11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

@reallyupset11yodd sorry you’ve had a shitty Mother’s Day.

An 11yo knows right from wrong, and will know this behaviour is unacceptable. Have you spoken to her since? Is she the type of child who once has calmed down will understand, reflect and apologise?

I wouldn’t call the police like some others PPs suggest, unless she really beat you and did some damage. & I’m talking smashed windows, broken bones, using weapons. As she’s over 10yo she can be arrested and be criminally charged. A chat with her and the police could give her a shake up.

Going forwards, I wouldn’t tell your DC you’re hurt if they don’t give you cards/gifts. They’re children. I didn’t start buying and giving my parents gifts until I was 16 and earning my own money from my part time job.

Bit strange how a 2 year old apologised for this also…

You and your DH need to have a sit down, serious but calm talk with her regarding violence. But you also need to take into account your words/actions towards her. Are you expecting too much from her?

OP you have done nothing wrong. This child is 11 not 2. I think at her age it's ok to say your feelings are hurt. Do parents not have feelings too? The issue with the brother is surely normal between siblings. There is no way your child's reaction is normal. You did what any sensible parent would have done. The reaction is extreme. Professional support though might be a good idea. Please don't listen to those blaming you they have their own axes to grind. Moving on from this your DD will need you to support and understand her. Hope you find a way through.

I would advise speaking to her school to see if this behaviour is being observed at school. Also ask them if they can make referrals to local services that can support her and you as a family.

Your daughter needs help to regulate her behaviour, I would be disappointed if my daughter failed to give me a card and gift that had been previously arranged and of which she had been reminded.

Consistency, clear expectations, boundaries and a calm approach are required, but the priority tonight is to make sure you are safe, your children are safe and your DD knows she is loved, and that’s unconditional, but you don’t like her behaviour and it won’t be tolerated. I would check in with her, just you and her, to make sure there’s nothing going on in her world that’s causing her to lash out.

I hope you’re okay

It can make a big difference for her to know you're on her side and want to work on it together rather than angry with her.

On a side note OP, after much reading here, and elsewhere we reduced tech for our kids. They cannot have it in the bedrooms, and they have time limits. EG our 11 year old now gets one hour in the morning, and one in the afternoon. All consumed in the kitchen or sitting room. Same with the other dc but different time amounts for different ages.

We implemented it after a tech detox in exchange for a holiday last year. The detox recalibrated everything, they accept the new status on the whole, and our home is much better for it.

And yes its been a huge day. Hope you can do something calming for yourself tonight.

All the people blaming the Op for the DD’s attack on her. She not only attacked the Op but trashed her office and bedrooms. She’s 11 and will be in trouble if she had tried this on to anyone but her DM.

Oh and my job just now doesn’t matter as I’m working in corporate for the last few years but I have a post grad in education, a masters in education, I’m in my last few months of a doctorate in education, I’ve got a post grad certificate in mental health and education, many courses in work with young people, managing challenging behaviour, etc, I deliver inputs on inclusion modules for ITE, supervise education masters students, and more to the point almost twenty years working either directly or managing programmes with young people who are excluded, school refusers, known to the criminal justice system. I’ve got a fair idea how this story goes when unchallenged.

@ShowOfHands

OP, talk to school. They will want to and be able to help with interventions and appropriate referrals. They will also work alongside you to present a united front in supporting your DD.

You must feel really wobbly. It can get better.

See in my case (younger child but some really explosive and aggressive behaviour) the school, frankly, couldn't give a shit.

I live in Scotland btw, maybe there are all the supportive and active schools elsewhere because here, unless the behaviour is causing an actual problem at school ( which it isn't) then they take zero action to provide support. Ditto the GP.

@reallyupset11yodd

and I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

You couldn't have predicted that reaction. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Don't be to hard in yourself. Everything looks different retrospectively.

I think the violence from your DD was extreme and worrying. PP may be right that she is reacting from guilt/shame or has ADHD or something else going on. However, this behaviour is very extreme and OP I think you need some kind of professional support. That might be family counselling, or some form of therapy for you; it might be investigating your DD's mental health or potential ASD/ADHD; or a combination of the above. As a family, you need support with this, because whatever is going on, it's not 'normal', everyday kid stuff.

