my household, she would never EVER get the chance to do that again, they’d be no talking about it.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 27/03/2022 21:15

@margegunderson

Apologies if someone has already suggested this but is she showing any signs of puberty? This is the sort of thing I might expect to blow up in the run up to periods beginning. Might be hormonal.
So in the run up to girls getting their period its expected that they may punch their mother repeatedly in the head???
SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 21:16

@Pumperthepumper

I think you need to calm yourself down. You guilt tripped her and backed her into a corner. Do further punishments mean she didn’t push you? No. So give them back and talk to her about her reaction.
Good lord are you serious? Give her her devices back after she ASSAULTED her mother? Just because OP said something you don't agree with? Bloody hell. This is what is wrong with society. Parenting like this above ⬆️
TrippinEdBalls · 27/03/2022 21:16

An angry child lashsing out physically, not a lot of difference in the moment between slamming the door, screaming in mums face, hitting mum and trashing her office

Do you really and honestly think that? If it were directed at you or, say, another child at school you'd see no difference between her slamming the door and her pushing someone to the floor, hitting them in the head and then trashing their belongings?

Comedycook · 27/03/2022 21:16

if that was my household, she would never EVER get the chance to do that again, they’d be no talking about it

Please tell us how you'd do that?

Swayingpalmtrees · 27/03/2022 21:16

If she were my dd I would be seriously, seriously concerned about her - what is happening at school/being bullied/sexual abuse or online. I would be extremely worried for her. This would be my over riding concern. My first instinct would be to hug her and ask her what on earth is going on. Extreme violence and loss of control to this degree would indicate to me that something very seriously was going wrong for her.
Only after exhausting all possible reasons - would I start investigating early stages of psychopathy or sociopathy and getting supper/assessments. Which I think you were alluding to with a lack of empathy. Pre teens and teens are not generally that empathic by nature/biology,

I would be getting to the bottom of this - I would stop at nothing to find out. It’s not normal. I am sorry you were hurt op, but I think there is more to this.