How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

I just dont think she should shrug her shoulders and take a 16 year old to a really rural area with limited opertunities at a key time, because her husband prefers it.
It's not her DH's preference 🙄 it's a posting not a bloody whim. It's OK to not have a clue how military life works but people need to grasp the basic concepts before they offer advice.
Definitely tell DS ASAP but have some ideas and options lined up. He might surprise you by saying yes he was excited by the Oxford United course but thinks that Aberdeen or Inverness have an even better one. Lots of lads at football academies are away from home (it's about finding a club that will sign you not just rocking up to the nearest team) so they usually have host family arrangements in the neighborhood. Explain options and speak to DS ASAP.

Would something like this work for him, they can do sports leadership BTECs m in place of A Levels and have a football academy. www.claremontschool.co.uk/football-academy/

On that basis Moray college does a sports and fitness course that would be a good fit.
I think given its a new area I would prioritize a course as local as possible. He needs to make friends. This is a good age for a move as those starting the Fe courses will be drawn from lots of different high schools so it's new friend territory for most of them
Have a look at Hopeman beach or Roseisle forest to cheer you up. It is an amazing area. Look how many RAF folk stay. Not sure why people are so negative. Yes it's rural but roads are quiet so driving time is efficient compared to South east

@LemonSwan

Its two years and then DS will be off to uni, the baby wont know what hes missed.

Is your DP really going to sacrifice your DS's opportunities for the sake of cooing over the new baba.

That's unfair. What new parent wants to be away from their baby for two years!

I would find a time during half term to explain to your son what has happened: they closed the Oxford camp and so that oplan has fallen through and now it will be Scotland. Tell him you know how much he liked that college course and so you will explore all options with him and make sure he is happy with the final decision on where he goes.

He could lodge with a family in Oxford and come to Scotland for holidays.
He could explore colleges near the new posting
He could explore state boarding.

I wouldn't split the family up and have you with new baby in Oxford and DH in Scotland. Your DS is old enough to be living away from home if that's what he chooses, so long as he has a good place to stay.

Move to Oxford and DH stays up there and commutes for the weekend?

It's a 9 hour + drive I'm not sure a weekend commute is practical.

OP check out Findhorn College and Moray College as potential options.

@WaterBottle123

Maybe time for DH to put family first and find a career outside the military? Why are 4 people flexing here instead of 1?

What about your career OP? Surely Oxford has more options for you than Scotland?

You can't just give a month's notice in the military and find a new job just like that.

IIRC the minimum notice period for the RAF is 18 months, and that's only if you've already served a certain amount of time (12 years, I think).

So him "just leaving" isn't an option to solve this current dilemma.

Don’t minimise his disappointment but don’t look for positives

But look for positives, obviously, must remember to proof read

@UKorNZdilemma - DH was notified a few weeks ago that due to cutbacks the Oxford camp is now closing down and everyone has to be reassigned. DH didn't tell me as at that point as I was stranded in the U.K. with baby having missed our flight due to both of us having Covid. I did get mad at him for not telling me sooner but he was genuinely worried to dish me more bad news with having a poorly baby on my own to care for whilst being ill myself.

Hi, I've read some of the thread.

Im in the Highlands and have teens. They're not bored! There's plenty to do. There's the beach, the mountains, the cities and pubs 😳.
Anyway, it's UHI(University of the Highlands and Islands), Inverness and Moray college you want to look at, and the applications are opening up now for next year.
There's good bus routes to both colleges, but eldest goes to one of them.
Best of luck to you.

@NightfeedsandNetflix

You could also post in In the Club > Forces Sweethearts for advice from military families.

[quote RussianSpy101]@BeckonCall yet she’s still trying to find ways to make him move to the arse end of nowhere and justify it?[/quote]

ODFOD. Nothing like a bit of casual anti-Scottishness eh? Actually Inverness is a beautiful city with loads of facilities and the lifestyle, especially if you are sporty/outdoorsy, is second to none. The scenery is absolutely gorgeous. And the people are for the most part very friendly, welcoming and open minded - unlike you.

www.inverness.uhi.ac.uk/courses/scqf-level-5-sport-and-fitness/
This might be a good course. It covers football.

Where we live, several boys have started at academies only to be released from the programme early (although they were doing their full-time education in another school so not the same). Is he guaranteed to be kept on until the end of the programme? Perhaps something else to consider, although I can sympathise with not wanting to ruin a teenage boy's dreams of being a pro footballer!

ictfc.com/academy

I’ve heard that Inverness Cally FC have an excellent youth development squad. This may also be an option.

www.inverness.uhi.ac.uk/courses/scqf-level-5-sport-and-fitness/
Not sure if link worked last time, just trying again.

www.inverness.uhi.ac.uk/courses/scqf-level-5-sport-and-fitness/

OP - ignore all the shitty comments.

