How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

Lots of colleges offer sports courses with content covering coaching, anatomy, nutrition etc. The one in Oxford is about personal development specifically around football, being coached rather then learning to coach

There are definitely others like that - I would be very surprised if there was nothing in Inverness along those lines.

One other thing - if he is very talented at football, have you looked at the opportunities for him to do the Level 3 certificate in elite sport? My son did it separately to his A levels and it is offered throughout the UK. However, you have to be invited to do it by your governing body.

Something like this: www.stmarys.ac.uk/short-courses/tals/talented-athlete-lifestyle-support-tals.aspx or qips.ucas.com/qip/pearson-btec-level-3-diploma-sporting-excellence

@TheABC

I've been in your DS' shoes (military family) and felt the disruption from postings first-hand. I would strongly recommend a boarding college that offers the qualifications he wants to do. As a late teen, he is old enough to live away from home and enjoy it. Plus, you get help with the boarding fees which should soften the financial blow.

@TheABC - not military family but agreed - boarding would probably be the best option here. That's if DS is on board with boarding.

It is a crucial time in his life though re studying and your DH's career (whilst important) and you as a new mum also important - well this could impact your DS for a long time.

Just out of interest, where's DS's DF and their family in all of this? Any chance they could help out? Just saying because when me and DB were teens my DF (parents divorced when I was 5 and I reconnected with DF when I was 13) offered to have us both live with him and his new family.

Also talk to the college in Oxford to see if they know of alternatives in Scotland.

@Balonziaga

OP - ignore all the shitty comments.

To answer your original question; HOW should I break it to DS?

Drip feed it to him.

"Oh we've just heard that Oxford might be off - such a shame, but not definite"

"Looking quite unlikely now - let's start researching the PLan B options just in case" (You have some Plan B options to share at this point - either courses in Kinloss or boarding or whatever.

"Wow - this might actually work out better in the long run . Let's wait and see what happens..."

"Ok Oxford is off - but that's ok, because we have this other plan now".

Teenagers feel things hard. Just try and take the sting out and make the actual announcement less dramatic and painful.

Wishing you luck.

This seems the best way of doing it.

I feel for your son but you need to tell him matter of factly, as soon as possible. Acknowledge his disappointment and work through your pre researched options together. He may need time to process his thoughts and decisions. Don’t do anything in a mad rush as his feeling in a week might be different to the day he is told.

Anybody mentioned European options if he’s boarding? A cultural and language opportunity as well as some football?

Good luck with the chat.

The only thing you've done wrong here OP is admit your husband isn't the biological father of your teen. I'm sure you'd have got far fewer judgemental replies if you hadn't. I don't know why it's the case on here that some people almost relish pointing out that biological children always get favoured in a blended family

There was a post yonks ago where somebody wanted advice as she was a bedroom short for her youngest child and her stepson stayed 1 night a week. Apparently she was supposed to let her toddler sleep in a drawer or somewhere and leave the stepson's room empty all week to prove she wasnt an evil witch of a stepmother who resented her husband having a child with another woman.

The fact you're looking into alternatives is great. I'm sorry you have this decision to make and hope you find a solution that suits you all as a family

Sorry if it has been said, I don't have time to read the whole thread.

I looked on google maps, Inverness is a 45min drive away from Kinloss, there might be other courses there that would suit your DS? Even Glasgow/ Edinburgh for you and DS + baby and your husband could see you every weekend? I know you said you don't want to separate DH and the baby but it wouldn't be for long. Oxford is a long way away so he wouldn't be able to drive down often

@Thirkettle

Move to Oxford anyway with your son.

Kids come before daddy's flaky job.

"Daddy's flaky job" is in the military, protecting the rest of us.

I've read some stupid comments on MN over the years, but this one takes the biscuit.

I wouldn't consider European boarding for a 16/17 year old, far too young.

If he's boarding at college in a student flat, I'd want to be able to drive to go an get him should something go wrong, unless they already have very good language skills it won't be easy to study a subject and learning a language at the same time.

I'd consider, Inverness, Aberdeen, Perth, Dundee, Glasgow or Edinburgh.
Plenty options to meet friends and have fun without language barriers and the cost of flights, or covid rules thrown in to make life complicated.

Good suggestion to talk to those running the course in Oxford to see what similar courses are available in Scotland. This problem is all about researching an even better alternative for your son.

Goodness, there are some incredibly rude and unpleasant comments on here, especially about (step)fathers (and "Daddy's flaky job", which is downright warped). There is nothing to suggest the OP's husband has been anything other than a great father, and the snide comments about shiny new babies are just horrible.