I would hold off on any discussion until your DH is home and then I would talk to your daughter together. I agree it's a good idea to start by being curious: what happened? Why did she react like that? How does she feel now? But she has to understand that violence and abuse are unacceptable. And she does need to apologise and make amends.

So sorry OP that sounds really awful and I think you did absolutely nothing wrong by telling them you were upset and reminding them about Mother's Day, children are so selfish and need reminding to think about others you don't need to feel guilty at all. I can't believe people are trying to make you feel bad about it and about confronting your daughter about her behaviour, she had an extreme reaction which can not be tolerated and is very unacceptable she needs to know this and it needs to have big consequences so it does not happen again. So sorry and hope your ok you sound like a lovely caring mum, hopefully you and your DH will be able to sort this together and your daughter will realise what she has done is not acceptable

OP you did nothing wrong. But you are at a crossroads here. If you do not come down on your daughter hard ( and by that I mean withdrawing privileges/ grounding or similar) you can absolutely guarantee that your child will have no incentive to learn to control her temper next time.

She will only learn to control her temper if she is taught that it benefits her to do so. If you start apologising to her for provoking her (crazy suggestion), as some of the posters on here have suggested, you show her that she is stronger than you and her behaviour is justified. She needs you to be the adult and show her boundaries here and that this sort of behaviour will not be accepted- whatever the reason.

I think there are natural consequences to most outbursts and for her it should be she needs to go and remake the beds. If she can't manage that by herself then OP helps and they work together and talk. Then she picks up stuff in the office. Hopefully it will make her think next time she loses her temper.

You did nothing wrong in bringing up the conversation op! When Ds1 was your dd’s age I was a single parent and after one birthday (I think) where they didn’t bother, I told them how I felt, they listened, and made an effort in future. He was old enough to sort out a basic card / small gift and involve his younger brother, and that’s without the prompting your dd had from her df. So I think you were perfectly reasonable to raise it.
In terms of her reaction that was way off, and I’d certainly be giving her space to cool down, although I’m not convinced of the helpfulness of removing stuff as a punishment. I’d maybe be approaching your GP and / or school SENCO or guidance teacher. Especially if this isn’t a one off. I’d also - given her age - be wondering if there might be a hormonal component?

[quote reallyupset11yodd]@MrsTerryPratchett thank you, I get it now the guilt = anger. And that is a totally reasonable response. How she dealt with that anger was not though.

To the poster who would want to hear her version, me too!! I want to parent better, I would love to know from her perspective. Hopefully we can talk it through tomorrow when all is calm, but I do expect acknowledgement that violence is not ok and I do expect an apology.[/quote]
to you, OP, a horrible and frightening situation.

MrsTerryPratchett's post is spot on.

I would tbh forget about looking for apologies. The situation has broken down; you have got into a combative dynamic. This needs to stop. You are the adult; you need to be the one that rises above the anger, blame and 'retribution'. I understand very well how hard this is.

Your first action is to find support for yourself - MN can be good, friends also. It is horrible to fight with your child, the one you love the most. And to be worried about them.

I don't know your DD, but I wonder if she is a very sensitive child? Do you think she acted out of guilt? Was she feeling bad about her behaviour, couldn't handle feeling bad, and then escalated?

This book is great on regulating emotion, handling 'acting out' and setting loving, firm boundaries.

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Love-Comprehensive-Understanding-Regulating-ebook/dp/B086R7P448?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

You're being battered from all sides here OP. Obviously all parties (especially your DD) could have handled this better. Although her behaviour is inexcusable and obviously wrong, it is also wildly disproporinate sounding and would make me immediately consider all sorts of reasons that could make an 11yo completely incapable of emotional regulation during an argument.

I think posters who have suggested the GP as a first call are probably correct. You've had better advice than I could give about the immediate aftermath tonight but I DO genuinely think you should be writing this down in as much honest detail as you can (so you don't forget small things), and seeking help from the GP - and probably CAHMS.