To answer your original question; HOW should I break it to DS?

Drip feed it to him.

"Oh we've just heard that Oxford might be off - such a shame, but not definite"

"Looking quite unlikely now - let's start researching the PLan B options just in case" (You have some Plan B options to share at this point - either courses in Kinloss or boarding or whatever.

"Wow - this might actually work out better in the long run . Let's wait and see what happens..."

"Ok Oxford is off - but that's ok, because we have this other plan now".

Teenagers feel things hard. Just try and take the sting out and make the actual announcement less dramatic and painful.

Wishing you luck.

@Greatauntdymphna

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, if your dh really can't get out of the posting or swap to somewhere better, then I would sit your ds down as soon as you can and offer him some options. Big up the benefits of Kinloss (it sounds as though there are some positives if he's sporty and outdoorsy) and check out the offerings at the local college. But also discuss with him the options of boarding somewhere and doing a course he'd prefer. You're not limited to one college - lots of areas offer football courses (ds has a friend doing one and they offer loads of business and management skills as well as playing football) so you might be able to find one elsewhere in Scotland or nearer the borders (Newcastle?) where coming to see you is much easier and he might be able to be the one commuting at weekends but able to stay where he is if he has things going on with friends etc. I think if you present him with options he can have time to consider what he really wants. After GCSEs there would be next to no time - plus it stops the rest of you planning and thinking about the future yourselves. 16-17 year olds definitely do board with local families for college etc so I'm sure you'd be able to find something if that's what he'd like to do. All the very best - it's a difficult situation for all of you.

I agree with this. I was moved fairly often as a child due to my father’s job and while I didn’t like it, I did adjust. To shift his mindset to a different course if necessary isn’t the end of the world. Moving to Oxford with a little baby and splitting up the family for two years seems the worst solution here, so I hope that you can find a compromise, with something that works for him and also everyone else. Good luck OP.

Sometimes telling the truth is far more important than worrying about feelings. Nothing good comes from pandering. He will be far more angrier the later you leave it. GCSE exams are still months away. He will be devastated for a while but if he knows he is loved and has the support to help him look for another course then he will get over it (I would also do so some homework on courses). Oxford was just not meant to be - that in itself is a life lesson - a hard one, but a valuable one. If he is meant to be a great footballer - it will happen wherever he will be and who knows - being a big fish in a smaller pond in Scotland might just be the ticket.

Some people's answers are unfathomable. Family is more important than education and splitting a family for the sake of education is sending a wrong message to a child - what will they value when they are older? Individualistic selfish pursuit or family? The world can't revolve around him. Family should be together and it involves sacrifices. This time it is your son's turn to make one.

Might be worth having a look at Scotland football teams and see if they have affiliated courses or programmes. I also think it would be worth looking at commutable cities within Scotland.

OP when I was a couple of years younger than your child the exact same thing happened to me. Had picked out a course in a specialised college and was excited to go. Parents waited until after my leaving exam to tell me we were moving to a different country, ended up in a pretty crap standard college with no specialised courses. Honestly it was fine, I understood that we couldn't break up the family! As an adult my mum told me she had considered me staying, or dad commuting, and I was gobsmacked she'd even considered it.

If you waited until after exams what would the time line be? If enought time to prepare mentally I'd wait. If short time, tell him now, let him get used to it. Be prepared for anger and upset but ultimately at that age school is about the friends he will make.

Poor kids life is already fucked by having to move around all the time and now you are going to move so he can't attend his dream college because you dont wanna "break up the family" yet you do considering boarding him... right
Anyway. Think about him and how he can love his life. Yes is said love his life. Let him love it . Or he'll end up resenting you for it.

He is 16 where I am from most people move out at 17 let him go . Focus on your bebe.

I've been in your DS' shoes (military family) and felt the disruption from postings first-hand. I would strongly recommend a boarding college that offers the qualifications he wants to do. As a late teen, he is old enough to live away from home and enjoy it. Plus, you get help with the boarding fees which should soften the financial blow.

@Balonziaga
Thats an incredible bit of psychology, by putting the doubt in his mind first. And let him look for other alternatives.
I like your style.

The OP wasn't asking whether she should prioritise her son playing football for a year over the family unit, but how best to discuss it with him.

@HelenaHandcart0

You mean when do you tell your son that you’re prioritising your new family (current DH and his son) over your original family, who has become a little inconvenient. Given your decision I’m sure you’ll find a way to tell him. Sadly he will understand only too well what it means about his place in your heart versus that of the new c BC any and it’s father.

As somebody who grew up in the RAF, this is unfair to the OP. Her DH is not choosing to go to Kinross, and she is in a dilemma, hence asking for practical advice here.