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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
LarryUnderwood · 27/03/2022 21:17

@mistermagpie yes we went private. I looked on the BACP website and found someone near us. It was expensive (can't remember exactly but at least £50 per session) but so worth it. We'd got locked into patterns of behaviour from our own childhoods and it was not working.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 21:18

@Katya213

If that was my household, she would never EVER get the chance to do that again, they’d be no talking about it.
How?
Gonnagetgoing · 27/03/2022 21:18

From my own experience, what do you do if age gets upset or angry? My DM used to follow me and not leave me alone when I was a teenager (with PMT) when I needed space to calm down, plus I had hormones going around in my head and body. I never hit though.

sdra · 27/03/2022 21:18

has anything like this happened before? I know this incident is very shocking for you but it seems perhaps that really it was the final straw for her about something much deeper. Like, is she envious of her brother? What is your relationship like day to day? There is no excusing violence but I think you could both do with some family counselling, and for her some one on one to really get to the root of the problem. The relationship is ruptured and needs deep repair which may take time.

DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 21:19

@Swayingpalmtrees

If she were my dd I would be seriously, seriously concerned about her - what is happening at school/being bullied/sexual abuse or online. I would be extremely worried for her. This would be my over riding concern. My first instinct would be to hug her and ask her what on earth is going on. Extreme violence and loss of control to this degree would indicate to me that something very seriously was going wrong for her. Only after exhausting all possible reasons - would I start investigating early stages of psychopathy or sociopathy and getting supper/assessments. Which I think you were alluding to with a lack of empathy. Pre teens and teens are not generally that empathic by nature/biology,

I would be getting to the bottom of this - I would stop at nothing to find out. It’s not normal. I am sorry you were hurt op, but I think there is more to this.

Yes. I would also bear in mind that some people find emotional regulation much harder than others, too, though.
SaySomethingMan · 27/03/2022 21:19

@Mummyoflittledragon

My dd is 13, almost 14 and this is the first year that she’s really understood about Mother’s Day and what it should / could mean to me. There is absolutely no way she would have had the emotional maturity and empathy you seem to be expecting from your dd at 11. Tweens lose empathy for a while. It’s 100% developmental.

Dd is actually quite mature for her age and was telling me earlier her friends aren’t being very nice to their mums as they don’t want to spend the day with their mums and so forth. I held back a little giggle. This time last year, this was totally dd and she spent the day out with her mates. But she’s grown up and her empathy is starting to come back. The words she wrote in the card were awesome and in a way more like when she was little so I think we perhaps are starting to get over this really difficult hump of teenage angst and hopefully soon the 0-60 anger.

This is also the first year she remembered to get my present and card herself without being prompted and so forth. Still didn’t stop her from being moody af when I said I wanted help to clean out the hamster, change the beds and read for 20 mins!

Rather like @MrsTerryPratchett, I have a mother, who used to guilt trip me. Always disappointed in me for some such thing. It was really emotionally damaging and I remember having a physical fight with her when I was about 14 because she was so bloody horrible to me once too often. I felt totally worthless and always ashamed of myself, not helped by my bullying brother, whom she didn’t keep in check. It was an awful time for me.

I also don’t think punishing your dd is going to help. This will only serve to intensify the feelings of shame it sounds like she felt after what you and your ds said. You’ve just hit a bit of a gulp, crisis moment. It would be great if you could make this a learning opportunity for you all and to find a way to connect with your dd. No more guilt tripping and blame.

All children are different and I don’t think OP is unreasonable to expect a card, at least, from a 12 year old. A 12 year old should be able to make a simple card and say sorry, in this situation imho. Something is not right, OP.

Mine have been independently making me cards ( on A4 paper) since they were quite small. I won’t say the extent my tweens have gone to today for mothers’ day, with DH being away, but I’ve been completely blown away even though I always say my children are genuinely kind and caring.

I think your DD needs help urgently, OP. If she’s been able to do this to you at 11, I dread to think what she’ll do when she’s older and stronger. Your other DC don’t deserve to be treated like this in their own home either.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 21:19

@SpringsSprung yes, I’m serious. Punishments don’t work.

Miriam101 · 27/03/2022 21:20

Absolutely flabbergasted at some of the responses here, making it all about the OP “guilt tripping” her kids. Her child repeatedly assaulted her! OP I am so sorry, for what happened and also for some of the gobsmackingly dense and unhelpful replies you’ve had here. I hope you seek external help for your daughter’s anger issues - I think you know that this is something you should act on.

SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 21:20

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH. OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.
✨THIS!✨
Foxglovesandlilacs86 · 27/03/2022 21:20

I don’t think anyone else has said this but I can’t believe you let an 11 year old hit you and get away with it. She sounds awful and you sound like a walkover. (Can’t think of a nicer way to put it than that, sorry)

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 21:21

I've run her a bath which she has had and told her I love her and we will talk tomorrow. Hopefully she's off to sleep. She is not conciliatory, she is still defensive :(

To the posters mentioning the 2 yo maybe I worded a prior post badly but of course I don't expect anything or an apology from her, the conversation was with my 2 eldest, the toddler was busy putting lasagne in her hair rather than in her mouth.

I am drawn to a couple of posters who mentioned being externally confident/achieving but internally were anxious and angry due to ADHD. DD is a deep thinker, quick to be embarrassed, quick to anger and I think she does get anxious, she also lacks focus at times (takes ages to get ready/forgets basics like brushing teeth without being reminded ).

