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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
phishy · 27/03/2022 22:20

Because she’s not even sorry for causing actual physical harm to her own mum.

Enough4me · 27/03/2022 22:22

My son is 12 and has ADD, today he decided he didn't want to get up and was going to be in an angry mood when he did. When I reminded him it was mother's day he didn't change because anger is about the person feeling it. He gave me his card when my partner reminded him, but was still in a mood. I can empathise as I am someone who has ADD traits - I know what it's like to feel red hot rage and emotional management is something I have to proactively stay on top of.

I find very clear messages work best for my son. No long explanations, tell him what he didn't do then give him time to process separately. If I keep talking he becomes overwhelmed and aggressive. With time to think he calms down and apologises. Doesn't always work and he's broken things (expensive things) but not hit me. When he's behaving well he gets praise and recognition that he is behaving well.

Keep to very simple messages when emotions are high.

UltimateIrritant · 27/03/2022 22:22

In my opinion the op sounds like a loving, caring and understandably concerned mum.
None of us gets it right first time every time and some of the judgemental comments on this thread are horrid.
The op behaved perfectly understandably at the time, in the face of severe provocation and remained calm after being punched three times fgs! - hats off to the op.

Her dd has anger management issues, not unheard of in pubescent children, and I think the op has realised that these need addressing and that there may be ways the op herself can find to help disuse the worst of these situations.

She clearly recognises this and I’m sure will seek out the appropriate advice. Her dd obviously has supportive parents - even if she doesn’t realise it right now, and will more than likely ‘come out the other side’ a fully functioning pleasant human being.

MakeThingsRight · 27/03/2022 22:23

I have experience OP, to the extent of broken bones. Off to sleep now but will rtft tomorrow and see if I can advise. Don't forget your DD will be massively hating herself right now.

doingmydoodie · 27/03/2022 22:25

OP, I have a child whose temper went from 'completely fine' to 'white hot with rage' within seconds when he was younger. He also has Asperger's (I know it has a different label now, but it didn't then). I was exhausted by trying to predict what might set it off. I remember him doing all sorts of destructive things which I prefer not to think about now. He is now an adult, and has learned ways to control his temper, fortunately.

One thing for sure - regardless of whatever people advise on here - is that if you have a child with a temper, the absolute worst thing you can do is shout at them while they're angry. Or do anything at all, in fact. They simply can't hear you. They are so consumed by anger that their brains can't process anything else.

Whoever suggested upthread that smacking the child would sort the problem out is frankly mad. Why on earth would you hit a child to demonstrate to them why they shouldn't hit anyone? Likewise shouting. Why raise your voice at a child in order to tell them to stop shouting?

The OP's behaviour was, in the circumstances, right. She is also questioning whether she might have a tendency to emotionally blackmail the DC, so she's doing her bit there.

I think she and her husband need to have a conversation with their DD about exactly why she thought it was okay to assault her mother and take it from there (I wouldn't worry about her saying she wished you were dead - children say all kinds of stupid stuff). I think you may well need support with this, though, as it's not something she can continue to do as she gets older, and there is a real risk that she might do it to someone else and end up in serious trouble.

ChickenyChick · 27/03/2022 22:25

she behaved awfully, but what the heck is with the martyrdom about you having hurt feelings about lack of presents, and the 2 yr old apologising (what? how sad, they're still a baby and already have to appease mummy's moods), the 9yr old getting mega stressed, and the 11 yr old running off with you then following her, then randomly taking away her sweets

so yes, she flipped out big time (and was wrong), but the first thing to look at is your own parenting and how you treat her.

There's a lot of pressure on that girl :(

LowlandLucky · 27/03/2022 22:26

swayingpalmtrees Jon Venables and Robert Thompson were both 10 years old when they abducted and killed James Bulger so using your excuse they should never have been punished, after all they were "just
children" Is that what you truly believe ?

Eyedropeyeflop · 27/03/2022 22:27

Her needs definitely sound like they are not being met due to her having ALL the power, so effectively a lack of parenting/boundaries. That’s a trauma in itself not being parented, but on the “surface” it looks like she’s just being a spoilt brat and that mum is being “calm and reflective”.

When the brutal reality is the child’s needs are not being met at all because the parent can’t parent (I.E Implement boundaries).

This child is ANGRY. And there will be a reason. We have NO idea of the dynamic in this household.

Holidays27 · 27/03/2022 22:28

I will definitely speak to the GP, get her some blood test and assessment if needed; will look at her online activity and what games is she playing. Such an aggressive behaviour is not normal

Innocenta · 27/03/2022 22:30

@LowlandLucky Appropriate punishment and rehabilitation for children who commit such serious offences is incredibly difficult. Of course there is a visceral wish to punish that many (probably most) people feel. We still have to be guided by research when making decisions; what else would you suggest?

(Remember that Mary Bell, for example, did not reoffend and appears to have been completely successfully rehabilitated.)

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 22:30

@LowlandLucky

swayingpalmtrees Jon Venables and Robert Thompson were both 10 years old when they abducted and killed James Bulger so using your excuse they should never have been punished, after all they were "just children" Is that what you truly believe ?
It’s what I truly believe. That case was absolutely horrendous but someone stepping in and showing them love and compassion might (might!) have stopped them from killing. And trying them as adults was, in my opinion, wrong.
Flipflopssndsocks · 27/03/2022 22:30

The most relevant point about Venables and Thompson is that both to some extent and one in particular had many ACE experiences.