As a child I appeared socially confident, was an incredibly high achiever, had friends and did well in several sports. I was generally liked by adults and I had no issue with peers until high school. I was also self-absorbed, thoughless and ANGRY. I couldn't calm myself down when overstimulated and I often had tantrums not unlike a toddler in all sorts of situations. As a young adult (early 20s) I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, after my mental health ultimately became quite life-limiting. I was (and am) incredibly anxious even though I appear very confident, I struggle (and previously - with no help, found it impossible!) to regulate my emotions and feelings and calming down is STILL difficult for me.

I am not remotely suggesting any of these as likely for your DD, my
point is that it isn't normal to react this way - and I would be hesitant to assume that everything is fine just because you believe her to be an NT child with a loving family. There are just SO many things that could be going on and they really need to be considered.

All of that said, good god people are being very harsh on here - and whether you dealt with the situation perfectly or awfully, you did not deserve to be pushed over and hit in the head.

It sounds like she was feeling very guilty and humiliated/ashamed. I think what you said is a very hard thing to hear and she probably felt ashamed and bad. It's not ok to do that but sounds like she feels very attacked and defensive and related unfairly. Worth exploring why she feels that. Sorry though - poor you!

@ReadtheFT

One of the times where I think it would be good for DC to see parents lose their shit. Staying calm, not raising your voice... Fuck that. A good smack to remind her who's in charge. Outbursts yes, violence to your own mother? Not acceptable in the slightest. She s 11,not 20. I would also not talk to her for a while, remove all privileges and get her to fox the mess(beds and work papers). After that a good chat, reading books and all that stuff.

I hope this is a joke. A good slap? Wtf is wrong with you.

www.ahaparenting.com/guide/concern-anger-and-agression

OP the only thing I have to say is please please do not let her go to sleep feeling like shit tonight,She will do I am sure feel badly but if you can summon a goodnight and a small chat it wil be beneficial, Please do not let that young girl wallow or feel any worse ,worried,punished or frightenend than she does now overnight, You didnt deserve this and I feel your shock and I am so sorry its happened, I do agree sadly though agree with the other non popular views that you orchastrated this, There is nothing worse than a parent announce how disappointed in you they are as a child on a day that is in effect a bloody useless money making day,I am not excusing her behaviour in any way please don;t think I am but having had 31 monthers days if my children had forgot ,or couldnt do it for any other reason it would not make an ounce of difference to how I loved them and how they loved me the rest of the time. You learn to pick your battles in life literally and laying your disappointment on them over a bloody card and a box of chocolates or indeed any other tat is really not one of the hills i would choose to die on, I am sorry its been an awful day for you all.It just seems to me there is something deeper going on.

I’m concerned by the minimising by some people on this thread. If it said boyfriend / partner / fiancé / husband then the cry would be LTB. I would be raining down a world of punishment on her, starting with tidying up all the mess. She made it = she tidy it up. Followed by no phone / laptop etc. You can’t physically assault people if they say stuff you don’t like

It was a guilt trip, and you know it was. She’s 11 years old, she has very little control over her life. So you introduced the conversation, punished her, followed her, punished her again, she reacted violently and…you punished her more. Massive communication breakdown, and you’re the adult in this situation.

Hmm. I had an awful temper as a child and was prone to really angry outbursts and I would never, ever have hit my mother like that. I just wouldn't have wanted to plus I would have been afraid of the consequences.

In my case the anger came from various sources. I was being bullied at school. I have an older sibling who 'teased' me a lot. In retrospect there was little difference between his teasing and the bullying at school. Added to which, my dad has an awful temper and used to hit both of us. So I think my anger was a product of copying my father but also came from feeling so helpless because I was being subject to so much aggression from so many sides.

Thing is, if you asked my mum, she would say my dad is a very gentle person, despite the fact that he used to hit his children. She thinks the interaction between me and my sibling was just normal childhood stuff and she has no idea of the true extent of what was happening at school.

OP I echo PP - you need professional help here. I don't doubt you're trying your best but there is something going on here. That level of anger is damaging to everyone involved and you and your daughter need help.

I think giving an 11 year old a phone, laptop and iPad is an overload.

@Pumperthepumper Your advice and insight on this thread is great.