I am also trying to reflect on if I am a guilt tripper, maybe I do phrase things in that type of way sometimes and I am going to reflect on that because I want a good relationship with my children, I love them with all my heart and I want to raise them so they can be the people they want to be. This violence isn't my daughter, it's not who she is at any level. It was a reaction/action and I need to find a way to help her never have that reaction again.

Thank you to all the kind words, it has been a shitty day but I appreciate the virtual support.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 27/03/2022 21:22

@TrippinEdBalls

An angry child lashsing out physically, not a lot of difference in the moment between slamming the door, screaming in mums face, hitting mum and trashing her office

Do you really and honestly think that? If it were directed at you or, say, another child at school you'd see no difference between her slamming the door and her pushing someone to the floor, hitting them in the head and then trashing their belongings?

Try reading what I said

In terms of the child and the lashing out in the moment, there isnt a huge difference in terms of how the physicality comes out, quite often the anger could be directed physically at a person, a sibling, a parent, a teacher, school peer, or it might be at an object (in this case it was both, her mum and her mums belongings)

But the root is the same no matter what course the physicality takes. She doesnt feel less angry at mum if she had 'only' trashed the office and not hit her mum. Its just the way she chose to display it.

Katya213 · 27/03/2022 21:22

@Comedycook

if that was my household, she would never EVER get the chance to do that again, they’d be no talking about it

Please tell us how you'd do that?

No!
Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 21:23

[quote sharksarecool]@pumperthepumper
Are you secretly the OPs daughter?
You sound ridiculous, like a petulant child.

Since you have such strong feelings about how to parent an 11 year old, perhaps you could share your credentials: are you over 25? Or even over 18? What experience do you have of parenting 11 year olds? Experience of working with children/families?

OP, I'm sorry this has happened to you. Try to avoid engaging with her and let DH deal with it when he gets back[/quote]
Yes, I’m over 18 and over 25. I’ve got experience of parenting 11 years olds and I’m a teacher with plenty of experience working with children/families.

MissyB1 · 27/03/2022 21:23

@Pumperthepumper

I think you need to calm yourself down. You guilt tripped her and backed her into a corner. Do further punishments mean she didn’t push you? No. So give them back and talk to her about her reaction.
Eugh I hate victim blaming. If your kids were violent towards someone would you always find a reason to blame the other person? Yes I suspect you would…
Porridgealert · 27/03/2022 21:23

Op, I'm sorry you experienced that. I don't see anything wrong in what you did. It's totally reasonable to prompt them to give you the card and present their father bought because they couldn't even be bothered to do that. And in my house it was totally reasonable to expect never to be knocked to the ground and hit around the head before having the furniture smashed up.
Possibly I just had higher expectations of my children than some posters on this thread.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/03/2022 21:24

I think it’s extremely shocking she would behave like that. It’s not normal and I wouldn’t minimise it. Something clearly is going very wrong with DD.
She has assaulted you. She’s over age if criminal responsibility. If she does that again to a friend or a teacher police will be involved.
I think you need to speak to school and gp and see if you can access urgent support for her.
Hope you are ok OP.

SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 21:25

@newyearnewwname2022 Sunday dinner 'emotional!?' Where!? It's the most relaxed & chilled out time of the week! What on earth..........Hmm

Swayingpalmtrees · 27/03/2022 21:25

Were you upset op that your dh was away and this was supposed to be a day for you? Everyone else was being looked after and here you are with 3 ungrateful dc. On some level did that feed through?

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 21:26

[quote SpringsSprung]@newyearnewwname2022 Sunday dinner 'emotional!?' Where!? It's the most relaxed & chilled out time of the week! What on earth..........Hmm[/quote]
Depends, sunday night tea (or dinner as I think people call it) was filled with anxiety for me as a child as it meant going to bath, bed and then back to bloody school on Monday

Sunday evenings, like now, still bring that back a bit

Flipflopssndsocks · 27/03/2022 21:27

I think TerryP is right. One of mine had an awful temper and was violent. It’s hard. We kept working on bonds and modelling and rather than him growing up to be worse he calmed and is amazing. I was careful not to press his triggers even if they weren’t always reasonable.

I did come down hard on the violence though. After a comparative assault he was told that next time would be a police matter whatever the circumstances. We agreed actions he could take without consequence and it worked.

You have to parent the person in front of you. Mine had a hair trigger temper, sensory issues, rigid expectations and white hot rage. We can laugh about it now but even now I acknowledge that his awful rages were awful for him too and that his more mellow siblings weren’t actually better they just didn’t feel like he did.

Lovemusic33 · 27/03/2022 21:27

My dd would forget to give me a Mother’s Day card too, she has Aspergers and possible ADHD, I had to remind her to give me my card this morning, I’m a single parent and my mum had given her a card to give to me, it’s pretty much the same for birthdays too, she doesn’t really think and appears to not care (but she does care, she just doesn’t see the point in cards and gifts).

Could she be getting her period? PMT may have made her more reactive? I know it does with many teens and adults and if she’s highly strung anyway it could have contributed to her reaction?

Kuachui · 27/03/2022 21:29

all i know is i would never have dreamed about hitting my mum when i was a kid/teen

Swayingpalmtrees · 27/03/2022 21:30

All forms of violence are unacceptable.
Anger like this could be a cry for help though.
You sound like a truly lovely parent this is not your fault op.
Horrible things happen to lovely children/families you really need to talk to her

OutlookStalking · 27/03/2022 21:30

(((really upset))) You are doing great. It is great you are reflecting. Good luck it can be really tough. Whether it is anxiety or adhd or asd or whatever the cause, being there for her and working at it alongside her will help. Anxiety can show in so many ways and there are things we can do as parents to help.