11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

All the posts encouraging OP to empathise with her child less, show her less love etc are really disturbing.

OP herself is self-reflective and loving (while still holding a firm boundary against tolerating any sort of violence) and is clearly a good mum. Not a perfect mum but there’s no such thing.

I hope you are OK OP, it's frightening when things like this happen and your efforts to take control backfire, by escalating behaviours further. DD will be feeling terrible too. Try not to get yourself in a state worrying about her future. Think about finding support now, once you are over the shock. Professionals can support you in finding ways to support DD with emotional regulation, and avoiding escalating behaviours. Sending her to her room, for hurting her brother was fine, and she went, another plus. She then needed time to calm down and think, not be antagonised further - you could then have talked again when she was calm. You can't reason with someone when they are emotionally distressed. I very much doubt that your daughter actively decided not to acknowledge mother's day,she obviously still needs a non guilt tripping prompt, like "yeah Mother's Day! I wonder if I get anything?". These things are obvious to outsiders reading - easier said than done in practice - Early Help could be an excellent source if support, and could point you in the right direction for emotional support/assessment for DD. Good Luck and hope you get some sleep 💐

Not excusing her behaviour at all, just trying to understand it. Wondering if she felt a bit cornered. She will be typically selfish at that age. You basically embarrassed her in front if her siblings for forgetting mother's day, that's probably why she hurt her brother and then chased her upstairs when she was angry. My daughter's that age and some of the behaviour of girls on her year is truly awful. I know you probably won't feel like it but maybe try to have some quality time just with her. I've often found this really helps when things get tough. And yes, get her some help. It also sounds a lot like adhd.

She behaved badly and it was out of order but it doesn’t sound like you handled it well. This is the type of thing my mother would have done to me as a kid, sort of looking for a reason to punish me for something (the card) and finding one.

Following her and saying she couldn’t have sweets then removing her items after making a big thing of saying how hurt you were that they hadn’t done Mother’s Day seems a bit over the top. I think there’s ways you could have handled it better.

My eldest is also 11 and DH supports my kids with Mother’s Day. On Father’s Day I support them too, things such as sitting down a week before and seeing how much money they have/is there anything special they’d like to do etc. Rather than waiting then telling them how hurt we are that they didn’t sort it out/remember.

I agree however that they don’t turn violent out of the blue. I guess what the Op refers as tantrums is actually the escalating bad behaviour that has resulted in this today.

And what if we find out she is being bulllieecabd hit at school? Groomed on line? Hurt by her so called friends - overwhelmed with life - would we still wish to ‘punish’ her.
Surely a child learns empathy, kindness and forgiveness by experiencing those things thenmselves?
She is 11 - just a child -

Totally agree that saying ‘I love you’ and running her a bath is no deterrent to this behaviour. She needs some kind of pretty harsh sanction in order to learn it’s not acceptable and to not do it ever again

@reallyupset11yodd some of the posters have their own issues with their mothers, or have issues with authority. Do not let these people make you feel bad. You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG and you are 100% correct in your approach to look for help in looking into your DDs behaviour. If anyone in the future makes your DD feel slightly guilty (homework forgotten, a friend let down by something, etc) what will happen if your DD lashes out similarly? You said originally that you wondered if your DD lacked empathy - that is concerning. Please don't feel you are in any way to blame for the escalation of your DDs behaviour- you're not. If you'd cruelly goaded her, over-punished her, have been cruel and abusive- it might explain a reaction like this- but you didn't.

I’m noting the continued use of the work punishment with its emotive connotations and an ongoing ignorance towards the concept of consequences of behaviour being and important lesson in some posters on this thread.

Mrs TP is right about the issues of prisoners. In particular ACEs. One protective measure is stability; that means boundaries. There’s endless evidence that not enforcing boundaries creates instability in children.

Consequences am doesn’t mean locking your child in a room and beating them. It means being consistent and showing where boundaries are and enforcing appropriate results when they are broken. The point is allowing ways for the child to learn to regulate their behaviour and to find ways to return from incidents of bad behaviour.

Op, there’s also an important element here of protecting your younger children and making sure they are not either hurt physically in the future or become acclimatised to violence being acceptable. It’s not easy.

“Oh and FYI - 'No consequences for bad behaviour' in parenting is precisely why the prisons are full to capacity.......”

SpringsSprung the OP needs something more evidence based than an over confident but ill informed diatribe.

TerryP is again, entirely right. Factually right. Anyone who works in prisons or with their likely inhabitants knows this. Very young children in primary schools already understand that peers with poor parents and life experiences struggle yet you see this as an excuse.

