How to break the news to my son

[NightfeedsandNetflix]

We were due to move to Oxford in July, having just done two years abroad away from all family and friends in a country very different to home in every sense. My son found himself the dream college course he wants to do, he applied and has been accepted. Husband then tells me this posting has fallen through and we are now scheduled to go to Kinloss in Scotland. I am dreading telling my son. I really don't know how to break it to him. It's eating me up knowing he is so excited to go, yet I'm scared to put him on a downer pre GCSE exams.

What would you do or say?

Ah just seen that, so a btec in Sports/Football coaching or performance? Honestly a year long one is barely worth it and they are not competitive to be accepted on. There must be similar attached to a Scottish club.

Isn't there the same course at colleges up near the other place? They all usually do the same sorts of things

@RunningFromInsanity

Your son had absolutely no connection to Oxford except he has read about a college he might like. That is not a strong enough reason to split a family and move to a new city.

I would love to work at London Zoo. Doesn’t mean my family should uproot and move hundreds of miles away for me to work there.

If you have a house in Yorkshire then I would look into the logistics of loving there and DH visiting when possible, simply because Kinloss is so remote.

Just accept he is going to be upset, let him be angry for a bit, and then help him research new options.

Love the analogy, cracked me up.

You are definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And I cannot believe some of the bitchy comments on here. From people with no idea and in some cases no reading comprehension.

I don’t think you should wait till after his exams to tell him. Maybe if they were two weeks away but he and you need to be looking at his options really soon and if you wait it may be too late.

He needs to come first now in pulling all the stops out to find him something as good as the course he was planning.

Your DH needs to find out from his employer what options are for your son. It’s a completely different education system for one thing. The army will be used to dealing with this. So first step would in my eyes would be your DH finding out options.

From some of the sensible options given by other posters Loughborough sounds like a good option.

It really depends a lot on your DS too. Why did he want the Oxford course? Is he academic? What did he see happening after the Oxford course?

@Lipsandlashes

It's a 1 year course to develop his football skill, knowledge and general health abs fitness. He has no desire to go to uni or do any other form of studying after. Then you say, “I’m really sorry buddy but you can’t go because we have to move to Scotland for Dad’s job. We can help you find a decent course nearer to there but if you do t like it why don’t you have a look at an apprenticeship?”

Agree, but why start a post with all the emotive language if the course doesn't matter. Reality is you haven't liked the answers.

It would be incredibly cruel to wait until after his GCSEs to tell him the plan has changed.
You need to come up with alternatives. If it’s only a year is there the option of him lodging in Oxford.

For A-Levels lots of older teens live away from their parents. Even in different countries! I went to an independent day-school that had several overseas students joining the sixth form every year, they stayed with local host families who acted as guardians.

The college your son wants to go to doesn't need to offer boarding themselves, especially in Oxford there will be a supply of nice, friendly families who are used to providing accommodation and guardianship to A-Level students whose parents either live abroad or are otherwise unavailable. It's only 2 years and rural sixth-forms in Kinloss will not meet your son's needs.

A quick google found this service - I have never used them so this is not a recommendation and I am sure that there are plenty of competitor businesses to also investigate, but this might give you a starting point - www.brightworldguardianships.com/en/guardianship/oxfordshire/

@Lipsandlashes

It's a 1 year course to develop his football skill, knowledge and general health abs fitness. He has no desire to go to uni or do any other form of studying after. Then you say, “I’m really sorry buddy but you can’t go because we have to move to Scotland for Dad’s job. We can help you find a decent course nearer to there but if you do t like it why don’t you have a look at an apprenticeship?”

This.

At 16 DS1 was certain he wanted to do PE related course at uni, ended up dropping PE after AS level and going a completely different direction.

At 16 DD was certain she wanted to do law, ended up going in a completely different direction

At 16 DS2 was certain wanted to do travel and tourism, dropped out of the BTec after first year.

I completely understand your ds will be upset, but I wouldn’t be looking at life changing decisions based on a one year course he likes the look of, particularly when it’s not a necessary stepping stone to further training in that area.

As pp have said, research his options in the new area and help him choose.

Don’t minimise his disappointment but don’t look for positives.

Oh ffs I cross-posted with your update that this is about football, not about his education at all.

I am sure there will be plenty of football opportunities in scotland. Ignore my previous post.

What does he want to do after the course OP? A college course to improve his football sounds a lot of fun but it's only a year and I think he needs to think about what he wants to do after. I don't know what options there are but does he want to coach for example?

Whatever the case I think you need to tell him asap so he can work out what he wants, my ds is doing GCSE's and has already applied for 6th form next year.

It does sound as though he needs to think long term too. From pps opportunities post education sound limited where you’ll be posted.

Leaving it until after he has sat exams is imo far far too late. Places will be filled up on courses and any boarding spaces at college may well be long gone.

Yes, that's probably true, it's only February, exams are May/June.

Also I wonder if he'd need different grades for some courses, so that needs to be a factor in his thinking now-ish.

So lots of research over the next week or two, then talk to him.

re it being a 1 year course.

