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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 21:57

she should be ashamed of herself.

I expect she already is, and that's quite possibly one of the reasons for this extreme reaction.

Mycatsgoldtooth · 27/03/2022 21:57

There is no way the child’s behaviour was justified. I have children with SEN who are very explosive. However hitting each other and hitting parents is a complete no. I don’t think OP did anything wrong and I have no idea why people on this thread are critiquing the OP’s response.

Notanotherwindow · 27/03/2022 21:58

@LadyTwinkle So if you wind me up it's perfectly understandable if I come round, push you down and punch you 3 times in the head, is it?

The card is a red herring. Her upbringing/discipline is the issue here not whether the OP was upset at not getting a card for mothers day. I'd be quite hurt too tbh especially as she didn't have to go to any effort at all, her dad sorted it for her!

SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 21:59

@MrsTerryPratchett

Oh and FYI - 'No consequences for bad behaviour' in parenting is precisely why the prisons are full to capacity.......

@SpringsSprung I've worked in prisons, treatment, housing, SW for decades. The reason people are in prison is a list including: abuse and neglect, bereavement, witnessing violence as a child, head injuries, addiction, cognitive disabilities, sexual abuse in childhood, trauma, MH, PTSD and on and on. If you removed all the people who had MH issues, head injuries and trauma from prison, they'd be a ghost town.

Permissive parenting makes people a pain in the arse, but it doesn't land them in prison without something else going on. My guess is that the children raising hell were also witnessing violence at home.

Wow so now you're making excuses for all the criminals in prison?????? Jesus H Christ on a bike. I've heard it all now!
TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 21:59

Yep, she is most definitely over the age of criminal responsibility, this is not a bloody toddler not able to control her feelings.

I cannot believe so many people trying to find good reasons for a 12 year old to behave like that. It is assault, pure and simple. If you let this one go, the next one will be far worse. She has learned today she can be that bad and still nothing happens. Not exactly the way to get any respect.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/03/2022 21:59

@VeganGod
Get a grip, you’re making excuses for her. The daughter was way out of line. Nothing justifies her behaviour. Some kids are just bratty with a temper. End of.

Liamgallaghersparka · 27/03/2022 22:00

@FlowersFlowersEverywhere

What actual planet are you on? The OP calmly pointed something out, her daughter hurt another child so she got punished. And when spoken to again calmly she reacts by physically attacking her mother. She needs clamping down on, hard, before she realised she can get away with this kind of behaviour. She would be losing her phone and iPad for a month and eating dinner in her room for a week in our house. Physical assault is not on. Ever.
This x 10000.
Swayingpalmtrees · 27/03/2022 22:00

I agree with mrs if the violence isn’t being learnt at home then where? Children from loving non violent homes don’t suddenly turn into violent attackers without a reason.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/03/2022 22:01

@DomesticatedZombie

she should be ashamed of herself.

I expect she already is, and that's quite possibly one of the reasons for this extreme reaction.

@DomesticatedZombie Good. She should be ashamed. And no that feeling of shame doesn’t justify violence.
a1poshpaws · 27/03/2022 22:01

Pumperthepumper to me it seems that the OP did nothing wrong, in fact quite the opposite. Being totally honest, although I'm sure you'll disagree with me, the tone of your responses to her OP suggests to me that the post was somehow triggering for you, and your responses to it are a way of protecting part of yourself.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 22:01

[quote LuckySantangelo35]@VeganGod
Get a grip, you’re making excuses for her. The daughter was way out of line. Nothing justifies her behaviour. Some kids are just bratty with a temper. End of.[/quote]
Except that’s not the end, is it? They still deserve a good life, they need to be taught how to manage that temper. And it’s much, much easier to teach them age 11 than age 31.

spectre1356 · 27/03/2022 22:01

@VeganGod

It was a guilt trip, and you know it was. She’s 11 years old, she has very little control over her life. So you introduced the conversation, punished her, followed her, punished her again, she reacted violently and…you punished her more. Massive communication breakdown, and you’re the adult in this situation.

This.

Also you should have told shit stirring little brother to keep out when he told her she should be doing something. He’d only remembered after you said something yet you let him stir the pot.

What? Her brother obviously said something to his sister because she had the gift and card that their dad had left with her. How is that shit stirring?
melissasummerfield · 27/03/2022 22:02

You reference that she has always had a temper - this should have been dealt with when she was younger but you have let this poor behaviour continue and now you are at the point where she has no respect for you as a parent or adult.

This is why it is so important to be a parent first and a friend second. My mum raised 4 dc and we had a healthy level of respect / fear of consequences and as such we would never of dreamed of being violent towards her, and before anyone says it, no she never hit any of us ever.

I find hitting or hurting children absolutely awful and unnecessary if you have established boundaries, but in this situation i would have absolutely grabbed her and shouted very loudly that what she hadn’t done was acceptable.

Think about how allowing this shitty behaviour is going to affect your other dc, sounds like she is already bullying them. They will remember you letting her do this to them and resent you for it.

Innocenta · 27/03/2022 22:02

@TheBigDilemma She doesn't have a fully developed brain. The age of criminal responsibility isn't the be all and end all.

