11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

Couple of things

Yes in an ideal world you would have brought the lack of card up playfully or with curiosity instead of laying on the guilt but we all get it wrong sometimes - good to realise for next time. She felt shame from you and her brother. She also needed time to cool off probably and it sounds like she went into fight or flight mode when you followed her.

Being academic, sporty or having friends doesn't mean no SEN.

Also your DD is on the cusp of / experiencing big hormonal changes which may mean more anger.

Not an excuse but perhaps an explanation.

I hope the Ross Greene book helps. Good luck

I think you did nothing wrong and what she did was awful and totally unacceptable.

I would leave hear in her room, and wait for her father to come home. Then let him have a good talk to her, if he’s good at this sort of thing. I think punishment is warranted.

I am drawn to a couple of posters who mentioned being externally confident/achieving but internally were anxious and angry due to ADHD. DD is a deep thinker, quick to be embarrassed, quick to anger and I think she does get anxious, she also lacks focus at times (takes ages to get ready/forgets basics like brushing teeth without being reminded ).

The great thing about ADHD parenting techniques is that they work on all children. They're just the ONLY thing that works with children with ADHD. We're an ADHD family and learning how to request without 'nagging' and guilt tripping or being too wordy helps immensely. And yes, having terrible impulse control and a lack of executive functioning is a total PITA. It's worth getting her some help to see what's going on.

Guilt-tripping is absolutely embedded in a lot of what we all do to each other. Some children are really sensitive to it. Some aren't. It also sounds like there might be a little golden child/black sheep dynamic as well with her DBro. Even if it's only from him! Have a think about how you were parented. Did you feel responsible for your parents' feelings, were you guilted?

But for now, rest and feel better.

FlipFlop has a great post too having been through it. They often do feel awful afterwards.

Mrs TP exactly! I teach some of these techniques to parents with ND children yet they work for everyone....

@BingBangB0ng why isn’t it helpful? It’s important to keep things in perspective. I have been bigger and probably stronger than my mother since l was 11. Me punching her in the head a few times would have definitely hurt her. 11 year olds bad behaviour was being challenged. Isn’t that what a decent parent does? Or should OP let 11 year old rule the roost and bully / intimidate others in the house at will?! This thread gives the vibe she should

I'm sorry that happened to you, OP. Whatever the family dynamics or the things said, no one should experience violence like that in their home.

I would be looking at adhd it presents differently in girls

I was a high achievers at school, when I could be arsed

I suffered dreadfully with anger issues and only as a adult when I was diagnosed did my childhood make sense.

I wish I was supported and understood as a child instead of being labelled a naughty horrid angry kid

If she was mine I would be looking into it ADHD more, just in case as if so she needs support and understanding

@Comedycook

Op..I'd have called the police

Yes criminalising an 11 year old child sounds an excellent plan....

For many young people, their parents calling the police is the absolute best thing that could happen and becomes a turning point. Do you really think OP would press charges? Of course not! The officers would have a chat with the child which would sufficiently spook them into realising what could have been the consequences to their despicable actions. I saw a documentary once on adults who were extremely wayward teens - those who's parents called the police (who warned them) say it's the best thing their parents could've done. That it became a turning point and a HUGE wake up call for them.

Open your eyes a bit!

@reallyupset11yodd Honestly, I'd call 101 and request to be contacted by a PCSO. Then ask if they can come round and have a firm word with your child.
Before people start rabbiting on about Police Resources - PCSOs (and regular officers usually) are more than happy to come and have a word with children/teens; Especially if it prevents future crimes from being committed.

My older daughter was like this from a young age. She almost never did any of the physical stuff in front of her dad, but he was away working quite often and she was a terror when he wasn’t home. We did take things away, but she was very difficult. In retrospect, I should have taken her to a therapist. I feel like there were/are some mental health issues that should have been addressed. She is nearly 30 now and pretty normal. She still has more difficulty with peers more than my other children ever have.

@VeganGod

It was a guilt trip, and you know it was. She’s 11 years old, she has very little control over her life. So you introduced the conversation, punished her, followed her, punished her again, she reacted violently and…you punished her more. Massive communication breakdown, and you’re the adult in this situation.

This.

Also you should have told shit stirring little brother to keep out when he told her she should be doing something. He’d only remembered after you said something yet you let him stir the pot.

@VeganGod

So it’s everyone else’s fault but the one who’s actually done wrong .. oh please.

Some of the advice here is wild.

So she has no SEN and is from a loving and stable home?

Well something isn’t adding up. Children from stable environments do not behave in that way. She sounds seriously emotionally dysregulated. The guilt trip instantly jumped out on me. Your 11 year old sounds incredibly angry and I would bet there is a reason why, and perhaps you don’t have any insight. (And it’s not something that really could be speculated on here I guess).

Children with no SEN very rarely attack their parents for no reason. There WILL be a reason why this child is so angry.

