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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 27/03/2022 23:21

There is no excuse for a 12 year old to ever hit a reasonably behaved parent ( as op was)
So many people here seem to think that is acceptable…
I would probably have physically restrained her after the first hit, and not gently. Whilst saying ‘you do not hit ever ‘in calm but forceful tones.
And my consequences would have been stricter.
I would also come down like a ton of bricks on her hurting siblings, it would not be tolerated.
I am bemused so many are making excuses for her she is perfectly capable of understanding empathy, right and wrong and having self control at that age.
Op l am so sorry, you were not wrong to say you were sad Mother’s Day seemed to have been forgotten, children have to be thought to have consideration for others. I bet you don’t forget or ignore their birthdays…
They need to learn that they need to make an effort for you too.( with the exception of the youngest)

EndaDay · 27/03/2022 23:22

@Pumperthepumper

A, a victim of violence. So what do you suggest? Police?
You know what, I think I would march her down to the police station tomorrow-never mind school-that will underline to her just how serious the situation is-and get them to reprimand her.

If you don't get a grip on this-sod allowing her to calm down and not giving her a bloody fright-when she's 14, you or one of her siblings is going to be carted off in an ambulance.

You are not to blame. her reaction was violently over the top-she could have killed you if your head had hit the floor hard when she pushed you to the ground-and pulling all your papers out was just sheer spiteful and nasty.

Gentle parenting my arse! You need to let her know any more shite like that and she might be out the bloody door to whatever relative can handle her. She sounds a nasty piece of work.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 23:23

@TrippinEdBalls

It’s saying ‘don’t torment your sister’ which is a fairly standard phrase parents all over the land say.

But you seem to be suggesting that should have been OP's reaction when the sister grabbed him by the neck of his clothing - to tell him that he mustn't say something that could provoke her. You seem to be endlessly looking for reasons to discount her really quite extreme and persistent violence and to find someone else's words that must be the real source of the problem.

No, it should have been the OP’s reaction before she grabbed her brother. Knowing that her 11 year old is reactive. And nobody loses then: the brother doesn’t get grabbed.
ittakes2 · 27/03/2022 23:23

I think you need to see a family therapist to work out your family dynamics and how to both avoid these scenarios and how to manage them if they do happen. Getting advice from strangers is too risky because it might make things worse. Speak to a professional.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2022 23:24

It does seem a huge escalation just because a child forgot to give you your present. I think you need to lookat how you handle things. You are the adult here.

Finallylostit · 27/03/2022 23:26

To quote my eldest as puberty and hormones hit and he said some awful things and swung some fists -

it just comes out of my mouth and I try to take it back but it just keeps coming.

Lot of tears and explanations that this was hormones and he needed to learn to control this and understand he was getting stronger. Not had an outburst for about 6-9 months - he is now 13.

TrippinEdBalls · 27/03/2022 23:28

No, it should have been the OP’s reaction before she grabbed her brother. Knowing that her 11 year old is reactive. And nobody loses then: the brother doesn’t get grabbed.

I just can't get behind this message that because the DD is 'reactive' the whole family must constantly placate her in order to head her violence off at the pass. I think it's really unhealthy for everyone, and a very poor substitute for getting the DD the professional help she clearly needs. Pretending that it's everyone else who's wrong, not the frighteningly violent preteen, is setting up everyone for failure the next time they don't manage to appease her.

eldora · 27/03/2022 23:31

@TrippinEdBalls

No, it should have been the OP’s reaction before she grabbed her brother. Knowing that her 11 year old is reactive. And nobody loses then: the brother doesn’t get grabbed.

I just can't get behind this message that because the DD is 'reactive' the whole family must constantly placate her in order to head her violence off at the pass. I think it's really unhealthy for everyone, and a very poor substitute for getting the DD the professional help she clearly needs. Pretending that it's everyone else who's wrong, not the frighteningly violent preteen, is setting up everyone for failure the next time they don't manage to appease her.

Well said Trippin.

@Pumperthepumper you seem to take the extreme view on every thread you post on. I hope is aware of that.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 23:31

It’s not pretending everyone else is wrong. It’s preventing reactive situations and parenting the child you have. It means teaching the child how to deal with situations as well as looking at to her own communication so the child isn’t backed into a corner. Many parents with ND children or children with different issues have to do it quite often. Giving the child the best chance in any given situation.

eldora · 27/03/2022 23:31

I hope OP is aware of that.

PrincessNutella · 27/03/2022 23:32

I think taking her lollipops was kind of weird and inappropriate.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 23:32

What I mean is it’s not placating. As in it wouldn’t be the mother just accepting she hadn’t got a gift. It would be approaching things differently in order to foster better communications.

So many people don’t want to change their parenting or look at it because it’s easier to assume your child is just badly behaved and you are right because you’re the parent but I think there’s something to be said for looking at what you can do too.

Cornishclio · 27/03/2022 23:35

My sympathies to OP as this must have been horrible. I am not sure I would have chosen to tackle them about the mothers day card/present given they are still children and your DH was not there to nudge them but your DDs response was completely over the top and it sounds like the situation got out of hand. Talking to her when she is calm about violence and managing her emotions would be sensible. If this is the first time this has happened I would not refer her to counselling but if this is a pattern then she needs help.

eldora · 27/03/2022 23:35

@PrincessNutella

I think taking her lollipops was kind of weird and inappropriate.
She had just hurt her brother.
Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 23:35

@TrippinEdBalls

No, it should have been the OP’s reaction before she grabbed her brother. Knowing that her 11 year old is reactive. And nobody loses then: the brother doesn’t get grabbed.