CrocodilesCry · 27/03/2022 22:02

I do hope you're ok OP. It seems a lot of folk on this thread seem to forget that you've been assaulted by your daughter, which must be shocking and devastating for you - regardless of any behavioural, emotial or hormonal reasons behind it.

She literally beat her mother about the head. Knocked her to the ground and physically beat her - and some of you are blaming the OP for guilting her daughter and backing her into a corner?

I hope DH is home soon and you can find a way to navigate the next few days/weeks and see what support she and you need to make sure this never, ever happens again. You must be devastated, I'm so sorry.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 22:02

@LadyTwinkle

So you basically wound your daughter up and made her feel guilty and like an awful person because she didn't give you the gift you knew she had. It wasn't like she hadn't got you anything she just hadn't given it to you yet. She's 11 fgs. the situation didn't need to escalate to violence. This is exactly the sort of gaslighting type of crap my mum used to do to me. Which would give me an internal rage. She would orchestrate the situation to make herself the victim of her horrible children, but that was just in her head. You can't punish someone for not giving you a gift. It should come from the heart. Just because you're her mum doesn't mean you deserve it. Maybe she just didn't want to give you a present? And to be fair given your reaction l don't blame her.
Did you read the OP at all, she was punished because she was cruel and aggressive to her brother

Who another poster has utterly and inappropriately referred to as a 'shit stirrer'. A 9 year old!!!!

SpringsSprung · 27/03/2022 22:02

@TheBigDilemma

Yep, she is most definitely over the age of criminal responsibility, this is not a bloody toddler not able to control her feelings.

I cannot believe so many people trying to find good reasons for a 12 year old to behave like that. It is assault, pure and simple. If you let this one go, the next one will be far worse. She has learned today she can be that bad and still nothing happens. Not exactly the way to get any respect.

It's shocking isn't it?

Meanwhile poor OP has been assaulted by one of the people she loves the most and is getting zero support ~whilst her husband is away so she's alone with her thoughts~ due to all the victim blaming nonsense posts.

Eyedropeyeflop · 27/03/2022 22:02

@LuckySantangelo35

11 year olds from stable, emotionally responsive homes do not act like this unless there is a reason. This wasn’t a pre adolescent temper tantrum. This was severe, violent behaviour which sounds more like an emerging personality disorder than any SEN needs (OP has stated no SEN).

And on the subject of “personality disorders”…. No such thing. The “symptoms” of PD are rooted in trauma.

Now either something is going on in this child’s life we do not know about or the severe lack of boundaries is causing huge anger issues in this child (child is literally angry as parent cannot parent) and by that I mean implement boundaries.

Being assaulted and then running a bath and saying I love you absolutely screams poor boundaries. It’s very frightening for children when they rule the roost, and this 11 year old is dominating her mother quite clearly.

TheBigDilemma · 27/03/2022 22:03

@Swayingpalmtrees

I agree with mrs if the violence isn’t being learnt at home then where? Children from loving non violent homes don’t suddenly turn into violent attackers without a reason.
Some turn violent because they have never had any consequences to their nasty behaviours. People don’t get violent because they see violence, they do because they learned they can get away with it.
LuckySantangelo35 · 27/03/2022 22:03

[quote Innocenta]@TheBigDilemma She doesn't have a fully developed brain. The age of criminal responsibility isn't the be all and end all. [/quote]
@Innocenta

The Human brain keep developing until the age of around 26. Are you saying people should get away with family crimes until them?!

Innocenta · 27/03/2022 22:04

@SpringsSprung You may not like it, but that doesn't make it any less true. People end up in prison because of things that happen to them, which then lead them to behave in certain ways.

Obviously some people do need to be there. But many shouldn't be, and in a lot of cases the system has let people down tragically.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 22:04

@a1poshpaws

Pumperthepumper to me it seems that the OP did nothing wrong, in fact quite the opposite. Being totally honest, although I'm sure you'll disagree with me, the tone of your responses to her OP suggests to me that the post was somehow triggering for you, and your responses to it are a way of protecting part of yourself.
No, not for me. But for a lot of children I see, this is absolutely what their home life is like. And it’s a kind of weird situation because the parents are decent people, they want the best for their kids so they respond out of a kind of fear of being out of control or their kid being somehow ‘in charge’ of the household. Kids don’t respond well to rigid punishments, they need flexibility and understanding, they need someone to be on their team. Endless punishments when they step out of line doesn’t work because they can’t change their behaviour or go back in time and fix it.
Loveacardigan · 27/03/2022 22:04

I think you need to have a calm conversation with her about how her actions have impacted on you and how they have made you feel and what needs to happen to make it better for you. Violence is not ok and you have said she lacks empathy so she needs some teaching around how her actions have impacted you. Removing items like phones etc provides a consequence but it doesn’t necessary help her to learn to be a better human. Has she had any support to her understand and manage her anger?

Innocenta · 27/03/2022 22:05

@LuckySantangelo35 Nope. But I think a holistic, evidence-based discussion is more sensible and helpful than banging on about the age of criminal responsibility.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2022 22:05

Wow so now you're making excuses for all the criminals in prison?????? Jesus H Christ on a bike. I've heard it all now!

Reasons and antecedents, not excuses. Do you think I'm lying? That the prisons and treatment centres I worked in weren't full of adults with trauma? That they're all people with wet but nice parents?

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