@Pumperthepumper Thanks Rocking

I think you missed the joke there! 🤣

Oh and FYI - 'No consequences for bad behaviour' in parenting is precisely why the prisons are full to capacity.......

@reallyupset11yodd

For what it's worth, I think you sound like an amazing mother. It's clear in every single one of your posts that your overriding emotions are worry and sadness, rather than retribution and anger. Your first concern throughout is for your daughter.

I have a feeling she'll get through this when so many kids don't, and are just labelled as "difficult" or a problem. That won't happen to your DD for one single reason. You are firmly in her corner. You listened and took on board what was said to you here in a way that is really admirable

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie

Why was it just her supposedly responsible for the mothers day stuff?

Do you treat her and her brother differently? There isn't that much of an age difference?

🙄 Maybe read the OP again one more time....

@ReadtheFT

One of the times where I think it would be good for DC to see parents lose their shit. Staying calm, not raising your voice... Fuck that. A good smack to remind her who's in charge. Outbursts yes, violence to your own mother? Not acceptable in the slightest. She s 11,not 20. I would also not talk to her for a while, remove all privileges and get her to fox the mess(beds and work papers). After that a good chat, reading books and all that stuff.

Thank goodness. Some common sense. I know what would have happened to me if I'd have attempted such behaviour at 11. And I'd have grown up to be grateful for it too. In fact I have.

But she has always had a temper and struggled to keep it in check

Well she's going to have to learn isn't she, because left unchecked she will turn into a violent and abusive adult.

People like pumper don't seem to grasp that people don't turn into reasonable human beings by magic when they're 18, and the "sut a child" excuse is no longer valid.

She had an aggressive tantrum because her mother was going to take her sweets off her, and needs concequences.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP and if you don't know how you should learn how to safely restrain her, until it's in check.

OR there is a severe lack of boundaries within the home.

Why did you not raise your voice? You can most certainly raise your voice whilst still controlling your emotions.

I just can’t imagine my daughter hitting me and me just “calmly” walking away. I mean what does that tell her? It tells her she can do what the hell she likes.

There is a difference between firmly raising your voice and screaming.

No it really isnt Spring. Have you looked at statistics of those in prison with dyslexia, trauma, high ACEs etc. And does prison actually work in most cases....?

I'm quite shocked at the posts on here saying that op almost deserved to get hit because she expressed her disappointment to her children.
For crying out loud are we supposed to tiptoe around our children pretending they're perfect so we don't upset them?
My ds 9 was a bit of a rat bag this morning, I told him I felt quite sad that it was Mother's Day but all he'd done was moan.
OP you didn't do anything wrong in telling them you were disappointed.
However, I would definitely try to get to the root of the problem with dd. Is violence new to her?
Has she recently started her periods? If so it could be hormone related?
Her "punishment" for me would revolve around finding out and sorting the issue.
That might mean she gives up her technology for a while and spends time talking to you, going on walks etc.
It might involve going to the doctors.
Getting the balance here is key. It must not happen again but you still love her.
Sending you and virtual hugs, it's been a rubbish day.

[quote SpringsSprung]**@Pumperthepumper* Thanks Rocking*

I think you missed the joke there! 🤣

Oh and FYI - 'No consequences for bad behaviour' in parenting is precisely why the prisons are full to capacity.......[/quote]
No, it’s not. Most people in prisons have suffered all kids of punishments as children. I can find the exact stats if you like.

*"just a child" excuse is no longer valid.

Sorry to stir it here, but my child has an ADHD diagnosis and if he physically assaulted me (because that is what happened here) I would give him a massive consequence.

I know neurodivergent kids can find things challenging, but if your daughter had some this to someone else she could be charged with assault as she is of an age of criminal responsibility.

Did you handle things perfectly 'no' but it is called being human. It sounds like you are trying very hard to understand why your daughter would act this way and what strategies you can use to improve the situation.

I am sorry this happened to you and it sounds like you are doing all the right things to move the situation forward on a positive way.

Snap Pumper!

Whatever you do, don’t justify that behaviour, it is totally unjustifiable and unacceptable.

Violence needs to be cut in the bud, you don’t run a bath and tell her you love her when she has just assaulted you. Please please do not condone the behaviour and above all don’t blame yourself, what she did is extreme and sadly, shows the little regard she feels for you.

I have a friend with a high achieving, apparently lovely and well mannered kid. She has been hitting her mum for ages, proper beatings as mum is now less strong than her. Looking at the bruises I suggested she called the police if it happened again. It did, the girl had no regrets at all, she calmly blamed her mother and told the police it was self defence. The beatings eventually stopped, not because she grew out of it but because my friends is now too afraid to antagonise her. Much like what happens in abusive relationships.

I suggest you call WomensAid, I am sure they will be better at advising you how to manage this.