Page 18 | 11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 22:55

@saraclara

She behaved badly and it was out of order but it doesn’t sound like you handled it well. This is the type of thing my mother would have done to me as a kid, sort of looking for a reason to punish me for something (the card) and finding one.

@Kanaloa OP didn't punish her for the lack of a card. She punished her for assaulting her brother. Your own history has blinded you from reading what OP actually wrote. She is not your mother.

I didn’t say she was my mother

I was pointing out that sitting all your kids down and apologising to the point a toddler feels the need to say sorry/preteen then gets on his sister sounds like a negative experience and it wasn’t handled well re chasing her down etc. Handled well it could have been a more positive experience.

I did actually explain that in the rest of my post which I see you cut out to better fit your narrative.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 27/03/2022 22:55

@Swayingpalmtrees

I agree with mrs if the violence isn’t being learnt at home then where? Children from loving non violent homes don’t suddenly turn into violent attackers without a reason.

What about abusive partners? Physical, emotional, financial. Are they all from troubled homes too Then?

Serious question.

wishmyhousetidy · 27/03/2022 22:56

@doingmydoodie

OP, I have a child whose temper went from 'completely fine' to 'white hot with rage' within seconds when he was younger. He also has Asperger's (I know it has a different label now, but it didn't then). I was exhausted by trying to predict what might set it off. I remember him doing all sorts of destructive things which I prefer not to think about now. He is now an adult, and has learned ways to control his temper, fortunately.

One thing for sure - regardless of whatever people advise on here - is that if you have a child with a temper, the absolute worst thing you can do is shout at them while they're angry. Or do anything at all, in fact. They simply can't hear you. They are so consumed by anger that their brains can't process anything else.

Whoever suggested upthread that smacking the child would sort the problem out is frankly mad. Why on earth would you hit a child to demonstrate to them why they shouldn't hit anyone? Likewise shouting. Why raise your voice at a child in order to tell them to stop shouting?

The OP's behaviour was, in the circumstances, right. She is also questioning whether she might have a tendency to emotionally blackmail the DC, so she's doing her bit there.

I think she and her husband need to have a conversation with their DD about exactly why she thought it was okay to assault her mother and take it from there (I wouldn't worry about her saying she wished you were dead - children say all kinds of stupid stuff). I think you may well need support with this, though, as it's not something she can continue to do as she gets older, and there is a real risk that she might do it to someone else and end up in serious trouble.

agree with all this. I have experienced this for a few months although it has got better through counselling for my child and me changing my parenting style. I couldn’t believe it was happening and would shout as it is such a terrible thing to be hit by your child, but shouting does not help. Things are not perfect but we are both learning to be better- there is no excuse for hitting someone, but as it happens you have to learn the best way to parent that child. Get help op now, it is rarely just a one off, it will escalate- property gets damages and it’s usually the mum that gets hit. make sure you and your husband are on the same track and ignore people that say ‘hit her back’- ridiculous advice from. people that have never been there.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 22:56

They might be?

TrippinEdBalls · 27/03/2022 22:56

I feel really uncomfortable with some of the posts blaming the little brother and saying that the OP must make sure he doesn't trigger his sister like this again. I don't see why it's so terrible for OP to make her child feel guilty but absolutely fine to give another child the message that they must walk on egg shells and control their behaviour at all times as otherwise it'll be his fault if his sister gets violent again.

LazyYogi · 27/03/2022 22:57

This will sound odd. But a similar thing happened in Casualty and the daughter was eventually treated for a hormone imbalance that was causing anger issues. Might be worth exploring but sorry if it's a useless suggestion...

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 22:58

@TrippinEdBalls

I feel really uncomfortable with some of the posts blaming the little brother and saying that the OP must make sure he doesn't trigger his sister like this again. I don't see why it's so terrible for OP to make her child feel guilty but absolutely fine to give another child the message that they must walk on egg shells and control their behaviour at all times as otherwise it'll be his fault if his sister gets violent again.