OP, I would say you need to tell your son asap that there has now been a change of plan beyond your or his dad's control. This in turn has a knock-on effect on his plans. Acknowledge his upsetness (assuming he is actually upset, and doesn't say 'whatever': teenagers can surprise you!) And then go about trying to form a new plan with him, based on the research that you're doing at the moment (PP have made good suggestions about boarding with a guardian and such like). If the RAF will pay the fees, or a significant proportion (especially given this change of plan at a crucial time in his education), I wouldn't rule out a sporty boarding school. I know you say your DS isn't academically minded and doesn't want to go to university, but a boarding school would give him opportunities to make friends instantly, join in with things he might not have thought of doing before, and get some qualifications. Some boarding schools offer BTECs as well as A levels. Sedbergh, for instance, is a generally sporty school and offers a BTEC in Sport - very different, I know, from what what your DS wants to do in Oxford, but might be worth a look, even if just to rule it out. Going to a boarding school for sixth form doesn't remotely mean you have go to university if you don't want to.

I do feel for you, though. I would find that move very, very difficult (had a similar scenario with XH being posted somewhere very remote and I ultimately refused to move, but that was different for other reasons).

@NightfeedsandNetflix

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

Surely this is up to your husband to deal with? But DS must know that postings are provisional etc

@KindleAndCake that's the course I was thinking of.

Your son has no ties to Oxford. This is a similar course at a decent college affiliated to UHI if he did want to go on to further study.

It is not the back of beyond. Rural yes but Elgin and Forres are both well connected with the train line. Inverness is a great city

Although the course may look perfect and I'm sure he will be disappointed not to do it, things aren't always what they seem, and you don't want to move heaven and earth for him to do and then find after 3 weeks that it's not as good as expected anyway. I would definitely look for alternatives although I accept that Kinross is probably a bit diffictult. Do you have any relatives that your son could stay with to do a similar course at a different location in the UK? (I assume you don't have any family near Oxford).

Or could he think about doing things in a different way - e.g. doing some school qualifications for a couple of years then looking at sports courses at uni or college or something when he is older and more confident to live away from home. I know that isn't what he had planned, but worth trying to think out different options.

The 1 year course mostly sounds like a physical fitness course rather than something that could be for a career.

Is he good at football?

Has he said what he plans to do if he is planning to stop his education after the 1 year football course?

I feel this is important with regards to where he goes or doesn't go.

@camperqueen54

You are messing him about at a crucial time. You need to put him first and go to Oxford.

You really don't understand how the military works do you....

@angelicwave

I live not far from kinloss, in the winter the roads are awful you would struggle getting to the airport easily and it’s a good 3.5 hours away, you have Aberdeen collage which he could possibly board at? You also have gordonstoun private school which may be able to get into also ?, I would look into the portions that you have then sit him down and discuss it, ssaffa could also help? They might have some properties nearby that he could board at? There are options lovey and it will work out in the end, if you need any help you can pm me xxx

3.5 hours to the airport? Which one? Glasgow? 🤔 It's about 30 minutes from Inverness airport and an hour and 40 mins from Aberdeen. My husband commutes daily to Aberdeen and there's only about 1 day a year when he can't make it to work. You make it sound like we're under six foot of snow for most of the year 😂😂

My parents made me move , I had wanted to do a particular course at a particular place since I was 11 yrs old. We moved 200 miles.

I am still gutted

@NightfeedsandNetflix I’ve sent you a PM.

You are always going to get ridiculous answers on here. No one really understands military life unless you live it, but at least you’ve not been told you shouldn’t have had children yet, which is common on these threads.

I'm not clear if you can afford fees @NightfeedsandNetflix but I would consider Strathallan.

Is it possible for the college to arrange distance/online learning so your DS could physically be in Kinloss but still follow the course. Why not approach the college to see if they have any suggestions?

FFS. I want to work at london zoo too. My stupid DH and his well paying job

I hope the talk with him goes well OP. I'm quite shocked with the flaky job and split up then comments.

If he wants to explore football opportunities in Scotland try www.scottishfa.co.uk/performance/club-academy-scotland/

Ask the accrediting body of the Oxford course for advice on similar in Scotland. You may find it is fundamentally similar to many others, the difference being in how it is described. I suspect the one he is focussed on is below his ability and there may be others better suited. DN did a level 3 similar course, those from level 2 were largely killing time until 18. He now works in a completely unrelated job.

@elcoucho

Is it possible for the college to arrange distance/online learning so your DS could physically be in Kinloss but still follow the course. Why not approach the college to see if they have any suggestions?

It's SPORT

@Valhalla17 @endlesssighing @Holly60 Kinloss to Oxford would be a very very difficult weekend commute, nigh impossible. Kinloss is pretty remote (although Aberdeen and Inverness both have an airport. Driving would be insane.
He'd have to turn around and head back as soon as he got home.

I blame the weather reports for squashing up the top part of Scotland so much it looks tiny. It's really not. The distances on our country roads are significant.