I just can't get behind this message that because the DD is 'reactive' the whole family must constantly placate her in order to head her violence off at the pass. I think it's really unhealthy for everyone, and a very poor substitute for getting the DD the professional help she clearly needs. Pretending that it's everyone else who's wrong, not the frighteningly violent preteen, is setting up everyone for failure the next time they don't manage to appease her.

I think that’s because that’s what you’re determined to see. Why not instead think of it of the OP’s 11 year old having particular needs that the family should work together to facilitate? Although I’d argue ‘don’t wind each other up’ is probably a good rule for a household generally.
Anon778833 · 27/03/2022 23:36

@Clymene

There is no place for laying blame at the feet of a victim of violence *@Pumperthepumper*, none.

Stop victim blaming.

This ^^
Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 23:37

@eldora I’m not, no. What’s extreme about my view here?

Did your previous username have ‘tractor’ in it? I used to have my very own stalker on here who followed me around posting shit like this but I haven’t seen them for a while. I miss them.

VeganGod · 27/03/2022 23:40

*There is nothing in the OP that suggests she sat back and watched one child attack the other. It sounds like it happened quickly:

DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs*

As soon as the brother opened his mouth, he should have been told to be quiet, because mum is dealing with it, not a 9 year old sibling.

Having grown up with a brother who missed no opportunity to get at me and parents who were more than happy to let him, it’s very annoying. That being followed up with losing sweets, what was that about??? Of course she shouldn’t have lashed out, but she’s 11 and the situation was dealt with badly. If OP would have stopped the brother getting involved, it likely wouldn’t have escalated. Now it has, of course the daughter needs to be spoken to and left in no doubt that this can never happen again. But OP needs to stop the younger brother getting involved in things that are fuck all to do with him.

I brought my kids up to not get involved if there was an issue with the other.

SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 23:41

[quote Innocenta]@SpringsSprung You may not like it, but that doesn't make it any less true. People end up in prison because of things that happen to them, which then lead them to behave in certain ways.

Obviously some people do need to be there. But many shouldn't be, and in a lot of cases the system has let people down tragically.[/quote]
It's nothing to do with not liking anything, you're falling over yourself to make excuses for heinous crimes! All to try make some disingenuous point about your previous posts. Absolutely appalling

kaffkooks · 27/03/2022 23:42

This was my sister's behaviour almost 30 years ago. I was like your 2 year old. We are a loving, middle class family. These things just happen, it's no one's fault but it is now your responsibility to deal with it as best you can. My parents tried being strict and punishments for my sister but they never worked and her behaviour continued to escalate for years. I think the calm parenting approach with consequences for her actions is a good start. Never respond in the heat of the moment, you must wait until you and she are calm. Make sure you and her Dad are a united front. My sister very effectively caused chaos by playing our parents off against each other. If things aren't working, seek professional advice. Whatever you do don't shout and don't hit her back. Possibly learning restraining techniques would be a good idea so you're ready for the next time. It's really hard to deal with and will take time but hopefully you can get through as a family.

eldora · 27/03/2022 23:44

[quote Pumperthepumper]@eldora I’m not, no. What’s extreme about my view here?

Did your previous username have ‘tractor’ in it? I used to have my very own stalker on here who followed me around posting shit like this but I haven’t seen them for a while. I miss them.[/quote]
Your victim blaming of OP is extreme.

No, I’m not tractor. Just another example of you resorting to extremes. Report to MNHQ if you have concerns.

Coyoacan · 27/03/2022 23:45

Mmm. I haven't read all the comments yet, but there are a lot judgements about who is right or wrong when the important thing is what to do going forward. I think family therapy might be an option and/or parenting classes.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 23:46

@eldora I’d say take your own advice there.

ldontWanna · 27/03/2022 23:47

@ChiswickFlo

Wow. Victim blaming aplenty. Christ.

An 11 year old cannot be bothered to give a card and gift to her mother which had already been purchased then becomes physically violent and verbally abusive?

Op..I'd have called the police.

As it is you and your dh need to formulate a plan to get help.

Take photos of any bruises etc

Let school know.

No one should accept being physically abused. By anyone.

How exactly would that help?

Please explain in detail what do you think the police would do, the effect on DD and the outcome and why it's such a good idea .

EndaDay · 27/03/2022 23:48

What's extreme?

A 12 year old girl-no wilting daisy by the sound of it-has thrown her mother to the floor, dangerously attacked her head, all the while fucking and blinding, vandalised the OP's work space and chased and hurt her brother.

And you, @Plumperthepumer, stand by wring your hands and defending this behaviour by trying to say the others provoked her. Bollocks.

This is a dangerous child and she is 11. Advice to pussy foot around her because it's best not to anger her is stupid.

I wouldn't have been telling her after this that I loved her. Why on earth reward this outrageous behaviour. Next year, she will be bigger and when she's 17, you'll all be frightened to fart in front of her in case she murders one of you or burns the house down.

Not all children are misunderstood angels, some are little fuckers and there are examples of them appearing in court for cruelty and violence and yes, even murder.

Othe Holy Joes come on to reprimand the Op for taking away her lollipops. In another age, those lollipops would have been shoved up her arse sideways and while you cannot do that, you can make the experience of her losing her shit in this way not a pleasant one for her.

Your reaction to her behaviour has gobsmacked me but then people like @Pumperthe pumper have left me flabbergasted and I'm pleased to hear that she has form for trying to be different and silly on every thread. Makes her less real, less dangerous.