OP your reflection will serve you well. Wishing you luck with restoring boundaries and building relationships.

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH. OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.

I couldn’t imagine treating my mother like that and at eleven!! Astonishing that there are people here blaming the OP, the child is an out of control brat who years ago would have got a good wallop (I’m not in favour of that but that is what would have happened). I suspect if the dad had been there and asked the kids about the gifts this brattish child would not have tried to beat up her dad or thrown his paperwork about.

@bellac11 If you think a nine year old can't be a shit stirrer, you're being incredibly naive.

Surely some people on this thread are on the wind up. Sorry you’ve had such a shit day OP

I bet many of the posters urging zero empathy, zero compassion, calling the police blah blah would have empathy for a parent losing their temper and hitting their child.

I dread to think what my mother would have done if I'd hit her. I still loved her and respected her.

As there’s no SEN or other issues then I’m sorry but she sounds like a brat.

I’m sorry you were hurt, OP. I hope you can tackle this but I wouldn’t allow her to rule the house with her temper tantrums.

My sister was similar, couldn’t control her temper and was violent and she often made my childhood miserable. She’s the same now as an adult and we are NC.

I’m on the fence about this. When I first read it I thought god how awful and why are people victim blaming.

But then I read it again and thought about it. And I also struggle to comprehend the ops approach I don’t believe for one moment there was no time to mention this to any child all day, and then to wait till they sit down for their dinner and instead of jovially saying, where’s my pressies then, it’s been a busy day, to launch into “I’m hurt” and to do it in such a way even a two year old apologises, why would such a young child do that? And then the son has a go at the daughter?

I’m sorry op. But it sounds highly dysfunctional and this isn’t a new dynamic if a two year old knew exactly what to do. They had nothing to apologise for, your son ran from the table, then had a go at his sister. Your toddler felt they needed to hug you and say sorry.

So whatever you said at that table, wasn’t quite so benign. Did you bide your time planning what to say to them?

@Afan

The first page has me baffled. Sometimes this site is like the twilight zone - at best I would say she’s lost her mind and needs psychological help. If found to be neurological then no calmly removing possessions will do. One of my teens once tried to get aggressive with me (no where near OP situation)…..I removed her ‘room’. Blow up bed in front room. Till she learnt manners.

That’s absolutely disgusting. Shame on you.

Doesn’t seem normal. Does she have any issues? Has she always been like that?

If not, could it be caused by too much online and gaming activity? Does she have screen time restrictions? Why has she got an iphone, laptop and ipad when she is only 11?

I'm not going to go over what other posters have said

But those saying 11yo don;t know about Mothers Day ... What?

You cannot escape from it , unless you live in a cave , it is everywhere .
And the DH bought chocolates and a card .

My DC would've been there at 7am , hoping to have the sweets open and shared !

At the very least , if that was my child they;d be tidying up every scrap of paper in my office (unless its confidential in which case she shouldn't have acess ) . There would be cries of how tedious and boring but why should one persons temper explosion lead to another person doing hours of work?

My DS went through a daft phase about Yr 6 (so 10yo) where he'd walk past me and give a slap on the shoulder , it was a stupid thing they all did at school. (like Happy Slapping )
I got so pissed off , I grabbed his hand before it made contact and shouted at him , not to , I wasn;t one of his playground mates , I was his Mother and it hurts . I hurt .
I think I burst inti tears , he was shocked , it made him think about his acrionand he stopped .
He's an adult now . I really couldn't imagine him pushing me to the floor and slapping my head though.

@ReadtheFT

One of the times where I think it would be good for DC to see parents lose their shit. Staying calm, not raising your voice... Fuck that. A good smack to remind her who's in charge. Outbursts yes, violence to your own mother? Not acceptable in the slightest. She s 11,not 20. I would also not talk to her for a while, remove all privileges and get her to fox the mess(beds and work papers). After that a good chat, reading books and all that stuff.

This post advises the OP to give her 11 year old "a good smack". I don't know if it's against guidelines but it seems like it should be!

She's old enough to understand that actions have consequences.

Whether or not there was provocation, physically hurting someone is not acceptable.

OP, I think you've acted perfectly right. I'd agree that she needs a calm conversation about WHY the situation escalated, but she also needs to understand that she made x decision, which had y consequence. Nothing wrong with that.

Children being about to be gently supported and cosseted through ongoing bad behaviour without understanding any ramifications of it does them NO favours.

@BingBangB0ng

I bet many of the posters urging zero empathy, zero compassion, calling the police blah blah would have empathy for a parent losing their temper and hitting their child.

Sadly, I agree. Very disturbing to see people implying that the "natural" reaction would be to hit OP's daughter.