11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP I am so sorry this has happened to you, I hope you and DD,DS are okay. I suggest after some time apart going in for a cuddle and chat. I would definitely keep her laptop and phone but maybe explain why.

I'm also sorry you have a few ridiculous comments thrown at you when you just needed some support

Why was it just her supposedly responsible for the mothers day stuff?

Do you treat her and her brother differently? There isn't that much of an age difference?

@MrsTerryPratchett

"OP you did nothing wrong" has been said a few times. The logic of that is that OP should carry on exactly as she has been, which will result in exactly the same behaviour (actually probably worse) from the DD. It isn't victim blaming to say that there are strategies that work better. OP's currently aren't.

Guilt =/= empathy. That's the first thing to know. The opposite actually. Guilt makes us angry and avoidant. Which is what the DD is currently. Empathy is made by modelling it and 'fixing' things. So OP didn't get anything for Mother's Day. Don't say you're 'hurt', tell them what you want. Something easy to achieve and early in the day so they can move in a positive way in the rest of the day. "DD because it's Mother's Day could you grab me X, I'd love that". In my house it would be tea but what ever works in yours. DD then gets to achieve a small act of kindness and also remember it's MD and get the card/present without guilt if she's forgotten.

Work on the relationship. The behaviour comes from the relationship. Work on a loving, guilt-free, happy, joking, fun relationship, where you talk about her good qualities often. Where you have a relentlessly positive story about her. Not about how she's challenging. But about how she's a leader, strong, decisive. The behaviour's are dealt with but the character is celebrated.

Stop with the disappointment, hurt, sadness and all that. It's absolutely maddening. You can be angry (calmly angry) about behaviours. "That is NOT acceptable DD", stern face and tone. Immediate and natural consequences. However, I wouldn't give consequences for a lack of presents and cards. I know it's controversial on here but forced love/apologies/thanks from children is worse than nothing to me. It's performative and makes them less effective adults. You need to work on them actually feeling grateful and enjoying doing nice things. Not make them feel bad if they don't.

It's not victim-blaming. It's saying you need a different style of parenting for this child. Child. Remember that.

Some of this is because I have had a mother whose only skill was guilt. I was a dreadful, awful, nasty teenager because it elicited horrible anger in me. I felt absolute rage. I only processed that after (although she still tries it!) and realised it wasn't actually me who was 'bad'. Although my behaviour was.

Really good post.

@reallyupset11yodd

and I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

I get it. Your dh is away...you have three kids, it's hard work! You're hurt because you probably run round after them all constantly and you wanted recognition on mother's Day. Ok, some kids are full of empathy and can't wait to spoil their mums blah blah, blah but honestly, a lot of kids are totally selfish and unappreciative of the sacrifices their mother makes for them.

Op, I think your DD needs some anger management. Totally unacceptable behaviour and she physically assaulted you. So sorry you haven’t had a great Mother’s Day.

Absolutely unacceptable and very alarming that she could react so violently. There has to be more to this. She needs serious professional help. In the meantime, is there a close family relative that could have a chat with her and try and find out why she did this, someone not so emotionally involved?

You really, truly did nothing wrong! Trying to raise your child to have empathy is not “guilt tripping" them. And posters saying Mother's Day is just a construct, well that makes it all ok then . Her father went to the trouble of getting the gift and card and reminding DD to simply hand them to her mother...she couldn't be arsed..and posters STILL victim blame the OP. Shocking! Please don't listen to them OP. You were doing the right thing trying to parent your child after they behaved terribly and selfishly and did NOT deserve or cause violence.

@reallyupset11yodd

and I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

You did nothing wrong

Op: you did nothing wrong.

@reallyupset11yodd

and I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

Thats what I was trying to ask you when I said is the household a bit sharp and blamey, is that how you all normally communicate, wrong doings are talked about with a sharp tone and something is often someones fault?