Couchbettato · 27/03/2022 22:31

I agree with pumper to be honest.

It sounds like DS is a people pleaser, which will do him no favours in life and it sounds like DD is the scapegoat.

No, she should not have reacted with violence, yes, I do think she needs better coping strategies that maybe you as a parent cannot give her so perhaps needs professional intervention, but ultimately you're the adult.

So what if she eats some sweets and talks to her friends to de-escalate? I bet you'd have had a better outcome if you'd left her to it and then had a quiet word with her later on about why she did what she did, and to let her know that gift and card or no gift and card, you still love her.

Instead, from her perspective as a child with an immature prefrontal cortex and poor impulse control, she perhaps made a mistake with the chocolates, and then felt absolutely humiliated and ganged up on by you and then your son.

cansu · 27/03/2022 22:32

Your dd obviously has real issues with her behaviour as this is a very extreme reaction. However, I think that gifts should come from the children themselves or they should be helped. You could have maybe said jokily: Come on then, who's got my choccies? Regardless, her reaction is completely unacceptable especially given she has no special needs that would explain her behaviour.

StationaryMagpie · 27/03/2022 22:32

unless you've been attacked by your child, you have NO idea what its like, and no place to judge someone for being shocked/confused by it.

I've been there. My ds has asd/adhd, and has attacked me during meltdowns, twice, and it meant i've had to adjust my parenting, learn his triggers and how to handle him if we get to the point he could turn aggressive.

OP, i hope you're ok and not hurt, it must have been an awful shock, and all credit to you for remaining calm afterwards.

While i'm not going to join the 'you did nothing wrong' brigade, i'm also not going to sit in the 'its all your fault' camp either.

Clearly there is some self analysis you need to do here, some talking to DD, some adjustment to your parenting, and some working out on how the situation escalated to where it did, and how you can work on preventing it from happening again.

Eyedropeyeflop · 27/03/2022 22:32

@UltimateIrritant

This isn’t normal pre adolescent behaviour though is it? We’re not talking about a huffy/puffy tween here and she no special educational needs.

Neurotypical 11 year olds who attend anger management most certainly have problems within the home relating to a dysfunctional dynamic.

Queenie6655 · 27/03/2022 22:33

Just sending good wishes

My 4 year old dd was very violent this weekend

Had really thrown me and I'm so upset by it all

Innocenta · 27/03/2022 22:34

Trying children as adults now is something that no country with a modern, functional justice system should be doing. Indefensible, considering the neuroscience.

Eyedropeyeflop · 27/03/2022 22:37

Venables and Thompson had NO empathy because of ACEs (trauma). If they were parented more effectively they most certainly wouldn’t have gone on to kill a child. They were disturbed kids.

And we can blame their parents for the wider determinants of that. Absolutely.

Enough4me · 27/03/2022 22:38

@Eyedropeyeflop she may have differences and cover them apart from when she feels emotionally overwhelmed. I have covered my natural responses for over 40 years, girls are encouraged to present a certain way so it's not always easy to see the differences.

GLTM · 27/03/2022 22:38

I agree OP did guilt trip and it was overwhelming for her DD who then lashed out.

BellePeppa · 27/03/2022 22:38

@Couchbettato

I agree with pumper to be honest.

It sounds like DS is a people pleaser, which will do him no favours in life and it sounds like DD is the scapegoat.

No, she should not have reacted with violence, yes, I do think she needs better coping strategies that maybe you as a parent cannot give her so perhaps needs professional intervention, but ultimately you're the adult.

So what if she eats some sweets and talks to her friends to de-escalate? I bet you'd have had a better outcome if you'd left her to it and then had a quiet word with her later on about why she did what she did, and to let her know that gift and card or no gift and card, you still love her.

Instead, from her perspective as a child with an immature prefrontal cortex and poor impulse control, she perhaps made a mistake with the chocolates, and then felt absolutely humiliated and ganged up on by you and then your son.

Would you have beaten your mother up when you were a child? All these excuses, the OP shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells in case her 11 year old daughter beats her up!
PyongyangKipperbang · 27/03/2022 22:39

Reminding children that they have been thoughtless is not "guilt tripping" anyone, its pointing out that there are a few times that we should all think of others and Mothers day for many is one of them. The same for birthdays.

Saying "I am little hurt that you didnt think of today being Mothers Day" is not the same as lying on the sofa in floods of tears yelling "no one loves me!!!!". Its a life lesson and one that it seems a lot of people could do with learning!

OP I think the private referral is a good way to go, you will get a faster referral for a start and hopefully better care as you have more choice when you are paying.

My son was fucking vile for the last 3 years, he was basically trying to Alpha me as I becamse single after ex moved out. He is now coming on 17 and has started to become human again, I asked him on thursday to put the bin out (his only job) safe in knowledge I would be doing it myself. I looked later and.....the bin was out Shock! I have 2 boys and three girls and I noticed that the girls tend to become foul teens earlier than the boys but also seem to grow out of it sooner so fingers crossed for you.

Good luck.

saraclara · 27/03/2022 22:39

She behaved badly and it was out of order but it doesn’t sound like you handled it well. This is the type of thing my mother would have done to me as a kid, sort of looking for a reason to punish me for something (the card) and finding one.

@Kanaloa OP didn't punish her for the lack of a card. She punished her for assaulting her brother. Your own history has blinded you from reading what OP actually wrote. She is not your mother.