In England, he (in theory) has to stay in some for of education / training until he is 18, which is usually 2 years after GCSEs. So either a 2 year course (or 2 x 1 year) or moving on to an apprenticeship.

I can see where you are coming from OP. My DD had her heart set on her course for a number of years. If we had suddenly said we were upping and moving to an area and we didn't know whether she could access a similar course from there she would have been very upset.

They play football in Scotland, there are bound to be Sports related courses there too, though their different educational system might make things hard. Maybe look just South or the border, or somewhere you have family he could lodge with as a base?

A year long course is likely to be level 2 / gcse equivalent. Most others won't have 5 gcses. If he is beyond this has he any aspiration to achieve a level 3 or equivalent? Presumably football was not so high a standard in Brunei so any opportunity to play and be coached will be a step up.

@Thirkettle

Move to Oxford anyway with your son.

Kids come before daddy's flaky job.

Yes the military, that well known flaky organisation 🙄🙄🙄

Maybe the kids don't wNt to be 10hours from Dad in a strange city for a 12 month footy course. Certain baby will gain nothing and lose lots being in Oxford.

I think people suggesting you split up the family are completely mad! It's 9 hours away you can hardly commute for the weekend and as for pp suggesting it's not worth living together just so your DH can coo over the baby I'm speechless

But dragging a teenager to the arse end of nowhere (as lovely as Kinloss is, it is remote) at a crucial time of his education, to move to a completely different education system, away from a course he really wants to do, because step dads job and the shiny new baby takes priority is a really good idea in your mind?

Service families are split all the time. Some babies are toddlers before they have any proper time with their fathers. It’s a sacrifice service families make regularly.

OP, are there any options for a course close to where your home is in Yorkshire? It is only a couple of years and as hard as it will be on the family, I would be prioritising my son given the timing of it all.

Hey op, just catching up on this thread and wanted to add that actually you can't wait till after his exams to start talking about this. College applications in Scotland are open now, so if you do want to look at his options properly, you need to start that conversation very soon.

Certain baby will gain nothing and lose lots being in Oxford.

The baby will be fine. My dad was in the military and was posted abroad when I was a baby. It hasn’t done me any harm.

OP, I think that you do need to discuss this with DS and look into boarding somewhere as an option. My friend's DC moved out at 16 because they couldn't get transport to the city college 30 miles away. It was their choice as it was the only way that they could go to that college.

If your DS really wants to do the course then he may be happy to stay locally to the college.

I know that you don't want to break up your family but I think he is old enough to have some input into it.

I'd definitely aim for somewhere with a broad range of options. Allow him the opportunity to change his mind as he goes along.

@Valhalla17

Move to Oxford and DH stays up there and commutes for the weekend? I would be putting what's best for ds first to be honest.

I would've done the same too. My child comes before my husband every time. So their happiness is more important to me than my husband's (and my) convenience.

I would not allow a 16 year old to live separately from me, unless it was in a highly structured environment like a boarding school or with family. This is not a high-level once in a lifetime type of a course, it will be full of not that academic kids who like football and may end up working related to sport- and many will, but it's not some unique opportunity.

I would tell him soon, tell him you understand he wants to work in sports and will support him to find something relevant in that area or where you have family you could trust to properly parent a 16 year old.

@Peridot1

You are definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.

And I cannot believe some of the bitchy comments on here. From people with no idea and in some cases no reading comprehension.

I don’t think you should wait till after his exams to tell him. Maybe if they were two weeks away but he and you need to be looking at his options really soon and if you wait it may be too late.

He needs to come first now in pulling all the stops out to find him something as good as the course he was planning.

Your DH needs to find out from his employer what options are for your son. It’s a completely different education system for one thing. The army will be used to dealing with this. So first step would in my eyes would be your DH finding out options.

From some of the sensible options given by other posters Loughborough sounds like a good option.

It really depends a lot on your DS too. Why did he want the Oxford course? Is he academic? What did he see happening after the Oxford course?

Lots of colleges offer sports courses with content covering coaching, anatomy, nutrition etc. The one in Oxford is about personal development specifically around football, being coached rather then learning to coach.

@ThreeB

I'm guessing (from the language you use) that Hubby is military? Is it possible for you to go married unaccompanied and take surplus SFA near Oxford? Alternatively, can he make a CEAS case for an Oxford posting given the criticality of these next 2 years for your sons education?

@ThreeB

Sounds like she knows what she's on about.

If it is military, & your DS has based his education in being told Oxford & been accepted on the course, hopefully they'll help you sort something suitable out.

I'm not sure if it's just the way you've written it, but did your DH delay telling you? Is there never any discussion? He just tells you what's happening? I appreciate its military, but...

In England, he (in theory) has to stay in some for of education / training until he is 18, which is usually 2 years after GCSEs. So either a 2 year course (or 2 x 1 year) or moving on to an apprenticeship.

But they will be living in Scotland so he can leave school at 16 and do whatever he pleases.

They play football in Scotland, there are bound to be Sports related courses there too, though their different educational system might make things hard. Maybe look just South or the border, or somewhere you have family he could lodge with as a base?

“Just south of the border” would be Newcastle. That’s 6 hours from Kinloss.