Theres no shame in admitting that and looking at what you can change about that

There is often a tendency as Ive said to look for the problem being 'within the child' but usually and most often is about the dynamics of the household and how the child learns empathy and relationships

I see you have consider a private referral for therapy, I hope you mean for you all, not just her.

OP if she’s calmed down I’d ask if she would like to work with you putting the beds back in order. Give her a chance to in some way rectify it.

It doesn’t mean no consequences but at the same time you’ve got to give her a way back.

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you, I get it now the guilt = anger. And that is a totally reasonable response. How she dealt with that anger was not though.

To the poster who would want to hear her version, me too!! I want to parent better, I would love to know from her perspective. Hopefully we can talk it through tomorrow when all is calm, but I do expect acknowledgement that violence is not ok and I do expect an apology.

OP, talk to school. They will want to and be able to help with interventions and appropriate referrals. They will also work alongside you to present a united front in supporting your DD.

You must feel really wobbly. It can get better.

It’s a very strong and aggressive reaction from your dd op. I imagine it must have been quite shocking

How is she now?

@reallyupset11yodd Wishing you and your family all the best

I bet the answers would be different if the DD was a DS - all the excuses being made here for the DD are unbelievable, and blaming OP and the DS

Totally unacceptable behaviour from her and you did nothing wrong OP.

@HumunaHey

Has she experienced anything traumatic in her childhood?

Long term I would take her to a GP or some kind of professional. Violent outbursts shouldn't be accepted as the morm and she will only get bigger and stronger.

This was extreme and dangerous behaviour from your daughter, you definitely need some professional help and advice with this situation.

My dd is 13, almost 14 and this is the first year that she’s really understood about Mother’s Day and what it should / could mean to me. There is absolutely no way she would have had the emotional maturity and empathy you seem to be expecting from your dd at 11. Tweens lose empathy for a while. It’s 100% developmental.

Dd is actually quite mature for her age and was telling me earlier her friends aren’t being very nice to their mums as they don’t want to spend the day with their mums and so forth. I held back a little giggle. This time last year, this was totally dd and she spent the day out with her mates. But she’s grown up and her empathy is starting to come back. The words she wrote in the card were awesome and in a way more like when she was little so I think we perhaps are starting to get over this really difficult hump of teenage angst and hopefully soon the 0-60 anger.

This is also the first year she remembered to get my present and card herself without being prompted and so forth. Still didn’t stop her from being moody af when I said I wanted help to clean out the hamster, change the beds and read for 20 mins!

Rather like @MrsTerryPratchett, I have a mother, who used to guilt trip me. Always disappointed in me for some such thing. It was really emotionally damaging and I remember having a physical fight with her when I was about 14 because she was so bloody horrible to me once too often. I felt totally worthless and always ashamed of myself, not helped by my bullying brother, whom she didn’t keep in check. It was an awful time for me.

I also don’t think punishing your dd is going to help. This will only serve to intensify the feelings of shame it sounds like she felt after what you and your ds said. You’ve just hit a bit of a gulp, crisis moment. It would be great if you could make this a learning opportunity for you all and to find a way to connect with your dd. No more guilt tripping and blame.

@reallyupset11yodd

and I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

No I don't think you should have to be light hearted about everything in order to stop your daughter violently lashing out. What if someone says something to annoy her at school? She gets to bash their head in? Her brother? Pandering to a child because they are violent and explosive will do them not favours. Please stop blaming yourself!

11 is more than old enough for a child to remember to hand over a card and a box of chocolates to her Mother. She is also old enough to understand that she must not assault her mother.

Get a lock for your office door so she cant trash it again. Speak to school. Let daughter calm down. Check her at bedtime if she hasn't appeared and say Goodnight. Discuss tomorrow.

It might be worth looking for a private counsellor.

I'm sorry you had such a rubbish Mothers day. Next weekend treat yourself if you can.