But it isn’t that. It’s saying ‘don’t torment your sister’ which is a fairly standard phrase parents all over the land say.

dipdye · 27/03/2022 22:58

op, sounds like a tough day.

You sound like a very caring mother

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 22:58

@TrippinEdBalls

I feel really uncomfortable with some of the posts blaming the little brother and saying that the OP must make sure he doesn't trigger his sister like this again. I don't see why it's so terrible for OP to make her child feel guilty but absolutely fine to give another child the message that they must walk on egg shells and control their behaviour at all times as otherwise it'll be his fault if his sister gets violent again.

I don’t think anyone’s said that. Simply that a culture of guilt with mum saying she’s so hurt and all the kids apologising and running to get the gifts plus one kid then getting in at the eldest who probably already feels rubbish from mum being ‘so hurt’ isn’t a helpful situation. There are ways to deal with it that don’t involve everyone being hurt/upset etc etc.

katepilar · 27/03/2022 23:00

Blimey, I wonder what is going on at the backround. Has she done anything like this before?
I think telling the children that you are sad for them not giving you anything for mothers day and even telling them that what they gave you isnt good enough/appropriate is not something you should do and might indicate some selfesteem issues etc on your side.
Not sure I understood the lollypops situation correctly but taking away her stuff also sounds a bit odd, as a power game and you should not be doing that with anyone, let alone children.

Its hard when you feel this overwhelmed.
Hope you can find a way out of this atmosphere in your family and be all happy.

JennySpanner · 27/03/2022 23:01

@Partyatnumber10

That's my opinion on the situation based on the OP's posts. I'm not saying I don't have empathy just that I feel more concerned for the volatile and violent 11 year old child who is behaving like that towards her mother. A child who does that is not a happy one. The OP hasn't just come on here for everyone to agree with her - the most helpful thing is for people to be honest. Clearly changes need to be made, perhaps reading some of the more confronting comments will be more helpful long term for the OP if they do cause her to reflect on how some of her own behaviours are contributing to the problem.

katepilar · 27/03/2022 23:04

[quote reallyupset11yodd]@MrsTerryPratchett thank you, I get it now the guilt = anger. And that is a totally reasonable response. How she dealt with that anger was not though.

To the poster who would want to hear her version, me too!! I want to parent better, I would love to know from her perspective. Hopefully we can talk it through tomorrow when all is calm, but I do expect acknowledgement that violence is not ok and I do expect an apology.[/quote]
She is a child. She needs adults to help her deal with anger. And in a family also to look into what triggers her anger as it might be something happening in the family.
DOes she see how you can deal with anger?

GrandRapids · 27/03/2022 23:06

My god, I can only imagine what would have happened, had I attacked my mother like this.....

It's completely unacceptable and I certainly wouldn't be pussyfooting around her or guilt tripping myself about making her feel bad that she forgot Mother's Day!

You need to get to the route of her anger issues because she has really crossed a line here and it needs to be nipped in the bud now. What the hell is she going to be like when she's 15?

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 27/03/2022 23:08

Well OP, thank you for posting this - I have learnt a LOT from readng it and will certainly reflect on how I speak to my children in future.

It must be very hard for you.

Hang on in there.

Picklesandbeans · 27/03/2022 23:08

Haven't read it all but no empathy and violence during confrontation- does she have any SEN diagnosis or has there been any regulation of emotions issues in the past? I'd be leaning towards those thoughts from what you said.
I think your behaviour was normal- don't need to nit pick , your 11 year old shouldn't react like that even if you were (you weren't) provoking her, so there is an underlying issue.

CAHM, DR. School need to be involved in my opinion. I'd start with school, teachers thinking shes making or anything? Any regulation issues/ lack of empathy. Autism?