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH. OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.

agreed , its pretty unbeliveable really , that somehow this is behaviour the op is responsable for , iv said to my dd who is similar age im a bit hurt by something shes said or not done and havent had this shit done to me and shes got a bit of a temper as well , it is an assault , if this were a man who had done this the responses would have been call the police , because its a child ohh its the mums fault !! beggers belief really

Leaving aside the Mother's Day issue, being teased or provoked by her brother or OP her response is completely over the top. Beds can be remade. Desks can be tidied but Physical abuse can't be tolerated , especially if she is raining blows on someone's head. There is a campaign to educate youngsters/teens about the fact that one punch can kill. Either the punch can connect with a particularly brittle part of the skull or the momentum from the punch can make the victim fall over and bang their head hard. Now is the time when you need to be arranging to find out what is bothering her, if anything.
If its lack of empathy she needs to be given a very strong set of boundaries and made to realise that there WILL be proportionate consequences.
Probably some of you will think I'm over reacting. I'm not. If she had hit her brother the same way she hit her Mum he could have been seriously injured.
1 last thing...make an 2 appointments at the GPS. 1 for Mum to explain her concerns about this kind of behaviour, in confidence. 2 for Mum (and Dad?) and daughter to speak to the GP together (GP will already be aware of background due to Mum's previous visit) hopefully this way a meltdown in the surgery can be avoided

@reallyupset11yodd

and I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be harsh.

I do think you played it wrong and shouldn’t have guilt tripped, but god knows I’m not necessarily very good at rising above my own emotions when I’m feeling hurt either. And I’ve never parented a child of that age.

Not armchair diagnosing, but I think I find it easy to identify with your daughter because I have ADHD and

1. found shame could cause me to lose control as a child
2. was very wound up if I perceived I was being treated unfairly, and that included being wound up by a sibling “joining in” when I was in conflict with a parent.

I never hit my mother but I certainly did some screaming.

I forgot to say that as part of the work moving forward that the family can do together is an 'agreement' on how the family work together. Get the kids involved in terms of what is ok to do for each other and to each other. What are the absolute no go's
And if the kids do things wrong, whats the consequence (children can be quite strict with rules at that age), get her to contribute to her own behaviour agreement but include fun rewards and treats that are special, so remembering peoples birthdays, xmas, father and mothers day etc etc.

@Mummyoflittledragon

My dd is 13, almost 14 and this is the first year that she’s really understood about Mother’s Day and what it should / could mean to me. There is absolutely no way she would have had the emotional maturity and empathy you seem to be expecting from your dd at 11. Tweens lose empathy for a while. It’s 100% developmental.

Dd is actually quite mature for her age and was telling me earlier her friends aren’t being very nice to their mums as they don’t want to spend the day with their mums and so forth. I held back a little giggle. This time last year, this was totally dd and she spent the day out with her mates. But she’s grown up and her empathy is starting to come back. The words she wrote in the card were awesome and in a way more like when she was little so I think we perhaps are starting to get over this really difficult hump of teenage angst and hopefully soon the 0-60 anger.

This is also the first year she remembered to get my present and card herself without being prompted and so forth. Still didn’t stop her from being moody af when I said I wanted help to clean out the hamster, change the beds and read for 20 mins!

Rather like @MrsTerryPratchett, I have a mother, who used to guilt trip me. Always disappointed in me for some such thing. It was really emotionally damaging and I remember having a physical fight with her when I was about 14 because she was so bloody horrible to me once too often. I felt totally worthless and always ashamed of myself, not helped by my bullying brother, whom she didn’t keep in check. It was an awful time for me.

I also don’t think punishing your dd is going to help. This will only serve to intensify the feelings of shame it sounds like she felt after what you and your ds said. You’ve just hit a bit of a gulp, crisis moment. It would be great if you could make this a learning opportunity for you all and to find a way to connect with your dd. No more guilt tripping and blame.

Another really good post.