Strawberry33 · 27/03/2022 23:09

My son was like this at 11. It came out of the blue and was a massive shock. I did a lot of work with him on communication and dealing with uncomfortable feelings and emotions. I bet your daughter is struggling with feeling angry or guilty over Mother’s Day and doesn’t know how to respond to these feelings. I also think it’s the age. My son is like a different boy now and says at the time he had no idea why he did and felt those things but he couldn’t stop it. We also concentrated on repairing things after his meltdowns so give her lots opportunity to put things right. If she feels like she’s seen as a monster then she will think she may as well be one.

katepilar · 27/03/2022 23:09

OP, you seem to put a lot of emphasis on being lovely family, I wonder whether you feel a big pressure to provide and create that for your children?
Did you have a difficult childhood yourself?

Pudmyboy · 27/03/2022 23:11

@DaffTheDoggo

Baffled by PP criticising what OP said and did. Absolutely nothing she did justified this violent response.

This So sorry OP, I hope you get through this and get a sincere apology from DD. Being physically assaulted is not acceptable.

saraclara · 27/03/2022 23:11

OP, please implement boundaries and quickly.

Pretty certain that that was what OP was trying to do when DD hurt her brother. And look where that got her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2022 23:15

What about abusive partners? Physical, emotional, financial. Are they all from troubled homes too Then?

The two I'm currently managing are. One from a very abusive foster home and one with PTSD. Does it excuse it? Of course not. These are grown men who can be elsewhere and not abuse their families. Not a child.

TrippinEdBalls · 27/03/2022 23:16

It’s saying ‘don’t torment your sister’ which is a fairly standard phrase parents all over the land say.

But you seem to be suggesting that should have been OP's reaction when the sister grabbed him by the neck of his clothing - to tell him that he mustn't say something that could provoke her. You seem to be endlessly looking for reasons to discount her really quite extreme and persistent violence and to find someone else's words that must be the real source of the problem.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 23:18

I think it’s more that the tormenting should have been stopped immediately rather than sitting back and watching one child get on at the other who has already been pulled up and therefore will feel embarrassed. Not that you should wait til the child has been attacked and say well you shouldn’t have wound her up.

Like how I wouldn’t allow dd to tease/goad/pick at her brother after I’d pulled him up on something because it’s not what we do, and of course it will lead to someone feeling piled on.

saraclara · 27/03/2022 23:18

From the OP:

She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me.

...and yet the post ratio of empathy to blame for the OP is about 1:100 at best.

The idea that OP expressing sadness that none of her kids cared to think about Mother's Day is apparently worse than her being attacked, downed and punched in the head (never mind all the bed stripping and drawer strewing) is quite bizarre. There's not a poster here, I swear, who would be other than distraught at being attacked like that, and OP absolutely did not deserve it (nor did the siblings deserve the fright they must have had when this happened)

MN is awful sometimes. I hope you're doing okay, OP.

Kanaloa · 27/03/2022 23:20

But I will repeat that I don’t think the dd’s actions were acceptable - there should be no violence in a home at any time. I do however believe as parents we should always be looking at how we can prevent repeated issues and teach better communication and it starts with us not making kids feel guilty/ashamed but rather building positive associations. This could all have been dealt with in a positive way, building a more positive way of communication for all the kids. Even the two year old would then associate gift giving with smiling happy mum and not having to apologise/feel ashamed and see siblings fighting in stress etc.

eldora · 27/03/2022 23:20

@Kanaloa

I think it’s more that the tormenting should have been stopped immediately rather than sitting back and watching one child get on at the other who has already been pulled up and therefore will feel embarrassed. Not that you should wait til the child has been attacked and say well you shouldn’t have wound her up.

Like how I wouldn’t allow dd to tease/goad/pick at her brother after I’d pulled him up on something because it’s not what we do, and of course it will lead to someone feeling piled on.

There is nothing in the OP that suggests she sat back and watched one child attack the other. It sounds like it happened quickly:

DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs